Sometimes I wonder if it's easy to tell when I'm being sarcastic in my writing.
So! This week has been a week of reflection! And discomfort! I started writing in a different chapter about the discomfort part, but I ended up not posting it. So I'll just take the relevant parts and throw it in here, like a giant chapter salad thing! Woo!
Unused Chapter Part:
I went to breakfast this morning with my Mom, Stepdad, sister, Grandma, and Step-Grandpa this morning. Now, I was already pretty out of it because I had been in a fairly decent amount of pain. I somehow managed to mess up the one part of my back that has never given me trouble before, so I was focusing on that more than anything. Well, that and food.
My grandma started to say something, and I'll be honest. I wasn't really listening at first. She and my mom had been talking a lot this morning, and most of it had just been silly gossipy stuff that I couldn't care less about. I also tuned out due to my mom chastising my sister for running around because it wasn't "lady-like", and I was trying to figure out what running and girls have in common (still can't figure that one out).
Back to the story, you're getting off topic. Again.
So, there I was, cutting up a muffin, ignoring my grandma. But then she said something that caught my attention. Which is good, because it directed everyone's attention to me, and I'd be in trouble if they caught me actively ignoring them.
She said, "To the future mothers."
Alrighty, thanks past me. I'll take it from here. I wrote this on Mother's Day, by the way. So yeah, my grandma referred to me as a future mother, and it made me feel uncomfortable. First off, I had already been forced to wear a dress, so I was already feeling a bit off (I had been identifying as a demiboy at the time).
As someone who isn't out to the general public, or my family, I am always referred to as a girl. Even by people who know, because they don't want to out me to other people. (I take that back. I have a friend who switches between calling me Mikaela and calling me Thomas, but that's because he calls me his son. But then our other friends call me their mom, so the pronouns are constantly being switched. I'm not out to any them, however. Well... oh I'll just explain that situation here in a minute.) This causes a lot of dysphoria, because I actually don't identify as a girl that often. When I do, it's typically short lived, and then I'm back to being adrogyne or agender or a boy or some mixture of things. With my family, it usually doesn't bother me, because I'm well aware that even if I came out they would only ever use female pronouns with me.
But something about this was different.
Maybe because it was future tense? Or maybe just because I really don't have an interest in having any kids. Even if I do, I wouldn't want to carry them (pregnancy does not interest me AT. ALL. Unless my partner is dead set on one of us being pregnant and they can't be for whatever reason, it's not happening. I would much rather adopt, anyway. That options always been more appealing to me.), and I don't know what they would even call me. There isn't really a gender neutral parental term that I've ever been informed of (not that I've really looked, that much). That being said, I would prefer paternal names over maternal (I would prefer to be called "dad" instead of "mom"). Even when identifying as a girl, I still feel fairly strong about that. I do have those friends that call me their mother but it doesn't bother me for some reason? They also switch between calling me Tom (by the way, I don't care for that nickname. At all. I'd much rather just be called Thomas) and Mikaela depending on how they're referring to me.
I probably shouldn't have let that whole thing bother me. It's kind of silly, I guess? I don't know...
Moving on.
You know how I mentioned early I wasn't out to my friends who call me their son/mom? Yeah. I kind of came out to the one who calls me son, but not really?
Okay okay okay, that makes no sense. I'm going to assign some quick names here.
Apple- Calls me his son.
Lilith (wow demon name)- says she's my adopted child
Carla- Where do I even begin? She calls me her mom, wife, and something else I won't mention here, but you can probably figure it out. Think paternal names. (that whole thing started as a joke and everyone just kind of went with it? Then there was the lap incide- moving on...)
Spen- Calls me mom as well
SO I'm in a really bizarre group chat with these guys. Stephanie is in it as well, I've mentioned her in past chapters. She's the one with a Jesus Cheerleader for a mother. I think she's the step-dad to the kids? I don't know, she isn't online much. We all have assigned familial roles, and act as each other's families. It's really great for those of us who don't exactly have the best relationship with the family we live with. We've become a lot like an actual family in some ways, it's truly amazing.
So, out of all of them, I talk to Apple the most. We talk regularly in private messaging, and we have 4 group chats with each other and other people (3 aren't used regularly). He already knows I'm somewhere in the LGBTQ+ community, because we've talked about a girl I was interested in. I think he thinks I'm lesbian, but I can't be sure because he knows I've dated guys in the past (and obviously lesbians can have boy exes, but I don't know what he assumes). I've never bothered to tell him exactly what my sexual/romantic orientations are, as I've never really felt the need.
So, as tends to happen with group chats, I was offline for about half an hour one day, and when I came back there were a ton of messages. About me. Basically, Apple had come to the realization that I have both a feminine and masculine family role. He had pointed it out and they all started arguing over how it was possible and what that meant my gender was. Apple messaged me directly asking what I thought, but shit had already gone down by the time I checked my messages. It was really funny, to be honest.
So, in response to his message, I said I was genderfluid, which was why I had both feminine and masculine roles. He actually knew what it was, though he didn't know what it was called. But, he thinks I mean it solely for the purpose of our little family. Which is fine by me, I'll fully come out at a later time. Baby steps.
So, yeah. That's the main gender thing that happened this week. I've been switching between genders like crazy, and I'm starting to get uncomfortable. One second I want to chop my hair off, the next I'm putting effort into makeup, then I'm trying to bind, and the weird gender disaster just goes on and on again.
Which reminds me, I'm thinking of changing my neutral name. Or, I guess my name in general. I've been feeling agender more than anything for a while. As you know, during agender and adrogyne times, I go by MK. And that was fine for a while, because when I decided that I didn't spend a lot of time feeling 'gray'. But now that I am a lot, I'm realizing I'm not sure about the name. I chose it because it was a nickname my friend called me, and it seemed gender neutral enough. But now I don't know. I like my feminine and masculine names, but I'm wondering if I should just pick one gender neutral name and go by it all the time, to make things easier. I think it might help cut back on dysphoria brought on by being called the wrong name.
I haven't really decided yet, because as I said, I do like M and T. I don't really care that they sound nothing alike (stop telling people their names have to be similar, society). But yeah, I'll keep you posted.
I kinda want people to default to masculine or gender neutral pronouns with me. I don't know why. Maybe it would counter-balance people automatically assuming feminine pronouns with me. But then there's the issue of what happens when I do identify as a girl and... this whole thing is just one giant mess.
I feel bad.
-asdfghjkl (my life is a mess, as is my gender).
No, that can't be my sign off.
What do I feel like?
I feel tired, mostly. Not that that's unusual. Also, my eyes hurt and I want cheese-sticks. I don't even like cheese. Well, I like cheese. But not melted by itself, and not super cold. Cheese is a weird thing. I don't want cheese-sticks anymore, I don't even like them.
A cheese bagel, though? Yes. (I've stabbed myself at least twice while making bagels why am I still allowed to eat bagels?)
Why am I typing my incoherent thoughts?
I need help, that's why.
-T (...maybe)(somewhat masculine? I want to bind but I mean that could also just mean........... you know what screw this I'm tired.)