I was knocking on the door, waiting for someone to hear me over the blaring music. Soon enough it flew open and Rob grinned on the other side.
'You came!'
'How could I say no,' I said sarcastically.
Rob grinned and made space for me to enter and shut the door behind me. 'Come, I'll get you something to drink.'
It was two weeks after Brandon had surprised the hell out of me with his proposal. Rob had called to invite me to a before-semester-starts party at his and Dan's place, after asking me to all sorts of events from movie nights to club hangouts during the past thirteen days, all of which I had decided to skip. Of course, I had no intention of attending this party either, knowing there's a not-so-slight chance I might bump into you-know-who, but Rob had made it perfectly clear that if I didn't, he'd come to my apartment and personally drag my ass over. So I decided to make a quick appearance just to get him off my back.
'Nikki!' the lively voice sounded in my ear from behind just as a couple palms landed on my shoulders. 'So you're not abducted by aliens after all.'
'Good to see you, too, Dan.' I turned to hug him.
'Where have you...' his question was interrupted by something that hit him in the head. 'Ouch!' He rubbed the place. 'Excuse me. Got to show those amateurs how to play beer pong.' He started in the direction where the ping pong had come from and yelled over his shoulder. 'I'll be right back. Nikki, don't leave!' A second later he was standing beside a table, armed with a white ball and aiming for a cup full of beer on the opposite end.
'You've been MIA.' Rob's scolding turned my attention back to him. He was pouring some liquid into a tall glass. I didn't really care what kind of high-alcoholic cocktail he'd mix for me, I wasn't even going to drink it. I was going to be out of here soon enough. I stripped off my jacked and laid it on the stool beside me. We were in their kitchen space, which wasn't too big but it seemed to have everything necessary. Like a fridge for all the drinks and a microwave for all the frozen food. This was a boys' place after all. 'What's been going on with you?' Rob asked.
'Nothing much, really,' I said vaguely. 'I've been busy. With Brandon and stuff.'
'Ooh. Busy with Brandon.' Rob wriggled his eyebrows as he handed me my drink and I nearly slapped it out of his hand.
'Shut up,' He made a motion with his hands for me to follow him in the living room, where the epicentre of the party was. 'It's not like...' I turned to follow and stopped dead. Jason was standing a few feet away. With Dayan. '... that,' I finished but I was sure Rob hadn't heard it because I had murmured it to myself.
It wasn't a shock to see Jason here, honestly. I had prepared myself mentally for exchanging polite hey-nice-to-see-yous and then exit the conversation with the speed of a jet-fighter. But I hadn't prepared myself for seeing him with Dayan. Not that that had to surprise me.
'Nicole. I didn't know you were coming,' Jason said, clearly just as taken aback as I was, though he was better at covering it.
'Ditto,' I responded automatically not able to shift my eyes from his for a while but I quickly recollected and looked to the person standing next to him, who was giving me a weird look. 'Hey, Dayan, how are you?' I gave her a fake-smile.
'Good,' she smiled back and I could tell it was just as fake, 'You?'
'Fine. Will you excuse me?' I uttered. I left the drink on the counter and paced to the balcony as quickly as possible.
Who was I kidding? I was so not ready for this. It was beyond awkward but that wasn't the worst part. It sucked to see Jason with Dayan. Gosh, I was totally jealous! And it was ridiculous. Of course she would be here with him. She was his girlfriend. Not me. I had no right to. Damn Nicole, why did you let yourself fall into that mess?
I was already outside, leaning against the railing and with a few deep breaths I managed to calm myself. At least for the time being. But I had to do everything in my power to keep it together. I wasn't making any scenes tonight. Things were complicated as it was.
'He feels the same way, you know,' I heard someone say beside me and I spun my head around. I hadn't heard anyone coming out.
'Wha...' I started but he interrupted me.
'I think you two should talk and straighten things out,' Dan kept talking. 'This has been going on long enough and I don't like it. I miss hanging out with you and I'm tired of seeing Jason sulking all the time. So just figure it out, okay?'
I let him finish, his words sinking in slowly in my brain. I had a couple things to dwell on – the fact that Dan actually knew about us. Whether Jason had said something or Dan had figured it out by himself, I had no idea. But he knew and he obviously hadn't told Rob or he and Jason wouldn't be partying together right now. Rob had made it clear what would happen if Jason ever got near me. The other thing was the actual content of Dan's words. That Jason felt the same way and he hadn't been in the greatest mood either. Of course, I realized he had some affection toward me. He had shown it on our last night together. But that was two weeks ago and we hadn't seen each other all that time so that was probably long gone. I mean, how much could he miss me when he was here with Dayan? Yet, I couldn't help the little smile my friend's reassurance had brought to my lips.
'I don't know what you're talking about,' I said not even trying to make it sound truthful.
'Yeah,' Dan let me to my illusion of a secret. 'Talk to him.'
He turned on his heel and went back inside. I stood on the balcony on my own for a while when I heard the volume of the music coming from inside increase and I knew someone had opened the door again and was coming to stand next to me. I had a not-so-vague idea who it might be.
'Hey,' Jason said as he leaned on the railing beside me. He was keeping his distance.
'Hey,' I answered back just as awkwardly without looking at him.
'So,' he asked after a moment of stiff silence. 'How are things? Haven't seen you in a while.'
'Same old,' I kept it casual, 'You?'
'The same,' he repeated and we went back to silence.
This was one productive conversation. And when you think of the way we had bantered just a few weeks ago. And not just bantered... Nope. Not the time to go there.
'Look,' Jason finally said and judging by his intonation, the mood of the conversation was going to change. 'I didn't know you were going to be here. Dan and Rob didn't tell me. If I'd known I wouldn't have...'
'What?' I cut him off, turning to look at him. 'You wouldn't have come? You want us to avoid each other?' I challenged, perfectly aware I had no right to.
'No,' he answered calmly. 'I wouldn't have let Dayan tag along.'
I gave out a little bitter-laugh at that, looking away. How convenient. Keep your girlfriend at home while you go and try to get your summer-fling in bed again.
I guess it struck a chord with him because his tone raised a little. 'And I'm not the one avoiding you. You're the one who stopped hanging out with us since-'
'I know,' I didn't let him finish that. I knew very well when I had stopped going out and why. 'I thought it was best if we didn't see each other for a while.'
'Why not?' he asked like he was a little child wanting to know why his mum wouldn't buy him candy.
'You know very well why.'
'No, I don't. I want you to tell me.' He didn't let me off the hook that easily.
I turned to face him again. 'Because of this.' I shot my hands in the air pointing to everything and nothing. 'I didn't want to have this conversation.'
Jason assessed me with his eyes for a second. 'You mean the conversation, in which I tell you how I can't stop thinking about us?' He stepped closer and I froze in my spot. 'How ever since we got back I've been picking and dropping my phone a hundred times wondering whether I should call you.' He went on, making another step which was pretty much the last one he could take before stepping over my feet. I was still standing in a trance. 'How I can't bear the thought of standing so close to you and not being able to kiss you.' He stretched a hand to tuck some of my hair behind my ear.
By this moment, I've been focusing all my strength into my knees because if I didn't, I knew they would sag. If there were speeding tickets for heart beats, my heart would surely get one. And so would my lungs. I was doing everything in my power to appear calm, but who was I kidding? Jason could so see through me. He leaned in and that's when I snapped out of it.
'I think you should get back to your girlfriend,' I said quietly just as he was about to press his lips on mine.
He backed away only slightly. 'Is this about Dayan? Because if it is...'
'Just don't, Jason,' I cut him short. Don't say what you think I want to hear.
'No, Nicole, you need to hear this. You can't deny there's something between us.'
I sure as hell could. Whether it was going to be a lie or not was another question. I looked at him again and with the firmest tone possible I said, 'There's nothing between us. We had an arrangement, which ended the moment we got into that car. That's it. We can't just go around and turn our lives upside down because of three days of great sex.'
'It's more than just great sex and you know it.'
'No, what I know is that you're with Dayan and I'm with Brandon. I don't know what your relationship with her is like and I honestly don't care but I know what I have with Brandon and I can't just throw that away for something I don't even...' I trailed off.
'So this is about Brandon?' Jason assumed and he was partially right. 'Look, I'm not asking you to break up with him, I just...'
I gave out another short sour laugh. 'See? That's exactly it. You don't even want a real relationship. You just want me to be available for you to casually screw.' I nearly yelled that last part as I looked away. I could feel my eyes starting to condense.
'Nicole. No,' Jason said tenderly, shaking his head. 'No.' He placed his fingers on my chin to make me look him in the eyes but I recoiled and he dropped it. 'You know that's not true.' Gosh, could his voice sound any softer? 'But I don't know what you want me to say. You don't want to end your relationship and yet you get angry with me for not asking you to.'
'I don't want you to say anything,' I said stubbornly.
He heaved out a sigh. 'Look, Nikki, I'm just trying not to pressure you into decisions you're not sure you want to make yet.' It was the most sincere I had ever heard him speak. 'But if that's what you want, I'm willing to try a real relationship.'
Oh God, the sound of that. It poured over my insides with the familiar warmth. Yeah, the one I used to call 'satisfaction' and now I didn't know what to call. But as appealing as it sounded, a real relationship with Jason was as possible as a frog becoming a prince after a kiss.
I turned to look at him without him having to guide me this time. 'And what happens when you get tired of me in three more days, huh?' I asked aiming for a steady tone. 'Or when another 'opportunity' walks by and you go chasing after her instead? Can you guarantee that won't happen?'
It was his turn to swallow his tongue. 'Nikki...'
'You can't,' I answered for him. I wasn't that naïve to believe I would be that one special girl that would change him.
'How can I?' He seemed to have found his voice. 'I can't even guarantee that I'll wake up in the morning. But that doesn't mean I won't take my chance and try to open my eyes. So why not give us a shot?'
'It's a pretty risky shot. One that may cost me everything.'
'What about what not taking that chance may cost you? What about what you might be missing out on?'
Of course he would see it that way. He wasn't the one walking out of a six year relationship for what might dissolve into nothingness in the blink of an eye. Well, I wasn't either. Obviously, he wasn't going to give up easily so I had to be better at convincing him.
'I already know I'm not missing out on much,' I spoke. Gosh, I was such a liar. But this obviously struck him so I was getting somewhere. 'So why don't you go back inside and stop missing out on whatever you came here for.'
He stood silent, studying me with his eyes, without showing any sign that he'll move.
'Fine. If you're not going, then I am.' I went to go around him but Jason was quicker. He stood in my way and before I could process what he was doing, he grabbed me by the upper arms and smashed his lips onto mine. I drew back as far as the railing would allow me but he just pressed in more. I tried to wriggle out of his grasp, pushing his chest with both of my hands, but he didn't budge. A girl could only do so much. The heat of the kiss was starting to get to me so I made a choice. I took my defences down and kissed him back. I kissed him like I would never kiss him again. Because I wouldn't.
I could feel the shift in his body as I responded. He pressed further, moving his hands up my arms and to my neck, pulling me to him even more. I let him burn me up on the inside and when he finally pulled back and looked at me, there was a pleased smile plastered on his face.
'Not missing out on much, huh?' Yeah, I was so busted.
Still in the haze of that kiss, I blurted out, 'Brandon proposed.'
Jason was totally shocked by that. He stepped back looking at me in utter confusion.
'He...' he started but was obviously at a loss of words. 'You...'
'I said yes,' I stated shortly looking down at my feet. I didn't know why but I couldn't look him in the eye.
'No,' he was shaking his head, 'No, Nicole, you can't tell me you agreed to marry some other guy after you kiss me like that.'
I was silent. For a moment all I could hear was his hastened breathing. And then he spoke.
'Fine. You know what? Fine.' I looked up struck by the cold tone. 'Stay with your precious Brandon. Marry him, have kids with him, whatever. But you know what? You're a coward, Nikki. You don't want to take a chance on something that feels so real, because you're scared it might not work.' I could feel my eyes starting to water again. 'It's just like with your bracelet thingy. You'd rather waste your life studying and doing something you'll grow to hate over the years, than do what's in your heart.' A tear escaped and I could do nothing to stop it. The words kept pouring out of his mouth and it felt like darts being thrown at me. 'You're scared to admit how you really feel because you're afraid you'll fail. Well, newsflash, we all are. But some of us are willing to take a leap of faith and those of us may or may not succeed in finding what's really worth living for, but the cowards who won't even consider trying, never will.'
When the last word left his lips, he was breathing fire. His palms had curled into fists at his sides and I had never seen his eyes so dark.
The stream of tears was already flowing down my cheeks. I pushed passed him then through the crowd in the living room, not really caring about people seeing me in this state. I only hoped no one would stop and ask what was wrong because I was determined to get out of here before I lost it even further. I hurried to where I had left my jacket and as I headed to the exit, somewhere in my peripheral vision I saw some disturbance rising in the midst of which someone yelled at someone and threw a punch. It didn't register until much later that Rob had attacked Jason.
I left.