LOUIS'S POV:
I thought about leaving. I thought about saying I was tired and needed to go to bed. I thought about running off the deck and into the woods.
But I sat there, frozen. Not knowing what to say.
"Harry knows of my feelings. He always has. He knew before I even realized them", I told Harry's mum, if that was what she was getting at. She loved me like a son, but she'd probably turn into mama bear on me if I was to come between her own son's relationship.
"I know he does. I'm just curious if things got out of hand. It's hard to have a love triangle. They never work out", she told me.
"You know he knows?"
"Yes. He told me before. He could tell that I knew. He told me he tried to leave Gwen for you to inherit when he thought he was going to die. He's a really special boy, my Harry. Most people wouldn't want to think about their significant other going on and having love without them, yet he tried to will her to you, knowing both of you would be happy in time. He loves you both very much", she gloated about her son.
"He does. I know he does. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him in a heartbeat. And he'd do the same for me. Gwen too. I guess it is a big love triangle there, isn't it?" I chuckled, even though I hated that term, and hated that I was in one.
"I am here because of...that, actually. I mean, what I told you earlier is true too....it's just deeper than roommate stuff", I admitted.
"I thought so. I could tell from your demeanor, too, a little. You have that "discouraged about a girl" thing going on", she laughed a little, and I laughed and rolled my eyes.
"Yeah...I guess I do."
"Harry has been SO patient with me about it. He really has. And patient with Gwen too. She loves me back, you know."
"I know. I could see that too."
Jesus lady! What are you, psychic? Well, she's definitely where Harry gets it from! Seeing things about people. Knowing I loved Gwen before I even knew! Knowing Gwen loves me, before she realized it also, I thought to myself.
"He just...I.....I have been trying to...get over my feelings for her during the past few weeks. And I've tried everything all year long. Believe me. But nothing works. So I tried...avoiding her. Even acting a little rude and standoffish to her. But all the while, I knew...I could tell, that I was hurting her. A lot.
But I still tried it. I tried bringing other girls home, even. I tried drinking her away. Nothing was working. The only thing my plan was doing, was hurting Gwen.
And of course, she'd complain straight to Harry about it. I think he got tired of hearing it. Tired of being in the middle. There should BE no middle, right? You can't have a middle with TWO people. I shouldn't come along and make a middle. So that's why I tried to get over her. Anyway, she'd had enough of my rudeness, and finally snapped at me. She was hurt. Really hurt, and just wanted to get her friend Lou back. And I said something....really terrible to her, out of anger. I stopped myself at the end of the sentence, but she completed it in her head, and she want ballistic", I explained to Harry's mum and she listened intently.
"Do you mind me asking...what did you say?" she asked, curiously.
"She tried being mean to me like I was to her, so she called the girls I brought over 'sl.uts'. So I.....I said back.....I........I'm sorry......I can't....." I broke down as I spoke, and I couldn't make myself say those awful words out loud again. It made me picture the hurt I'd seen in her eyes. Her hiding in the closet, hating herself, thinking her entire life and everyone in it was fake.....
I cried on the swing, next to Harry's mum, and she slid over closer to me and put her arm around me and pulled me to her shoulder. I leaned on her and she held my hand with her free arm, and let me cry on her shoulder. I thought I'd gotten it all out earlier, on the floor. But apparently not.
I cried for a good while, and she sat patiently through it all. I needed this. I needed a mother's shoulder to cry on sometimes. As shitty as I felt, this felt...good at the same time.
When I finally got finished crying my eyes out, my hoodie sleeve covered in snot, I was sure, because I had nothing else to wipe my leaking nose on, I managed to finally tell her, "I said to her, 'Sl.uts? Really? You're one to talk'."
Harry's mum gasped and exclaimed "LOUIS!!" And I felt like even WORSE of a piece of sh.it.
"I know. I absolutely disgusted mySELF when I said it, too. It's my single most hugest regret in my entire life. I think it will be my biggest regret for the rest of my life. Nothing can top that", I said.
His mum was silent for a moment. I expected her to throw me off the deck. But she kept her arm around me, and kept me pulled into her shoulder tightly.
"Oh, LOUIS. I know you're better than that. I know you didn't mean it. But boy, that was a bad thing to say after all she's been through. Now I see why you didn't want to repeat it. Now I see just why you're so upset with yourself."
Was she mad at me now? I was sure she was. I didn't blame her.
"Do you hate me?" I felt like a little kid asking her that....but I was in bad shape, so I didn't care. I couldn't lose her too. I couldn't lose the only mum I'd ever really had.
"Oh honey, I don't hate you! Don't be silly. You made a mistake. And it was an awful, hurtful mistake. But you KNOW you did it. You know how bad it was. And you take full responsibility and blame for it.
You have to live with that regret, and that's that. There's nothing anyone else needs to say to you for it, that you don't already know. I don't hate you and I'm not mad at you. Shocked and disappointed that you could say that, yes. You're such a gentle soul.....but even the best of us make horrible mistakes, and none of us get through life without horrible regrets. Besides...I'm sure you apologized like crazy and made her feel better? Or you wouldn't be here, because you'd still be groveling at her feet, knowing you, right?" she laughed to lighten my load a little. And she didn't hate me. Whew.
"I did. I couldn't walk out of that room without trying to fix her after I ruined her. She took it really hard, of course....and she started hating herself, calling herself trash like she did when Harry first met her......." I told her the story, basically, without as much detail. I told her how hurt Gwen was, and how she went back to square one in her thinking that no one could love her.
Harry's mum shook her head a lot at the way Gwen thought of everyone who loved her. But she was relieved that Gwen was good as new after I talked to her.
"Did Harry hit you?" she asked outright. "I noticed a bruise...some scratches...your lip is a little large in a spot...." she said. Sh.it. I'd forgotten to even look at my face since all that happened. I guess I looked like sh.it. I had cleaned my face of the blood when I went in to get Gwen water, but then I never thought about it again.
"Yes he did. For the first time in our entire friendship, he hit me. Punched me right in the face, knocked me to the floor. And then he got down on top of me and started punching me more. But Gwen got between us.
She won't stand for us fighting. She feels very strongly about never coming between us. I didn't fight back a single bit, though. I was wrong. I fucked up bad, and Harry gave me what I deserved. She shouldn't have stopped him. I deserved more. I couldn't even believe she stopped him, with how angry and hurt she was because of me. After all, she'd already left plenty of marks on my face before Harry walked in, so why stop Harry?" I told her.
"I'm sorry to hear that Lou. I really am. Harry was just sticking up for the woman he loves, though. I don't blame him. Maybe he could have stopped once you were on the floor, though", she admitted. "And as for Gwen stopping him, there's where her love for you comes into play. She was angry and hurt, but she still didn't want you hurt."
"Yeah. I guess. She's always thinking of everyone else. But I'd take another beating from him right now if it made him feel better. It'd make ME feel better, I know that." And I would've done the same thing to him. Even with Gwen being his girlfriend, if he hurt her like I did, I would've kicked his ass. I don't blame him.
"Now Lou....don't beat yourself up over this...no pun intended", she laughed, and I so did I. "You made her feel better, and that's what matters."
"Yeah. It helps, I guess." I shrugged my shoulders.
"Did you and Harry make up then? Or is that why you're here?"
"Yeah. No...well, he did tell me to leave for a while, until he got over the whole mess. But then he came back from......he.......he left me and Gwen to....talk...and....stuff......I.............said too much.....shit. I'm sorry. I'm so scattered" I was way too scattered. I couldn't tell her what I'd done with her son's girlfriend. That was absolutely unacceptable, even if Harry were to accept it. And I still wondered right now, what was going down at his flat. I cringed, just thinking of it. Were they arguing? Was he helping her pack a bag? Did he break up with her? Was he fine about it? It was killing me to know if they were ok or not. God, I hoped they were.
"Lou....it's alright. Just breathe. Just tell it like it is. If there's something you can't tell me, then don't. I'm not being nosy. Just trying to talk to you. Let you get it out", Mrs. S said, trying to calm down my flustered brain.
"He left Gwen and I for a few hours, and gave us....well, mostly ME, instructions to say everything I needed and wanted to say to Gwen, and.....to kiss her goodbye, then put the lid on my feelings and never let them show again, so we could continue all being friends."
"He said that? He told you to kiss her? Did he really mean that?" Amy {again, I used a different name cause she's not technically famous!} seemed really surprised.
"Yes he did. It goes back to a time in Harry's life, when he went through the same sort of thing. He loved that girl....I don't know if you remember her or ever even met her....what was her name...." I tried to think back.
"Steph?" Amy guessed. Of course she knew about that time in Harry's life. It was a dark time. And he always told his mum everything. He probably cried on her shoulder quite a few times, too.
"Yes! Her. I guess you know the whole story....how they dated, hooked up, and he got attached, and she didn't....and he just couldn't let her go. Couldn't stop loving her. For months....." I summed up the story.
"Yep, I remember that. I was really worried about him back then. I told his father I was ready to drag him to a shrink. He was really bad off, as I recall."
"Yeah. He was. I used to climb into his bed some nights, and hug him while he cried himself to sleep. It's why he has patience with me, and loves me. He told me he loved me before he left today, too....even though he'd just beaten the sh.it out of me, and said he was going to beat me more later. Heh."
"Anyway, Harry used to lie lifeless on the floor and swear that he'd give anything in the world, for just a few moments with her to tell her everything he needed to say, and kiss her one last time. So he must have remembered his feelings from unrequited love back then, and knew I felt the same. So for some crazy reason, and I'll never understand it, he GAVE ME that chance. He gave me permission to have that final talk, and say everything I needed to say, and have that kiss goodbye. He's damn sure crazy if you ask me, but hey...I'd stayed so loyal to him all this time, that having his permission, I jumped at the chance."
"But wouldn't that be Gwen's choice? Was she ok with Harry just...renting her out to you like that? I'd be offended, I think! What was he thinking??" Amy was getting riled up now.
"No, he told Gwen it was her choice first. But she......she loves me too, Mrs. S.
She told me once that had she not ever met Harry, that she could be happy with me. But if she'd ever met Harry, at any point in her life, she is sure she'd find her way to be with him, because there's no one who can even compare or come close to making her happy like he does. But she does love and care about me. And yes...Harry knows. He was the one who got her to admit this stuff most of the time. He's not mad at that. He understands. I sometimes don't know HOW, but he does. He's the best friend anyone could ever have, really", I gushed about her son.
"Of course he is. He's my boy!" she gushed back and smiled. It was a proud smile.
"So what happened, then after Harry left?" she looked at me with her eyebrows raised.
I blushed, though she couldn't tell in the starlight and candles over on the table, thank God.
"Uh....we.....we talked. She told me she loves me and she always will, but she hopes that I find someone someday to forget about her."
"Right.....and then........?"
"And then I told her I loved her and I always would. Even if I found someone, she'd be the one I wished for."
".......And then.......?" his mum was funny. She was pushing for info here!
"And then I told her unless I actually came to her someday and told her I was over her, to know that I still loved her, till the day we die."
"Uh huh.......then?" she was smiling, trying to get the good stuff outta me.
"Hahaha.....well, and then we talked about my feelings for her and stuff.....I said whatever I could say to last me forever, basically. And she said she wouldn't forget how I felt about her. She said she'd know it forever, unless I told her otherwise. She made me feel better, like my feelings wouldn't be lost to nothing. She'd at least know....ya know? She's so wonderful. She made me feel so good, considering my circumstances", I said....thinking of just how "good" she actually made me feel, in another way. But that wasn't coming out. I wasn't telling her that. If Harry did, then whatever. But she wasn't hearing that sh.it from me.
"That really was nice of her. She's so kind and thoughtful. And loving. Amazing that a girl who never had love.....who had experienced only abandonment and abuse, can be so much more loving than most people you meet in life, isn't it?" she gushed about Gwen now. "But anyway, yeah??? And then.......?"
I laughed at her now. "You ARE being nosey now, lady! We didn't.....have sex....if that's what you're wondering..."
"I am being nosey now, and good...that's what I was getting at, honestly....but now I'm into the story.....I wanna know if my Harry and you are alright." she smiled.
"And then we kissed. Quite a bit. She'd told me I could. She told me she wanted to. But she couldn't initiate it. She felt very guilty and weird about it. So I kissed her. And we kissed a while. I kissed her like I'd never get the chance again. And I won't." I breathed in, and it ended up sounding more like a jagged sob in my chest. I exhaled by blowing out slowly to steady myself and clear my head.
"Wow Lou. That's.....quite a story. So he and Gwen are alright? They're home?"
"Yeah. I think they're alright. She felt really guilty when he came home, obviously, and she's probably telling him every single minute detail right now, because that's how honest she is. She's honest to the point of pain, sometimes. But it's hard to meet someone that honest these days, so it's refreshing. But yeah....they're probably talking, having make up s.ex or something. I don't know", I laughed.
"I just can't get over all of this! It's all so crazy! What a day you've had! What an exhausting day you've ALL had! He just.....LET you give her a snoggin'? I just can't fathom it! That could have been dangerous! What if she changed her mind and wanted you? Why would he feed her right to you like that?" Amy was still hung up on the mystery of the workings of Harry's mind, just like I was.
"He trusts Gwen totally and completely. He knows she'd never want me. He knows she'd rather die than to not be with him. I heard them one night, honestly, Mrs. S. I heard them talking about me, and he made her realize that she does love me as more than a friend, but that it's ok. And when he got insecure about it a little bit, she reassured him. The things she said to him....she loves him more than words can even describe. She really does. And she told him she doesn't want to love me. Which is what sparked my "get your sh.it together and get over her" plan....that backfired in my face and everyone else's. Epic failure right there." I laughed.
"Aww......they really love each other like crazy, eh? I mean, I can tell, and when he calls, the way he talks about her....it's beautiful", Harry's mum said. "But....and I don't think you would do this, but...wasn't Harry afraid you might try to take Gwen? Sure, he trusts HER, but....how does he know he can trust you? I mean, you love her very much!"
"Harry trusts me 100% too. He always has. We're best friends. We're more than that. We're almost like brothers, ya know? And I've always been there for him when he needed me. And he's always been there for me too. I think it bothers him that he can't be there for me this time, because he's right in the middle of it. But I've shown him over the past year, that I'm absolutely loyal to him, and I've avoided my urges around Gwen quite well. There've been...a few....'chances', here and there that my 'urges' were tested to the limit, and I resisted completely. And GOD that was hard. So he trusts me totally, too. I'd never do that to him, and he knows that."
"Well alright, I guess............Now I'll be waiting for his call...see how he feels about this messy day", she said. "So he told you to kiss her, and leave?"
"Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. At first. But then when he came home, he told me I could stay because I had nowhere to go. I hope he's not mad when he finds out I'm here, actually....... I told him I needed to get out for a while anyway. I don't know how long. I just needed to leave for a bit. Because he said if I can't wake up and NOT wear my love for Gwen on my sleeve, then I'd have to stay out till I can hide it...even from him. I already lost a girlfriend because of my feelings. She could see them, even though she had no clue, coming into my life. I really liked her, too."
"Well Louis....you sure got yourself into a pickle of a mess! You've got your work cut out for you! And I'm sorry it's such a mess for you. Unrequited love....it's the WORST feeling in the world. I know. I liked a man or two back in the day, and got nothing back. It's an awful feeling. But you're a wonderful guy too, Lou...just like my Harry. I know you'll find someone and love her like you love Gwen. I don't know if you'll stop loving Gwen or not...but if she can love two people at once, then you can, right?"
Wow. I never looked at it that way. "I guess you're right, Mrs. S. I never thought of that. See? I feel even better now. I was afraid I'd be doomed to trying to love someone but never being able to give them my full heart. It'd be a waste of their life, and a waste of mine. Thank you Mrs. S. I needed to hear just that one single sentence", I hugged her now.
"You're welcome Lou. I hope it helped by talking about it, too."
"Yes. I did need this. Everyone needs a mum's shoulder sometimes. Even if it's a borrowed mum."
"I'll always be a mum when you need one. Don't forget that! Even if it's during a tiff between you and Harry. I'll slap whoever I think is wrong!" she laughed.
"Yeek! I guess I should feel a slap coming on....." I ducked away, and she laughed more.
I hugged her one more time, and told her thank you again, then we got up and headed to bed. I slept in my old room, and it felt good to be in there again. She left it just how it was when I moved out. Just like she left Harry's room. And Gina's room. Just another thing to make me feel like a part of a real family. I wasn't just some neighborhood kid they took in when I needed it. I was a part of their family.
Harry had texted me that night, but my phone was inside while I talked with his mum, so I answered him, even though it was late. I knew he was concerned about me, so I put him out of his wondering misery. And I felt happy that he checked on me. We'd make it through this. I knew it.
I texted him where I was. He texted back "Knew it".
"Is that alright?" I texted back. I wondered if it made him mad.
"No, that's fine. I figured you'd end up there. Stay. Make yourself back at home, bro." he texted back.
I breathed a sigh of relief that he was ok with me being here, and that he seemed not to hate me and by now Gwen had to have told him all the specifics of every breath, pant and shudder of our org.asms, and he was still caring about me, so...
I texted one more time. "You guys good?"
He texted back, "Absolutely".
That was a relief. I let out a long stress relieving sigh and I went to sleep. I was totally exhausted. What a hard day. There had been one outstanding point of light in it, though. And that was being with Gwen.
Annnnd, I needed to stop thinking this way, you stupid arse, I cursed myself out.
This would NOT help putting my feelings away.
I stayed with Harry's parents for a solid week. The trip to work and back was a fvcking ball buster, it was so far. But it's what I needed to do.
Harry's mum explained the situation to Mr. S when he got home. She only said the main points.
Of course, Harry's dad was like "I was wonderin' when there'd be trouble like this...anyone can see how you feel about her, ya know! Even a dumb arse like me!"
I face palmed myself, and he came up and shook me in a manly son hug thing, "Don't worry my boy....you'll find her. You'll find the one. She's out there."
Just like Gwen told me once.
I texted Gwen the next day. I couldn't help it. I knew she'd probably told Harry what we'd done, and I needed to make sure she was alright.
"How is everything? All ok?" is what I texted.
"Everything's good. Thanks. What about you?" she texted back an hour later.
"I'm fine....at Haz's parent's. Was it bad when you told him the details?"
"I tried to tell him. He didn't want to know. He saw your...stain. And my flushed neck and chest, and he knew immediately we'd done something. He figured it all out himself, with just a few simple questions to narrow it all down. Then he told me never to tell him the details. And then he let me cry for an hour, and we fell asleep curled up together as usual. Thank God. I was really scared. I might love you, but not enough to lose Harry over. Sorry! :P"
"I hear ya. I know. And I'm mortified that he figured it out before you even told him! OMG. I'm relieved that he's so understanding. He's amazing. I don't get how his mind works. I'm so glad everything's alright for you both. I miss you guys already. :)" I texted her.
"I miss you too, and I'm sure he's liking the break, but I know he misses you. I was pretty shocked he figured it right out. It was a relief to not have to tell details, though. I really wanted to, but he forced me to stop. You know me. Honest to the point of killing everyone around me, right?"
"Ahhh, yes. You remembered my quote. Well done. If he doesn't want to know, that's so he doesn't have a clearer picture of his girlfriend snogging and rubbing on another man. I get it. Men are that way. We don't WANT to know every detail like you women do. I still can't get over how awesome he is about all this. He checked on me last night. I'm happy he still cares. I can't lose him. Ever. You know how that is!"
We ended up texting longer and more than I expected. I was trying to be short and to the point when I'd started, but she opened me up with her long texts and feelings, so...yeah. It felt good to discuss everything a little bit. I'd been so stressed about it.
"I sure do. I'm sorry I didn't stop when you gave me the chance to. I don't know what came over me. You tried, though. Loyal friend to the end, right? More loyal than ME, apparently. :("
"I know what came over you...or who. Ha ha...sorry, had to say it. Yeah...well I wasn't sad when you didn't take me up on the offer to stop. So I suck too. Just forget it, and be happy with Harry. That's all he wants. That's all I want for you both too."
"I'll always be happy with Harry :) And I'm happy you're ok. I was worried. But no more train trips!"
"Ahhh come on...you loved the train trip! You were a true hippy that night! I always tell you, you're my hippy chick friend."
"Ha ha ha....as I sit here and eat hamburger. Not THAT hippy!"
"Not all hippies are vegetarians. You're almost as hippy as your mum! It's in the genes."
We said some more silly things, and then she had to go, because her tutor was there. I sat staring at my phone with a smile on my face.
She was ok. Harry had understood. Somehow. I don't know how. How do you understand something like that? But he put it aside, and went on, like he always does.
Gwen and I texted each other once a day all that week. Just to check in. Harry didn't say we couldn't be friends. He said he wanted us all to be close friends again, I think? I forgot by now. I just tried to keep it all light. It got deeper than I'd wanted on the first day of texts, but that was to be expected after what happened between us.
I liked being at Harry's parents all week. I treated them to dinner at a nice restaurant one night, and another night I sent them out to dinner by themselves, just to show them I appreciated their hospitality. I had to actually buy a gift certificate for them, because I knew they wouldn't take my cash. It worked. They came home a little tipsy and giddy and thankful to me. At least I could make SOMEONE'S lives bright sometimes.
Gina came home for two days that week too, and we hung out. Went to a local bar and did shots, talked about women and men. She heard the whole story too, so she tried not talking about it for me, which I appreciated. We left her car there, and walked home, we were so drunk at the end of the night. We closed the bar. Gina's fun. It's always nice to have a "sister" to talk to.