5 | Nightmare
❝Forever does not make loss forgettable, only bearable.❞
"Four more fights to go," Josh sighed as we dispersed from the long day of battles. Azra had been victorious over her opponent, and all of us had moved onto the next round.
I raise my eyebrow. "Four?"
"If you get to the final, that is." Josh points out, and I nod. I wanted to get to the final so that I could have a chance at surviving the tournament, but I didn't want to become queen.
However, there was another option. If I was put up against Azra or Josh, and I lost, then they would let me live. That was the only other way that I could escape this torture alive, and we all knew it.
I turn to look at Azra. It was obvious when I gazed into her cobalt orbs that she was uncomfortable with the prospect of me dying, almost as uncomfortable as I was.
Josh places his hand on the small of my back, steering me towards the dining room as we headed for dinner. The contact felt strange on my body, but I ignored it as he pushed me towards the noisy chatter of the other competitors.
The cobblestone hallways all looked identical: grey, bleak, and composed like a stack of precariously balanced rocks. I didn't have the foggiest clue where I was going, and I was glad to have someone like Josh with me.
We round yet another corner, a flame torch eating at the darkness. At least I recognised this part of the ancient and crumbling hallway: it lead to the dining hall.
All of a sudden, I begin to feel nauseous, as if my stomach has suddenly been churned a million times in one second. Bile rises in my throat as my footfalls become weak, and I no longer feel as though I can support myself. My sudden reaction doesn't have an explanation, I just feel as though I want to curl into a ball, and shrink so small that I disappear off the face of the earth.
I didn't want to go into a room full of people who wanted to kill me. Since I had slaughtered William in cold blood, I knew that they would all be furious. Each and every one of them would want to rip my flesh from my bones.
Josh notices my discomfort, and supports me with his other hand. I wonder if he thinks I'm going weak at the knees because of his touch. "Ali, are you ok?"
I shake my head. "They're going to kill me." I whisper, suddenly frozen in place like a statue. Today I had killed someone, yet here I was like a dog with its tail pressed firmly between its legs. God, I was so messed up.
Josh squats as I sink to my knees, becoming eye level with me. His eyes were still beautiful, perhaps more beautiful than my own.
"No, Alaska, no they won't." He gives me a hand up so I'm back on my feet. "Everyone in there hated William, trust me."
I shake my head in disbelief. "Well at least he wasn't a rogue," I hiss between my teeth, not anticipating how harsh my words sound, and I feel my legs confidently drag me towards the dreaded dining room. I was petrified at the thought of going in there, but somehow I don't feel daunted as I get closer to my destination.
"Alaska!" Josh shouts from behind me, followed by the echoing of heavy footsteps. "I'm being serious."
I roll my eyes, not hesitating to falter. I was not used to being social, and Josh feeding me lies was not helping. He was a good guy with the right intentions, but nobody lied to me.
I march into the dining room, and all eyes turn towards me as I stand there, my hands flying to my sides, my foot freezing in mid-air as I decide not to continue forwards.
Yet again, I am surrounded by a storm of angry eyes, scowling at me as if I was the devil. I could tell just by looking at someone that they wanted to kill me, their eyes filled with the complex drive of bloodlust.
Time pauses as my eyes flick over to Chase. In that one second, he nods, and the whole room bursts into cheers.
My heart skips a beat. What the hell was going on? As I look back at the eyes who I thought wanted to murder me a second ago, all I see now if joy, as if a mountain had been lifted off the shoulders of every werewolf within the confines of this room.
I swivel on my heel, and Josh smiles at me. So he was telling me the truth. Maybe I should believe someone for once in a while.
His face bears a grin so wide, it's as if he's trying to mimic the Cheshire cat. Then he raises an eyebrow and places an arm around my shoulders.
"I told you," he murmurs. "They all hated him."
My eyebrows crease as we grab a place and take a seat where we sat yesterday, the bench still empty as if where we had previously sat was slavered with poison.
"That was awesome!" Someone calls from the room, but there are so many voices, it's hard to tell what exact direct it comes from.
"Nice one, Alaska!"
"Who knew the rogue had such guts?" Another yells.
"Who knew the rogue could fight?"
"William is freaking dead!"
I take my food as quickly as I can, instinctively wanting to get out of this room as soon as possible. As everyone notices my discomfort, they all settle down and get back to their conversations.
"Tell me about him." I suddenly say, the words leaving my lips before I can process them in my mind.
Azra looks up from her steak, a quizzical look glaring right at me. "Who?"
"William." I state firmly. If everyone else was going to make a huge deal about me killing him, then I might as well know what the fuss was.
Azra sighs as she puts down her knife and fork, pacing her hands together on the table. "William was an alpha who used fear to rule over his pack. If one person ever stepped out of line, he would kill them before they had a chance to explain themselves." Her azure orbs captivate mine as she continues. "He killed his own daughter when he found out she could shift. He was a monster, and you killed him."
I can't believe my ears. It feels as though a secret has been whispered to me so quietly that I can't hear it. "He killed his own daughter? That's..." I glance up at the ceiling as I try to find the right word. "Sick."
Someone brave enough to sit next to me clatters their plate on the table, greedily taking a ginormous cut of stake from the dish.
"It's more than sick." The stranger pointed out, using his knife to signal to me. "It's psychotic."
I glare at Chase as he takes a mouthful of the meat, chewing quickly as he strived to speak more to me. I take notice of the light stubble lining his jaw, and the sharpness of his perfect jawline. Whether I wanted to admit it or not, he was handsome.
"I'm sorry, but who invited you to our conversation?" Azra enquired, a look of pure bitterness plagued over her face.
Chase grinned through a mouth full of food. "I did."
"Well you're not welcome." Azra shrugged her shoulders, crossing her arms as she distracted herself from her food.
Chase gave her a sympathetic smile. "Well, I'm afraid that you can't tell me what to do."
I turn my head and glare at the older werewolf. He was certainly not a likeable person, and cocky to say the least. He had held a knife to my neck and threatened to kill me yesterday, and yet here he was trying to talk to me as if he actually cared? Who did this guy think he was?
"Piss off, Chase." I growl at him, and then spot an empty table in the corner of the dim room. Using my free hand, I point to the oak ledge with a single chair drawn up next to it. "Perhaps you should go over there where you belong: away from everyone else."
Chase is stunned by my words, and tilts his head my way. "That's no way to speak, princess."
"So I'm princess now?" I laugh in disbelief. Was he seriously trying to flirt with me? "I thought that I – and I quote – 'have no place in this world,' you know being a 'blood thirsty beast' and all."
He glowers at me, his gorgeous eyes turning sour. "I'm sorry?"
"It's Karma, arsehole." I state, and get up from the table. I had suddenly lost my appetite. "I'm not hungry," I conclude, storming out of the room, leaving my friends behind.
"Great? Now look what you've done." I hear Josh accuse Chase as the two pack wolves run after me.
I don't turn back. An invisible hand propels me forward as I navigate myself through the maze, trying to locate my shared sleeping quarters.
This competition was becoming too much for me to handle. I had already fought one battle, and I felt completely and utterly drained, as if I was a battery that was running on its last coulomb. This was a terrible idea. Why didn't I just let them kill me? Because when you're about to die, animal instinct kicks in, and you choose to fight each time.
I fling open the door of my room, and jump on the nearest bed, the soft white material of the mattress welcoming me into its arms. At least there was food and a proper place to sleep here. Out in the wild, you had to be used to surviving on the bear the minimum, but here everything was laid out for you like an 'all you can eat' buffet.
I curl my body into a ball as I feel the bed dip. Glancing up, I see Josh as he reaches down to stroke my hair. His fingers teased the strands as his feather touch tucked the loose tresses behind my ear.
"I don't think I can do it, Josh." I sigh as I begin to sit up on the comfy material. Azra was nowhere in sight, perhaps purposely giving us some space. "The Alpha Trials, I mean. I may be a rogue, but I'm not strong enough." I spill my insecurities. I'm not strategic. I win down to pure luck and that my will to survive outweighs my opponent's.
"Alaska, trust me, you're strong enough. You always have been: you just can't see it." Josh tells me, but I push away his hand as he begins to stroke my hair again. It was beginning to get a little strange.
I turn to face him, his eyes enveloping me in their beauty. I don't know how long I stare at them for, but as the seconds tick by, I feel as though I fall further and further into their fathomless chasm.
"Don't lie. I'm tired of people lying to me."
Josh's eyes betray the fact that he is hurt. A twinge in the deep mocha makes me realise that my words actually have an effect on him, but – as usual – by the time I realise, it's too late. "I don't lie, Ali." He stares at me with his steel orbs. "You are strong enough. You just can't see it."
"I-" I begin, but Josh holds up his hand for quiet.
"The strength you're looking for," He taps his breastbone, signalling to his heart. "It's in here. It always has been, and always will be."
I smile at him, not because his face was gorgeous, but because he was right. "When did you become such an inspirational speaker?"
Josh shows me his wolfy grin. "I was born one."
"Yeah, yeah. Keep telling yourself that." I chuckle with a wink, sorrow dissipating.
At that, I roll my eyes and lie back down on the bed. After the events of today, my body felt as though it was slowly wasting away, my organs shutting down as my body became too drowsy to function. Even the battle with Chase hadn't been as exhausting.
"You get some rest," Josh whispered as he patted my shoulder, the bed rising once more as he retracted his body weight. "I'll see you in the morning."
His footfalls are so light, I don't know he's gone until he blows out the flame torch, leaving me in complete darkness. The only sound was the scratching of a mouse as the vulnerable creature skittered across the floor in the hallway, but it was comforting to be alone for once.
And just like that, completely and utterly alone, I fall into a deep slumber.
☽
My muzzle sniffs the air as I tentatively glance into the shadows, afraid that someone would appear within the cloak of night. It was a full moon, and the only light was the moonlight streaming through the curtain of trees as I quickly darted through the foliage.
Each time one of my paws hit the cool and wet grass, I feel a strange sensation run up my spine. I was a shifting she-wolf. I could shift.
Being the only shifting she-wolf in the pack was dangerous, and it was a secret I would not be able to keep for long. When you've been stuck in a group of fifty people for all your twelve years of life, who know each other like the backs of their hands, word spreads fast. I just had to keep my discovery low key, otherwise I would soon find a wildfire brewing on my hands.
I shiver as my bones begin to crackle and snap, a howl of excruciating pain leaving my muzzle as I fall to the ground. This was my first shift, and the aching was unbearable. Everything was unbearable. Why did my life have to be so complicated?
After a few seconds, I feel my claws disappear to form five slender fingers on each hand, and within seconds the pain ebbs away. I am left exposed to the elements, with only the thin shifting garments my father was able to smuggle me sticking loosely to my sweating skin.
I nervously glance around, afraid that someone had seen me. If they discovered my secret now, it would be the end. They would kill me because they would be scared. Why? Because all the men here are sexist.
In this area, the grass was bright emerald in the day, but a gloomy midnight in the dark. Whereas others thought that this clearing was beautiful and mystical, it was not hard to see past the limited beauty, and to see the true horror that was disguised by poison ivy. The clearing bordered the pack's tents, the first shelter only being twenty meters away.
"You really thought that you could keep your little secret from us?" A voice snarls from the ghastly shadows. The owner of the voice wasn't much better in appearance as he slunk from his hiding place at the edge of the clearing.
I feel the blood in my veins turn to ice, and soon I'm unable to move at all, my body stuck in the same shocked position for what seems to be hours.
"I- I'm sorry?" I ask, gulping as the sixteen year old wolf saunters towards me, fists clenched so tightly it appears that his knuckles would begin to start bleeding soon.
Titus snarls at me. "You heard what I said." He raises his lips, exposing his pointed canines embedded within his crimson gums. "When were you going to tell us that you could shift?"
I ignore his question. How did he know? I hadn't sensed him at all when I was in my wolf form, so how had he suddenly appeared out of nowhere?
"I can't shift." I state defiantly. I was not going to let this arsehole spread the secret that I could shift.
"Liar." He spits as he stalks up to my frail body, his face so close to mine that I can see the saliva dripping from the corners of his lips like a bulldog. "I saw you shift." He leans back, folding his arms across his chest and laughing. "Just you wait until I tell them."
Being twelve years old, I feel complete and utterly exposed as the huge sixteen year old towers over, his muscles easily showing through the thin material of his shifting clothes. Just like all of the other males, he had shifted tonight, but the pack must've got back before I had arrived.
"You wouldn't dare." I hiss, but my words tremble as my body itself shakes with fright.
"You'd be surprised, bitch." His harsh tone causes me to flinch, and as I take in his strong demeanour and physical appearance, I feel rage begin to boil within my chest, threatening to explode into a furious attack that would ultimately result in my demise.
Come on, Alaska. You can take him. You're fast: he's not. I try to tell myself that it's ok. It's ok. But it's not ok. I would never escape this infinite circle of fear.
Instinct takes over as my legs propel me forwards so quickly that my actions are a blur. I muster all my strength into a single punch, but Titus grabs my fist and squeezes until he hears the disgusting crack of bones.
I can't help it: I scream.
Through the tears and the pain, I scream at the top of my lungs, releasing all the pain, all the anger, all the fear stored within every cell of my body.
And through the pain, I slide my eyes shut and fall to the ground, my hand throbbing as if it had been smacked by a wrecking ball. I grit my teeth, and let out one more yell before the memory subsides, and I slide back into the confines of darkness.
☽
I'm still screaming when I awake, eyes wet with tears, although the droplets have not formed. The memory still wracks my brain like a cannon, and I effortlessly wipe my eyes using the bed sheet before anyone can see.
I wipe my sweating palms on the duvet as I take deep breaths, trying to sooth my aching throat. Why did I have to dream about that? Titus was the one person who had single handily ruined my life. Why would I want to recall his actions?
"Alaska." Josh calls softly from behind me, causing me to jump back into the cot once more. "What happened?"
I run a hand through my hair, trying to get a hold of the situation. "It was nothing." I say quietly, although the look he gives me tells me that he knows I'm lying.
"You were screaming, Ali. I think the whole castle heard you." He responds, tucking the sheets around my soaking body. I didn't want to think about how I looked right now, because the sight would be a horrendous brown haired girl with huge, looming black eye bags.
I shake my head, panting loudly as I try to regain my breath. Out of the corner of my eye I see Azra roll over and place a pillow over her head, trying to block out our conversation. "It was a nightmare."
"About who?"
"God, you are so persistent." I scowl, but I didn't have enough energy to follow it up with a snarky comment.
Josh nods, accepting my state. "Well, tell me if you need anything." He slowly peels himself from my double bed, and heads back to his own.
But as soon as he leaves, my body begins to shiver with dread and anxiety. When Josh was there, sitting with me, his presence made me feel safe. For some reason, I needed him. No. I craved him to stop the panic streaking through my blood vessels.
Just before Josh makes himself comfortable in his bed, I call out for him, my own voice surprising me as it slices through the silence. "Josh, wait."
He turns and studies me, my wolf senses picking out his handsome face in the dark room. Even now, it was easy to see that he had removed his shirt, and stood with his six pack exposed.
"Yes?" He murmurs softly.
"Can you stay with me, please?" I plead. Every brain cell was yelling at me not to let this stranger into my bed, but he soothed me. I needed him to stop the nightmares.
Josh nods once with a smile. "Always."
He crosses over to my bed and takes the other side, stroking my hair once more as I settle down to get the rest I needed to make it through the rest of the competition.
"Thank you." I whisper like a severe breeze in winter.
As he continues to carefully play with my hair, I feel my eyes droop and my body relax. My sweating ceases, and I am able to fold into sleep before the nightmares parade my vision once more.
After that, the nightmares never threaten to surface again.
*A/N - I UPDATED FINALLY OMG. In other words, I'm so sorry for the wait, but here we had major Jalaska moments so I hope it was worth it ;)
What do we all think about Chase? He's still an arsehole, but I kinda ship him and Alaska. Shall we go Chalaska?
So are we Jalaska or Chalaska?
ANYWAY THANK YOU FOR 5K!! I never thought that this book would do so well, and I want to thank everyone for being a part of this journey with me.
Thank you for reading, and don't forget to vote, comment, share and follow.
Until next time.
-Lotte x
Gif: Awesome banner by diagnosedwithlupus - Thank you so much <3
Song: Alive by Sia (one of my fav songs atm)
Dedicated to wildsorrowsx for all her awesome comments and for supporting me on all my books. God only knows where I would be on wattpad without your support.
[Btw Azra/Deadrot you're next]