"Love yourself, so no one has to"
-Therapy by All Time Low
Lucas' POV:
I sat in the waiting room, jiggling my leg and staring at a poster against the wall. I guess my mom noticed, because she placed her hand on my knee and gave me a reassuring smile. I stared blankly at her, and then turned back to the same poster I'd been looking at.
"Is your child depressed?" It said in red bold-printed letters. There was a small boy in the corner, with his head in his hands, looking like he'd been told that he couldn't have ice cream after dinner. I rolled my eyes at the poster and then looked over at Ava, who had decided to flip through all of the magazines on the coffee table.
She bounded up to me and showed me a toy in one of the magazines. "Look Lucas!" she chirped. She pointed to a child-sized kitchen set. "I want this for my birthday!" she continued looking at the picture longingly. When I didn't reply to her, she looked to my mom and sighed. "Mommy! Why is Lucas not talking to me anymore? Is he mad at me?"
Before my mom could answer, I heard a monotonous voice call out my name. My mom gave me an encouraging pat on the knee before I got up and trudged into an office, that I'd been in many times before in the past few months.
I shut the door behind me, and sat down in a comfy chair, all too familiar with this routine. A woman, who I'd learned to recognize as Dr. Morgan, was sat in her chair, across from mine, as always. Her dark hair was pulled into a ponytail, and her brown glasses were always on the very edge of her nose.
"Hello Lucas." she smiled warmly at me. I gave her a blank stare; the blank stare that I had managed to master in the past few months. Not only had I managed to look uninterested in every conversation ever, but I had managed to keep my mouth shut for five months straight.
Her smile faltered when I didn't respond. She sighed, took her glasses off, and pinched the bridge of her nose with her thumb and index finger. "Look, Lucas. I know this is the last place you'd rather be right now," she started, "but you've got to know that...this keeping quiet thing..." she gestured to me. "...it isn't healthy. And I know that you...you loved this girl. I've seen situations like this dozens of times. But the only way to help, is by talking about it."
I managed to keep my poker face. What did she know? She didn't know what it was like, to meet someone who you thought was more than perfect for you. To meet someone who you thought you'd save, and then have them take their own life. To just have them ripped away from you. To have them not know what they really meant to you.
Because if she did know, she'd know it hurt like Hell.
I took a deep breath as I remembered the night I was told of Macey Owen's death. I was cleaning up the dinner table and trying not to run into Ava, as she chased Goliath around the house. The phone rang and I tripped over one of Ava's tiny flip-flops trying to get over to it.
Maybe it's Macey. I'd thought.
She had snapped at me earlier that day, and I knew I should've gone after her. I knew I should've pulled her into a hug and let her sob into my shirt like I had done many times before. But that day--for some reason--I decided, maybe she just needed her space. Maybe she just needed to think things over.
"Ava, would you stop leaving your shoes lying around the house." I called out to my little sister, just as I looked at the Caller ID. It had been Macey's phone number, but it wasn't Macey on the other end. The voice was masculine, and it was only after he'd spoken a few sentences that I realized it to be Macey's dad.
"Is this Lucas?" was the first thing he'd asked.
I remember my eyebrows furrowing, and I answered him with a rather drawn out yes. "This is Mr. Owens. You were...you were pretty good friends with Macey, right?" he sounded choked up, as if he could cry any moment. I felt a nudge at my leg and looked down at Ava who had run into me. I gave her a death glare before answering him.
"Yeah...I-I am." I was a bit nervous and a lot confused on why he'd decided to call me. Soon I would know though, and my world would come crashing down. I heard Ava squeal from the living room, where my dad was probably tickling her.
I rolled my eyes and decided to step outside, where I could hear better. I sat down on the stairs and continued to focus on Mr. Owen's voice.
"Then...did you know that Macey was..." he trailed off as if he wanted me to finish the sentence for him. I stayed quiet, still very confused. "Did you know that she...that she cut herself?" My breath caught in my throat and I stuttered out a response that didn't even make sense to me.
Had she told her dad? Had she finally decided to get help? "Look..." he started. "Macey...she um...she hurt herself. She cut herself, Lucas." he croaked, and even though I'd only met him once, I could picture him crying at the thought of his little girl harming herself in such a way.
I remained silent, not quite sure what to say. "It was pretty bad." he continued, and then he'd let out a bitter, humorless laugh. "It was bad. It's like...like she broke. Like she just snapped. It was all over, too...she just cut all over."
"I..." I began to say, until I realized I didn't know what I was going to say. "Is...is she alright?" I managed to choke out. I held my breath and prayed that she was.
Another bitter laugh. "I tried...oh I tried. I found her, in the bathroom. Just...she was just lying there. She was lying in a pool of her own blood. I took her in my arms. I took her into the backseat and drove. I drove as fast as I could. She was too long gone." he'd finished.
It took a while for everything to sink in, and still when it had, I asked, "What do you mean?"
"Lucas...Macey, she...she killed herself..." a chocking sob came from his side of the phone. I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt like throwing up, right then and there. "I-I'm so sorry. It's just..." I heard Mr. Owens trail off.
I shook my head. "It's fine. I-uh...Thank you...for um...for telling me." I slowly hung up the phone and placed it down next to me without saying goodbye. I had sat there, looking out at the houses across the street illuminated by the setting sun, until my mom poked her head out of the house.
"The dishes aren't going to wash themselves, Lucas." she said in a playful tone. When I didn't respond with some sarcastic comeback, she came out of the house and sat down next to me, knowing something was wrong. "Lucas?" she questioned, her dark eyebrows furrowed.
I glanced at her, her figure blurred from the tears building up in my eyes. I had let out a defeated whimper and latched onto my mother's small frame. I was at least a foot taller than her, but I didn't care. I needed her to ruffle my hair, like she'd done when I was little, and tell me everything was going to be alright.
She was shocked at first, but then wrapped her arms around me, and held me tight. She clutched onto the back of my shirt, and I thought I felt a tear hit my shoulder. She pulled away from me slightly, and looked up at me. "Lucas what's wrong? What's the matter?" she asked, searching my face.
I couldn't talk. I couldn't breathe. My whole body went numb and I felt as though my whole world was closing in on me. For once in a long time, I was the one who needed comforting. I was the one who needed someone to caress my hair, and hold me tight in their arms.
Macey's face had flashed in my mind. I remembered all the countless times I had made her smile; all of the times I had made her feel worth something. Why would she do this? I had thought.
But I knew. Deep down, I knew. It was Lexi, and probably even me. When I looked back on the day, I had been a jerk. I had left her to walk to school in the snow. I had blown her off, and now I would never see her again. What made things even worse was that I could've prevented it all.
I could've pulled her back into my arms and held her that day. I could've kissed her tears away and made her feel better. I could've held her face in my hands and told her how much I loved her; because, I realized, I did love her.
"Mommy..." I choked out, feeling vulnerable. The last time I'd called my mom that was when I was Ava's age. Now, I felt like I really was seven years old again. I let out another choked sobbed, and realized how pathetic I sounded.
"I-I loved her." I sputtered into her shoulder.
Even though my mom had no idea why I had decided to pour my heart out to her, she still cooed, "My poor baby." smoothing my frazzled hair down. "Just breathe, Lucas." she told me repeatedly, trying to calm me down.
I remembered spending three full hours out there crying onto her shoulder, finding it hard to breathe with every sob that escaped my lips. When I had finally cried all I could, I pulled out of my mom's comforting grasp and held my head in my hands, still trying to catch my breath; trying to swallow every ounce of anxiety that had built up inside of me.
My mom stood up slowly, and rubbed my back. "Come in when you're ready." she had whispered, before walking inside. I didn't go in until two in the morning. I had slugged upstairs and threw myself onto my bed, still in my jeans and t-shirt. It was a miracle I had gotten any sleep that night, even if it was only for two hours.
"Lucas." Dr. Morgan said, now, snapping me out of my reminiscing. "What are you thinking?"
I blinked at her a few times, still giving her that blank stare. I had spent five months keeping my mouth shut, and I wasn't about to open up now.
After not talking to anyone for three weeks straight, my mom had grown concerned. Not only had I stopped talking since Macey died, but my grades went downhill as well. I spent most of my time closed up in my room, drawing her face over and over again just so I wouldn't forget it.
I did forget, however.
Some days, I would remember every detail of her face, down to the small freckle on her neck. Other days, I couldn't remember where the freckle went. I couldn't remember if her eyes were hazel, or just brown. For the first few weeks, I had grown angry with everyone.
The slightest squeal from Ava would have me stomping up to my room in a fit of rage. I knew I shouldn't have been angry at anyone but myself, but I couldn't help it. After those weeks had passed, though, I found I had only myself to blame.
There was one day, when I had done it. I had taken a blade and cut my wrist with it, just so I could feel what she felt. Just so I could I put myself in her shoes. I had immediately regretted it, though. Firstly, it hurt like Hell. And secondly, I was ashamed. I didn't want to go down the same road Macey had gone down. I didn't want to leave the people I loved feeling hurt and broken, the way she'd left me. I vowed that I wouldn't do it again.
I guess the worst part of it all was that she had promised me. She had promised me that she wouldn't cut and then she went and did it. She killed herself, and I had to admit that I was...well, I had been...mad at her for it.
Not only because she had done this to me, but because she'd done this to herself. She'd pushed away people that loved her and let in people who hated her, instead of the other way around.
A flashback of her funeral ran through my mind, and I remembered the silent car ride there. My parents, Ava, and I were all dressed in our finest black clothing. I pulled at my tie nervously as we pulled up to the most commonly known church in Oak Valley.
After sliding out of the car, we headed into the building, and watched as others took their place in the pews. Before we could make it to our seats, Mr. Owens showed up and asked my parents if he could steal me away for a short moment. My parents agreed, and I followed Mr. Owens to a quiet part of the church.
"I...um...I was kind of hoping you'd say a few words." he'd stammered, gesturing towards the front of the church. I'd given him a small nod, and looked over his shoulder to see a group of people gathered around a small area.
When Mr. Owens began talking again, I focused my attention back on him. "I...she um...Macey wrote this for you." he mumbled, giving me a folded piece of notebook paper. I slowly took it from his hands and began to unravel it when he stopped me, by placing his hand on mine.
"I think she wanted you to read it in private." he said.
"Yeah. Okay." was all I had managed to say. Mr. Owens gave me a small smile, that even I could tell was concealing his broken heart, and then walked off to talk to a blonde woman.
I placed the note into my pants pocket and looked back over to the area, so many people had been gathered around. I walked over and realized that it was Macey's casket. It was open, for the whole world to see, and I honestly didn't know if I liked that or not.
Seeing her pale body, lying still in a padded coffin wasn't how I'd pictured her, when I admitted that Ioved her. And when the people who had milled around, began to file out and go find seats, I took her cold hand in mine, and knelt down next to the casket.
I studied her face for a while, wishing I could see the pink her cheeks once held, or the way her brown eyes glistened like the stars. Her hair was curled and surrounded her like light brown waves. I found myself smiling, because I absolutely loved her hair when it was curled. Her dress was white and lacey, and it flowed down to her knees. Even though the dress showed off each and every one of her scars, I sill thought she was beautiful.
As tears sprung into my eyes, I kissed her cold hand, and whispered, "I love you." before standing up and brushing myself off. I quickly spotted my parents and Ava, who had moved to sit next to Mr. Owens and the same blonde woman from earlier.
Ava looked up at me and then grabbed my hand. We had had to explain to her about what had happened to Macey, and I don't think she was quite over it yet. It was her first time dealing with a death, and I guess it kind of freaked her out.
The funeral started with a few words from the church's minister, and a short song being played on the piano. People got up to say a few words, and while one woman was heading back to her seat, I saw Lexi Abrams, sitting in one of the pews across the room.
She had this unreadable look in her eyes. The look wasn't menacing or evil in any way, and I could tell that she was hear to mourn like the rest of us. I stole glances at her every once in a while, to catch her reaction, but her expression, more or less, stayed the same.
After an elderly man, who I'd learned was Macey's grandfather, finished saying some thoughtful things about her, I felt Mr. Owens pat my shoulder, signalling for me to go up and do the same. The feeling to throw up sprouted up in me again, as I walked up onto the small stage. I looked around at the many unfamiliar faces and began to sweat a bit.
I'd pulled on my tie before speaking into the mic. "Um..." I started to say. Every light felt like it was shining down on me. I couldn't help but panic as I looked out at everyone in the pews, waiting for me to say something. My eyes darted towards my parents, and my dad patted his chest; reminding me that my eulogy I'd written was in the inside pocket of my suit.
I took a deep breath, and began fishing through the pocket, only to realize my perfectly written eulogy wasn't there, and instead there was a candy flavored lip-gloss in its place. I had recalled that earlier that morning, Ava wanted me to put her lip-gloss into one of my pockets, because her dress had none. I had taken out the eulogy I'd written and placed it on the kitchen counter, afraid that the lip-gloss would somehow get onto the paper and ruin it all. I had planned to put it in a different pocket, but then my dad had told us all to pile into the car, and I'd carelessly forgotten about it.
I tried not let the panic show on my face, as I straightened my tie with shaky hands and began to speak complete rubbish into the mic. "Um...Macey...Macey she was..." I stammered. I ran a hand over my sweaty face, and looked out into the blurry crowd before me. I closed my eyes trying to regain my focus and breathing.
I was taken back to the day when Macey had suffered from the same thing that plagued me that day. A panic attack. The only reason I knew how to handle her sudden attack was because of the fact that my mom had helped me handle mine. She would always distract me and try to get me to breathe whenever I had one.
Now here I was having a full blown panic attack in front of everyone at the girl I love's funeral.
"What he means is..." I suddenly heard a female voice say next to me. My eyes shot open, everything still blurry, and I saw striking blonde hair with a black bow in it. The girl, whoever she was, was wearing a flowy black dress, and black shimmery heels.
"...Macey was an amazing girl." she continued. "She was caring...and sweet...and..." the girl looked over at me. "...she had a really good friend. She didn't deserve to have this happen to her. No one does."
The girl had managed to distract me for a while, getting my breathing to return back to normal. I blinked a few times before the girl finally came into focus. I was, to say the least, shocked to see Lexi standing at the podium, speaking into the mic.
"I'll be...I'll be taking the heat for the rest of my life. I'll never forgive myself." Lexi continued except this time a bit quieter. "She...um...she was an outstanding student. I wouldn't have been surprised if she had been valedictorian. And while, Macey was all of these things...she was also misunderstood. Alone."
"That is until Lucas came along." she glanced at me, and I was still staring at her in shock. I was surprised no one had pulled me off of stage yet. "I-I never really hung out with them a lot. But I would see the way she looked at him; the way he looked at her. And I couldn't help but feel a bit jealous. I mean, she had found someone who understood her. Someone who she understood. Someone who made her happy."
"Just not happy enough. Because, Macey accepted the people who hurt her--taking in every word they said and believing it was true--instead of accepting the people who healed her." I could see the tears running down Lexi's rosy cheeks, and she quickly tried to swipe them away before they hit the glossy podium. "I just wish she would've done the opposite."
She glanced quickly over at me, and then held her head up high before walking away from the podium. I stumbled off of the stage too, before sitting back down in my seat, my head buried in my hands.
I had messed up, big time.
I wanted to do everything over. Not only the whole eulogy part, but everything. I wanted to meet Macey all over again. I wanted to see her face break out into a million-watt smile whenever I told some stupid joke. I wanted to somehow convince her that her life would get better; that she didn't have to cut to feel relieved. I felt like a complete failure for not being enough for her.
I wanted to be enough. I wanted to be enough, so badly.
While I was wallowing in self-pity, everyone around me was taking in the eulogies that other people had written. You know, the eulogies people hadn't forgotten on their kitchen counter. I had stayed in my position, head held in hands, for almost an hour, every now and then getting a reassuring pat on my shoulder from my mom.
I had felt horrible, and I couldn't forgive myself for choking up in front of everyone. And I had began to blame myself.
After everyone finished presenting, Mr. Owens thanked everyone and I slowly lifted my head up and rose from my seat, hanging my head as low as possible. As I was walking back to the car with my family, Lexi stepped in front of me. "Can I talk to you?" she'd asked, now catching the attention of my parents. She gave them a crooked smile, before turning back to me.
I gave Lexi a confused look, before glancing at my parents for their consent. When my dad patted me on the shoulder, I took it as an approval. Lexi tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and then reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me away from my parents.
When we were far away enough, she stopped and glanced nervously at me. She took a deep breath before saying, "I'm sorry."
It was then that I had recognized that not only was Macey's death my fault, but it was also Lexi's. She was nothing but evil to a girl who had done no wrong. And I'll admit, I had hated her for it. That is until she started sobbing right in front of me.
"I...I killed a girl, Lucas." she barely whispered, tears running down her cheeks. She looked me right in the eyes, and continued. "I killed her!" she exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air. "I made her feel worthless, and looked down on her and I...I can't live with myself, knowing I did that. And I-I wish I could say that I didn't mean it. I wish I could say that it was just joking, but it wasn't! And...and I'll never forgive myself." she sobbed.
It was the first time I had seen Lexi completely and utterly torn. Her makeup was running down her face, leaving nothing but streaks of black. Her usually tamed blonde hair was frizzy and out of control. I stared at her, confusion written all over my face. I couldn't wrap my head around Lexi Abrams, the most popular girl in school, crying--let alone apologizing. It all seemed so far fetched; but here she was, balling her eyes out, right in front of me.
"Say something!" she wailed, her blue eyes boring holes into me.
"I...What do you want me to say?"
"Say that-that you hate me! Say that you will never forgive me! Tell me...tell me that you want me dead! That...you want me to kill myself. That you want me to suffer the way I made her suffer! Tell me you want me to just die, because someone as pathetic and ugly as me doesn't deserve to live on this planet!" she cried.
I shook my head, looking right at her. "I can't...I can't do that." Though Lexi had been one of the major problems in Macey's life, and had made sure to ruin every aspect of it, I couldn't tell her that. I couldn't make her feel worthless. I couldn't kick her while she was down.
I couldn't stoop to her level.
"I'm such a horrible person." she cried into her hands, collapsing to the ground. My brain went blank for a moment, and I stood there staring at Lexi's crumpled figure leaning against the side of the church. I glanced around nervously, before sitting down next to her and doing the only thing I knew how to do in these types of situations.
I held her in my arms and allowed her to cry into my chest. She crumpled up my suit and banged her fist against my chest, while cursing herself.
When her sobs and turned into shallow pants, she looked up at me. "Why don't you hate me?" she asked. "I killed the girl you love and you're...you're consoling me." she'd whispered.
"You didn't kill her, Lexi. It was more like a team effort." I had said more to myself, referring to when I had turned her down just a few days prior. I had made her feel as if she didn't matter to me. I had made her feel as if she wasn't important, but she was more important to me than anything.
"Lexi...Macey was...she was broken." I continued. "I thought that, somehow, I could be the glue. I could fix her. But...I guess...I guess I couldn't. Macey, she was...worn out. Like a book. A book that's been kicked around, and slammed down, and tossed out. Pages started tearing and the spine was broken, and no matter how much tape you use, it can't be fixed, because soon another page will tear or the tape will give out. All that book needs now is for someone to kick it one last time...accidentally tear one of its pages...and then the book gives up...you give up. And there's no point anymore. The end pages are missing, there's a coffee stain on one of the most exciting parts...and the book is unreadable. The book just...gives up. Macey just...gave up."
Lexi looked up at me and shook her head slightly. "She shouldn't have. She should've stayed, and let you fix her. Because even though a book may be torn and broken, with coffee stains covering every page, it still deserves to be read. Because that's how you tell which books were the most enjoyable. And those are the books worth reading."
"I was so jealous of her," Lexi continued. "because she was worth figuring out, you know? She had someone to save her from the absolute Hell I put her through. She had you, and you...you didn't care that I hated her. You didn't care what anyone else thought. You were her Prince Charming...and I-I took her away from you."
"I'm...I'm sorry." she said pulling out of my hug and standing up from where we were on the ground. I stood up too, as she tried to wipe away the makeup from her cheeks and smooth out her hair. "Your parents are probably wondering where you are and I just..." she stopped herself from rambling on and sighed. "Thank you...for not hating me and...just thank you."
Lexi turned around and slumped away, her heels sorrowfully clicking on the pavement.
I remember that day, when I had finally gotten home, I went straight to the counter and just like I expected, my unread eulogy had been there.
Once I had it in my possession, I left the house again, running all the way down to the Oak Valley Local Cemetery, where Macey was buried. I remember panting for air, as I looked around to find her tombstone. It wasn't that hard to find, considering she'd only been buried a few hours before.
I had knelt down by her grave, taking off my jacket and loosening my tie, for what felt like the tenth time that day. I ran my fingers through my sweaty hair, and unfolded the crumpled piece of paper. When I had finally managed to catch my breath, I looked down at my eulogy and then to the tombstone in front of me.
I threw my eulogy down, in slight frustration. I'd realized that I didn't want to read her something I had prepared days beforehand, like I was reading from some textbook. I wanted her to know how I had felt at that exact moment.
"I'm sorry. Okay, I'm sorry for not...for not being enough." I choked out. I could feel the hot tears brimming my eyes. "I'm sorry for not understanding you. But I-I thought that maybe...if I loved you enough, you'd forget everything. You'd forget Lexi. You'd forget your mom. You'd forget cutting. I guess...I was wrong about that." I let out a bitter laugh. "I was wrong about a lot of things, actually."
"You know," I started.
"My grandpa was buried here." I pointed to his tombstone, which was only a few feet away from hers, as if she was there to see it. "He used t-to read me books and give me advice. Then he just...he just died. It was about seven, maybe eight, years ago. Ever since I've had panic attacks. I was always wondering...who's next, You know? Who am I going to lose next?" I shook my head and and wiped away the tears that had rolled down onto my cheeks. "I just never thought it'd be you."
I buried my head in my hands for a moment before yelling at the tombstone. "I loved you!" The anger was building up inside of me, and I couldn't contain it. Why had she left me? Why did she leave me here with all of these unanswered questions? Why wasn't I good enough to save her from the Hell she was living?
"A-And I guess the worst part is...I'll never get to know if you loved me back." I took a deep breath before continuing. "And so many people loved you. Do you think all of those people who came to your funeral were there for the fun of it?" I asked no one.
I sighed. "But I-I guess that's our fault...we thought 'Hey what's the big deal? I'll see her again tomorrow!' but we didn't. I guess it's kind of ironic, how people want to listen to you now that you're dead."
"And I'm sorry I didn't listen to you enough while you were still here, okay?" I ran my fingers through my hair and stood up. "I'm really sorry." I said one last time, before grabbing my jacket and leaving Macey behind.
I spent the rest of that day staring blankly at the endless water of No Ends Lake, I hadn't been there since then, because of the memories the lake held...which I knew Macey wouldn't have liked. I just couldn't bring myself to go there anymore.
"Okay Lucas...tell me something--anything--about her. Your mom told me her name was...Marcey?" Dr. Morgan questioned, interrupting my thoughts yet again.
I wanted to correct her, but of course that would mean ruining my facade. "Just tell me something about her. What'd she look like? What were her interest? What do you remember most about her?" When I refused to respond, Dr. Morgan sighed. I could tell she wanted a reaction from me. Anything from me; a smile, a nod, a small gesture. And I was set on not giving her one.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket, desperate to see when my session would end. I didn't expect a wrinkly piece of folded notebook paper to fall out of my jeans pocket also. I bent down to get the paper and unfolded it, careful not to rip it.
I scanned the paper quickly, only to realize it was Macey's handwriting that filled the spaces. I quickly began to read it, forgetting everything around me.
"Dear Lucas,
If you happen to read this, I want to say I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for not being good enough. I'm so sorry for messing everything up. I'm just sorry. I knew I wasn't the most energetic person to be around, but for some reason, you didn't care. You didn't care that I had problems. You didn't care that I was a mess...that I was broken. So thank you, for being there for me when I needed someone. When I needed to be comforted, or I just needed to be held in warm arms and be told that everything was going to be okay. Thank you for not giving up on me.
I hope that someday, I get to see you again...in Heaven? If such a place exist. Maybe you'll look different...maybe you won't. Maybe you'll remember me...maybe you won't. Either way, I'll remember you. I'll remember you as the boy who tried to save me. I'll remember you as my hero. I'll remember you as the boy who held my heart in the palm of his hands and refused to let it go. And I'll remember you as the boy who held me in his arms and made everything bad in the world seem to disappear.
I'm not entirely sure if you understand...or if you ever will. Because even though I was happy...even though I seemed happy...I wasn't. Because sadness never truly goes away, I guess. It kind of just stays there...waiting to show its ugly face again. With you, I was happy, though. You made things different, somehow. Good different. But there's only so much different, that sadness can take. And now that I think about it, I don't know if I was ever truly happy.
I know that seems weird to understand...but I guess I'm weird to understand, too. Maybe, I didn't belong here. Maybe, wherever I am now, is where I truly belong. And I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, you'll understand that. The thing was, I guess this is all my fault too. I tried to put up barricades, and I tried to block you out. I tried so hard to keep you from just seeing me as a freak. But I guess it backfired, considering I never opened up to anyone besides you.
And even though you didn't quite understand me, you were the only one who actually tried to. You were the only one that seemed to care. You were the only one who would go through Hell just so you could figure me out...figure out why I was so closed off. So again, thank you.
I know it won't matter, and I know you don't feel the same. But I want you to know that I love you. Ever since you found out that I, you know, cut myself; I loved you. Because you didn't think I was a freak, even though deep down I thought I was. You didn't look at me differently. You didn't runaway. And somehow...I thought...I think...you maybe, just might've, loved me too.
Love, Macey"
I smiled down at the paper, and wiped away the tears that were sliding down my cheek. I looked up to see Dr. Morgan watching me intently.
It was then that I'd noticed a poster hanging on the wall, in Dr. Morgan's office. It wasn't quite in my range of vision, but with the amount of times I'd been here, you'd think I would've noticed it before. It read:
"We're meant to lose people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?"
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
I guess it was kind of right. I mean, no one really appreciated Macey while she was here. No one knew what their lives would be like without her. Now that she was gone, and had nothing more to say, everyone suddenly wanted to listen.
Dr. Morgan's watch beeped, signalling my session being over, and she sighed once more. I tucked the paper into my jeans pocket again, telling myself to read it again whenever I got the chance, just so I wouldn't forget Macey Owens.
I stood up and walked out of her office, and saw my mom flipping through a magazine. When she spotted me, she walked over to me, Ava following behind her. My mom asked the question she asked me every time I walked out of Dr. Morgan's office:
"Are you okay?"
I would usually just stare at her, and she would give me a sad smile before we headed back home, but instead I gave her a small grin and replied, "I'm great."
She smiled at me, glad that I had finally decided to open up and talk after all these months.
And okay, maybe I wasn't great. But I was okay...and I guess that was better than being miserable like I had been the past few months. And I noticed that, I actually was okay, maybe even a little better than okay; because even though Macey wasn't here with me, physically, she'd always be with me mentally.
And I would remember her.
I'd remember her as the girl who was, in fact, not a mess...but broken. I would remember her as the girl who I'd tried to fix. I'd remember her as my first love. And I'd remember her as the girl who felt like she belonged in my arms, even though I could no longer have her there.
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Sad ending...I'm sorry...I know you guys were expecting her to probably get better(which is possible). But I took a different approach that most authors are afraid to take. I wanted people(mostly people who self-harm) to see how important they are, and even if you THINK no one will miss you, it's sooooo not true
I hope you guys aren't upset with me.
And I just...I'M JUST NOT A BIG FAN OF HAPPY ENDINGS! I'M SORRY!
Anyways thanks for reading! Love to all of you!<3