Jake's kiss told me everything he was feeling – there was tenderness and longing, but also sadness and loss. It told me he knew I couldn't love him back the way he wanted and he accepted that. He was saying goodbye. And I kissed him back, not with passion but certainly with love and sadness. I wanted him to know I was sorry and that he would always be in my heart. I was telling him goodbye as well.
When he finally pulled away and let me go, he murmured, "I've given Rick a couple of names for replacements."
"Okay," was all I could manage.
And with that he was leaving as quietly as he'd arrived. I stood at the door and before he disappeared down the stairwell, called out, "Jake." He stopped and turned to me, the look on his face squeezing my heart. "Thank you. For everything." He nodded, opening his mouth as if to say something then thought better of it, gave me the smallest of smiles and continued on his way.
"Shit," I said to the empty flat as I closed the door behind me, sliding to the floor with the opening words from Photograph popping unbidden to mind. 'Loving can hurt, Loving can hurt sometimes, but it's the only thing that I know.' "Shit, shit, fuckity fuck." Then the tears came and I cried for a friend who was hurting, and for myself for losing him.
---
"Darling, there's something I want to tell you. Need to tell you. Want or need? No, both – I want and need to tell you. Or maybe now's not the right time; you're probably a bit jet-lagged and tired, though you don't look tired, you look just as gorgeous as always. More gorgeous, because I've missed you so much." I ran a hand over his face – those amazing cheekbones and oh-so-kissable lips. "Are you tired? Do you mind me telling you even if you're tired? Should I wait and tell you later, after you've had some sleep? Or perhaps..."
Long fingers stalled my verbal diarrhoea and were soon replaced – all too briefly - by those wonderful lips. "Cara, you're rambling."
"Yes, well, that's what I do, isn't it. And I'm pretty good at it, I think. I've had plenty of..." Fingers on my lips hushed me again.
"What are you nervous about?" he asked softly, snaking an arm around my waist to draw me closer as we sat on the couch, late morning sunshine highlighting the auburn tints in his hair and throwing his face into relief. He smelled as good as he looked and my eyes closed briefly while I inhaled eau de Benedict. "Is this related to whatever it was you were upset about the other night?"
Nodding, I brought my eyes to his. "Yes it is, it's all part and parcel...but you have to promise you won't get upset. And you'll listen to the whole story before you say or do anything...will you promise?"
The searching look he gave me seemed to gaze right into my soul. "I can't promise not to get upset."
"Why not?" I frowned.
"Because you're making it sound like it's something I will get upset about, so it's hardly fair to make me promise not to."
Oh God, I'm not sure I'm up to working out that logic. It sounds reasonable enough... "But you promise to hear me out and not say or do anything until you've heard every single word, even if you are upset?" There's that searching gaze again. I squirmed a bit, but held my own; it was vital he heard the whole thing or it would sound bad. Really bad.
Eventually he nodded. "Yes." I breathed in relief and began, starting with Jake's behaviour at the gig and what Marcus and Rick had attributed it to, through to him coming here and quitting the band and then kissing me. And me kissing him back. And why. Then I willed my heart to keep beating while I waited for him to say something. When he removed his arms from around me and stood up I froze, my pulse skipping a beat until he began pacing backwards and forwards in front of me and I could inhale again. He had his actor face on, so I had no idea what he was thinking or feeling or...oh God, say something Ben, please.
Finally he stopped pacing and sat again, though not quite as close as before. "If it were Olivia who was still in love with me and we kissed like that, how would you feel?" Olivia was an ex-girlfriend; they'd been together for ten years before splitting up.
"That's different Ben, you and Olivia had a romantic relationship, Jake and I never did."
"Still, she realised I'd never go back to her and kissed me goodbye and I kissed her back."
"With the same feelings as when I kissed Jake?"
"Yes."
I gave it serious thought. I had seen him kiss other women, of course, even passionately – and though it was an element of his craft and meant nothing, I still experienced a visceral reaction each time. Before we met I'd had no trouble watching him in sex scenes but now I couldn't bear to see them – I'd found that out the hard way. The one time I had watched, I'd sat there making comparisons – did he make love in movies the same way he made love to me? It was torment. I may have felt silly being jealous of something that was merely pretend, but it didn't stop me feeling that way.
"I'd be a bit jealous," I said honestly, "and perhaps a little hurt."
"Would you think I was cheating on you?"
"Not if you told me you weren't. I trust you."
He nodded. "Then we're on the same page."
Oh God. A range of emotions battered me but I was determined not to let my voice wobble when I told him, "I'm not cheating on you Ben."
Thankfully his response came quickly. "I believe you." The impassive expression was gone, relief in its place. His eyes, though, showed a flash of jealousy and hint of sorrow, and I felt a stab of pain in my chest.
"I'm sorry I hurt you." The sadness and guilt I felt thickened my throat and brought tears to my eyes but I blinked them back determinedly.
"I know, darling...I know that wasn't your intention." His fingers ran over his jaw and mouth then slowly reached out to me; I grasped them as a drowning man would a lifebuoy.
"Are we...okay?" I asked tentatively, not wanting to read too much into the gesture, watching his face desperately for a sign that I didn't need to start packing my bags.
He looked surprised for a fleeting moment before warmth and tenderness flooded his features and the pounding of my heart slowed to a more normal rhythm. When he held his other arm wide and said, "Of course we are," I needed no second bidding to enter his embrace and wrap my own arms around him, burying my head in the crook of his neck.
"I love you so much," I told his shoulder.
"I love you too. How about marrying me next week?"
"I thought you'd never ask."
The rumble of his laughter reassured me as much as his words had and I gave a sigh of relief as a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. It's okay. We're okay. Thank God.
---
The House of Elemis lived up to all the hype my sister-in-law had given it. Tucked away on a cobblestoned Mayfair street like a sanctuary in the middle of the busy city, its luxurious newly renovated shop and treatment rooms were the perfect places in which to relax. We'd started with the Biotec facial which involved micro electric currents, light therapy and oxygen infusion to – as Sonia, our therapist, put it - repair, firm, invigorate and generally princess-ify our skin. The others – Maria, Maggie, Annie, Antonella and my cousins Stefania and Isobella – were enjoying the treatment as much as I was, if the myriad of moans and sighs I heard was anything to go by.
"I could seriously get to like having this treatment regularly," Annie said as we sipped on the glass of champagne we'd been given after our facials. "Who's next to be married after Cara? You totally have to come back here again."
"Ella!" Maria, Stef, Izzy and I all said at once, making Antonella blush furiously.
"I don't understand why that brother of mine hasn't proposed to you yet," I told her, taking another large sip from my glass – perhaps not the best idea as I hadn't eaten all day and the alcohol was likely to go straight to my head. Well, heck, it's my Hen's Day; I can get a little tiddly can't I?
"Maybe you should follow Cara's example and do the proposing yourself," Stef suggested, causing Ella to blush again and me to giggle.
"I don't know how you had the balls to do that in front of so many people, Cara; I would've been frozen with fright," Maggie said.
"It just slipped out," I giggled again, "I hadn't planned it but it felt right at the time."
"It was obvious you hadn't planned it, sis, or your speech would have gone for half an hour instead of five minutes." Maria had a point, of course, and we all laughed at my propensity for word vomit.
"Was Benedict surprised?"
I smiled at Izzy. "He had planned to propose to me that night, apparently – he had the ring in his pocket." There were lots of awwwws and sighs. "But he's used to me blurting out whatever comes to mind; he told me nothing I say surprises him any more."
Thinking of that night reminded me of something else he said after I'd proposed – about it being a great story to tell our children. I felt a deep pull in the pit of my stomach but before I could begin to analyse it we were summoned for our next treatment – The Garden of England Rose Restore Massage – which promised to be an hour's worth of sheer relaxation. Maria, Ella and I were in a room together and although we chatted gaily to begin with, conversation soon fell by the wayside as we succumbed to the pleasures of the salt scrub and soft, hydrating body massage. It was total Heaven.
From the spa we progressed to a quaint little bar nearby and I had a couple more drinks. When the barman discovered I was a bride-to-be he gave me a third, on the house, and asked what my fiancé was like. "I haven't had any man candy in a while, honey," he told me, "I'll have to live vicariously through you."
"Mmm, tall...yummy...beautiful eyes...soft hairs on his chest...sooooo sexy...gorgeous bum..." I was about to take another sip of the lovely tropical-looking concoction when Maria suddenly appeared at my side. "All right missy, I think we need to get some food into you – we don't want you peaking too early in the evening."
"Peeking? Is there presents? Oh, I love presents!"
"No, that's not the peaking I meant." She removed the glass from my hand and pulled me off the barstool. "We might need coffee as well."
"Hey! That's my cute little umbrella!" I protested. She grabbed the umbrella from the drink with a groan and an eye roll and handed it to me before dragging me away. The others surrounded me as I walked along admiring its papery cuteness and before I knew it we were outside a restaurant; looking up I saw the name Da Corradi. "Oh no, not Italian food!" I exclaimed in what I thought was a quiet voice, but the instant shushing I got from my friends led me to believe perhaps it was louder than I'd intended. "I eat that stuff all the time! Come on, I want...umm...what do I want?" I looked at them but they just looked back blankly. Sheesh. No help at all. Umm, what do I want to eat? Some kind of...food...yeah, food. Mmmm. "Chinese!" I announced. "I want won tons." Hehe, that sounds funny. "Won tons," I said again, looking at the others, who didn't seem to get it. "Tough crowd," I muttered, admiring my umbrella once more.
Someone looked up Chinese restaurants on their iPhone then I was dragged off again a block away to the Princess Garden. I giggled when I saw the name. "Hey, we got all princessed, no...princtified...at the spa! This is perfick for us!"
"Good grief, Cara, you are such a lightweight," Stef laughed.
"Nope," I replied, popping my 'p' like Ben did and giggling when it made me picture him doing it. "I don't box."
"Oh, honey," Annie laughed, putting her arm around my shoulder and leading me to a table. "Come on, let's get some won tons into you."
I grinned, sitting down heavily on plush red velvet. "Won tons. Hehehe."
---
Somewhat revived by Cantonese cuisine and a strong coffee, we went on to a nightclub to dance. The throbbing beat of the music pulsated through me and I leapt on the dance floor like I was drawn by a magnet, writhing and twisting as if my life depended on it.
But dancing is thirsty work and before long I needed some refreshment; by the time we'd been dancing for three hours I had built up a stack of small umbrellas. They'd started getting a little fuzzy when Ella plopped down beside me, her face flushed from dancing and her eyes sparkling.
"This is fun!" she exclaimed. "Are you enjoying yourself Cara?"
I nodded enthusiastically. "Whoa! How did you get so many faces?" She appeared to have multiplied into six or seven clones; I peered at them blearily, squinting and blinking my eyes until the number changed to only three. "Ella, that's freaky – you have to stop. What will nonna say?"
"O-kaaay, look's like the bride-to-be needs to be cut off," all her faces said and smiled to someone next to me. I turned to see who it was.
"Hey, you know, you look a lot like my cousin," I told the new set of faces. "'Cept she's taller and not as pretty." All the faces laughed so I grinned. "Not as tall as my Benny, though...he's taller. And Tom's tallerer than him, even, you know?" The heads nodded sagely. "Do you know my Benny?" I asked them all. "Isn't he wonderful? He loves me, you know, especially my naughty maid outfit." I winked with both eyes.
"Cara! Oh my God! Too much information!" some of the heads said.
"What?" I aksed...um, asked.
Just then a whole bunch more faces arrived. "Is there a twins conven...content...meeting here, cause damn!"
"All right, let's get her home," a voice said; it seemed to be coming from a group of women to my left.
"Home?" I asked.
"Home to Ben," they answered.
"My Benny?" I looked around at them all. How did they do that dancing in circles thing? "He has a gorgeous bum. Have you seen it?"
"Cara!"
After that I remember some bright lights, cool air, a lumpy seat and one of the heads letting me rest on her shoulder. Then it all went blank.