au: dan finds it difficult to trust after a checkered past of regret
tw: abuse, angst
song!fic - doubt by twenty øne pilots
(lowercase letters are intentional)
--
authors pov:
scared of my own image, scared of my own immaturity
dan slouched in his uncomfortable wooden desk as his history teacher went on with the lesson. it was his first day in his new school and he was beyond nervous and uneasy.
his family packed up and moved because of dan getting bullied constantly. but he was used to it. it's not the first time his family had to move because of this...maybe if dan wasn't so weak and picked up for himself he would gain more confidance and be happy with himself..
scared of my own ceiling, scared i'il die of uncertainty
he gazed over to see the outside from his perfect window seat. droplets of water slowly, but surely made their way down the glass and disappeared almost too quickly for the boys liking.
the rain was calming and gave him peace at mind. as his brown irises were focusing on another droplet a sharp firm voice shot from the front of the room
"dan! this is history class, not the daydream department. may i please have your attention?"
the highschooler sighed and nodded. "yes sir."
***
dan's pov:
fear might be the death of me.. fear leads to anxiety. don't know what's inside of me
i was making my way home. back to my bedroom. back to my laptop and music. back to where everything almost made sense.
the sky was still grey, giving off a 'im dark and upset' persona. nothing weird for berkshire, england.
although the pouring ran had subsided, the sky was still dewy and misty making dans brown hair a curly natural mess. as he was kicking a couple stones down the street a voice called out. it was a northern accent if he ever heard one.
"hey, you!"
dan turned around to find a tall guy with a black fringe falling over his light blue eyes jogging toward him.
"you left your science folder..i was told to give it to you." the northern guy handed me the red folder with endless notes inside and i shoved it in my bag, closing it up again.
"im phil lester, by the way!" he told me with a smile.
im supposed to say my name now, right?
"o-oh, im dan howell. hello!" i smile back a weak smile in which he returned.
"thanks for my folder by the way.."
"oh, it's nothing. i'il catch you later dan! bye!" he waved and jogged back toward the large building.
i wave at him before returning back to my route home..
damn, he was cute..
don't forget about me..even when i doubt you. im no good without you, no
i open the front door, shutting it behind me. i drop my schoolbag to floor and take off my shoes.
mum pokes her head around the wall as she notices me. "hi hun," she greeted.
"hey mum," i reply in a flat tone.
i follow her into the kitchen in search of a snack.
"so how was your first day?" she asked, flicking her brown hair over her shoulders as she prepared dinner.
i shrug even though she cannot see me. "it was fine."
she turns around and looks me in the eyes, concern visible in her expression.
"anyone giving you trouble?"
i groan. "no, everything was okay."
mum nods.
i grab an apple from the fruit bowl and head upstairs, finally being able to be alone for a while. i pass the lounge to see my dad watching a football game fully immersed in his jersey.
jogging up the stairs i pass my brother adrians closed bedroom door. i could hear he was playing mario kart.
i reach my bedroom, walk in and shut the door. finally alone.
temperatures dropping, temperatures dropping. im not sure if i can see this ever stopping
***
i fly up in bed screaming and sweating. another nightmare..another frightening, painful, sad nightmare. when will they leave me alone? when will this memory of him leave?
"you fucking asshole, jack!" i shriek through my tears.
shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts, no, you are all that i've got, no
authors pov:
this is half the reason dan is broken..unable to trust. being hurt, betrayed, lied to, used..right around the same time two years ago, the bullying started. dans family only started to move when they realized the problem was getting really major..1 year from then. jack was getting worse and worse with what he was doing and so were the others at school.
even to this day the 16 year old still feels the pain he did then. he just wants to move on..he wants to forget. but the more he doubts himself, the weaker he gets. does he need help? in his mind he does.
grabbing his phone from the nightstand he checks the time; 3:02am.
after calming himself down to the best of his ability, he shut his eyes and lets sleep consume him.
***
the next day dan had found out that the guy from the previous day, phil, was in dans english class. he also found out they were being paired together for a project.
as soon as all of the pairs were put together, the two teens started to brainstorm some ideas. they had to write an essay on each other's interests.
that would mean dan would have to talk about himself..maybe not deep personal stuff, but..
dan was twiddling with his thumbs until phil snapped his fingers to bring dan back to reality.
"you alright dan?" asked phil conceringly.
dan lifted his head to meet phil, his bright blue pools of life for eyes looking at him. out of everyone in the world phils eyes were on dan. average, boring, broken dan.
phils pov:
i had decided to break the silence between dan and i. it was getting pretty awkward, but honestly i didn't care too much. it gave me a chance to really look at this guy. he was extremely attractive..yet intriguing.
there's just something about him..since i've seen dan for the first time just yesterday. the look he gave me. his brown eyes had something behind them..hurt. it pains me to see him like this. maybe i can help him, just maybe.
i coughed awkwardly, then tore my gaze away from the brunette dressed in black and down to the outline sheet for our essays.
"so, dan. what do you reckon we should do? since this is an assignment we're gonna have to do this outside of school." i say.
dan just nods.
"do you wanna come over to my place?" i add, secretly hoping he'd say yes.
dan broke out into a grin and nodded. "sure, that's sounds cool. after school?"
i smile wide and nod in agreement.
"meet me out by the school gates at the last bell."
***
don't forget about me..even when i doubt you, im no good without you, no
dans pov:
later that day i waited outside of the school just like phil and i had arranged. after seeing people rushing by in an attempt to get home quickly, i see phil walk out the school doors and toward me with his signature smile.
i forgot to mention that he looks very cute in his gengar shirt and black skinny jeans with blue vans. he definetely knows how to look smart, yet casual.
"you ready?" asked phil.
i manage to grin and nod, walking next to him out of the school gates and toward phils house.
***
"hahah, really? that's so cute!" i gush at phils story on how his first word was 'light' as a baby.
we were sprawled out on phils blue and green checkered duvet discussing anything and everything, including our interests and personality for the assignment.
"you're honestly awesome, phil."
authors pov:
phil felt his cheeks flush and his heart melt at dans words.
"nah, that's you honesty," giggled the northern male.
dan smiled, showing his dimple and looked down at the bedsheets. 'sad dan' wouldn't have said what he just did to phil, or to anyone in that matter.
he had no confidance, but an unstoppable doubt that he was destined for a life of sorrow and misery. someone like dan wouldn't be able to find a friendship that lasts..or be able to crush on someone without it going horribly wrong. he just wasn't stable enough to manage to friendship/realtionship. but just then..what happened? perhaps phil was dan's confidance booster.
in a few hours dan had talked to phil about most of his interests like tv, the internet, kanye west, food, anime, etc. he was proud of talking that much, and also surprised that phil listened and related to him. that usually never happens.
phil also talked to dan about his interests. he explained his love for the band muse and the importance of the few posters he had of the band hung on the wall near us, his anime obsession, lions, cereal, youtube, his favourite foods and memories.
phil was way more interesting than dan. it was also really obvious.
later that evening dans mum texted for him to come home.
"it was really good seeing you dan, i'ill see you in school?"
dan grinned.
"yeah, bye phil!"
and they hugged. it was the first time the two were ever as close as they were and dan honestly needed it. he inhaled phils scent and pulled him in close.
***
it was five weeks later. phil and dan have presented their assignment and things were going almost okay for dan more and more. the nightmares were less frequent and his trust for phil has increased..so has his feelings.
love and trust has always been a touchy subject for dan. after being hurt by many people in his life, he still struggles to get close with many people. he's been outside of the social circle for a few years now and is now getting back into it. he's feeling way happier than he's been in a long time.
phil was over to dans house for the night. his parents and brother were gone out to a family party just a few blocks away, so the two had the house to themselves. what do two 17 year olds do in a house by themselves? watch netflix and cuddle in bed, duh!
dans pov:
i leaned into phils warm chest, gaining more of the radiating body heat. he smelt of strawberries and coconut. i felt so safe in his arms. safe from everything. safer than i've been in a long time..because of phil lester.
"phil?" i call out softly.
"hmm?" he replied, looking down at me.
"you helped me gain confidance.."
he smiled warmly and pushed my fringe out of my eyes gently.
"what do you mean?" he asked.
i take a deep breath...this is it.
"well, you see phil, i haven't been able to properly talk to someone about myself in lets say, three to four years."
phil frowns and i continue.
"about two years ago i had a friend. his name was jack. we met in elementary and he was great. he played football and was very popular. as soon as i saw him i fell for him. by that time i had realized i was bisexual. i wanted his attention and i wanted to be his friend..maybe even more than that. after a few hopeless attempts he actually came around..."
i pause.
"and i'il probably never forget what he said to me on that day..he said 'you seem really cool dan, we should hangout, just the two of us.' so, that night we went out. after an amazing night he kissed me on the porch. i was lovestruck. time skip. we had started dating and had both came out to our parents about it. everything was going well until about 2 months in. jack started to get more distant and hung out with other groups of people. i had no problem at first, but it started to become concerning..i found him making out with some girl his room.."
i wipe the tears from my eyes and phil pulls me in closer.
"i was broken. i had planned that next day to tell him we were through, but when i tried to confront him he slapped me and told me im not leaving him..i was terrified. this wasn't the jack i knew or loved, but a monster. the abuse went on for another year before i managed to escape from the threats. i don't know where he is now, and i don't care."
phil wiped his own tears and made me face him.
"im so sorry this has happened to you dan, i truly am..i care about you so much. don't ever be afraid to talk to me about your problems."
i nod and say," i won't be anymore...i trust you. you've made me so happy phil, you have no idea."
"that's amazing to hear because you make me happy..and i think you're the most gorgeous person i've ever seen, dan."
authors pov:
phil grabbed dans cheeks and pulled him in closer.
"would it be bad if i kissed you?" mumbled phil, almost touching dans lips.
"let's see what happens," smirked dan before closing the gap between them.
hope you haven't left without me, hope you haven't left without me, please
dans lips were smooth against phils and the kiss was soft. they pulled away a few moments later.
"i no longer doubt myself, phil."
--
happy new year! #2k16
that was INCREDIBLY long and i also had major writers block toward the end, so appreciate my hardwork!!! haha
i know this one is a little sad, but next oneshot will be more cheerful! :)
i actually really enjoyed this au, so maybe i'il do something like it again in the future ^_^
also, vote & comment if you like
i love you all!!