A/N
So I know it's been awhile & I'm so sorry for that..... & this chapter is kinda short and doesn't exactly get to a point but I promise you I'm forming a good idea that I'm going to start writing now. You guys my hate me at the end of this story idk yet. But I love you guys for all the support that's helped continue this story. Hope I haven't lost too many readers.... enjoy :)
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It's toddlers, like Finn, that can make even what would usually be the dullest image to you, the brightest.
I realize this when I'm walking home with Finn in my arms. The now just barely three year old seems rather heavy to my frail arms, but I don't complain. After a few moments of walking he squeals and begs to be let down. I do as told and he immediately takes off in a quick sprint for a toddler. I frown and curse under my breath not realizing what he's doing until he halts at a bundle of familiar flowers.
"Hey Catnip! Look!"
I chuckle slightly despite the tears held captive in my grey eyes that I do not dare let go of for Finn's sake. But I can't help but feel some delight in the nickname for me he picked up off Gale the last time he saw us at our toasting. For a moment, I forget what these flowers resemble to me and the somberness they usually bring.
"C'mon, downnn!" he begs, pleading me to lean down to him.
I do as told, kneeling so we are eye to eye. Just then, he plucks a flower from the bundle and I close my eyes as he gently slides its stem behind my ear so that it is popping out from my hair.
"Pwetty," he says, his three year old voice failing to pronounce the word correctly.
I would love to tell little Finn what these flowers are called just to better his knowledge, but I know I'll completely breakdown at the name and he nor I can handle that. So I just lift him back into my arms and continue to walk home.
~
After Finn had a very fun and playful time and I had a very tiresome one, Gale comes home from work. It's as if Finn completely forgets all the hours I'd just spent with him. He runs straight into Gale's open arms and is lifted into the air. I have to admit that I'm jealous of how good Gale is with kids. To be honest, he never really seemed like the type to be particularly good at that kind of thing. But I guess all those years of growing up in a house full of kids, he learned how to love them more than I did. All I had was Prim . . . and I guess I focused more on the protective part of having a kid than the loving one sometimes.
"I'm so worn out!" I complain, Gale's eyes flicker from giggling Finn's to mine.
"Oh yeah? That makes two of us," he exclaims. Suddenly, I feel a little selfish for saying that. All I've had to do is watch a kid and Gale has been at work all day and his work I know is one million times harder than the job I took on today.
"I'm sorry," I say bluntly. Gale lays little Finn on the couch and tickles him for a second. At first I think he might just ignore me, but once he's sat down cuddled up with Finn and turned on some cartoons for him, he looks up at me from the couch.
"For what?" he asks, his tone, I sense, being a little bit snappy.
"Just . . . I don't know, being selfish. I'll take care of the little monster, you go on to bed."
"It's only 7:00 right now Catnip, I'll survive."
I sigh and sit down on the other side of Finn. Finn is so small that I can still lean far enough to lay my head on Gale's shoulder. I then feel a gentle kiss on the top of my head before he lays his head on top of mine. Our arms are wrapped around Finn and it almost feels like we're wrapped in each other's. I decide that I like having Finn between us . . . it almost feels like something in our hearts that has been empty is now full, it's weird. I start to wonder if having a kid wouldn't be so bad. After all, although it was tiring, I did have fun with Finn today. But I remind myself that it's only the beginning of his stay and I can't jump to conclusions.
So I let my thoughts go and sleep takes me under.
~
I wake up to delicate sensations on my neck. The butterfly kisses have returned and my foggy mind realizes what is happening quickly. Gale moves my hair aside, flipping it to the front so he can please the back of my neck with his soft and gentle lips. I moan in satisfaction, revealing to Gale that I'm awake. He then gently tugs on my side to flip me over onto my back. My lips arch up into a smile and I laugh a little when his lips diligently touch my nose then my chin.
"Finn might be awake," I mumble.
"No, no," he disagrees. "He just went to sleep. So I hope you enjoyed your nap Catnip," Gale grins. "Nighttime is the only time we're gonna get alone together for a week so we better use it wisely."
"Aren't you tired?" I chuckle.
"Not really anymore . . . not yet at least," he gives me a small smile and then sits up, his back against the headboard of the bed.
I curve my body so that my head is in Gale's lap. He removes my hair from its braid diligently and then softly plays with the thin, worn out strands.
"So tell me about your day," he says lovingly.
I smile slightly at this. Something makes this comment so extremely sweet. Just him asking that makes me feel delighted inside. I am pleased that he cares about how my day went, but I'm not one to carry conversations with ease & so I simply say,
"Not much to tell." Gale sighs at my reply.
"Come on. Tell me the little things. Start to finish, detail after detail." I cover my eyes with one hand and let out a faint groan.
"Why?" I mumble as his fingers move all my hair to one side and then diligently wrap around my wrist to move it carefully, revealing my eyes, pinched shut.
Silence. All you here is the pecks of his lips as each eyelid of mine receives a delicate kiss.
"Because it's important to me." I open my eyes to see Gale's frown. Then guilt overwhelms me.
Although I feel guilty, my intention is still to object. I feel much too weary from my nap to practically tell a short story. However, instead of objection, the start of my day tumbles out from the back of my throat. My words wander along the tiny highlights of my day all the way to the finish. Then, I force him to do the same which he does without complaint and in much more detail than my own.
"Katniss," Gale says with a hint of caution in his voice. I can tell he's going to bring up something I'm probably not going to like by the tone of his voice. I gulp.
"Yes, Gale?" He swallows in a breath of air only to release it moments later.
"Remember the morning you got reaped-"
Gale stops and I realize that I'd unintentionally stopped breathing just at this comment. He places his hand on my thigh and tightens his grip on it to comfort me.
"how you asked if . . . if I'd ever have kids."
I nod solemnly wanting so bad to scream at him in anger for bringing this up, but I decide I'll let the conversation float a little before submerging his little idea.
"Well I'm not asking for kids anytime soon Katniss, I'm really not, I just want to know if it's ever gonna happen . . ."
I move his hand away from my thigh. I take one look at his face and can see the exasperation he's built up for me since the miscarriage. There's one thing Gale hates more than anything . . . probably even more than he hates me right now and that's when people just give up and run away from their problems. However, that is exactly what I often find myself doing. It's what I want to do right now. Run away. Instead, I hug my knees to my chest and fight the urge to bury my head in them.
"I don't know Gale."
I've done it now. I know I have. I hardly even want to look at him. Where sadness would usually appear at this point for most people, it's anger that immediately overwhelms Gale at my comment.
"Well I guess I'm better off asking if you'll ever know then, but maybe not because you'll probably reply with the same old damn comment for that question too. You always do," Gale says firmly. If it weren't for Finn sleeping then I wouldn't doubt he'd be screaming.
"You don't know what it was like Gale," I try to say with anger, but my voice breaks at the memories of the games. Then I can't take it anymore and I completely snap, trying to hold myself together as I do.
"You may think you do, but you don't, that's what your problem is. Maybe if you took time to actually understand it you'd get why I'm afraid to have kids. Let alone I tried to understand you for once and have a kid with you and I thought maybe since that didn't end so well you'd lay off of me a bit, but I guess I was wrong."
He lyes on the bed, a little aghast at my remark. I can see tears glazed over his eyes which reminds me that I've already let go of my own. He sighs. For a moment I think he's just going to apologize, but other words spill out. All of a sudden he's gotten on his knees in front of me on the cushioning of the bed and has grasped my hands, holding them in his.
"You're right Katniss. I know I'm selfish and think of my self sometimes before I do anyone else and that's just who I am and I'm sorry for that."
I'm shocked at what he's saying because usually when Gale gets started up like that he'll continue to fight back and try to prove me wrong until I've convinced myself that I am. But tonight, he's broken, given up for once or maybe not even that. He's just trying to get how I feel.
"Look I wanna understand it all, I really do. I wanna mend things as much as I can until you feel comfortable to do this. I know I'm being horrible for pushing you into this so let me just hear what you have to say each night until I completely get it."
I pause and for a long moment there's silence until he gently says,
"So . . . you can start anywhere, I'm listening."
I knit my eyebrows together in confusion. At first I'm hesitant to go along with this, but I realize I can't be. I've asked for him to understand and now he's trying. So I have to cooperate.
I begin to explain what it was like to hear Prim's name get reaped and why I volunteered and why I couldn't bare to see her go. Just saying her name chokes me up and after five full minutes of explaining this simple piece to the puzzle of my life silent tears are trickling down my face and I can hardly go on. Gale stops me there and pulls me into his arms. I realize this is going to be even harder than I thought, but I still have to be willing to try. And at some point I fall asleep, crying into Gale's comforting arms.