Mr. & Mrs. Crazy Pants •A Jer...

By Superjusticeleaguer

22.4K 663 130

Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.... •He was deranged and twisted...• •She was a killer and loved a... More

One: Waffles & A Murder
Two: Murderous Bonding
Three: Home Run..
Four: One Of The Good Guys
Five: Every Girl Loves Neck Biting...Right?
Six: Please Don't Take My Sunshine...Away...
Eight: Are You Deranged Like Me?
Nine: What Are We, Some Kind Of Suicide Squad?
Ten: You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Eleven: His Last Laugh?!?
Twelve: Friends? Foe? Who Knows?
Thirteen: The Whole Worlds Laughing
A/N GOOD NEWS KIDDIES!!!

Seven: I'm A Menace To Society...And I Love It

1.4K 48 9
By Superjusticeleaguer

Oswald:

Six months later...

All the clamoring going across the room was making my head hurt.

You would think that after everything I've been through, my job as the new head honcho of Gotham would be easy.

But no!

I look away from the fireplace and fire off a bullet into the ceiling making everyone shut up so I can think for once.

"Gentlemen! Ladies! Others! Let us discuss the future with a little civility, shall we?" I sit at the big chair of the table and get down to business.

"So, none of you know who this woman is? I find that hard to believe. I mean, the cops' only lead is some pictures of her that keeps changing everyday!" I compose myself and take a deep calm breath.

"If no one can get a simple I.D. on her then who here can be trusted? Hm? I don't know what you all want from me? I gave you all freedom in the world and business boomed. Then a few months later this...this woman waltz in, taking my money, investments...even the lives of some of my people."

Stay calm Oswald...

Just stay calm...

"We had a good thing going, until that pigtails manic showed up and spoiled everything. Do either of you know where the money is now? Hm? Anyone?" I scan the room and everyone's was quiet.

"This city belongs to us. And in order for that to say that way, she needs to be taken out. I don't care how, just do it discreetly. Other than dealing with that pest, there will be no killing, no stealing. No blackmailing or kidnapping anyone. If you want to cross me and trust me I will find out, you will be a prime example along with the woman. Do I make myself clear?"

People nod and I dismiss them.

"You gotta stop stressing out boss. It's not good for you. Had a cousin once, he would stress about his bills, one day he keeled over and died. From stress." I pat Butches shoulder and look at my fireplace.

"I'll stop stressing when I have that woman's head as an ashtray on my desk..."

Quinnie:

"12,001...12,002...Mousy, did you see--oh! I got it." I pick up the next bill and count that too. "I think we can now get a water bed! Oh Mousy, I think Jerome would love that. What do you say?" I pick her up and kiss her scaled nose and squeal as I hold her to me.

I place her down and give her some food while I take the duffle bag of money and head down the hall.

I turn on my light and there were the pictures of all the people connected to Jimmy-oh.

I put a smiley face on Penguin's picture and put the duffle bag down with the others.

"Let's see, I can go out and do the creeper thing to Leslie Thompkins and Jimmy-oh, or go kill someone...oh! Why not both!" I clap my hands and go over to my wall of fun.

"Let's see, hmm, my ribbon. Duh!" I look at the machete that I picked up from my travels and also grab my red lip stick.

I walk over and pet Mousy.

"Don't wait up for me, and if anyone tries to come in, eat em'." She hisses and I smile as I walk out the back door.

I pull my left pigtail tight and shove my machete in my back holster.

"Let's see, they should be coming home in an hour..."

Detective Gordon:

It's been six months since Quinnie made that threat.

"James?"

"Oh, sorry. You were saying?" Leslie sighs but holds my hand across the table. "I asked how have you been doing? I feel like we barely see each other anymore."

"I'm fine." She gives me a look and I come out with it. "All right I'm not fine. I'm a little stressed."

"About? And don't say work, we both have the same work load."

"When did you become a shrink?" She purses her lips and I sigh. "Okay, it is work related--but also things at home."

"Barbra?" I nod and she rubs my knuckles with her thumb. "I know you still care about her, but she isn't safe to be around. But what about work?"

"Those cold cases? The Greenwald case? The two boys from the circus? I just have a hunch that Quinnie was apart of it somehow."

"You're the detective. Tell me how? Minus the threat she said to you six months ago."

I shrug because that's my only clue.

Not only that, but Quinnie seemed to just disappeared off of the face of the earth after that day.

I've been trying to track her down in my spare time but no luck.

"Jim, let us enjoy each other's company tonight. And maybe after this dinner you can enjoy dessert." She bites her lip and I smile.

"Why don't we just get two doggy bags and finish this at your place?" She shakes her head with a teasing smile.

"You have to earn it."

"Lee, you're breaking my heart here." I say with a chuckle. But we both finish our dinner and enjoy it.

When we get back to her place she kisses me in the hall and turns to unlock her door. I hold her hips and she giggles.

"You should put on that little black number." I whisper into her ear as she open the door.

"Mm, maybe I will." We walk inside and she grabs me by my tie and kisses my lips and slowly let's me go.

"I'll be back."

"I'll be waiting." As she walks towards the bathroom. I head to the bedroom.

I step into her room and freeze as I see a dark figure standing there.

I move quick and draw the gun from my ankle holster.

"Hand in the air!" I shout. The figure just stands there. "I said hands in the air!" Still the figure didn't move.

"Ahhhh!" I hear Leslie scream from the other room and my mind goes from the intruder to Leslie.

I run off towards her direction and find her in the hallway with her hand over her mouth. She points and I peek in.

Inside of the sink was a mannequin head. It had red lipstick on its face, but it looked like a smile was drawn on its face.

"It's just a mannequin."

She points up and I look at the mirror.

On it was written clearly in blood or red paint:

Let's not get a 'head' of ourselves, kids :)

I then run back to Leslie's room and turn the lights on expecting a mannequin body but no, it was a real person's body posted on a stand with the signature mannequin head its on neck.

I grab my phone and call for back up...

Harvey was the one asking me questions.

"...who would threaten you?"

"Harvey you know who." He sighs and pulls me over to the side. "Look, Jim. I know this is the Valeska kids crazy girlfriend written all over it, but no one has seen her in months. She's a ghost now and if she did do this there's no way anyone is going to catch her."

The medical examiner walks over to us then.

"You suspected right, the writing was indeed blood. The headless body is a woman, I'd say late twenties early thirties. I can't identify her at all, with out head or I.D."

"What about her fingerprints?" Harvey asks. "Her fingertips have been burned, I want to say before her head was cut. The lighter is still in the Jane's pocket, that's all I can go on for now."

"Thank you." He walks away and I sigh. "Harv, I feel like I'm going crazy here. Constantly looking over my shoulder, thinking some crazy blonde-"

"You mean besides Barbra?" Harvey jokes. I just roll my eyes and continue. "-is out to get me. But the moment I think things are fine, stuff like this happens. Last month Lee found bloody finger prints all over her windows. A month before that, I found a dead fish on my car. Quinnie is showing me that she can get to me but also that she's smart. But she'll slip up. I know she will."

All bad guys slip up...

After that crazy late night I come in the next morning trying to convince Leslie to take some sick time and go visit her family up north.

"I'm staying Jim. Last night was nothing but confirmation that I need to stay and help you. Now if you excuse me I need to get to work." She walks away from me. I know once she's made up her mind there's no stopping her.

When I get to my desk I see a small box wrapped in red paper.

"Where'd this come from?" I ask out loud. I look at the message and it has to:

To James,

From your secret admirer xo

I feel cautious about opening it.

What if it's a bomb?

What if it's a poisonous gas?

You've got this Jim. I look around to see if anyone was suspicious and open the box.

So far there wasn't an poisonous gas or a bomb, but instead there was a mini tape recorder and another note that said play me attached to it.

I press play and I hear three clicks, then I hear something drop.

"...Hello Jimbo. Missed me? I sure have missed you. How about you and I have some drinks on your break. It's still at 2:30 right? Sorry I know your schedule like the back of a machete handle. Hehe. Oh! Don't even think about bringing anyone with you, cause if you do, Leslie gets a special box and so does your little friend Bruce Wayne. And I don't know about you but I don't think a boy his age should see what I did to that woman's head. Such a pretty face she had. Too bad she reminded me of someone. Anyways, how about me meet at L'étoile filante. Oh one more thing, just so you don't try to bait me, the moment this message is over the tape will be erased. Buh-bye, Jimbo..."

Just like her word, when I tried to replay it, the message was erased.

"What's up?" Harvey asks me. "Nothing, uh do you know where L'étoile filante might be?"

•••
•••

I arrived at the french restaurant and look around as I walk inside.

"May I help you sir?" The host asks me.

"I, uh, looking for someone. Someone is expecting me."

"Are you...Jimbo Gordon?" The man reads off then looks at me.

"Yeah." I confirm sighing on the inside.

"Right this way sir." I then follow him and look around. We stop at a table and I see her smiling at me.

"Hello Jimbo."

"Hello Quinnie."

"Shall I get you two menus?"

"N-"

"Yes please, and can I get a bottle of champagne? Chilled. Jimbo, please sit down. We have so much to talk about." I take a seat and the host gives us two menus.

"I'll bring your bottle of champagne momentarily, miss." He walks away and Quinnie looks around.

"Nice right? I was going to come here with Jerome bu-"

"Get to the point here Quinn."

"You're a fast one. I like that. Now I invited you here today because I'm going to turn myself in. But I'm not done playing this game, I just require more players."

"You mean Jerome Valeska."

"Ah, you said it not me, Jimmy-dean. But Jerome is my king player. I need pawns. Mm, ever had this cold soup? What's the point of cold soup? I think I'll get this roasted duck."

"Quinnie did you kill that woman?"

"Which one? I've killed oh, seventeen. Including my own mother. You know I think that's why I'm so into Jerome."

"How did you-"

"Kill so many women? Pshh, you should hear the men I've killed. That reminds me, how's that ribbon killer case going?" Something in her eye seems to ignite. I also see a deep purple ribbon tied on her wrist.

I put the two together.

"You're her."

"And you're sharp. I admire that.."

A waiter came to us with our bottle of champagne but I ignore them.

"Ah, yes we will both have the roasted duck. With steamed vegetables and I believe that is all."

"Right away madam." He leaves and I go to stand.

"If you get up now you won't hear my full confession and I think you need that. Right?"

I grind my teeth but sit back down. She pops open the bottle and pours my glass first then sits it down.

"First what do you know about me, Gordon? I know you haven't sat at your desk eating donuts like the rest of them." She leans on her knuckles looking right into my eyes without blinking. "Your name is Quinnie Anya Rasputin. You were born at Gotham hospital. You're parents, your father was a soldier. Your mother use to be a librarian."

"I'm impressed to say the least. But here's what you don't hear in my history books. The name Rasputin, is one of the most feared names in Russia. My great great grandfather was a man with a great mind, but he was greedy. He was even the right hand of a royal King--Gordon have a drink or I won't finish."

I take a small drink and she nods then continues.

"Like I said he was the right hand of a royal King. Yet he hungered for more. So they say that he sold his soul to the devil, just to attain this. He caused a mass murder and even killed virgins because he claimed the devil told him that was his duty. That man I must say was a legend. You know his  way of killing the women he encountered was strangulation? I mean I get why..."

She untied the ribbon from her wrist and holds it up admiring it.

"Using a gun, is too quick. When you want to get that high, that taste. You want go slow, make it personal. I'll let you in on a secret, when you kill like that you get to see a persons true colors. Some of them bargain with you. Some tell you their dirty secrets. But they all beg for mercy. I am an angel of mercy. I kill them just so they no longer suffer-"

"You're not God, Quinnie."

"I know yet when I get to that high, I'm close to being him or her."

Hearing her speak makes the champagne in my stomach turn and I want to arrest her now.

"Quin-"

"The foods hear, oh boy!" The waiter places our food down in front of us and she grabs her fork and knife cutting into the roasted duck.

I wait for the waiter to leave before speaking. "You're under arrest, what-"

"Oh put the detective badge down and eat. It's so good. I wonder if they do doggy bags."

I try to stand but notice my body won't listen.

"Mm, I see my little concoction has kicked in. Don't worry you won't die. Your muscles are just paralyzed. You see I need you to stay here while I get busy at the police station." She takes another bite then moves the plate aside.

I try to move again but my body still won't respond.

"I know I look like a dumb blonde killing people. But don't let my pretty face fool you. Besides for a detective you didn't think about why everyone else's bottle top was gold while ours was red?"

I glance and see that she was right. Our bottles top was indeed red.

"Tsk, tsk, sloppy. Jimmy-oh." She then get on the table and crawls right to me.

She stops just as we're nose to nose.

She then leans close to my ear and I feel her cold breath across my face.

"Don't worry James, I'll be gentle with your friends. See you later.." She kisses my cheek and gets off of the table leaving a large amount of money and walking away...

Quinnie:

When I got home I go right to my bathroom and start to clean the makeup off of my face.

I reveal my tattoos, then I pull my dress off and toss it on the floor.

"Princess?" I walk back into my living room, letting my hair down and find Mousy watching the discovery channel.

"Awe my princess is so smart. Just like her mama. But guess what?" I pick her up and she flicks her tongue at me.

"Correct, I get to see papa today. But don't think I'm abandoning you. I would never do that. You're my baby and that would be wrong. When I come back, we'll be a big happy family again. You, me and Jerome." She curls her tail around my neck and I rub under her chin.

"I know you miss him too. I bet he's lonely in that stupid asylum. But no worries." I let her hang on me as I go back to the bathroom and clean the rest of the makeup off.

"Am I a hot mama or what?" I smile at my reflection and turn off my light then go to my room to find a good outfit.

Once I'm all dressed, I pack Mousy a bag and hear her hiss.

"I know, I know. You hate when I leave for a long time. But if you're a good girl then maybe I'll buy you a sister." She hisses and I nod. "Okay, okay, I'll buy you a boyfriend. But if he treats you wrong I'm cooking him. Now let's go to Aunt Cherry's place."

I take her leash and clasp it on her collar then we walk out of the locked apartment.

About twenty minutes later, Cherry opens her door.

"Quinnie? What's going on?"

"I need you to watch Mousy for me. I'm heading out of town for a few days and I just don't want to have anyone but you watch her." Cherry looks down and back up.

"Quinnie I love you bu-" I hand her wad of cash and her eyes go wide.

"Here. Half of that is for you and the other half is for her. I'll give you more when I get back."

"Where did you get this kind of money?"

"Inheritance. Now I'll be back. Remember, Mousy's bed time is at nine o'clock sharp. She hates the cold so make sure you turn her blanket on at five and give her vegetables, she takes her iron pills, also if she gives you any lip put her in a time out. Now you be good for Aunt Cherry okay?" Mousy hisses and I pick her up and kiss her little head.

"I'll call you okay?" I kiss Cherry's cheek and hand her Mousy.

I wipe a tear away as I walk away from my little baby.

"I'll be back...."

•••
•••

I arrive in front of Gotham police station and look at my watch.

"Awe Jimmy-bean should be here any moment. Well let's get on with the show." I pull on my gas mask and walk inside.

I stand there and no one pays me any mind.

Wells that's about to change.

I take my baseball bat and hit a coffee pot.

"Ladies and gentleman! I want to assure you, that you're all insane!" I laugh and see one of the lady cops come up to me. I leap onto a desk and hit more thing sending paper work, phones and other miscellaneous item at the people.

The people in the cell all cheer for me as I leap from desk to desk knocking down more things.

About ten cops were trying to grab for me but I keep going until on of them grabs my leg.

"Uh-oh!" I say with a giggle.

"Get off you crazy dame."

"Do you kiss your mother with that filthy mouth?" I kick him in the jaw and he falls.

A lady cop grabs for me but I pounce on top of her pressing my bat against her windpipe.

"I'm so happy we can share this moment together." Someone snatches me off causing my gas mask to fall and I see its James Gordon.

"Jimmy! Nice that you decided to join the party! This crowd was getting a little rowdy."

He starts to read me my rights and I see the cop I had kicked in the jaw. He glares at me and I wink at him.

"Put that crazy bitch in a cell."

I was put in a cell and handcuffed.

"You're going to Arkham Asylum. I hope you're happy."

I nod and sit there quietly...

Detective Gordon:

"That's her?" Harvey asks as he walks past looking in the cell.

"Yeah."

"She's what? 120 pounds wet? How in the hell is she the ribbon killer?"

"Trust me, Harv the things that woman told me, doesn't matter what size she is. She did it. Now I have to do paper work. Plus get her evaluated at Arkham."

"Good, maybe the looney bin is where she belongs." I look back over at Quinnie and see she's just sitting there quietly. Like she just didn't cause a scene at the station.

"Maybe you're right...." She looks right in my direction and gives me the same sinister smile that Jerome gave me when he admitted he killed his mother.

"But I'll make sure those two are never in the same room together..."

Because if those two are in a room together, then I'm afraid the whole world will be destroyed...




A/N

Hey guys! So a few of you guys said you liked this book and I'm so happy! Though do you guys have any suggestions? What do you think about Quinnie? I personally she's kind of creepy smart plus where is the head?! Don't forget to comment below and vote thanks guys 😈

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