Sami was still confused and scared to look for a potential spouse as his friend had advised. He really wanted to. He regarded himself as ready for a marriage when it came to his character. But he knew he couldn't provide his wife with anything yet. He didn't even have his own flat where he could move to when he left university. These thoughts made him start growing impatient.
How much easier would it be if his wife came to him and told him she wouldn't mind living anywhere with him? Or if her mahram came to him and said that his good character was enough for her. But people never got what they wanted.
There was also his issue of stuttering when he got nervous which he felt would prevent him from finding a spouse for himself. It wasn't only limited to talking to his family. Rather, he felt the stuttering whenever he spoke to girls too. Especially practising girls. Though he regarded that a blessing as he felt he was physically incapable of falling into haraam.(1)
On the weekend, while Sami was putting on his football boots, he got a phone call telling him that the plan was cancelled and there wouldn't be their weekly match this week. Sami was surprised to find himself furious.
He had the day planned. After Asr they were going to play a match and then he was going to come home exhausted and fall asleep straight after Isha.(2)
But now he had to stay in his dorm room all day, bored out of his mind with nothing planned. And he knew the threats this boredom would bring. One single negative thought would lead to a thousand depressing thoughts leaving him feeling annoyed, angry and lonely.
After changing out of his football kit and putting on a simple T-shirt and comfy jogging bottoms, Sami sat on his bed with his laptop open in front of him. What to do? He thought, counting his options.
He could revise but he really wasn't in the mood. He could read some news, but news was usually depressing and he didn't need any more negativity. He thought about watching a movie and decided he wasn't in the mood for that either. He decided to watch an Islamic lecture to lift his spirits, because if he didn't do anything, he was going to find himself punching something. Or someone. Maybe his roommate.
Sami was careful with who he listened to, making sure they were qualified enough to preach what they preached. On his Shaykh's advice, he listened to some scholars who weren't famous or known well as their talks were more academic rather than emotional, which was used to reach out to people by the more popular scholars. Sami liked to have a balance between listening to emotional and academic scholars and he always had a thirst for new information.
Soon, Sami was listening to debates and mentally taking notes between the arguments. From his own knowledge and opinions, he found that both had valid arguments but he was leaning more to one side.
This kept him occupied until Asr. But the battles which erupted in him as soon as he entered his room after returning from the masjid had Sami wanting to beat something up.
He hated the feeling. He hated the silence. He hated the heavy feeling in his chest when he thought about how everyone he knew had a loving family. Everyone had someone to fall back on, someone behind them supporting them and pushing them towards success. Most of his fellow classmates looked forward to going home during holidays whereas Sami dreaded it. He only went 'home' when the breaks were too long for his liking.
So what was he to do? He hated being alone and he hated the panicked feeling he got around his family. He still hadn't saved up enough money for a flat for two people so he could at least begin the search for a wife. Everything was so expensive!
Sami sat on his bed, sighing. He wanted to give up. He wanted to stop feeling this way. But he couldn't stop feeling. He knew there were people in much worse situations than him. People whose loved ones had passed away or people who grew up in care homes, never knowing their families or people who were abused as children. In comparison, Sami was blessed.
But these thoughts had stopped affecting Sami. They didn't make him feel better or more grateful. Rather they made him feel worse for being ungrateful on top of all the feelings of loneliness.
"I hate this!" Sami said, rubbing his face in frustration. He looked ahead at the wall in front of him.
He couldn't confide in his parents or his sister, nor did he wish to. His best friend was busy with his marriage. He hadn't spoken to his other best friend on over a year since he started straying from Islam and got involved in drug dealing and such. He definitely couldn't talk to any of his other friends, no matter how understanding they were. They all thought he was an easy going guy who smiled a lot. Not only was he not close enough to confide in them, but he didn't want to ruin that image he'd unintentionally created. He didn't want to phone his Shaykh because he respected him and didn't want to look like a fool.
If only Uncle Ahsan was still around. Sami chided himself for thinking 'if only' when what had happened was what Allah had ordained. There was goodness in it, even if Sami was blind to it. Instead, Sami thought about what Uncle Ahsan's advice would have been to him. He remembered Uncle Ahsan saying that when a person is upset, they shouldn't stay alone.
"The irony," Sami scoffed. He wasn't meant to be alone today. He was meant to be out, playing football. All his plans had been ruined and now Sami didn't want to do anything but sulk. It was because he was alone that he was upset!
After a lot of sighing and building frustration, Sami fell to his knees in front of his Lord, unable to take any more of the pain.
"Ya Allah!" He prayed, raising his hands. "I am your servant and you are my Lord. Please forgive me for being ungrateful and for feeling like this despite all the blessings you have granted me with. I pray to you, my Master, help me through this. Help me save enough money for a flat and aid me in finding a suitable spouse who will love me. But most of all, help me to remain patient and give me peace and contentment during the trying time that it will take. Help me strengthen my iman(3) and find peace and contentment in worshipping you. Forgive me and help me, for I am in dire need of your help." Sami blinked back tears as he finished his du'a(4) saying, "Ameen."
Sami decided to indulge in some dhikr(5) to pass the time, and the depressing feeling eased a little. But the discomfort stayed with him for the rest of the day until he fell asleep.
***
Radia had gotten over the conversation with her parents. She was too stressed about her exams to be stressed over anything else. But then she got a reminder of her situation as being unable to marry because her parents thought she was too young.
It was the first time Radia had ever gotten a proposal and she was extremely flattered. She was also pleasantly surprised. She always thought that her proposals were going to be from the parents of a potential who would contact her parents.
Though Radia never fully expressed this to anyone, the reason she thought this way was because of her acne. A rather silly reason seeing that a lot of girls had acne. But Radia's was slightly different and a little more severe. Rather than small red pimples, Radia had small cysts which were very apparent. Radia tried her best not to let this cystic acne get her too down. Sometimes, she thought no one would want to marry her because of it but then she reminded herself that not all the men in the world were jerks.
And this was proof. Someone had proposed to her instead of her friends who had clear, or almost clear skin. It was a flawless skinned friend of hers who told her a classmate's friend had taken an interest in her.
Radia's immediate thoughts went to her parents. They clearly showed that they didn't plan on agreeing to Radia getting married any time soon. She'd managed to get them to allow her to work instead of going to university but the tension from the last conversation about marriage hadn't completely cooled off. There was no way Radia was going to be approaching that subject again. Not for a good while.
But this didn't mean Radia wasn't annoyed. When she found out that someone was interested in her, she thought about how that could have been her husband if her parents weren't so convinced she wasn't ready for marriage. She didn't know the guy yet but what if he was good? They'd be wasting a good proposal for no valid reason. At least, it wasn't valid to Radia.
Radia knew nothing could happen between her and this man but her curiosity led her to ask questions and get to know more about who it was that was interested in her. Questions were asked both ways and Radia had a name but still no face to match it with. But that was soon going to change.
"Oh my gosh, it's him. He's here!" A friend said and Radia turned towards her.
"Who? What?" She asked, blinking. She realised she had been staring too intently at the computer screen.
"Karim is here in the computer room!" Radia's friend whispered.
"Oh! Where?" Radia looked around, excited to see this guy for the first time.
"Okay, don't make it obvious but he's still at the entrance, looking around. He's wearing that blue jumper." Radia squinted towards the entrance. "I said don't make it obvious!"
"That's him?" Radia asked, feeling a little disappointed. She'd seen the guy around and never thought much of him. In her head, Karim looked like Indiana Jones, who she secretly found weirdly attractive. But this wasn't someone Radia found attractive at all. She also didn't like his friends and his loud behaviour when he was around them. This wasn't who she'd imagined!
All of a sudden, they made eye contact and he began to walk towards them. Radia quickly turned back to her screen, hoping Karim wouldn't come her way.
"Hi," Karim said, standing a few feet away from her. Radia glanced sideways and saw Karim looking at her. That probably meant he was talking to her and she should reply.
"Asalamu'alaykum," She said.
"Oh, yeah, Wa'alaykumusalaam," Karim replied awkwardly. "Uh, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"When can we talk to your parents?" Karim asked and Radia froze.
"My parents? What for?"
"You know. To make things progress," Karim said, as if it was so obvious. Had Radia given off the impression that she was interested? How? Other than the few questions she'd asked. But that didn't mean she was ready to get to the level of involving parents! This was the first time she was even talking to him!
"I'm afraid I can't. My parents think I'm too young to marry and they won't agree to me getting married any time soon," Radia said with honesty, grateful for the first time that her parents held that view.
"Can't you convince them?"
"No. I can't convince them to find me a potential spouse as they keep saying I'm too young. How do you think they'll react if I ask them to get to know someone even I barely know?" Radia hoped Karim wouldn't be too insistent.
"Oh, okay. This isn't a polite way to reject me, is it?" Karim asked and Radia shook her head.
"My parents really don't want me to marry yet," Radia repeated.
"Is it possible if... If we could stay in contact until they agree?" Radia's eyes widened at the suggestion.
"Certainly not. I don't keep in contact with any males. It's not good in Islam. And I don't want to do anything behind my parents' backs," Radia said with finality. "But keep looking, in'sha'Allah you'll find a good spouse for yourself," Radia added, so that he would get the message.
"Okay then," Karim said. He stood around awkwardly before saying, "I've got to take off. See you around." Radia gave a nod of her head and Karim left.
"So no Karim and Radia?" Radia's friend asked and Radia shook her head.
"Not unless my future husband also happens to have that name," Radia replied.
That night, Radia was getting ready for bed and she noticed her sister waiting for her. She knew Sadia was waiting because she was unusually quiet. Once Radia had finished her routine and climbed into bed, Sadia decided to sit on Radia's feet.
"Get off me! That hurt, you whale! How much do you weigh?" Radia asked, rubbing her feet.
"I'm not even fat. Now tell me, any updates on Karim?" Sadia seemed more interested in the whole Karim episode than Radia herself.
"Yes, I met him today," Radia said.
"How did he look? Like Leonardo DiCaprio?"
"No, he didn't look so much like a kid. He was tall, skinny, fair, brown eyes, dark hair, small stubble and that's all I can remember."
"You had a good look! He sounds handsome!" Sadia said, excitedly.
"Sounds it. But he wasn't," Radia sighed. "I've seen the guy around. He acts like an animal and I don't like him. Besides, I told him mum and dad don't want me to marry soon," Radia told Sadia.
"Darn, thought he might be the one," Sadia said and Radia shook her head.
"I don't think the one is coming for a while yet. Now get to bed, we have to get up early tomorrow." Radia shoved Sadia off her bed before rolling over to her right side to sleep.
When Radia found out about Karim, she knew that he wasn't going to be her husband as very few people married their first proposals, she had a little hope that he might have been her future husband. She wondered where her real future husband was, what he was thinking and feeling. She imagined he was probably having fun being single, maybe that's why she couldn't marry yet. Maybe he wasn't ready. Or maybe her parents were right and she wasn't ready either.
But Radia was determined to make herself ready and to prove to her parents that she was capable of being a good wife. She wasn't sure how she was going to do it, but she was going to convince them with her actions that she was a mature and responsible adult. Then, her husband would come and whisk her away and they'd live a much less stressful life together.
(1) Haraam – Means 'forbidden'
(2) Isha – Fifth and last of the five daily prayers.
(3) Iman – Means 'faith'
(4) Du'a – Prayer/Calling to God.
(5) Dhikr – Remembrance of Allah.