C O N N O R
I'm pacing my bedroom floor. All of my family is down stairs waiting for me to come down and eat my dinner. But I can't, my legs won't carry me and my hands won't open the door. Now that I've spoken, I feel like I'm lying to them by not telling them. Is that lying? I don't think it is. I just can't bring myself to tell them. I mean, what if my voice suddenly goes away, and they get disappointed again? Or what if they think by me speaking, my hearing will come back too? I can't give them that false hope. Telling them would be lying too, lying to them by giving them hope that isn't there. I won't do it.
My door suddenly swings open and my dad appears. Giving me a worried glance, he gestures for me to leave the room. I clench my jaw and walk ahead of him, scared that I might slip up and say something. I love the feeling of being able to speak again. I've always been too afraid, but for some reason this time I wasn't. I don't know if it was Troye or the Fourth of July atmosphere, but It doesn't really matter. It felt like all this time my throat has been closed and I couldn't breathe. And now I feel relieved, like I've just taken a big drink of water. When I walk into the kitchen everyone looks up and smiles, all plates untouched. They literally waited 10 minutes to start eating because I wasn't down yet.
'Are you okay?' My mom signs and I nod, not giving her a chance to carry on the conversation. I plop down in my usual chair and start to eat, only looking up when my sister jumps up from the table and heads toward the front of the house. A few seconds later she returns and signs for me to go to the door. Who would be asking for me at 6 p.m. on a Sunday? I open the door to find a very shy looking Troye Sivan. I give him a curious glance and step out onto the patio, closing the door behind me.
'Hey.' He mouths, I smile and nod. After a few awkward seconds of silence he noticeably sighs and pulls out his phone.
T- wanna go for a walk?
I giggle when I read his message and nod, taking a second to text my mom before she calls the SWAT on me. He turns on his heels and starts to walk away and I take this advantage to look him up and down. His hairs curly, and resting on his forehead perfectly. He's wearing a long black coat with a maroon shirt just see able over the top of the buttoned up winter attire. Though it confuses me slightly, considering it's the middle of July. Adding on to that he's wearing black jeans and platform converse. I smile before running to catch up with his retreating form. I text him.
C- what you wanna talk about?
It seems odd that he came to my house only to go for a walk. There's obviously something weighing on his mind.
T- I want you to talk. Like in person.
I stop walking abruptly. It's one thing over the phone but to talk in person is a whole other story. And the way he put it, like it's something easily done. Well, I guess it is. But not for me! He slowly looks at me, his big blue eyes shining in fear and anticipation. I try to must up a glare but I can only stare in admiration. He looks so innocent and nervous. Why does he want me to speak so bad? I break my gaze from his and look to the floor. I suddenly feel unworthy of this god's presence. I feel his trembling fingers wrap around mine and my head snaps up. He's standing way to close for comfort.
'Please?' He mouths and suddenly all protests I had before are gone, my fear and anxiety raised. I squeeze my eyes shut and take a half step forward, our faces inches from each other. I feel like this way, it's more secretive and just for him. Opening my mouth slightly, I think about what I'm going to say. I can say something witty, and make this moment a funny one. But I feel this is too intimate for that. Slowly a stream of words form in my head.
"I-I'm scared." Is all I say. I feel his hand find my face.
And then I'm not scared any more. Why should I be? I'm standing chest to chest with Troye in the middle of a dark street on a Sunday night. Hands intertwined, a warm sensation tingling in my cheek where his other hand is gently resting. I open my eyes slowly, looking up at his gorgeous face, admiring his birthmark.
'Why are you scared?' He mouths slowly. I have half a mind to tell him that I'm not anymore, but that'd be a lie. Because I know somewhere in me I still am. This moment is just suppressing it. So instead of saying anything, I let go of his hand and hug him tightly. I hide my now tear streaked face in the crook of his warm neck and sob. What's this boy doing to me?
"I wanna hear you. I-I wanna know what the sound of rain falling sounds like, and the sound of new music." I pull back, my hands resting on his biceps. "I wanna be normal." I'm sobbing unattractively and Troye is looking at me pained. He rests his forehead on mine and I can feel his breathe span across my face. This comforts me. I whimper unintentionally and watch as Troye smiles slightly.
'I'm scared too.' He says, his eyes on mine.
"Why?" I speak, enjoying the feeling. His eyes widen comically and he lurches back a bit.
'I didn't mean to say that.' He mouths, fear written across his features. I give him a confused look and he swallows harshly. Ending all contact, he pulls out his phone again.
T- we should head back. Sorry for keeping you out.
I just nod and we walk back slowly, hands brushing against each other every once in a while. I suddenly have a strong urge to just touch him. To have some kind of contact with him. He's quite addicting if I'm honest. Once we reach my gate he smiles at the ground, not meeting my gaze.
"Goodnight Troye." I say quietly. His smile grows and he finally looks at me, my heart fluttering at the sight of his eyes. He's so precious. Pulling me into a hug, he lets me snuggle into him. I don't want to let go. The nagging feeling that he's upset about something makes me sad, so I try and squeeze the pain out of him. It isn't working. I feel his lips brush my ear and I cling to him harder, whimpering again. He doesn't seem to notice. Instead, he kisses it, his full lips sending tingles threw my entire body. Now that I've felt his lips, I'm going to always want them on me. He pulls back though, smiling at me shyly. Reluctantly he walks away, towards his house up the street. And I smile though tears threaten to spill. Now that my distraction is gone, I'm bombarded with feelings again.
I want him. And not in a friendship way. I mean hold my hand, kiss me, be mine want him. If we didn't have school tomorrow I would have invited him in, although that wouldn't of been too smart. It's clear Troye only sees me as a friend, and even though he gives off that 'I-don't-care-about-stereotypes vibe', he might not even be gay. I should ask, although that might make things a bit awkward.
I debate texting him and asking what was bothering him, or why he cut our visit short, but I think that might sound a bit clingy. So instead, I go upstairs and get ready for bed. I really regret not eating all of my dinner, because now my stomach is growling and sharp pains shoot threw me making me wince. I look up just in time to see my phone screen light up.
T- you are normal Connor.
I smile goofily at the screen, surprised he even heard my previous words correctly through all the crying.
C- thanks Troye. Are you okay? You seemed...upset when you left.
I hesitantly press send, my fingers trembling. When I don't get a reply for a good five minutes I put my phone down. Returning to my shower to see if the water heated up. Right as I'm about to step in, I see a new message. I stay still, with one leg raised over the tub, and my hand on the wall. I look over my shoulder at the lit up screen even though I can't see the words and think. Should I just get in the shower first, or hurry and check my phone? I check my phone.
T- it's nothing.
I frown, but it only lasts a few seconds before another message comes in, making up for it.
T- does your lunch offer still stand?
C- the seats yours if you'd like it.
I answer cheekily. I turn my screen off then step in the steamy water. I still can't stop thinking about what's bugging him. What if it's me? Oh stop, not everything's about you Connor. Ignoring the little voice inside my head, I go over every possible thing I could have done. Nothing in particular stands out, which only scares me. What if I did something and never apologize because I don't know I did it? And he just waits and waits and eventually gives up, leaves me behind, and marries some rich sugar daddy and becomes famous for his good looks and better judgement?
I really should stop thinking.
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A/N
Hey, fancy seeing you here. Did you enjoy the Tronnor fluff? Sorry for being a horrible person and not giving you longer updates. I'm going to Updaters Anonymous so don't worry bout it.
I don't think I've ever said this, but please vote, and comment. I'd love the feedback. Thanks to any of you how already have. I just like to know I'm not just writing random crap that no one likes lol.