My boy,
you will never
be unloved by me
you are too
well tangled in
my soul.
I tossed and turned in my bed, I couldn't seem to fall asleep, my mind was constantly thinking about the most recent events. I never expected to finally open up to someone, I never allowed anyone to discover the most hidden side of me but feeling comfort was something that calmed me, after cigarettes, obviously.
After talking about it with John, I felt like the burden was lifted off my shoulders, I felt more accepted for who I truly was. He stayed to hug me until I calmed down completely and with such affection, he wiped away my tears, just like my mother did when I was little.
After her death I was left alone to dry them myself and it caused an immense void in my chest. I constantly tried to hide myself from the eyes of others, over time I learned to become another person and pretend to be strong.
I changed my hair color, hid my real name, joined the Special Forces to distract my mind from the past and have an extra motivation to continue on living: saving others.
My mind kept filling up with thoughts, my eyes wouldn't close, so I decided to get up. I took a swimsuit from the closet and changed into it, then covered myself with a loose-fitting t-shirt. It was around three in the morning, everyone was sleeping so I wouldn't meet anyone on the way down.
I made sure I had everything I needed, towel, cigarettes, keys and phone. Then, carefully, I left the villa without making any noise. Even though it was the middle of autumn, the temperatures still hadn't dropped too much and like an idiot I was about to take a bath in the sea.
The sand beneath my feet sank, I approached one of the loungers and placed my things on it. I remembered that I still had a wound healing, I couldn't take a bath in the sea so I instead, I would only get my body wet up to my thighs.
Before leaving, I lit a cigarette and took off my shirt, then I slowly reached the shore. I breathed in the fresh air, the gentle breeze threw my short hair to the back, the nicotine was easing my nerves.
With all the events, missions, constant deployments, I no longer ate. I didn't even notice that I had lost weight, Joyce kept on letting me know but only now did I notice it. I bit my lip and took a drag from the cigarette, listening to the burn of the paper.
"You should be sleeping." My body shivered, not from the cold but from hearing his deep voice behind me. Turning my head to the side, I rested my chin on my shoulder and looked at him.
It was all dark, there was only the moonlight above us, that reflected on his hazel eyes. He was always wearing that damn balaclava, then he had a black t-shirt and sweatpants on, grey because he was such a bastard.
"You too." I mumbled in response, my eyebrows furrowing before I moved my gaze back on the sea ahead of me. Without saying anything I dipped my feet inside the cold water, my body shivering.
I wanted to stay away from him, I was tired of his games, the sensations he made me feel and the confusion he left me with immediately afterwards. I felt the water reach my thighs and my lower abdomen, before I stopped and raised my head to look at the moon.
The sound of splashing water grabbed my attention, he had just undressed and immersed himself in the water with me, I felt his presence behind me and I had no intention of turning around.
I finished my cigarette and threw it far away, not caring much, even it was wrong. Suddenly, I felt him press his body on my back, a small gasp escaping me. His warmth heated my body, his hands rested on my waist gently, careful to not touch the bandages and my wounded area. He placed his chin on top of my head, slightly bending because of the height difference.
We stayed silent for the whole time, no one dared to speak a word or do anything, we just watched the moon and stars together. It was strange, we never shared such a delicate and innocent moment, we almost never spoke outside of work, and now we were standing there, with our bodies pressed together, looking at the starry sky.
"The moon is beautiful tonight." My whisper came out quiet, weak, almost incomprehensible, but he understood it. A low humm rumbled from his chest and he lowered his face, burying it in the crook of my neck. A few shivers ran all over my body, instinctively, I tilted my head to the side to let him have more access.
His breathing was steady, deep and slow, inhaling my sweet scent. I noticed that he did it often, that he liked doing it and smelling me. I noticed how his tense body relaxed, how his eyes closed every time he did it. He bent more, the cold metal of his dog tags brushed against my back, making me shiver from the sensation.
"Mhm.." He just hummed, one hand moved along my body and his fingers caressed my cleavage delicately, leaving a burning trail on my sensitive skin. Then, I turned around and raised my head to look at him.
He wasn't wearing anything, not even his mask. He was completely naked in front of me, I didn't dare lower my gaze as I suddenly felt shy. This was always the effect he had on me. He looked into my eyes, his look was different tonight; less tense than usual, his irises sparkled in the moonlight and I almost melted in his arms.
Only at that moment did I realize how it wasn't simply a physical attraction for me. In him, I saw myself, I don't know exactly what – his eyes screamed that he understood me, he understood my loneliness, my pain, my suffering, the demons in my head, everything.
He moved a hand into my hair, he caressed my platinum locks, let them slide through his fingers slowly. I wanted to know what he was thinking at that moment, I wanted to know what was going through his head, he was just as mysterious as me. But now I didn't want to hide anything more.
His hand rested on my cheek and tilted my face, enough so that he could look at it all carefully. He didn't want to miss even the slightest detail. I melted even more, his delicacy was calming me, I felt my body surrender to him. Slowly, he closed the distance between our faces and claimed my lips gently, his lips parting slightly to give start to a slow kiss.
Instinctively my eyes closed, I wrapped my arm around his neck and pressed myself closer to him, being careful not to hurt myself from the wound. In response, he hummed lowly into the kiss and his hands traveled down my rear to give it a firm squeeze, before moving up to the small of my back while one held my nape, bringing my face closer to his.
It seemed as if the world around us had disappeared, it was just the two of us, in the water, kissing like we had never done before. My head was going crazy, I couldn't tell if it was one of his needy moments or a simple moment of sweetness he had never shown me.
After a few seconds I pulled away, even though I had no intention of doing so. I could still taste him on my lips, his hands held me close to him as if he never wanted to let me go. "Why are you doing this to me?" My voice came out like a weak whisper, I was too scared to know the truth.
He looked at me for a few seconds, he didn't seem to know how to answer me, in fact he hesitated. Then finally his lips parted, "You make me feel things I didn't know they even existed." He responded with the same tone, as if he didn't want to break the delicate and relaxing moment between us.
"You confuse me, Meridia. Your body is what my body craves everyday, your lips are what tempt me the most. You're just.." He didn't finish his sentence, I still felt confused.
"I have no idea of what's going on." He added, heaving out a sigh before pressing his forehead against mine. "John told me about the truth about you an–"
"You pity me, yeah?" I pushed him away abruptly and he looked taken aback, "No, that's not it." He shook his head and pulled me back against him, "I just.. see myself in you. My inner child feels comforted around you." He looked slightly embarrassed by his own words while my heart was racing a marathon.
"Forget it, we shouldn't be doing this." He was so quick to brush me off but I immediately grabbed his arm and tiptoed to reach his height, "It's okay, I get it." My eyes searched for his desperately, he was finally opening up and I didn't want to push him away, not anymore.
"It's okay.. Simon." I cupped his cheeks gently, my fingers were trembling, "You have no idea of what you do to me, Meridia." He whispered before crashing his lips on mine.
Butterflies exploded in my stomach, unexpectedly, my lips curled into a smile as I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around his neck.
This man had such effects on me that even I couldn't comprehend.