I would like to thank everyone who has read, commented and liked fallen for reaching 30k reads! I always read every comment and feel grateful for each of them and every like on any chapter. I honestly cannot believe so many people have read, enjoyed or even tried to read fallen for it to have reached 30k so I can only say thank you thank you thank you. I would love to show my gratitude with a new chapter but life's been nothing but messy lately so I cannot give you that. However, I will give you a small glimpse of the little I've written. This is a letter from Rowan to his sees-it-all friend regarding his current situation with the love of his life.
To you,
I write to you as I no longer can keep all these afflicting thoughts and unbearable emotions to myself. I fear I will go crazy if there is not at least one record of what I am experiencing. But I cannot voice what is gnawing at me, I am afraid to speak, to unexplainably accurse it. Ridiculous, I know, but it is my truth. So what I cannot say, I write. To you.
Perhaps I find myself with a free tongue whenever I'm around you because I believe you already know what I'm to say, and the future that awaits me. There is a certain liberty in the knowledge that my pain is written in stone as path I have to walk on and that my aching unfolding will perhaps not be eternal. All of this means that you will have to bear with all my sorrows and complaints. What a good friend.
I will try for my letter to be short, but I cannot promise it. I have been told to be a silent male in person, but my words on paper are never few.
She is enraged. Furious. Raging. And all that fume is directed towards me. Her anger could have manifested in shouted words and curses, but instead it has pierced me with silence and abandonment.
She is not by my side anymore. Our tent is empty even as I sleep there, I can no longer feel the heat of her body resting next to mine, or hear the rhythm of her breathing. Her hand in mine is bygone, and in my deepest sleeps, I still reach for her. All that welcomes me are the shadows of solitude and the echoes of regret. I should be used to it by now, even the Gods know I have lived most of my life in worse states, but I find myself in new depths that I never imagined to reach.
What I feel is more than just a simple longing; my blood craves for her, my heart is pining to feel the rhythm of her core, and my soul is aching to reach for hers.
It's agonising, all these emotions, for I can feel her slipping away, I can feel the distance growing, and I'm terrified that it will reach such an uncrossable width that I won't be able to ever stand next to her again. My desires are simple, I would even dare say they are quite plain for some.
All I wish for is to keep talking with her, I want to be in her mind as much as she is in mine, I want her to desire me as much as I desire her, I long for her to regret my absence as much as I miss her, I am desperate for her to reach in search for me in the middle of the night only to find that I am not there, just like I do for her.
I want her to find herself standing where I am, I want her to wish for the simple things in life that I do, I want I want I want I want too much. My heart is too greedy, and yet I would settle for whatever it is she would give me. Regardless, my hands are tied with her silence. I have so many regrets and so many words I wish I could say, but my fears have made a knot of my voice and I am no longer capable of speaking. If she were to be mine I would be elated with freedom, but she is not. I am nothing but a mess. A pathetic one, at that.
My nights are haunted with thoughts of what ifs; what if I had acted differently, what if I had listened to her, what if I had explained to her that those scars were sacrifices that I had never wished for her to have to do. Because she deserves everything the world has to offer and more, and she shouldn't have to sacrilege her own body to fight in a war that is not of her world.
Pointless, I believe. Myself and my musings. I must have bored you close to death with this letter, so I will be merciful and end it here. But be sure to know that you will hear from me soon, for I have too many thoughts and no courage to voice them.
With my head hung, your friend.
Once again, thank you for reading. Thank you for everything, this fic will never be abandoned because of every single one of you. Thank you!