TRIGGER WARNING: Gun Violence, Young Adult Violence, and School Shooting Violence Ahead for the next few chapters!
ALANIS
Four days have passed.
I haven't been able to keep anything besides soup or toast down. I cry at night and refuse to shower. I think my hair looks like a bird's nest and the dark circles that surround my eyes have taken permanent residency.
It doesn't matter how much Levi and I bickered, or the fact he annoyed the shit out of me, I even sometimes wish he would go away... this is never what I wanted. He was my brother and I loved him. I had always been jealous of Levi for my whole life, but I never expected to have a life without him in it.
After Tessie's words shocked me to my core I crumpled into the ground, taking everything with me. Mom was the first to find me on the floor after knocking over a cooling rack she sat out on the counter. It was haphazardly now tossed on the ground while I was slumped with my back to the cabinets, clutching the phone and shaking. I couldn't even tell her, because I didn't know what to say.
Heaven and Poppy were close behind and they could see from the look of me that something big had just happened, and it wasn't going to be good news. Mom's initial thought was about dad of course and she too was frozen in time. Poppy had to end up taking the phone from me to try and figure out what was happening and what caused the dramatic shift in my world.
Eleven students. Eleven were shot, but only three died. One of them was Levi. A bullet had hit through his chest cavity and he bled out quickly at the hospital. At least that's what they said on the news.
It was everywhere and you couldn't escape it.
A mass shooting at a college campus.
Who would do such a thing? It was horrendous to hear and they played it nonstop on a loop. Discussing the shooter, the victims, the entire lead up to the event. Apparently being an outcast is now an excuse for wanting to take daddy's shotgun to school along with some hand guns and raining bullets down on others who never paid you mind. That was the news mentioned about the event.
That's what they called it even, an event.
The news tried not to glorify the killer, but there were some people who already had turned it into a stunt or a joke. Some believed the entire thing to be staged or a conspiracy. How is killing innocent people in any form like this able to be disregarded by some? Meanwhile, I can't remember how to shower or get out of bed. Mom hasn't talked to me or anyone since that night. I haven't seen her leave her room.
Dad came home. I don't know who called him, or when. But he was here and taking care of us both, putting his own broken heart off to the side to try and mend his family and create some sort of solidarity between the three remaining members.
Poppy and Heaven were taking turns checking on me and taking care of Domino as well. They decided to talk to Heather and Walter for me, breaking the news that I won't be able to work this week and apparently Heather paid me regardless. I still saw the crumpled bills sitting on my nightstand where Poppy laid them last night.
Tomorrow Levi's body will be here and there is going to be a funeral. I already saw that someone had picked out a black dress for me, velvet with a cinched waist, flared skirt, and long sleeves. The neckline was barely scalloped to not show off very much and overall it was more on the classy side. It was not something I would normally have owned. Someone specifically bought it and hung it up there, knowing I wouldn't have anything. My money is on Heaven because of the look.
I try to bring myself to shimmy out of bed, but my body tells me no. My legs felt like jell-o and my head was about to burst open. I think the dehydration mixed with all liquids leaving my body in the form of tears and vomit from the bathroom floor made me a mess of a person.
I wanted to just down some alcohol and make my life disappear right now, but that wasn't in the cards obviously. I needed to either get up and shower or try to eat something because right now I was a waste of space it seemed.
I swing my legs over the side of the bed and try to steady myself, bracing for the headrush that will come with finally getting out of bed and being a person again. I use each of my hands to hold me steady, and one collides with something small and soft on my bed, my eyes catch a small stuffy, gray.
It was Heaven's little elephant she had the night of the sleepover...
The night I found out.
The night everything changed.
She probably left it because she thought I needed something to cuddle, but right now it was a reminder. I picked it up to chuck across the room but instead of hearing it thud lightly against a wall or something I hear a brisk and curt "what the fuck" from a groggy voice.
My brain instantly went straight to assuming it was Harry, despite the fact that the voice, accent, and demeanor didn't actually match. Instead when my eyes met with the sterling blue ones across from me I was still relieved to find a familiar face. "Oh. Hi Niall." I croak out, not realizing how hoarse my own voice was going to be.
Niall uses the heel of his hand to rub his temple and yawns before stretching out both legs in his sweatpants and tank top combo, "hey kiddo. You're awake. Poppy had to go to work for some training, and Heather had a shift, but so far no one had left you alone. So I took up the shift. We didn't expect you to be up and all that. You need something?" He started rushing to my side at the end of his sentence, checking water, tissues, and a tylenol bottle.
Honestly, I hadn't noticed all these things next to me, their constant refilling despite usage, and the fact that someone was staying here with me nonstop. But, now that I think back on it, I feel like every so often I remember seeing someone sitting in the chair in the corner of my room napping with a blanket wrapped around them. I guess I didn't notice how much I was ignoring by mentally checking out the past few days.
I reach for the cup and Niall mimics my moves, holding it steady for me and holding it at the base while I drink, in case my motor skills decide to give up or whatever he thought was going to happen. Quickly he set the cup down and opened the bottle of tylenol, asking me to hold out my hand to put two pills in and then picking up the water cup again. "Take those, then let's get some food in you. You're starting to look like a paper doll from Kat's old play stuff."
I go to roll my eyes but my head is throbbing so much I instead just groan audibly and divert my attention to the bathroom door, "I need to shower first. Is it weird if I like... ask you to wait till I'm done and then we eat and stuff? I know that's weird but I kinda' feel a little off... and like..." I felt stupid asking but if I fell or passed out from lack of food and water I didn't honestly think mom or dad would hear me.
It was probably too stupid or weird to ask. I don't even know why I did it.
"Sure." Niall instantly perks up and doesn't skip a beat. He acts like it was the more normal thing, like I asked him to run to the gas station to grab me a sprite or something.
"You jump in, don't do it too hot though, the steam might make you all loopy and stuffs," he taps the side of my head while holding a hand out to help me up and walk me into the bathroom. "I'll even get your shit ready, it's like I would do for Kat so it's not weird and shit. Uhm, I'll set it on the toilet lid and then I'll go ask your mom if she is hungry. I can make sandwiches or like... mac and cheese... grilled cheese? Anything sound good to you?" I shook my head and he scratched at his bleachy blonde hair. It was flat today, not normal for him but he was just sleeping in a chair quite uncomfortably.
I start to shuffle into the bathroom but feel Niall not far behind, a hand lightly resting on the small of my back guiding me. He was so brotherly right now that it started to open back up the floodworks. Something I would now have as a missing part for the rest of my life... a brother.
When I date someone they will ask me if I have siblings and what do I say... do I trauma dump and say I did but they died? Do I say no and wait till later when they find out? What happens when I want to get married, have kids, all that. Levi won't be able to share in those memories with me anymore. He was supposed to be there, giving a speech at my wedding talking to my new husband saying how I was a brat growing up but it is my new husband's problem to deal with now, and everyone would laugh. He would have been my children's uncle, their godparent, and the one to spoil them. Levi wasn't supposed to be gone... this was all wrong.
I clasped my hands around my face and the hot tears started to rush down my face while my nose felt raw from the earlier sniffles.
Niall bumps into the counter getting around me, not caring about the small space of the bathroom and instead placing his body directly in front of my own and holding onto both my arms, he bent his knees to come perfect eye level with me and talk to me, which I could only see through the hazy vision of tears and between cracks of fingers. "Shit. What did I do or say? I am so sorry. I'm not good with this type of shit. I was bad at it during Poppy's stuff too though. She would never cry about it, but you're like... only crying. Damn, I can't get this right. I am so sorry, do you want me to run you a bath, or water? Or leave? I can try to call your dad on the car phone?"
I dropped my hands and my breathing was so compromised that it hurt in my chest, my body heaving, eyes burning, and I tried to shake away his words. "Where..." I started getting hiccups from the tears, how embarrassing honestly, "where is my... where's my dad?" I was gasping at the words and they came out strangled.
Niall rubbed his hands up and down my arms trying to get me a little warmer it seemed, not that I could tell if I was chilly or not. "He said he had to go out and prepare for things... for tomorrow."
I knew what he meant and his somber tone gave all the details away. I didn't ask any more questions. Niall stayed like this for a few more minutes, comforting me, making sure I was okay, until finally he moved on. He started the shower for me, testing the water every few seconds with the back of his hands to make sure the temperature was okay before telling me it was time.
He pulled open the small door of the linen closet and grabbed two towels out, "I don't know if you use one for your body and one for your hair or not, but Poppy does that so I assume all girls do. Here, before the steam takes over the room, sit down." Niall puts both towels on the bathroom sink counter and points on the toilet lid to tell me where to go.
I was confused but I listened. I sat down and Niall moved his body behind my own, I heard him shuffling around for only a few seconds until his hand warms my shoulder. We sat here for the next few minutes listening to the water run, letting the room slightly heat and steam up, as Niall combed through and detangled the mess on top of my head. Once he finally got it somewhat manageable he sat the brush down on the counter and told me it was time to shower.
I obliged his words and waited for him to leave the room. I stripped myself and let the clothes pool around me on the floor, not even bothering to throw them in the hamper. I see my reflection in the mirror, pale, a little too skinny with hip bones jutting out, ribs making an appearance to where you can begin counting them. I had small marks under my breasts where my bra had been on me, you could see the line the band was digging into my skin, I rubbed at the area to get it back to its normal pale tone like the rest of me.
My eyes were darkened, hollow, and empty looking. I could see the way my own brain was telling my body I looked bad but my body didn't care, it wasn't going to magical fix itself. I instead smooth a hand over the hair that Niall just fixed for me and instead ready myself for my shower.
I let the water splash at my feet while I scrubbed and scrubbed. My skin gets raw and red from the pressure of the loofah lathered with sweet pea and gardenia body scrub. The memories won't go away though, no matter how hard I push them down and scour my body. Turns out showers and hair brushes don't fix life problems after all.
I add a little extra conditioner to my hair, hoping that it will appease the hair gods for the amount of neglect I had shown my locks lately.
I can hear Niall singing some sort of an Irish tune and clanking pans around in the kitchen. It felt so comforting and I understood exactly how much I appreciated him at this moment. He was perfect to be Poppy's counterpart because she was a scary black cat and he was a golden retriever puppy. I didn't feel like crying for the first time in days. It was like Niall's comfort was washing over me better than the actual shower.
I finish up my shower and pull back the curtain to find the clothes he laid out. He must have quickly done it right after I got in, before going to start making a mess in the kitchen. If mom was lucid enough she would be having a fit right now as he trapezed her perfectly put together palace of pots and pans to probably create some burnt monstrosity he will no doubt be proud of.
One towel ends up wrapped around my hair while the other pats my skin dry until I can slide on some clothes. I would normally have felt really weird that one of the first boys to ever see my underwear was Niall, but he just probably grabbed something at the top of the drawer. Niall is the least of my concerns when I think about boys and my undergarments...
I haven't seen Harry in days and I hadn't even noticed... until now. It hit me harder than a wipeout and I pouted while remembering the curly haired boy with shining green eyes that used to hold such a big permanent spot in my brain. Only right now it was clouded over, but I wish Harry was the thing on my mind, distracting me.
I slid on the simple jersey shorts and baggy shirt that Niall had brought in here, he forgot a bra but that was okay. I started to migrate to the kitchen, still with a headache but at least my body was refreshed and renewed now. I see my parent's bedroom door mostly closed but cracked open on the other side of the house. I wish my ears were broken because that would have saved me some extra heartache, unfortunately that would have been too much good luck. I could hear the giggling and knew exactly what it was, because Levi's laugh was so prominent.
Mom was in her own room, hiding from the world, rewatching family videos on a loop. Her own way of coping with the loss of a child I guess.
Niall barely noticed me padding my way across the floor towards him, I hoist myself up onto the counter and wobbly seat myself to watch him do his thing. Niall was in the process of making scrambled eggs, spaghetti (I think), some weird veggie platter thing with a stupid amount of ranch, mac & cheese, and a pb&j. "I think you forgot to make some of the stuff from the pantry, there might be a box of rice-a-roni in there you skipped over." I grabbed a banana and started to peel it while teasing him, but he looked more scrambled than the eggs as his blue eyes and flushed face looked to me with pure stress pouring out of him.
"Neither of you will tell me what you want so I made options. I panicked I guess." Niall started putting together a shmorgishborg onto a tray and delivering it to my mom while I eyeballed his... creations. The kid is a gem.
After a while, Poppy finally relieves Niall, and I think he was eternally grateful because Domino kept trying to convince him to play fetch outside. I had finally made the move to the couch, now basking in a pile of blankets and pillows while watching movies (nothing sad per Niall orders).