Maya~
"Is she still moving around a lot?" Emily asks me.
"Yeah."
She nods, looking back at the screen in front of her. She holds the probe over one spot on my stomach.
"What?" I ask.
She shakes her head, "The probe might be glitching. I'm going to grab another one. Sit tight."
She leaves the room after turning the machine off. "Should I be worried?" Christian asks me.
"I don't know."
He holds my hand as I try my best not to think of the worst possible scenario. She comes back with a new probe and an ultrasound tech.
I look up at Christian. He'll know from my expression. He squeezes my hand. She doesn't bother turning our monitor on and turns her screen away from us.
"What is it?" I ask quietly.
Emily looks at me, "We'll talk after."
I shake my head, "No, what is it?"
"Um- How many times did you feel movement today?"
"15, probably. I've been up since 6:30."
She nods, "Okay."
She turns the screen back on, "Her cord is wrapped around her neck. It isn't tight or locked so there's a good chance that she'll unwrap herself. It's nothing you did. They get so cramped that most of the time it's inevitable. We'll monitor it from here on out at appointments. I'm not worried it was a pure shock to see though."
I nod. "I've delivered hundreds of healthy babies that have their cord wrapped around their neck more than once. Chances are that she unwraps herself and you both will be fine."
"Okay."
"Let's schedule a date for 36 weeks, so 3 weeks out. If you need any type of reassurance or scan and I'm at the hospital, we'll do it. It doesn't have to be a huge time commitment like an actual appointment."
She wipes the gel off of my stomach, "Sorry for alarming you guys. I wasn't sure if what I was seeing was right."
"It's fine."
"Just continue to count movements even more than before."
"I will."
Christian helps me off of the table, "I need to pee before we leave."
"Okay."
We stop by the bathroom on our way out. I take my bag from Christian, "Are you going to work?"
"I should but I don't want to."
We walk out to his car. He opens the door for me, "Why don't we go home?"
"Okay."
I know I should not think too much about this. I know I am in good hands. I know Emily wouldn't lie to me. I just wish it wouldn't have happened.
I start to feel her kick again. I needed that. I love being pregnant. I would do it again in a heartbeat. But I can't wait to not feel the stress of being pregnant.
When we get home, I call Bridget and Sydney to keep them in the loop. Neither asks any questions that I'm not willing to answer. They both know I don't look forward to work each day.
Her kicks made me stop in my tracks as I headed for the couch. She's fine. She's going to be fine.
I hold my phone up to my ear as I input details into a chart, "How are you feeling?" Christian asks me.
"I'm really tired."
"Don't wait up for me tonight. We're dealing with rain right now and we have to play at some point."
"I don't have work tomorrow. But I probably won't stay up."
"Get some rest."
I hit the enter button a few times to move on to my next chart, "Are you busy?"
"Not really. I've been charting for a couple of hours. I don't have the energy to deal with people today."
"That's okay. I'd rather you take it easy."
"I know. She keeps pushing herself further down and giving me false contractions. So that's been fun. But she's moving so I'm not too mad about it."
"A lot of movement?"
"Yeah, plenty. I think I want to make another appointment to see if anything has changed. It just keeps me up too long at night."
"Do it. We could always use some reassurance."
"I agree."
"When is Bridget's last day?"
"Next week. She thinks I'm crazy but I'd rather be here if you're gone."
"I know."
"I can't wait until you're home."
"I know. Hopefully, we can play and get out of here quickly. I wasn't trying to get back at midnight. I'll let you go. We're going to start getting warmed up again. Hopefully, the rain holds off."
"Okay. Have fun. I'll see you later. I love you."
"I love you too. Take it easy and get some rest."
"I will."
Christian keeps his hand on my rock-hard stomach as I experience yet another Braxton-hick contraction. They started when I was in the shower and continued after I got out.
"Can you get me clothes?"
These contractions don't last long but they hurt enough. This is my fourth one since getting in the shower 30 minutes ago.
"Are you sure this isn't labor?"
"Yes."
"Maya."
"Yes, I'm sure. She's too early. I'm not having her today when she still has five weeks left."
"I don't think you get to choose that."
I let myself rest. "What if we went in, got you checked out, and made sure everything was okay? Maybe your water broke while you were in the shower."
"I think I would know if my water broke. But, yes, we can go, just to be safe."
He helps me get into the pair of sweatpants he picked out. I roll the band and keep it under my belly. "Christian, I'm not mentally ready to have her just yet."
"Were you ever going to be ready?"
"Probably not. She's too little right now."
"I know but you freaking out right now isn't going to help you or her right now."
He's right. I can't freak out right now. It won't help anybody. I'm probably not in labor but for my sanity, I need to get checked out.
Christian held his hand on my hip as I lay on my side facing him. I was right, I wasn't in labor. But she keeps pushing herself further down which triggers false contractions. They don't hurt, they're just uncomfortable.
I think I slept for a few minutes. "Can we go?"
"Yeah, we can."
We also found out that her umbilical cord is no longer wrapped around her neck. I could never get an appointment scheduled to get checked so we had them check today.
I sit up and wait for him to get my shoes. He helps me step down from the bed. I have to start taking it even easier. So I'm sure he's going to convince me to start my maternity leave early.
When we get to the car, he dips his head into the car, kissing me. He pulls on the seat belt, handing it to me.
"What are you hungry for?" he asks after turning the car on.
"I don't know."
"I mean, we have food at home but I can stop somewhere."
"You pick."
"Maya, no. What's going on?"
"You're going to try to convince me to start my maternity leave early and you're probably right but I am so scared of going into labor alone that I would rather work. She's going to put me into labor if she keeps constantly doing this. So I don't know what to do."
He leans over the console and hugs me, "I do think you should go on maternity leave. Right now? No. But in a few weeks, yeah. You're also not going to be alone when our moms come into town."
"I just want her to stay where she is. She's perfectly fine where she is."
"She's safe with you, I know. But I'm going to be selfish and tell you that I want to meet our daughter. If today was that day, I wouldn't have been upset."
"I know, I'm just scared."
"Of what?"
"I don't know, everything."
"Why are you scared?" Abby asks me over the phone. I haven't talked to her in forever. But after yesterday, Christian and I felt it was best if I did talk to her.
I step into our daughter's nursery, "I don't know. I don't want to lose her which is an awful thought when she's perfectly healthy and so am I."
"I don't think it's unreasonable. You've been through a child loss before so it's not unreasonable that you're scared to lose your daughter."
"I feel like I'm going backward. Like I did all of that mental work a few years ago just to feel like this right now. What else?"
"Labor terrifies me for myself but I'm going to have to get over it. As much as I want her to stay where she is, I know that's not a possibility. The idea of having ten people around me while I give birth doesn't really make it very appealing."
"How many times have you delivered a baby?"
"Probably 10-15."
"Did those moms have 10-15 people around her?"
"No, because it was the ER. But up in L&D, they're stocked with staff. I just feel like it's going to stress me out especially because I'll know a lot of them."
"That's another reasonable concern. Maya, what you're telling me is that your fears are reasonable and I bet most new mothers also feel the same way. I don't think you're alone."
"It feels like it when I'm alone for ten days at a time. It's something that can't be helped either. I can't pick his schedule and he can't take off for more than three days after I have her. Now I just feel like I'm complaining."
"I'm all ears."
I shrug, kicking out the footrest of the nursery chair. She speaks up since I didn't have anything else to add, "I think and know you're experiencing a lot of different emotions. Your concerns are not unreasonable. I too would be a bit scared. But you're doing such an amazing thing at protecting, loving, and learning to be a new mom. Your daughter has such great people as parents. I have no doubts that she will ever be unloved."
"That means a lot."
"From getting to know you personally and then getting to know Christian, I think your daughter is so lucky to have you both as her parents. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?"
"Have I told you that I might quit the ER?"
"Oh? No, I haven't heard that. Why?"
"It's becoming too much. I've always been sensitive to cases involving children or children and drunk driving. We had a case a couple of months ago where the child didn't make it after being hit. I was a wreck. The job is draining me more than I think it is. If I want to be present as much as I can with my daughter, I think it's best I leave."
"Maya, do you know how proud I am of you? The ER was your entire lifeline a few years ago. Leaving because of your family is such a huge growth for you. You have to do what's best for your family. Are you thinking of moving departments?"
"That was the plan but I'm not so sure anymore. It's just drained me- the entire healthcare system that is. Maybe it's my own fault for working so much but I don't have the drive for it like I once did. I've seen so many bad things that I want nothing to do with it anymore."
"Are you still working?"
"For now. I'm going to decide while I'm on leave if I want to go back, switch departments, or leave for good. I have to do what's best for my family. I think staying will deteriorate my mental health even more than it already has."
"That's very wise, Maya. I'm proud of you."
"Thank you."
"Of course. I'm always willing to talk or listen if you need to complain to somebody other than Christian."
I nod, "I know. Thank you."
I pull my phone away from my ear and set it aside. I watch her press her feet into my skin. I can't wait to see the arms, hands, legs, and feet that keep me up at night. Although, I'm terrified right now. I don't think anything will be more rewarding than feeling her on my skin, holding her tight, and watching Christian bond with her.
Christian meets me in the kitchen. I sit at one of the barstools, "How was it?"
"Fine."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I shake my head. He nods, "Okay."
He brings me a plate filled with food. "Thank you."
He kisses me, "You're welcome."
"I put in for maternity leave. That starts next week," I tell Christian as I walk to my OB appointment.
"Good. Is this just a check-up that I'm missing?"
"Yeah." I check in with the receptionist and get called back within the first five minutes.
When Emily comes back she smiles, "Where's Christian?"
I show her my phone, "Out of town."
"Well, this should be quick. It's routine at this point. I'm going to check to see if you're dilated at all if you're okay with that."
"Yeah."
I flip the camera around so Christian can see the monitor. She moves the gel around, "She's pretty cozy in there. Everything feeling okay?"
"Yeah. I haven't felt any more Braxton hicks since we were in the ER a week ago."
"Good."
She continues to move the probe around, "Well, her cord is still in a good spot where it isn't wrapped. It seems like she has moved down a little bit."
I watch Christian watch the screen. This will probably be one of our last looks at her before she's here. "Did you guys ever do the 4D scan?"
"I think we forgot."
"We schedule an appointment if you want for when he gets back."
I look at Christian as he nods, "I'll do that."
"She's positioned in a good spot for it so that's why I brought it up."
"Okay."
She checks to see if I'm dilated. "I don't know if you'll be happy to hear this but you're not dilated at all. But she is further down so I wouldn't be surprised if she came a bit early. When does he get back?"
"In a few days. He's supposed to be gone on my due date but if she comes a bit early, I don't think either one of us will complain."
"I would feel comfortable inducing you if you got to 39 weeks if that's something you both want so he has more time with her before he has to leave."
"We'll talk about it."
"Yeah, just let me know."