CW// Homophobic remarks, Mention of sexual harassment
Prologue:
Kinuha ko ’yong marker at napaangat ang tingin sa babae na nasa harap ko ngayon, I smiled that made everyone gasped and shout. Pinalabas agad nila ang kanilang mga camera at tinutok agad ’yon sa akin.
“Tangina! May nginitian siyang babae! Namasa agad puday ko! Ako next!” may sumigaw.
I just shrugged my shoulders of what I heard. Mabilis sumenyas ang manager ko na nasa gilid para i-giya ang babae na parang ayaw na bumaba pagkatapos kong pirmahan ang poster na hawak niya. Nung natapos ’yong fan signing ay mabilis agad naglinis ang mga staff sa stage dahil may performance pa kami na sayaw. I heard everyone cheered that made me giggle for a bit.
“I can do this all day. . .” I lip synced, pinalabas ko ang dila ko bago ako humataw ng swabe.
Exhausting yet fun. ’Yan ang nararamdamam ko ngayon. I posted a long thank you message on my socials after that fan signing event, halos pagka-uwi ko sa bahay ay parang nahihirapan ako huminga dahil sa pagod at gutom na nararamdaman ko. May binigay ang mga fans na mga pagkain kanina pero halos lahat na ’yon ay hindi ko hilig at hindi na rin ako naka kain ng maayos sa lunch kanina. I can feel that everyone’s eyes was locked unto me and perhaps they will might know my secret that i’ve kept for years to have this reputation.
Kinuha ko ’yong isang noodles na niluto siguro ni ate bago siya umalis. Mabilis ko inopen ang laptop ko at sinimulan ang mga pending activities ko na hindi ko pa nagalaw simula nung preparation sa event. I massage my forehead immediately, halos wala akong naintindihan doon kaya napilitan akong ibalik lahat na mga lessons.
“Oh, himala maaga ka ngayon?” pinagsadahan agad ako ng tingin ni ate habang hawak-hawak niya si Nathalie. I then rolled my eyes.
“Mamaya na ako magbihis. . .” usal ko ng mahina lalo na ngayon na naka costume pa ako at naka sombrero. I’m cosplaying scaramouche today and not gonna lie. . . his character is the most challenging one that I cosplayed so far.
I saw Nathalie squinted her eyes, I immediately chuckled and hugged her. Mabilis niyang inalis ang mga kamay ko kaya napatawa agad ako dahil ramdam ko mga reklamo niya sa mukha pa lang.
“You’re not my tita Ruby!” she pouted.
I smirked, “Si Tito Roan mo ’to. . . not Ruby.” mabilis agad ako tinapunan ng masamang tingin ni ate kaya napatawa agad ako ng malakas. I shrugged my head getting energized again, sila nalang talaga ang pag-asa ko dito. . . When I lost and started having doubts with myself Ate Rowena hold my hands tightly with me and assure me that I will overcome this someday.
I never regret having her in my life, in fact I was grateful. Siya lang ’yong tanggap ako sa kung ano ang mga ginagawa ko. She was there when I needed someone.
Unlike mom. . .
Kita ko ang mariin na titig ni Mommy habang hawak niya ang mga avengers na notebook na binili ko kanina. I always thought that having those notebooks are cool since half of my classmates have those things too. Pero mabilis agad pinunit ni Mommy ang mga notebook na ’yon. . . I don’t know what to react knowing that I saved probably just some pennies to them just to buy those notebooks.
“Babae ka Ruby!” hinawakan niya ng mahigpit mga kamay ko kaya mariin akong napapikit dahil naramdaman ko ang sakit. “H’wag mong sabihin gagayahin mo ’yong isang kaibigan mo d’yan sa kanto na tomboy na Allysa na ’yon! ’Yan na nga sabi ko kaya ayaw na ayaw kitang lumabas!”
Umiling agad ako habang tumutulo ’yong luha ko. Allysa? I heard that she’s just into boyish stuff. . .
Napaangat ang tingin ko at mabilis pinigilan si Mommy nung hinalungkat niya ang drawer ko at pinalabas doon ang mga damit na niregalo ni Allysa sa akin. Mabilis ako umiling at napahagulhol nung kumuha siya ng gunting at pinutol ’yon pirapiraso sa harap ko. I was left dumbfounded. Those shirts that Allysa gave me was from her favourite band.
“You don’t wear this kind of shirts, Ruby! Ang susuotin mo dapat ay dresses! This is for boys! Not for girls!”
I was grounded for one month that one summer. I’m no longer allowed to talk with Allysa that time kaya mag isa lang ako sa bahay habang naka tingin sa kawalan. I never blamed my mom why she acted that way. . . they wanted a son but they just got disappointed when they knew that i’m a girl. Hindi na sila sumubok ulit because they don’t want another disappointment.
“What’s this? Baseball for girls?”
Napayuko agad ako nung taliwas sa reaksyon niya ngayon ang nasa isip ko kung sakaling ibibigay ko ang form ng baseball na gusto kong salihan. Dad is a varsity player in baseball back when he was young. . . but he looks insulted right now while he’s reading the form. I thought he was going to be happy.
“H’wag kang sumali dito. . .” mariin akong tinignan ni Daddy, “Ang payat mo at babaeng babae ang katawan mo. You’ll going to make fun of our name out there.”
Napalunok ako ng wala sa oras. I immediately nod and agreed about his remarks about me. I was grade eight that time when I started to involved my self on workouts and gyms. I was desperate to have that body that I thought I wanted. . .
Pero mas lalo lang ako nanghina nung naramdaman ang paglapat ng kamay ni Mommy sa pisngi ko. I saw how she gritted her teeth, umiyak si ate sa gilid habang pinigilan si Mommy sa susunod niyang gagawin.
“You cut your hair short! You go to gym always! And you’re flirting with the congressman’s daughter! What’s wrong with you, Ruby!” sigaw ni Mommy.
I bit my lowerlips. I cut my hair short because I thought it’s long enough, I go to the gym so that i’m going to achieve that body that my dad wants for me, and. . . I wanted to have friends too, Diana — the congressman’s daughter remind me so much with Allysa. . . akala ko papayag na si Mommy na makikipag kaibigan ako sakanya dahil nga gaya ng sabi niya ay kakaibiganin ko ’yong mga ka level lang namin. She got mad instead.
She shouted in anger that she grounded me for a month again.
I lost hope that time. Isang buwan ay parang nababaliw ako kakaisip kung ano ba ang meron sa akin. I kept praying the heavens to at least take my life right then, dahil hinding hindi ko kaya ang mamuhay na gano’n na napapalibutan ng galit at poot. But despite how unfair life to me. . . I remained soft to myself. Despite those rage and anger. . . I remained soft to everyone.
Dresses. Act as a girl. Be soft. That was the words I always heard from my mom, ginawa ko lahat because the last thing I wanted to see is me as a disappointment.
“Ang ganda ganda ng mga anak mo, Lucia!” Mom’s friends laughed so hard and even praised me. I got uncomfortable a bit, umusog ako papalayo pero hinawakan niya ang kamay ko para makipag-picture kaya wala akong magawa kundi ngumiti.
I can sense that ate is uncomfortable too. Kinuha niya ang kamay ko para bumulong. “Tignan mo ’yong potanginang matanda na ’yon. . . ang lagkit ng tingin sa atin. Konti nalang talaga aalis na tayo sa lugar na ’to.”
Ngumiwi ako nung narinig ko ang mura ni ate. Hinding hindi kami pwedeng lumabas dito kasi party ito na ginawa ni Mommy. Tahimik lang kami sa gilid kaya nung nag cr si ate ay para akong hihimatayin doon, I was left there alone that’s why someone accompany me — one of my mom’s business partner. Antagal bumalik ni ate kaya tumagal pa ang pakikipag kausap niya sa akin hanggang sa parang naging personal na ’yon.
“May boyfriend kaba?” umiling agad ako.
Nakita ko ang pagbaba niya sa inumin niya at ang atensyon niya ay nasa akin. Linibot ko ang mga mata ko sa paligid at kita ko roon si Daddy at si Mommy na may kausap pa habang hindi ko naman mahagilap si ate.
“Kailang ka mag eighteen?” he asked me again.
I trembled in fear when his hands went to the back of my chair. Parang inakbayan ako nito kaya matagal pa bago ako nakapag salita ulit dahil naunahan ako ng takot.
“I’m still f-fourteen po. . .” hinawakan ko ng maigi ang dalawang kamay ko na nanginginig na ngayon and I bet he saw how scared I am right now.
I heard him chuckling, he’s not convinced with my response. “You’re lying. . . you’re turning eighteen next year. . .” he smirked.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Magsasalita na sana ako na si ate ang ibig sabihin niya but my tears immediately escaped when I felt his hands on my waist and made a circling motion. Naestatwa ako sa position ko, he chuckled immediately when he saw my tears.
“You’re such a crybaby. . . I guess fourteen suits for you. . .” he chuckled before he went to the another table.
Pinigilan ko ang hikbi ko at mabilis tumayo habang nanginginig papunta sa cr. Nakita ko roon si ate na may kausap na lalaki pero bigla agad niya akong pinuntahan nung nakita niya itsura ko. Hindi ako nakapag salita ng maayos kaya kailangan niya muna akong pakalmahin.
“Ano si mudra na naman!” usal niya.
Umiling agad ako habang pilit na pigilan ang mga hikbi ko. I stared at my ate weakly while she’s looking at me in a teary eyes.
“Ano ba kasi ang nangyari! Naiiyak na ako oh!” inis niyang usal habang pinunasan niya ang mga luha ko na tulo nang tulo. She even warned me that she’ll create a mess on the party if I will not going to tell what’s the problem. Nung nakalma na ako ay hinay hinay akong nagsalita. . .
“’Yong lalaki. . . ’yong business partner ni Mommy. . . ’y-yong naka blue. . .” I said in a low voice. Parang hindi na maka-hintay si ate at napahilamos siya sa kanyang mukha kaya kinalma ko muna sarili ko bago mag salita ulit. “H-hinawakan niya ako d-dito. . .” tinuro ko kung saan niya ako hinawakan. “N-natakot ako. . .”
Kita ko ang pagtulo ng luha niya at mabilis niya ako hinagkan. “I will going to tell this to Mom and Dad! Wala akong pakialam kung gaano ka importante siya sa kompanya!”
Umiling agad ako, “Ate. . . baka mapagalitan ka. . .”
“Pagalitan?! Binastos ka, Ruby!”
But words are not enough. Kita ko ang mariin na titig ni Mommy at Daddy. Dahil sa ginawa ni ate na pagsampal sa lalaki ay naging dahilan ’yon sa galit nila. My lips trembled — wanted to talk but Mommy just keep glaring at me to stop whatever i’m going to say.
“Hindi kita pinalaki ng ganto Rowena! Why did you slap Mr. Alarzon!” Mommy shouted.
“She harassed Ruby!” sigaw pabalik ni ate.
Napapikit ako nung sinampal niya si ate, “Hindi ko alam kung saan mo nakuha ang pag sagot sagot mo sa akin! And harassed?! Bakit? Paano kaba na harassed, Ruby?” Mom gaze immediately went to me.
Nanginginig ako habang nakayuko, “H-he touched my w-waist. . .”
“Iyan lang pala! That's normal!” sigaw ni Mommy while Daddy are just quiet on her side glaring at ate — maybe he’s angry because he might lost a valuable asset on the company. “Nung nasa amerika ako ay ganyan na ganyan mga manners nila! Mr. Alarzon was born in America!”
I felt unheard. Lagi kong tinatak sa sarili ko na ’yong paghawak niya ay wala lang ’yon. . . that mom was right it’s just normal. Pero may mga gabi na pilit ko tanggalin ’yon sa utak pero parang hinahabol ako, I tried asking for help but I don’t know kung saan ako manghihingi ng tulong. After that incident, madalas ko lang nakasalamuha si ate, even at school and I heard that she got a boyfriend.
Kaya nung dumating ang summer ay laking tuwa akong nakayakap kay Reina nung napag-isipan niyang magbakasyon sa bahay namin. Mom and Dad are so fond of her that they jotted down on the wall how happy they are that Reina visited us. I can’t helped but wish that I hope Reina is always here so that my parents will be always happy. . .
“H’wag kang mag aalala, Ruby. Dito ako mag aaral sa college, gusto ko kayong makasama e. . .” she smirked and kissed me on the cheeks.
’Yon ang pinaghawakan ko. I counted the days, ang alam ko ay nasa senior high pa si Reina ngayon. May two years pa kami. That’s why I always checked my calendar to count how many days because I wanted to see my parents happy again.
I was that desperate not until I saw my mom’s rage again after I haven’t seen for a while.
“What the fuck, Rowena?! You’re pregnant?!” napahilamos si Mommy sa kanyang kamay.
Hinawakan ko si ate para mapigilan si Mommy sa kanyang gagawin. I was waiting for Reina to come. . . uuwi na siya next week dito at ang plano ko ay ’saka ko na sabihin nila Mommy pero ito ang nasagap na balita niya. Mom is angry that she called my Dad to tell this news to him. Halos galit din si Daddy at nasa harap niya kami ngayon habang si ate ay hindi tumigil sa kakaiyak.
“You two will going to Cagayan De Oro! Ang sakit sakit niyo sa ulo!” Sigaw ni Daddy.
My lips trembled, “P-pero si Reina uuwi. . .”
I heard him sighed, “Mas mabuti nga ’yon na siya ang papalit sa inyo! I heard that she’s graduating with honors! Tapos kayo wala man lang ika bat-bat!”
Each of their words cut each pieces of my heart. We look so helpless out there, I looked so helpless. . . but I can’t blame them.
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will continue this soon after second installment