This feels like it's been the longest day of my life. Like the clock moves slower whenever I'm not with her.
I left Mkhulu and Alex awhile ago, leaving them to reminisce without having to explain everything to me.
Mkhulu needed this. I didn't want to be the one to keep him from his happiness. Alex told me that I could get fresh air on the terrace.
I step into the open space terrace with ceramic floors and a small glass table. It's a little crowded with tall vases that grow green plants. It's on the third floor of the house, the rail is white, intricately designed with patterns. I'm leaning on it, looking out at the sun that's promising to set.
I can see the slow movement of the clouds across the blue sky but only if I look closely. But none of these things matter.
None of them matter, if I'm not with her...
I've tried with everything in me, all day to keep her off my mind but everything reminded me of her.
Everything.
She's in my every thought and I wonder if she's thinking about me.
It's one thing to give up on her but it's another thing to forget.
I can't forget her. I never will. She'll forever be the unforgettable name written in my heart.
But it's over and I have to remind myself of that. I have to push this knowledge straight to my heart and that's what I've been doing all day long.
I don't want to think of her...
All of who she is, a wonderful soul with a simple beauty that leaves me in awe every single time.
I don't want to think of her eyes, that always meet mine like it's the only thing she'd spend her life gazing at.
Her smile that I'd do anything just to see, even look like a fool.
Those freckles that I've wished to trace with my fingers once she got comfortable with my touch.
I don't want to think about the words we shared with each other that felt very sacred at that moment. I don't want to think about the kiss...
I don't want to think about her.
Before my thoughts can get more overwhelming, my phone in my pocket pings with a text. Pulling out my phone, I see it's a message from Dominique.
Dominique
I've got something to handle today so I won't be able to talk but we'll definitely discuss this whole Olivia thing tomorrow. I'll have a talk with Wyatt too.
Me
Don't worry about Olivia. I'm done with that. Everything is fine.
Dominique
What do you mean???
Me
I'll explain later, just do what you need to do today. I'm fine.
I turn off my phone before Dominique can interrogate me any further on the topic. I used to be in a hurry for these thirty six days to be over so that Olivia would finally be mine but now...
Now I'm in a hurry for it to end. For the days to pass by and for the year to end so that I can put Olivia behind me.
So that it won't be a struggle suppressing my heart from all these feelings because she'll finally be gone.
It's clear that she's pushing me away because she made her decision. Olivia made her decision before the end of the thirty six days and I have made mine as well.
I give up.
I'm so lost in my head that it takes me a while to hear the sound of soft sobbing. It's faint at first but it slowly gets louder.
I don't think the person knows that I'm here. I look around the terrace but see nothing except for the really tall blue vases with the green plants.
Maybe I should leave.
It wouldn't be great for whoever is crying to realize that they are not alone.
As I walk out the terrace with determination in my steps, an unsettling feeling stirs in my heart.
I can't leave this person crying.
I'm turning right back around making my way into the terrace. I walk along the big terrace looking behind the vases for whoever it is that's crying.
Finally, I spot a figure behind one of the vases, at the back corner of the terrace.
She's got her head on her knees,her afro out in a high puff and her body shakes with soft sobs. I'm hesitant at first but end up walking closer to her.
"H-hello. Are you ok?"
Of course she's not ok.
The girl freezes, she looks close to my age from this angle. Her cries cease for a moment but she doesn't lift her head from her knees. Instead she seems to shrink even more into her frame.
"Go away."she speaks into her knees, and it's muffled but also familiar.
"Is there anyone I can call for you? MamBina or Alex?"
"No." She vigorously shakes her head but doesn't lift it up.
"Then I'm not leaving."
"Visitor's shouldn't involve themselves in personal matters when they arrive so get out."
Harsh.
"You're right, but would it really be humane of me to leave the terrace knowing that you're crying here all alone."
"It's showing respect."
"No it's not."
She groans frustrated and for some reason I laugh but I quickly stop myself.
A silence settles over us, tense.
She's not crying anymore but her silence irks me even more. I walk towards her and sit right next to her but not too close. This makes her tense even more.
I sit a bit more away from her so she can be comfortable. " Why are you staying?"
Her question makes me question myself as well. I could leave her to herself even now but I can't. I just can't leave her even though I know that's what she wants right now.
"...No one should be in pain alone."
She says nothing, until. " You don't realize who I am, don't you?"
Her question confuses me.
"Do I -" before I can finish my sentence she lifts her head and familiar teary hazel eyes meet mine.
"Lisa.B" My face probably shows how shocked I am because despite her tears she laughs.
"It's Lisa. Just Lisa," she says, with an underlying irritation, like this isn't the first time she corrected someone.
"Lisa." I replay my shock, saying her name correctly this time.
She chuckles, delicately wiping the tears of her cheeks. She wipes her tears, the same way Bina did, patting lightly like a prim and proper lady.
She looks so similar to Bina.
"She's your grandmother?"
Lisa's stares at me for a moment." If by she you mean, Mrs Bokamoso yes and my grandfather's here too."
"Small world." The shocked expression on my face is etched in place and it leaves her amused.
"I'm here with my grandfather."
This time she's the one to be shocked but we're straying off topic so I quickly try to bring us back.
"You OK?"
"You still want to stay?" she asks instead.
"I thought I told you that no one's supposed to be left alone when they are in pain. It's a recipe for disaster. My grandmother used to say something..." the memory of her settles over my mind, nostalgic but not even a hint of pain.
"She used to say that you shouldn't assume an ambulance was called."
Lisa holds my gaze, trying to make sense of my words.
"She told me this story about an accident that happened on the road. People kept passing by assuming that an ambulance was coming; that help was on the way. Help wasn't on the way but people just assumed and because of that the man died."
Lisa's eyes are eager as she listens to the story and it almost reminds me of Olivia.
Almost.
" All those people. All of them could have saved the man's life but they all assumed an ambulance was called."
Lisa stays quiet, taking in my words. She looks ahead of her, up by the white terrace rail.
"Are you calling me an accident?"
"No, that's not what I'm saying. You missed the whole point of the story. I'm saying that you need help. I could call your grandmother or grandfather but I'm not leaving you here alone."
"Leaving me will be the best help you can give me right now."
Completely ignoring what she just said, I continue speaking. " The least I can do is be a listening ear."
Lisa sighs, shaking her head. "You're so very stubborn." A whisper of a smile touches her lips.
"Thank you."
"I'm crying because... " she hesitates, her voice softer and hoarse from the crying.
"I'm crying because I can't cry for someone else anymore."
Wait, can the whole world pause for a second.
Lisa laughs at the expression on my face.
"You're crying because you can't cry." I say it out loud and it makes me laugh, hard.
I can't stop laughing and Lisa stares at me pointedly. With everything in me I try to stop myself from laughing and after a moment it dies down to a sigh.
"I'm sorry," I apologize, still recovering from my bout of laughter.
"Is this how you comfort people because I feel everything except comfort right now."
"No, I'm sorry. It's just... I'm so sorry I have no excuse. Please continue, you're crying because you can't cry."
The bubbling feeling of wanting to laugh returns but I hold it back.
She rolls her eyes, her lips curving into an amused smile. "I had a friend. She died a few years ago."
Now I feel bad.
No I feel like the worst guy to ever exist.
"We were really close. To this day I've never had a friend like her. Her death.."
She pauses.
"-Her death changed me forever. It's weird when young people die. You don't ever expect it to happen but it happens... It happens and it's heartbreaking and it's... I don't have the words."
She exhales, the expression on her face an art of sorrow.
" Today I thought about her and I realized that I hadn't thought about her in months... I also realized that I had no tears left to cry for her.That her death doesn't hurt any more. That I'm completely ready to move on and that's exactly what I'm doing."
It takes me a few moments to recover from how much I'm relating with her. It's crazy how everything she's saying I was feeling moments earlier in Mkhulu's car.
"It's just that the hurt, the pain was proof of my love for her. Now that it doesn't hurt does it mean I've run out of love for her."
Her words almost make me question my love for my grandmother as well. How can I be done crying for the amazing woman that was once in my life?
How can all that love disappear with time?
"No, Lisa." I shake my head, denying these condemning thoughts that tell me I didn't love my grandmother enough.
"You know what this is called? It's called healing. It means that the heaviness, the pain is lifted but the memory will always remain.Always."
I let my words sink in because it's one of those moments where you feel like the advice is not only for the other person but for you as well.
It's like God using you to help someone and help yourself at the exact same time.
"-It means that you're letting go and maybe that's for the best. Holding on to people who aren't in our lives anymore is like holding on to the wind."
" I think that -" I pause, searching for the right words, listening for God's say in this.
I feel like in matters of grief and pain there are a million voices advising and telling you facts that mean nothing. I feel like some people mindlessly give suggestions without really knowing the depths of situations. I don't want to be another one of those people who say things to people like scars make you beautiful forgetting that the scar was once a wound and wounds hurt.
If there was ever a time to be patient with myself, it would be right now. Waiting not for what sounds pretty but what means something.
"When you love someone..."
I finally have my thoughts together.
"In some way they have your heart. So when they die or leave or break you, they make the heart you have for them bleed..."
"I don't know if I'm making sense to you."
Lisa beckons me to continue, with a simple hand gesture. " Continue, I'll stop you if you're speaking rubbish."
I chuckle. "Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that, you know that feeling you first had when she died. Those first few days, months, that year. How did it feel?"
She pauses, thinking. " It felt like my heart was torn out or something. Like I was empty."
"Exactly. It felt like I was bleeding from the inside." The memory of my grandmother's death and the pain it brought settles over my mind.
Lisa stares at me, as if she sees it too.
"Now, how does your heart feel?" I ask her.
She places her hand on her chest, as if her heart will tell her. " I don't know...but I don't feel like I felt before. It feels...done."
"It's like I'm done," Lisa repeats.
"Me too. It's like I've bled out all my heart for my grandmother. That's how I feel right now. There's nothing left to bleed, that's why I can't seem to cry. Maybe I can still cry but definitely not like before..."
The silence settles over both Lisa and I and we stay like that. My eyes are fixed on the orange sun in its half glory, the rest of it melting into the horizon, promising the end of the day.
A day without Olivia.
It's been about twenty six consecutive days spent with Olivia so I kind of feel odd knowing that this will be the very first day without her.
The first of many, I bitterly remind myself.
I can feel Lisa's hot stare on me.I glance at her, meeting her hazel eyes.
"You're sad too." She points out.
"I'm fine."
"I can't leave you to be in pain alone."
Laughter escapes my lips but it dies out quickly.
"I just -" I sigh.
"Tell me,"she beckons me softly.
"I gave up on someone recently."
"..."
My heart feels heavy, so very heavy like my body is not enough to carry its weight, to carry its pain.
"I don't know if it was right but I do know that I want to save myself from more of the hurt this person could bring into my life."
Lisa doesn't say anything for a good moment. My words hang in the air, heavy.
"Even though,"Lisa breaks the silence.
"It doesn't feel right at the moment, sometimes I think it's best if we let some things go. Let some people go."
Her words pierce my heart and I feel a welling of tears but I quickly blink them back, not wanting to cry in front of a girl.
I don't think that's what I wanted Lisa to say to me. I wanted her to tell me to fight, to never give up, to try again.
I wanted her to tell me the complete opposite of what she said but maybe this is some type of proof or confirmation that although hard, I made the best decision.
My heart crumbles, crying out for Olivia but I silence it knowing what's best for it.
"Ok then," I breathe.
"Ok then," she repeats, holding my gaze and I let her.
"There you two are!" Alex's voice booms from the entrance of the terrace. "We've been looking for you guys everywhere!"
Alex stands tall dressed in a suit and a bright yellow tie fastened around his neck.
Lisa and I both stand up.
"Ntate Alex," Lisa greets respectfully.
He smiles staring at Lisa and I, but Lisa's gaze stays fixed on the ground.
"I see both of you are also reminiscing about the old days."
Before I can go over Alex's words Mkhulu comes into the terrace next and the smile on his face falters when he sees me with Lisa, a little too close for comfort.
"Mkhulu."
He simply nods at me.
"Isn't this nice?" Alex continues to gush, not realizing the growing tension.
"Mmh," Mkhulu grunts in reply, "Bina's asking us to stay for dinner. Is that okay?"
Mkhulu's piercing eyes hold mine, the silence is loud as he beckons me.
Even now, I can take you to her.
The message in the depth of Mkhulu's eyes almost breaks my resolve. I feel this rising in my heart as I look back at the sun slowly setting but it's not too late. Maybe if i-
Lisa's hand squeezes my shoulder, I glance at her and she smiles, stunningly. " My grandfather makes a sweet mash. Once you taste it you'll never be the same."
Looking back at Mkhulu, I force out a smile. " It's okay Mkhulu."
❄️❄️❄️
I've kept to myself since I took a seat at the dinner table,my eyes stare up at the golden lit chandelier that hangs from the ceiling.
It makes the scrumptious food on the dark wood dining table shine with a delicious glaze.
Mkhulu and Alex, both at either end of the table, talk jovially amongst each other. Lisa left to change for some reason. Bina pitches in here and there but she's more focused on dishing up for everyone.
It's a roasted chicken that's freshly out of the oven, with mash and vegetables.
"It was 1986.." Alex starts off, smiling blissfully.
Wow! My grandfather is old.
Mkhulu gives me an amused look, as if he can hear my thoughts.
"That was the year." Bina pitches in, adding more meat to people's plates.
"Lot's of things happened that year, like the fishing incident." Mkhulu adds.
"The fishing incident!" Alex half yells, excited, " Don't get me started on the fishing incident."
"Lisa!" Bina calls, once she's dished up for everyone.
Mrs Bina settles onto the seat near Alex, a gentle smile on her face as she watches her husband and Mkhulu talk.
Her eyes meet mine. "1986, that was the year your grandfather, my husband as well as I were eighteen years old."
I know that Mkhulu's fifty five but sometimes I forget that he's fifty five.
"I remember what that was like," Alex continues, staring into his wife's eyes.
Lisa makes the conversation halt as she steps into the room. She's stunningly adorned in a night blue dress that hugs her frame and for some reason her hazel eyes meet mine first.
"Isn't she beautiful?!" Alex gushes, looking from me to her.
"Uhmm yes."
"Come join us dear." Bina beckons her.
She walks over, taking the seat right next to me.
All the adults' eyes are on us, all of them smiling all except Mkhulu.
"Shall we pray." Bina extends her hand for Mkhulu and Alex to hold.
I extend my hand to Mkhulu and it's warm, calloused and familiar, reminding me that even now he can take me to her.
Lisa's hand grasps my other hand, new and dainty. We shut our eyes as Bina prays, blessing the food and thanking God for it.
I pull my hand out of Lisa's grip first when we open our eyes.
"Let's dig in!" Alex encourages and the chatter begins as easy as it was before.
The food is delicious but it goes down my throat uneasily. Lisa flicks her gaze to me time to time like she's waiting for me to say something.
Besides today and that one time at the tuckshop I don't think Lisa.B and I have ever had a conversation, so it's a little bit awkward.
My thoughts stray to Olivia but I bring it back to the present, reminding my heart that I've fully given up on her.
"-you're insane old man. That was 1997!" Alex pitches in," I know that because that's when I got that job at that firm."
"No, you old man." Mkhulu shakes his head," that was 1995 and I know that because -"
Lisa nudges me, I turn towards her and she's chuckling. " It's been like this almost every day since they came back."
"Very interesting. Where are your parents?"
"They went for an anniversary; they'll be back a month from now."
" Cool." And then there's nothing left for both of us to say.
The silence between us is awkward while the adults are the literal life of this table, completely oblivious to our lack of conversation.
I feel bad for closing Lisa.B off and shutting her down so I try to think of something else to say but my mind is blank. She plays with the food on her plate not really eating but she pushes aside all the green peas to one end.
" Lisa.B you don't like peas?"
She looks up at me, her hazel eyes alight. " It's Lisa,"she corrects again.
"-and I hate them but my Grandmother forces me to eat all my vegetables."
I chuckle.
"You sound like a child. Vegetables are good for your health, you know."
"I like vegetables, not peas. What kind of name even is that-peas."
Soft laughter is shared between the two of us.
"I think peas are great, especially with mayonnaise."
Her nose crinkles and she shakes her head. " Mayonnaise is terrible."
I'm shocked beyond words and she laughs at the expression on my face.
"Mayonnaise is what makes food come to life.Are you insane?"
"No, it's sour and disgusting."
"I think you need to get your tongue checked. I saw on the internet recently about this lady who had a diseased tongue and-"
" I think," she cuts me off, laughing "that you need-"
"Look at them," Alex's voice booms louder, catching our attention.
" It's like a time machine watching them talk. Wasn't it years ago when the two of them played with each other everywhere?"
Even Mkhulu is smiling, his eyes glimmering with a fondness and the adults continue to talk about a childhood I have no memory of.
I'm taken aback by his words, staring at Lisa who meets my eyes. She bites her bottom lip, holding back a smile.
"I was about to tell him, Ntate. Leonardo doesn't seem to remember,"she says all this while staring at me.
For some reason, I can't take my eyes off Lisa.Her face always blurred past me in the four years we've been in Highschool together but today her hazel eyes hold mine, clearer and strikingly familiar.
"I thought we met in grade eight when we were both enrolled in Vestalia High."
"No, we actually kind of grew up together. I have toddler pictures of us and everything."
I look to Mkhulu for confirmation and he simply nods like this is something that's common knowledge.
" So we were like childhood friends?"
"Childhood bestfriends." Lisa concurs, "I've been waiting to tell you for a while now."
"I don't know what to say about all this..."
Or to feel about all this.
Lisa continues to stare at me with this expectancy in her face. It the look she's been giving me all day. This expectancy. As if waiting for me to notice something. To notice her.
"I'm sorry I don't remember anything."
"We have today and tomorrow and hopefully," she pauses, determination settling in her eyes," the day after that."
I don't reply because I don't think there's much left for me to say. The conversation with the adults continues and Lisa and I talk a lot more easily.
She tells me about our childhood together, the things we'd do and the adventures we had. She tells me that I always shared my toys with her but every time she offered her toys I completely denied them because they were pink and girly.
Lisa tells me that I actually offered to teach her soccer but she always denied it begging me to play skipping with her but she implies that if I wanted to teach her soccer now, she's very open.
She speaks to me in a new way that I can't put a name on, introducing me into a whole new world of her. There's this delicateness and confidence in her that I like and I know that she'll be a great friend to have.
I keep calling her Lisa.B because I'm so used to it and she corrects me every time with a smile on her face that she's just Lisa.
We're almost done with the food but my plate is suspiciously piling up with peas even though I've been eating it like crazy.
Mkhulu is still explaining to me along with Alex about the soccer team they were in back in the day and the conversation has all my attention.
Lisa snickers beside me and finally I catch her in the act of placing her spoon of peas on my plate.
" It's you!" I whisper yell, an unfightable smile growing on my lips.
She hushes me like she's scared of being caught.
"I'm exposing you young lady, this is a crime."
"I hate peas, you love them. I found a way where both of us can be happy."
"Yeah but I'm also full."
"Please." She waves her hand nonchalantly. "Boys never get full."
I want to argue but then again...
"Ok but don't come to me twenty years from now when you have weak bones and sagging skin because you didn't eat your peas."
She rolls her eyes. " I'll be thirty eight. That's still young and I don't think peas give you strong bones."
"Then what does it do?"
"It disgusts me." She crinkles her nose in that way again.
She dumps more of her peas into my plate and this time I eat them with no more complaint.
"I heard they also make you fart a lot," she adds, while dumping more into my plate with her spoon.
"So if I fart I get to pin the blame on you and you'll have to take it otherwise I'll expose your secret."
She laughs, staring at me like I'm the silliest Billy.
"Is that a threat?" She goes along with my joke.
It's weird and new, laughing and joking with her like this but it's also oddly familiar. I feel that although I don't remember Lisa.B at all some part of me remembers her.
Not the Lisa.B at school but the real Lisa.
❄️❄️❄️
You know how old people say goodbye. It lasts four hours long and you even forget they told you it was time to go.
It's late evening and we're all outside, Lisa and I are still talking and sharing with each other. She's very open with me but she's also clearly exhausted. I told her that she can go back inside but for some reason she wants to stay out with me.
Mkhulu, Alex and Bina are all laughing, saying goodbye for the hundredth time that I feel like dragging Mkhulu into the car and driving off otherwise we'll never leave.
"Leonardo," Lisa calls me, and I stare down at her.
Her hazel eyes hold mine as she tried to find the words to say. " I actually,"she rubs her bare arms together from the chilly air. " I wanted to tell you something.That's why I stepped out with you..."
"Ok," my heart races not in a way of excitement but fear. It's because of the clear look in her hazel eyes.
It's tender and it's raw and it's real.
It reminds me of a truth that completely slipped my mind this whole day.
Lisa.B likes me.
Immediately shame settles in my heart because I feel like I've been leading her on, like I've been returning her advances.
"I've actually wanted to tell you this for a really long time. I was just...hesitant because..." She holds my eyes and this time I look away.
The laughter of the adults blurs passed me almost like it's distant. My mind can only think of that look Olivia gave me when Lisa.B greeted me so suggestively in front of the class.
Her coffee brown eyes were almost teary like a type of betrayal and as the air within me leaves it feels like wherever Olivia is this evening. She's looking at me with the same betrayal.
"I-" Mkhulu clears his throat loudly, we all snap our gazes at him.
"I'm sorry Alex, Bina but Leonardo and I have to be home now, we're meeting up with people."
Huh??
Alex smiles, hugging Mkhulu one last time.
I make my way to meet Mkhulu where he stands but before that Lisa stops me by my arm.
I glance at her, she hesitates for a moment until she pulls me in for a hug, holding me tightly. I'm stock still for a moment but give in a second later.
"Thank you," she breathes into my ears and she holds me a second longer before she pulls away.
Mkhulu surprisingly comes to hug Lisa too, he holds her in a warm hug and when he pulls away he's smiling.
" You've grown into such a lovely young lady."
"Thank you." Her eyes beam from the compliment.
Bina hugs me next then Alex and the good-byes are finally goodbying if that makes sense. We step into the car, the family of three gather together and wave us off.
"Bye!"
"Drive safely!
"Close the windows before you sleep!" Alex remarks.
Lisa's gaze pierces through the closed window and her unfinished conversation hangs in the air heavy. There's also something in the curve of her lips that tells me that although she was stopped today, the confession she wanted to make to me still awaits.
"Leonardo, let's go now," Mkhulu beckons me, making me take my eyes off Lisa. "Before it's too late."
★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★
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