Sunday, 27 November 2023🥀
" I hate to admit it but I can't wait to see you too," Mkhulu rasps out, a tender tone to his voice.
I'm right outside Mkhulu's door, formally dressed for church. I was about to knock and tell him I'm ready but I hesitated when I heard him speaking.
Is there somebody in the room with him?
Who could Mkhulu not wait to see?
"How long has it been?" Mkhulu continues to speak, a lightness in his deep voice.
I strain my ears as best as I can to hear the other person's reply but it seems that Mkhulu is actually talking on the phone.
I know that I should leave, that eavesdropping isn't exactly a good thing but with the way Mkhulu is speaking to this unknown person, something within my numb heart stirs...
"Nine years!" Mkhulu laughs, a jovial sound echoing even outside of his room.
My brows furrow and I wait to hear him say the name of this person but he doesn't mention it.
"I missed you too. How different do you look now?"
This stirring within me continues as I hear Mkhulu talk to whoever he is talking about.
I grunt, turning away and making my way down the hallway but before I'm even five steps away, I hear Mkhulu say something else.
"No. I don't want Leonardo to know about this..."
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I'm silently brooding, seated in the passenger seat of the car with the windows rolled down.
The warm morning sun shines its light partly on my face. I patiently wait for Mkhulu, trying my best not to think about the conversation I just heard.
But the more I try the more I fail.
Mkhulu finally steps out of the house, dressed formally for church.The sun illuminates the small smile adorned on his grey bearded face and it almost makes my heart combust.
On his right hand he holds his black cane, it clangs on the cement ground as he makes his way towards me.
What catches my attention is the grey suitcase that he holds on his left hand, it's pulled out of its handle and he rolls it along with him.
"Open up the boot, Leonardo."
I do as I'm told and he goes round the car , opening the boot and putting the grey suitcase in.
He steps into the driver's seat moments later.
"You were fast this morning, Leo. Normally you'd have to be yelled at loud enough for you to get ready on time."
My face stays stoic under his gaze and I simply nod in reply.
Mkhulu's dark eyes meet mine for a moment but I look away.
He sighs,not in the mood for one of my moods.
Well neither am I, but this feeling in my chest cannot be ignored.
He starts the car, playing a gospel song and it echoes into my ears as he drives. Mkhulu doesn't say much, he doesn't prod me or nudge me and it irks me.
He hums along to the music, driving at a good pace and tapping the steering wheel from time to time. Compared to me he seems to be in a state of paradise.
It's irritating when you're giving someone the silent treatment and they don't care at all. Or worse they don't even notice.
The tree's and houses that pass by in a blur offer no relief; neither does the wind rippling through the window.
My mind keeps going back to the conversation in the morning?
Who was Mkhulu talking to?
I force my eyes to stare at him and he's grinning. There's nothing but road ahead of us and that's not exactly something someone would smile about but the smile on his face is undeniable.
I groan, but he doesn't spare me a glance.
The silent treatment never works for me.
"What are you thinking about?"
Mkhulu's eyes snap to mine, his brows slightly raised as if he's shocked I'm speaking.
" Just reminiscing."
"About?"
Mkhulu's brows furrow, he takes a good look at me without saying anything for a moment.
"The old days..."
He turns his head back to the front, swerving the car to the left, the silence settles over us, the music in the radio feeling a little bit distracting to my thoughts.
" With who?"
"Why are you so nosey, all of a sudden? Weren't you giving me the silent treatment, please continue."
So he knew!
"What's in the suitcase? Are we donating anything to church?"
"I can't tell you. Maybe later but it's not for church."
I sigh, feeling so unsatisfied, the questions I had before have doubled and now the feeling within me is harder to ignore.
"So you knew I was giving you the silent treatment and you said nothing?"
"What else was I supposed to do?"
"I don't know but definitely not accept it."
"If someone chooses to give up on things, it's their choice and they suffer the consequences. The blame shouldn't be on anyone else but themselves."
His words pierce through my heart and although they were spoken softly it feels like they were very harsh.
But I don't reply.
I silence myself and my heart, the numbness that I woke up with this morning feels more comforting and I give into it.
I'm not going to think about her...
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It's after church and I'm under the shade of a big evergreen tree, on one of the benches outside of the church.
The chatter that surrounds me from people stepping out of the church goes through one ear and out the other.
Although I had wanted the numbness in me to stay, my heart feels like it's thawing, to feel again as my mind goes over everything that was said.
It's like my heart marinates on the words of God and with that my heart is slowly being brought to life.
Mkhulu is further away standing under one of the other trees surrounding the church premises not too far from me. He's talking with Pastor John and the two of them seem to be in a really serious discussion.
I really want to go home.
Pastor John's blue eyes flick to me as Mkhulu says something then he looks away.
"Great. They're talking about me."
Mkhulu and Pastor John continue talking for a few more minutes, they share laughs with each other, hopefully they still aren't talking about me.
It's like I'll never go home!
They share a hug, and finally Mkhulu's making his way towards me, his cane clanging ahead of him as he walks.
"You guys talked so long I died, came back to life and died again."
Mkhulu laughs, the two of us make our way towards the car.
Once we both step into the car Mkhulu starts driving. " I'll drop you off at home. I have somewhere I need to be."
This shocks me a little. Mkhulu isn't exactly a social guy. He barely leaves the house except if it's for church or work. He's been that way since Gogo died.
"What about Sunday lunch?"
He sighs, like he forgot all about it.
How can he forget about it?
"It'll happen, just a little later. I'll be back later on. You just do whatever teenagers do on a Sunday afternoon."
The truth is that I don't want to be left alone today. I don't want to be left to my thoughts, left in that house.
Meeting up with Dominique will just mean I have to face the consequences of my decision but I don't need that right now.
The weekends are for getting away. And getting away is what I want to do.
" Can I come with you?"
Mkhulu's dark eyes meet mine, hesitant. " I'm gonna be there for a while. You won't enjoy it. Me and other old people, it's probably not the ideal Sunday for teenagers."
"..."
My thoughts connect dots that are not connecting at all. It's a field of dots that leads to more confusion and questions.
Why is Mkhulu against me coming along with him?
"No, Mkhulu. I want to come along. I have nothing to do anyway. I'll be bored out of my mind so I'm coming."
"Don't you have to meet up with Oli-"
"Please Mkhulu, let's not start this again."
He sighs deeply, the tension in the car building up. " So you've really...given up?"
"..."
"I had thought that today you'd wake up and realize you were being a little emotional yesterday and fix things with her but it seems..."
Mkhulu's words hang in the air, my chest tightens. I was foolish to think that I could go through the whole day without thinking about her or talking about her.
I was foolish to think that giving up on her would be easy, that it wouldn't be a struggle.
Maybe that's the reason I'm clinging onto Mkhulu today because some part of me knows that once I'm left alone my heart will win this fight against my mind and I'll run to Olivia.
"It seems..." Mkhulu continues, somber, " that sweet girl Olivia was wrong about you. You're not the guy she hoped that you were."
A pang shoots straight through to my chest but I conceal the pain. I ignore it just like I have been doing for the whole day.
"Mkhulu, I'd like to come along with you. To where it is that you're going, please."
Mkhulu simply nods, the sadness in his eyes not lost by me.
The drive has been half an hour long. We're in a whole new neighborhood but Mkhulu seems familiar with the place. The houses are more vintage here, like the bricks and windows have a million stories to tell. The trees are taller and sturdier, showing growth over the years.
Mkhulu finally stops by a three storey yellow house, that's concealed with white curtains. My eyes take in the place that whispers wealth even in its simplicity.
The curiosity in me only grows as Mkhulu's eyes stay trained on the steering wheel. He doesn't say anything at all, it's like I'm not even here.
He tightens his hold on the steering wheel and takes a deep breath.
I'm about to ask if he's okay but then the door to the yellow house opens up.
A petite old lady, adorned in an elegant blue dress steps out of the house, she searches with her eyes, looking for something.
Even from a distance I can tell that this woman is every bit stunning.
I force my attention away from her and stare back at Mkhulu only to find him staring at her as well.
"She hasn't changed one bit." He says softly, a gleam in his eyes.
Something within me shatters as I flick my gaze from the woman to Mkhulu.
"...You've finally moved on." I'm surprised by how soft my voice comes out.
I expected it to be more rough and hard representing the anger I should feel within me but it's as broken as I feel right now.
Mkhulu's gaze flicks to me, the gleam lost in his dark eyes. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm not blind Mkhulu. I heard you and that lady talking in the morning. You told her that you missed her, that you couldn't wait to see her and that you didn't want me to find out."
Again, I'm surprised that as I spew these words out, not even the feeling of crying wells up within me.
I'm surprised that my cheeks remain dry.
That even if I would try right now, to think about Gogo, I would have to force the tears out of me but even then my eyes would remain dry.
Then it hits me...
Have I cried every tear I could for Gogo?Is it over? Is the grief I felt now distant like a faded scar?
Have I healed?
I don't exactly know how to feel about this...
It isn't a great feeling. How could I be done crying for Gogo? How could I be ready to move on?
Why isn't Mkhulu's girlfriend more of a betrayal than a huge surprise?
"You were eavesdropping?" Mkhulu's voice rises to an angry tone.
"It wasn't my intention but yes."
"That's bad manners Leonardo. I've taught you better than that."
"But I -"
"There's no excuse for that." He cuts me off.
"You're right. I'm sorry..."
The tension in the air thickness, a thousand words still left unsaid. The woman heads back into the house and I try to imagine I never saw her.
I try to imagine I didn't see how Mkhulu looked at her.
I try and try only to fail again.
"Anyway," Mkhulu continues," If you're going to eavesdrop, at least do it right. Don't you know how to play the game broken telephone?"
I leave his question hanging; it's rhetorical.
"I heard you Mkhulu. You said you missed her, you said that you-"
"He." Mkhulu corrects, catching me off guard.
A pause.
" What?"
"I missed him," Mkhulu's lips twitch upwards, the amusement dancing in his dark eyes.
" I was talking to Alex, my best friend since highschool. We haven't seen each other in nine years. He was traveling the world and got lost in some country. He's a journalist. We somehow lost contact as he was away...He managed to get a hold of my number through an acquaintance and we talked for the first time this morning in nine years. I just had to meet up with him."
" What about that lady who stepped out of the house right now?"
"That's Bina Bokamoso, Alex's wife. Sophie's good friend as well as mine."
I feel like an idiot who became a fool and gave birth to stupidity.
"Oh."
"But I heard you saying that you didn't want me to find out about this..."
"Yet." Mkhulu adds, " Did you wait before I said yet."
"..."
"I wanted your focus today to be on fixing your damaged brain because only someone with a damaged brain can choose to give up-"
"ok can we please stay off that topic. Just for today."
"Fine," Mkhulu grunts.
We both sigh, loudly.
Then Mkhulu laughs, a teasing sound making my cheeks burn.
"What did you think was happening?"
I shake my head profusely, refusing to confess.
If Mkhulu knew my thoughts, I knew that he'd be far from happy with me.
"Just tell me."
He prods with a silly grin on his face.
" I thought that lady was...you know..." I gesture something incompressible with my hands.
"No, I don't know. That's why I'm asking you."
"I thought that lady was your g-girlfriend or something."
"A girlfriend?! At my age?"
"It happens."
He sighs, staring down at his lap. "Would you...would you have hated me if she was? Or if I did have someone in my life?"
A pause ensues but the answer comes to me easily.
"Never."
Mkhulu holds my gaze, a wavering emotion in his dark eyes.
"I could never hate you Mkhulu."
My mind flashes to that awful memory, the week my mother came back this month and I told him how much I hated him. It's like I can see from the depth of Mkhulu's eyes that he's remembering that memory again.
I know he's forgiven me but I also know that those words still hurt the same.
I know that those words sometimes haunt me and condemn me.
The silence echoes. " I'll never love another again. Sophie, she was the one for me and I know there's no shame in getting another wife. I've had my fair share of them but none of them loved like her.You can't replace people..."
I nod, taking in his words.
The silence settles over us, healing.
I never thought that the wounds of grief would slowly heal as time went by. I wouldn't say that it was time that healed all things because time didn't comfort me those nights I couldn't do anything but cry.
Time didn't bring peace into my heart when my life was like a raging storm. Time didn't meet me where I was in my hurts and failures. Time wasn't on my side.
It was God. It is God who heals the brokenhearted and time is just one of the things he uses.
A small smile grows on Mkhulu's face and this time I don't even have to ask as I see the distant gleam in his eyes.It's clear that he is thinking about Gogo.
The smile on his face falters, then he looks at me.
"You lied." Mkhulu voice wavers.
"Mkhulu, what are you talking about?"
There's a hardness in his tone, as he speaks to me."You lied when you told me, told her, told everyone that you loved her."
"How could you say that?"
"How weak is your love Leonardo?" He counters, ignoring my last words.
"When you truly love someone it's not so easy to let them go. Not as easy as you're making it out to be."
"..."
"You were angry at me for moving on with Sophie even though she's dead but Olivia's very much alive and breathing but you're pushing her away."
"She's pushing me away."
Again, Mkhulu ignores my statement.
"You said you loved her. You're the one who started all this, you got into her life and now..." Mkhulu shakes his head, " now you're giving up, because of what?"
"..."
"Because of fear." Mkhulu holds my eyes for a second and then he looks away.
"Love. Real love never fails.You just proved to me, to Olivia, to everyone that what you felt for her wasn't real love..."
"Please don't say stuff like that, Mkhulu."
"It's the truth."
"No it's not. I love Olivia." My chest burns from this truth that I've been struggling to fight back the whole day.
"Your words and your actions tell completely different stories. If you truly love her, I can take you to her now." Determination drips from his tone.
Mkhulu beckons me softly with his eyes, a patient tenderness." I can take you to her. It's not too late. She doesn't even have to know that you almost made the decision of giving up on her."
" I can't..." I whisper, broken.
Mkhulu shakes his head, a sad sigh escaping his lips.
"So to protect yourself from getting hurt by her you decide to hurt her instead..." His voice sounds bitter.
"That's some love you have Leonardo. She's better off without it."
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