From that day on, we were inseparable. I felt freer and happier than ever as I let her into my life, shining like the angel that she was for saving me. Every day was spent together laughing, talking, joking, holed up in our dorm rooms with no one but each other; occasionally there was fighting only to end up desperately clinging to each other and apologizing profusely for every tiny offense. No matter what happened, we couldn't seem to stay apart.
It was about three months after the day I left that place that I finally allowed us to take things further physically. She'd wanted to for so long, begged me to, but I didn't for fear of the voices returning as I let my guard fully down. I already knew I loved her; I think I fell in love with her the very first time I kissed her. And it was that day, when we finally crossed the bridge and came together as one, that she told me she loved me, too.
This girl who'd come into my life the very moment I needed her most loved me, but I was absolutely certain she'd never love me as much as I loved her.
She was good for me.
Our time together was blissfully happy and full of as true of love that ever existed, but there were bad days, too. There were days the voices got a little louder, regaining the control they'd been deprived of for so long. It had been about a year since I left that place, a year together with Sadie, when I missed my first medication.
Don't take it.
The voice had been fighting to break through the haze the medication caused for so long. All it had taken was one morning when Sadie had to leave for class early for me to listen to it, skipping my morning medication that was so vital to controlling the voices. That single ounce of control I gave back blew me over, and it was as if I'd never taken medication in the first place.
You're free.
Don't take them.
The pills are poison!
That one day led to another, and another, when finally an entire week had gone by without my pills. I lied to Sadie because the voices told me to. I told her I took them before stashing them in my pocket and flushing them down the toilet.
Don't take them.
The longer I went without the pills, the more I resented Sadie for trying to make me take them. Off them, I felt more alert, more energized, more alive. I felt things I hadn't felt in a long time and hadn't even realized I was missing because they had been suppressed for the last year. The world seemed clearer, brighter, bigger.
Too clear.
Too bright.
Too big.
The euphoria didn't last long before things became distorted, morphing into terrifying images only I could see that haunted me day after day. As the world shifted around me, the voices grew stronger, angrier, more violent. It was one day when Sadie came back from the library and stopped at my dorm that it happened for the first time.
"Hey, Harry," she'd greeted with a smile. She crossed the room and ducked to press her lips against mine as she always did only this time, I didn't feel the happy warmth I usually did. I felt hatred.
Get her off.
Hurt her.
My body reacted to the words before I could process them, shoving her backward so hard that she fell to the ground. Her eyes widened in surprised as she winced and glanced up at me in shock, eyes searching my face desperately as realization dawned on her.
"How long have you been skipping your meds?" she asked, careful to keep her voice even.
She knows!
Shut her up.
Don't let her make you take them.
I squeezed my eyes shut and felt my head do the once familiar tic in an effort to stop the voices, but as always, it didn't work.
"Harry," she said firmly, recapturing my attention. I blinked and suddenly realized she was still on the ground, and that I'd shoved her.
"Oh god, Sadie," I said breathlessly, rushing forward to lift her off the ground and haul her into my arms. She was still for a moment before returning the hug, cradling me to her as her hands smoothed soothingly over the back of my head.
"How long, Harry?" she whispered, words muffled by my chest.
Don't tell her!
"At least a week," I admitted. I felt embarrassed, ashamed. How could I let these voices in my head tell me what to do? Even though I knew they were all in my head, they were so real to me that I couldn't stop it.
She let out a heavy sigh and pulled back, holding my face in each of her hands as she studied me closely. "You have to go back to the facility. Just for a little while."
"What, no," I said immediately, panic flaring inside of me.
She's trying to get rid of you.
She doesn't love you.
Stop her.
Hurt her.
Again, my head ticked to the side.
"Just a few days, love," she said calmly. "You won't take your meds out here."
"Yes I will."
But as I said it, I knew it was a lie. The voices had too much control over me already and it grew by the day; I knew they wouldn't give it up so easily.
"Really?" she asked skeptically, arching a brow at me.
I sighed. So badly did I want to say yes, to promise I'd do better, but I knew I couldn't.
"No," I admitted. The voices screamed in my head, furious with me for trying to get rid of them.
She surprised me by leaning up on her toes to kiss me gently, letting her lips linger there for a moment before pulling back. "I love you. It'll be okay."
"I love you," I returned. My tone was distracted as I tried and failed to shut out the voices.
She's lying.
She doesn't love you.
She'll be glad when you're gone.
We went back to that facility that night. They weren't surprised to see me; apparently Schizophrenics relapse a lot. That seemed like an odd word to me.
Relapse.
As if I was some drug addict craving my next high and unable to withstand the desperate need. I loathed my relapse, because all it meant to me was that I would be separated from her again.
From Sadie.
I stayed five days this time. Five short days that should have seemed like a breeze compared to the ninety-two I'd stayed about a year ago, but the minutes dragged on for an eternity. I knew what it was like now to live and be loved, and I so desperately wanted to get back to it. This was my motivation, my every thought revolving around it as I focused on getting better. I took my meds without complaint, attended groups, and wrote.
Just as before, I wrote her letters. By the time they sent them out, she was already picking me up from my stay. Her smile was as radiant as ever as she greeted me, kissing me urgently as I picked her up. Her legs found their way around my waist as I hitched my hands under her thighs, suddenly desperate to get her someplace private after being apart for five days.
I was good again for a while, but it never lasted long. In our three years together since the day she found me, I relapsed seventeen times. Each time, it got worse. No matter how carefully she watched me with my pills or how understanding she was, I let her down over and over again.
Not that she'd ever say it.
She was too supportive and loving for that.
But I knew it grated on her, and the toll it took was becoming more and more apparent with every single relapse. She came to recognize the signs: tics of my head to the side, staring off into nothing, squeezing my eyes shut, clenching my fists for no reason. As soon as she saw them, she'd help me to get better, but the better moments were becoming shorter and shorter each time.
It was spring day towards the end of our junior year when it happened again. The voices had convinced me ten days ago to stop taking my pills, and I'd somehow managed to hide it from Sadie as she was distracted by her approaching finals. She was less observant than usual, and she missed the signs she'd come to look for.
We were in our apartment that we now shared, lounging on the couch as she studied the book in her lap. I leaned against the back while she draped her legs over my thighs, facing me from the other side of the couch. My eyes stared blankly at the TV, unseeing and deaf to it's noise as I heard only voices.
Why are you still here?
Get out of there.
Leave her. She hates you.
The TV screen seemed to melt and drip to a puddle on the floor in front of me, but Sadie's lack of reaction told me that it was only something I could see. I didn't quite manage to subdue the natural tic of my head, but Sadie didn't see it as she studied beside me.
You need to end this.
End it all.
She'll send you back to that place.
She doesn't love you.
I swallowed harshly and resisted the urge to argue with them. Her legs suddenly felt ice cold in my lap, and I looked down to see the image swimming before my eyes as if her skin was melting off her bones. I let out a frightened gasp and jumped, shoving her legs off my lap instinctually.
She blinked in surprise as her gaze focused on me, taking in my current state before things seemed to register.
"Harry..." she said gently, pulling her legs beneath her while putting her book aside.
Told you.
She's going to put you away again.
Stop her.
"I'm fine," I lied unconvincingly. I was unable to stop my eyes from shutting for a few moments too long.
"You're not," she said calmly with a gentle shake of her head. "Come on, let's-"
"No!" I shouted, unable to control myself.
Stop her.
Hurt her.
Hurt her!
My body felt rigid as I forced my arms to remain by my sides, resisting what the voices were trying to persuade me to do. My eyes shut and I blew out a deep, shaky breath in an attempt to calm myself from the inexplicable anger that had just risen up.
I jumped when I felt her hand land on my arm, barely putting pressure there but enough to make me react.
Don't let her touch you!
She wants to hurt you.
Hurt her.
This time I was unable to control myself as my arms shot out instinctively, colliding with her shoulders to send her staggering back a few feet. Pain flitted across her face and she grimaced before she managed to wipe it away. This wasn't the first time I'd hurt her without meaning to, but she never blamed me.
Guilt automatically flooded through me as my true self seemed to break through for a moment, hating myself for laying a finger on her even if it was out of my control.
"Sadie, I'm so sorry," I gasped urgently, taking a step forward before I stopped myself. I couldn't touch her for fear of it happening again.
"Harry, we have to go," she said, ignoring my apology. She somehow always managed to keep her voice so calm.
No!
"No," I replied automatically, shaking my head. "I'm not going."
"You have to, love," she pleaded. "You'll get better, like you always do."
"I'm not getting better though, don't you see that?" I asked desperately, imploring silently with my eyes as I watched her.
"You just need a few days off-"
"No, Sadie!" I hissed, suddenly angry again. "It doesn't help. I'm okay for a little while before I break and end up in there again. And when I'm good, I'm not really that good... I feel so off and hazy, like I'm drowning or something."
For once, she didn't have a reply as she watched me with a sad expression on her face. I never voiced these things because I knew it upset her. She saw the good in the world and believed things would be okay as long as you worked hard and treated people kindly, but mental illness that crippled my mind didn't care about those things. It wanted control, and I gave it up whenever it demanded.
No matter how good she was for me, the dark truth I'd always known but refused to listen to stood starkly in my mind: I wasn't good for her.
That's right.
You're worthless.
Why would she waste her time with someone like you?
"You should leave, Sadie."
Good.
She hates you anyway.
She'll be happy to go.
My voice was flat and hollow as I spoke, devoid of emotion even though it was ripping my insides into shreds.
"Harry, I'm not leaving you," she returned obstinately, frowning and shaking her head.
"You should," I muttered bitterly. My mood seemed to be swinging in every direction at the drop of a hat. "I don't know why you're with me at all when I'm such a wreck."
"Because I love you," she said matter-of-factually. My eyes met hers and she shook her head again with a shrug as if she couldn't believe I didn't see that.
She's lying.
She hates you.
"No, you don't," I muttered spitefully, glaring at her. The voice's control grew stronger as I indulged their dark words.
"Harry-"
Hurt her.
"I'm not good for you, Sadie. This is what I am and I can't change that," I seethed, anger bubbling up inside me.
"I don't care," she argued urgently, frustration leaking into her voice. Her eyes were narrowed as the peered intently into my own.
"You should. It's too dangerous for you to be with me."
"You're worth the risk," she said. Her voice softened and her gaze stayed locked on mine.
You're not. You're worthless.
Hurt her.
Hurt her now.
"Leave," I spit. My lip curled into a sneer. "Now."
"No," she said firmly. Now she sounded angry. "Stop listening to them, Harry. You know I love you."
Lies.
All lies.
My eyes squeezed shut yet again while the voices bombarded me.
She's a liar.
She wants to hurt you.
Hurt her first.
The quiet creak of the floorboard told me she'd taken a tentative step toward me, causing my eyes to spring open once again. I could practically feel how insane I looked as my wide eyes stared at her, mouth clenched so tightly I thought my teeth might break.
Kill her.
Before I could even think, my body launched forward, colliding with hers as I pinned her into the wall. She was easily overpowered as my body pressed to hers and my hands pressed tightly over her throat. A weak cough sputtered from her lips as her hands clutched desperately at my wrists, trying and failing to pry them off her.
"Ha-Harry," she gasped, unable to draw a full breath around the pressure of my hand on her throat.
Yes.
Do it.
Kill her.
End it all.
My eyes felt like they were bulging out of my head and my entire body was shaking with unexplainable rage as I pressed down tighter, watching with horror as my automatic actions caused her face to start turning a deep red. Her fist pounded on my chest, attempting to free herself but to no avail.
"St-stop."
Her voice was weak and frail as I held her to the wall, unrelenting and absolutely out of control in my own body.
Harder. Press harder.
Kill her.
Kill her.
Kill her!
Her breaths were the weakest yet, and her hand gave one last feeble swat at my chest before going limp and falling to her side. Her eyes fluttered for a moment as if struggling to cling to consciousness while my muscles burned with the effort of holding her down. Terror, panic, anger, resentment, fear, and every other emotion possible ripped through me as I flipped back and forth between myself and the voices, unable to relent no matter what I tried.
"I love you," she whispered.
The words barely managed to break free of her lips thanks to the force I was putting down on her throat, but they seemed to hit me like a bulldozer as I absorbed them. Almost immediately, my hands dropped from her throat and I took a stumbling step backward, releasing her as she sucked in a harsh breath and collapsed to the ground. I watched in horror as I realized what I'd done, taking in the way her hand rose to massage her neck while she drew rattling breath after rattling breath.
No!
So close.
"Oh my god," I gasped, feeling the violent shake that set into my entire body. "What did I just do..."
"Ha-Harry," she choked, voice raw and ragged as she looked up at me from the ground. Tears pooled in her eyes as she watched me, brows low and pain written clearly across her face.
I took another step backward, raising my shaking hands in front of me as if to ward her off. She took a clumsy step as she tried to stand, but her legs collapsed beneath her as she sucked in another gasping breath. My breathing started to rattle in my chest as air ripped through my lungs, causing my chest to cave in over and over again while I took another step back.
"Oh god..." I muttered, realization setting in.
I'd just about killed her, the only girl I loved, because the voices in my head told me to.
My feet fumbled over something unidentified as I took another hasty step backward. The solid wall collided with my back as I finally reached it, eyes still transfixed in horror as Sadie struggled to recover on the ground. Her eyes flashed up to meet mine, pleading with me silently.
"I'm sorry, Sadie," I whispered, voice shaky and broken as I watched her. My hand reached out to fumble with the doorknob, twisting roughly until it creaked open an inch.
"Harry, no," she whispered, shaking her head as her eyes darted to my hand.
Even now, she loved me. After I'd just tried to kill her.
"I'm sorry," I repeated. I felt like I'd been shattered into a thousand pieces, held together only by the current of self-hatred and torment running through me.
"Please don't go," she begged, voice loaded with hurt and desperation.
I felt my face contort as tears threatened to spill over, but I forced them down and endured the burning in the back of my throat as I pulled the door open and stepped through, pausing just long enough to cast one last look at her.
One last look forever.
"Goodbye, Sadie."
The End.
Thank you for reading x