On the way to the field all I can do is think 'What if he dies?' and then proceed to be mad at myself for being such a selfish person and avoiding him all week.
He can't just pass out all of a sudden for no reason at all. I mean, if he passed out, then maybe he hasn't been well for sometime or something.
Right?
Well, how would I know?
Because all I've done is avoid him.
I wouldn't even have known if he was sick or something!!
And now, the guilt is eating me up alive!
I don't think I'll ever forgive myself, should anything happen to him.
Silently hoping all's fine, or that at least all will be fine soon, I double up my steps to keep up with Allen's long strides.
After what seems like forever, the field finally comes to view and I see two figures sitting over at the far end, away from everyone.
Kendrick and Randy.
Without thinking, I break out into a ran towards where they sat, leaving Allen and Audrey behind, panting for breath with every stride I take.
"Is he okay?" I ask Kendrick when I finally reach, kneeling to face them.
He just sat there, motionless, and very shaky
"Randy!" I half yell, surprising myself.
"What's happening to him, Kendrick?"
"I think that's a conversation you two need to have...probably when he's all recovered, which will be any moment from now," he replies, and I glare at him momentarily.
"Are you kidding me? Shouldn't we take him to the nurse's office or something?" I finally yell, sick with worry at this point.
"He's fine, Mandy. It's just a panic attack," Kendrick yells back probably annoyed at me.
Well, can you really blame me?
This is freaky as hell!!
"There's nothing fine about this, Kendrick!!! Just look at him? He needs help!" I yell out loud.
"Hey, calm down. We've been through this severally, so trust me when I say he's going to be fine!" He yells right back.
And what is he, a doctor?
"How can you be so sure? What if-"
Kendrick cuts me off before I even get to finish.
"He's not gonna die, Mandy. And even if he dies, it's probably going to be as a result of too much alcohol or smoke in his lungs or some shit like that, not some damn panic attack! So quit whining, suck it up and go tell him everything will be fine. Right about now he's picking up on everything around him, your anxiety included!!! You need to chill the fuck out, Mandy!"
I just stand rooted on the spot as Kendrick yells at me, my mouth and eyes very wide open.
Wow!
As sad as that just sounded, it brought me relief momentarily, because it's true.
Randy's likely to die from a liver or lung failure, than from some panic attack.
Also, I'd never been openly scolded like this, and especially not by a guy who's no more than 2 years older than me.
What's even more shocking is, I never knew there was this side to Kendrick.
I'd always just thought he was this quiet kid who didn't give a crap about literally anything or anyone.
But hearing him yell at me, I now see it...how much he actually cares for his friend.
It's actually very sweet.
"Are we clear?" He interrupts my thoughts, this time his voice a calm whisper.
I risk a backward glance at Allen and Audrey who are just as confused as I am.
They nod back slowly and I turn my focus back to Kendrick.
"Uh...erm...ye...yeah...I guess," I stutter a reply, my heart and mind both still racing at a dangerous speed.
"You got this, Mandy," He further reassures me in a soothing whisper before turning and leaving.
I exhale deeply and quickly fill my lungs with air before moving close to Randy, gently flashing him a smile before moving to sit directly in front of him.
"Hi," I whisper nervously, doubting if he could even hear me, you know, beneath the shaking and sweating and all.
I wait for a response but all I get is frightful silence coupled with heightened hearing of both our wildly beating hearts as he struggles to breath and I freak out silently.
I feel a nervous knot form in my throat and I gulp it down immediately.
"Hey," I whisper slowly, reaching to wipe the sweat on his face with a tissue from my pocket.
"You're going to be fine," I continue, flashing him a faint smile.
"You've got this....you've got me. I'm here for you. You just take a deep breath okay?"
He responds for the first time, nodding shortly and I burst out into a big grin like an idiot at his response.
"Good. So you and me, we're going to take a couple of deep breaths. Okay?" I instruct gently, shifting even closer to him.
"Yeah," comes the throaty response and a wave of relief washes over me.
He's responding...it's progress!!!
"Great. Let's inhale..." I take a deep breath as i gesture for him to follow my lead and he does just that.
"Now, hold your breath. Just for a short while. Remember, you're in absolute control. You can do this," I continue, counting off on my fingers.
I fight a giggle as he struggles to hold in his breath.
"...3...2...1" I finally end the 10 second countdown.
"Now, let it all out."
Hurriedly, he exhales heavily and pants some more.
I lead him through more deep breaths till he finally comes around.
"Hi." He smiles a weak smile and I release a sigh of relief I didn't even realize I'd been holding.
Kendrick was right...he did become okay after all.
It was all finally over!
"Hi. You have no idea how relieved I am right now," I admit, amidst a nervous chuckle.
"No sh*t," He murmurs undertone.
"I'm just glad it's all over. And why's this my first time hearing about this?" I ask after a moments hesitation, genuinely curious.
I mean, Randy just doesn't come across as someone who'd have "panic attacks".
Kendrick was right....he's more likely to die from too much smoke or alcohol, not panic attacks.
So why then was this happening??
And apparently it's not even the first time?
Real creepy!
"Kendrick, you literally had just one job - to keep this from everyone!" Randy whines away, clearly very embarrassed about the fact that we all got to see him all panicky and vulnerable.
I bet he wishes the ground will just open up and swallow him whole.
Unfortunately, it can't.
"Well maybe next time don't go all panic attack-y on me in the cafeteria for the whole friggin' school to see?" comes the sarcastic reply as Kendrick inches closer to us.
Randy sighs wearily before responding.
"Sorry, man. Thank you for having my back."
"That's fine. It's all good," Kendrick mumbles, his voice devoid of any emotion.
I can't help but wonder, what's this like for him?
To always be on the lookout for Randy?
Must be exhausting.
Well, I guess when you truly love someone there's always that extra mile you'd willingly go for them.
"I'll leave you two to catch up," he tells as after a while before turning to leave.
"See you guys!" Audrey yells her goodbye over the wind and joins Kendrick.
Allen, probably still too freaked to say anything just joins them silently and they all head back towards the main school building.
I glance around nervously, trying my best to avoid Randy's gaze.
The guilt inside of me wouldn't just allow me to.
"Well...." Randy begins to say, and then pauses immediately, as though looking for the most painless way to say what we both already know.
"So," he finally continues with a deep breath.
"You've been avoiding me," he states silently, his voice filled with a mixture of hurt and confusion.
Ouchhhh!
Yeah, that hurt me more than it probably even hurts him.
But it's the truth...I have been avoiding him.
"Randy," I call him name softly, finally mustering enough courage to look him straight in the face.
"No, no," he cuts me off instantly.
"Just hear me out, Mandy," he pleads in a gentle whisper.
"Ermm, ye...yeah. Of course," I whisper my response, fidgeting nervously on the ground.
"I can understand why you've been avoiding me. You and me, we've come a long, long way, Mandy. And in just one school year we've built something I've never had before...a beautiful, functional friendship," he explains, pausing to laugh gently.
"What I mean is, I've come to know what it feels like to genuinely care for someone and to have them care for you too in the same capacity. And the last time we spoke, I risked destroying all of that, because I was insecure about something I had no business being insecure about in the first place. You're your own person, Mandy...you're free to be friends with anyone you choose and I should respect that as your friend. It's just that I feel so safe in this space, so much that for a moment I legit panicked when I saw you with Jake because I felt your friendship with him would affect ours. But I'm over that now, and I'm really sorry for being such a jerk that night."
Boyyyy!!!
Was that a mouthful or what?
Randy and his long ass speeches, right?
I listen attentively as he speaks his mind, wondering for how long exactly he'd been planning on saying all that because that totally sounded very well rehearsed.
Oh well, I guess while I was busy running around and going out of my way to avoid bumping into him he was also busy rehearsing what exactly to say should he have bumped into me.
And now, here we are, staring at each other in awkward silence.
He breaks into a tiny smile.
"I'm done now. You should probably say something."
Yes, Randy, I probably should.
Thing is, I don't know what to say.
"Honestly, I don't even know why I avoided you," I start by lying.
Well, to be fair, he did lie first.
I noticed how he went out of his way to emphatically stress on our "friendship" and honestly, I don't buy it at all.
I was there that night.
I saw how he looked at Jake.
I heard the tones in his voice when he talked to Jake.
And when he went on and on about how insecure he felt about seeing us together, it felt all but like a mere friendship as he's making it out to be.
The truth is, I only went into hiding because i didn't know what to say to him.
He didn't in clear terms say anything about having feelings for me, but the signs were all there and i couldn't dismiss them.
I was conflicted.
And I still am.
In the 3 days or so that I've avoided him, he's suddenly gone all "friend zone" mode on me?
Or maybe, it was i who was mistaken all along.
Maybe, that's all there ever was and ever will be....a beautiful, functional friendship.
Ouch!
That hurt a lot.
"I guess I was just overwhelmed by your outburst and since i didn't say much in acknowledgement of what you said, I kinda didn't know how to face you afterwards, or what to even say or do if I did," I decide to say the truth after while.
Well, half the truth at least.
"I thought as much." He dismisses it all with a shrug.
"We all good now?" He asks and I nod my agreement.
"All good!"
"Good! Because exam week's coming right up and the last thing you need is to have your mind all messed up with petty misunderstandings like these. We missed our tutorials on Monday."
I stare at him in awe....well, more like horror.
"Who are you and what have you done with Randy??" I ask in a serious tone as I narrow my eyes at him.
"Save your surprise for when I tell you that I finished answering the remaining exercises in the geometry textbook."
"You did what?" I exclaim the moment he ends his sentence, making no effort whatsoever to conceal my surprise.
"Hey, I wanted to impress you. And, judging from your expression, I think I did a pretty good job.
"You don't say," I admit, the surprised smile still plastered across my face.
"I leave you alone for 3 days and what, you turn into some mysterious maths wizard?"
"Hey, that's not reason enough for you to go MIA on me again," he teases, but I note the seriousness in his voice.
"I won't, promise," I assure him, struggling to get on my feet.
He hurriedly jumps up and stretches down his hand.
"Here, I've got you."
I grab his hand and he instantly pulls me up and straight into his arms.
"You have no idea how much I missed you, kiddo," he murmurs against my hair and I smile gently.
"Me too, Randy....me too," I admit gently, burying myself deeper into his arms, and then the next second I'm bolting out of his arms as if zapped by current.
"What's wrong?"
"Well, are we still going to continue with..."
I trail off, too embarrassed to even continue.
"With...?" He inquires with a raised brow.
"You know...with the staged relationship and all?"
Staged relationship?
Goodness, Mandy.
What are you, 50?
"Well, do you want to?" He throws the ball back in my court, his uncertainty not lost on me.
"I mean, it's just about 2 more weeks till the school year's over. We should probably just see it through and then when we resume next year everyone would've forgotten all about it," I explain lamely.
The truth is, even if it's all just pretense, I don't want it to be over quite yet.
And that's probably because even after everything, there's this tiny piece of me that still hopes for more.
And besides, we both haven't been completely honest with each other.
Deep down, we both know the truth....yet, we're so scared to admit it, even to our own selves.
"You're right. We can totally pull it off!" A relieved look takes over his face and i fight a grin.
********************************************
Happy holidays guyyyyy❤️