I stand at the foot of his bed like a creeper watching him sleep like an obsessed stalker.
A sliver of sunlight trickles in through the gap in the curtain dancing across his angelic face. The sun illuminates his dark blond hair, giving the strands a golden hue. I've never wanted to run my fingers through someone's hair so badly before until now.
The covers shift on top of him with his movements, slipping lower down his body and bunching around his hips. My tongue darts out, wetting my lips in response to my eyes feasting on his abs.
His bare chest rises and falls in a steady rhythm as soft snores emit through his parted pillowy lips.
A small smile tugs at the corners of my lips as I push away the guilt and regret beginning to blossom inside my chest.
I never intended to spew my guts and confess I still love him. I had no such plan in place, but if I did. I know it wouldn't have gone like that.
I wanted to end things with Justin before I even considered telling Alec anything. I wanted to do things the right way. I guess things never go according to plan and the hole I'm fighting to climb out of is getting deeper and more slippery. I just want to get out.
I avert my gaze in search of my discarded clothes even though it's the hardest thing to do. I spot my pile of clothes in front of the ajar door. I move slowly, quietly towards it, not wanting to wake the gorgeous specimen sleeping soundly.
I gather my clothes in my hands, my phone landing with a soft thud as it drops from my pant leg and his soft snores seize. My eyes snap to his tanned muscular chest moving in the same hypnotic rhythm from my hunched over position.
I gather my clothes and my phone, straightening to my full height. My head tilts to the side, admiring his side profile.
The hard ridges of his abs, softens with every inhale. His body is mesmerizing – addicting. If his body were a prison cell, I'd commit countless horrendous crimes for multiple life sentences.
My gaze travels to his sharp jaw dusted with his orgasm-inducing stubble. His cheekbones are littered with the lightest freckles illuminated by the sunlight. His cute nose still has a bump in the ridge from when Dustin broke it.
I see a small, faded pimple above his perfect cupid's bow lips peeking through his fanny duster – his thigh buffer.
His stubble is really neither of those.
It did wonderous things to me last night. It aided in my satisfaction as it rubbed against the most sensitive part of me. The short hairs tickled nerve endings I never even knew existed. It brought my body to life in ways I crave again.
I swear this isn't all about the sex – it's an added bonus how glorious he is in the sack. It's more than lust and wanting him based on his looks and skills.
It's about what's on the inside of him. The parts which he shows through his actions. It's about the person who is which shines through like no one's watching. It's about his heart which calls to mine in the dead of night when the stars are aligning.
It's about his soul radiating with brilliance, empathy, kindness, love, and strength.
It's about who he is on the inside not just his astounding good looks and sex-God skillset.
I admire his side profile once more as he lays there in all his handsomeness.
A warmth awakens somewhere inside of me the longer I stare at him. I can't pinpoint where it's coming from. I don't know whether it's coming from my chest or stomach or my entire body.
I kind of like it.
It feels like crawling into your bed after a long day out in the ice cold. Your feet begin to tingle with warmth slowly spreading up your legs until your entire body has warmed.
It feels like my body is vibrating on an otherworldly frequency, yet I know Alec's will match mine. I sound like a kook talking about frequencies but that's how he makes me feel.
He makes me feel as though anything is possible. He makes me feel hopeful for any and all possibilities even if I am absolutely petrified.
I'm terrified of what this means for us going forward. Will there even be an us after what I did? Is a positive future written in the stars for us?
As much as I want to believe the answer is yes. There's this doubtful nagging voice in the back of my head sadly whispering no.
Our unresolved past and our messy present is far too complicated for a potential future filled with happiness, love, and respect between us.
The bridge connecting us to each other has been burned to the ground and I doubt a new one will arise from the ashes like a mighty phoenix.
It's wishful thinking.
Perhaps in an alternate universe, things are working out for that Alec and Telana. They might've cracked the code and figured out how to overcome their tribulations together.
I might also need to stop thinking so negatively. I don't even know what today holds let alone my future.
"Are you about done staring?" His husky voice startles me, my phone taking another tumble to the hardwood floor, just missing the edge of the black rug beneath the bed.
"I ain't staring."
"I can feel your eyes on me, Lana." My name rolls off of his tongue like magic fairy dust from Tinker Bell's wings in the sexiest morning voice. It's what I imagine a wet dream to sound like if it had a sound other than moaning.
I have no answer, no comeback, and no retort. I'm busted. I've been caught in the act.
"Come 'ere," he taps the left side of his toned chest. Saving me in the process of figuring out what to say.
I want to say the same thing I always say. I can't. I should go. I really shouldn't but instead I crawl in beside him, draping my arm over his torso and resting my head against his chest.
He draws lazy patterns on my back after placing a kiss to the top of my head. I melt into his side comfortably, following the hard outline of his abs with my fingertips. I close my eyes, listening to the sound of his heart.
I subtly place my free hand in the center of my own chest, weaselling my fingers between my cleavage. I stop breathing, trying to feel my heartbeat instead of copping a feel of my breast.
It takes me a moment to feel it but when I do, I truly don't know how to react or if I should even react. I can feel my own heart beating in rhythm with his.
Unless the study was a load of bullshit.
Stop thinking, Lana. Switch off and relish in the feel of your body against his.
Don't think. Don't think. Don't think.
Ha! If only it were that easy to switch off.
I breathe in deeply reiterating don't think until it's the only two words floating colourfully inside my mind.
I throw my leg over his moving my thigh up and down. I ignore his erection like he has been doing since I don't know when and I situate my leg between his.
He gives me a tight squeeze, planting another kiss against my hairline, making me feel wholeheartedly loved.
Time seems to stand still as I'm overcome by a blissful daze which is interrupted by a blaring alarm.
"I need to get ready," he whispers in my hair, his lips brushing against my forehead.
"No," I whine, tightening my arm around him.
A deep chuckle vibrates in my ear, "I'm sorry, love but I'll fetch you in an hour."
"Five more minutes?" I peer up at him through my lashes, jutting out my bottom lip.
"We both know it ain't going to end after five minutes. C'mon," he says regretfully, slowly moving away from me. "I'll stop by to pick you up in fifty minutes."
"I'll be ready," I sigh, my feet hitting the carpeted floor. I get dressed in a daze. The same daze carrying me down the porch stairs as I bounce with giddiness and an extra pep in my step.
I float down the driveway, spinning in a circle with a silly smile curling my lips. The birds chirp a special melody for my overinflated heart overflowing with happiness. The morning sun delicately kisses my skin, warming me and chasing away the chilly morning breeze.
I unlock my phone to take a selfie, wanting to capture the way I'm feeling on camera to remember well into my eighties when I'm suffering from dementia.
Dementia isn't a joke and I'm not making it one just to be clear. My nana died from Alzheimer's. It was ugly for everyone involved. Unfortunately, she was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's at the age of fifty-five. It progressed and she died within eight years.
My daddy's never gotten over losing his mama. I don't blame him. Death of a family member, a friend, a lover, a sibling isn't something anyone just gets over. A person learns to live and function with the dull pain for the rest of their lives.
I snap a few pictures with the green hedge behind me. My smile is carefree, happy. My eyes are bluer, brighter than usual even with the unfortunate thoughts frolicking in my mind.
I close my camera and eye all the notifications on the top left corner of my screen. I swipe down my notification bar, my eyebrows furrowing at all the missed calls and urgent texts from Rachel and Justin.
"Fuck me, what now?" I mumble, my happiness dimming, my dazzling daze disappearing, an unnerving feeling settling in my gut.
I dial her number, holding my phone to my ear. It doesn't ring, her nasally voice prickling through the speaker, "hello."
"Is everything okay?" My steps slow, my bounce and pep calming.
"Telana?" Her voice cracks with an audible intake of air.
"The one and only," I clench my jaw, my pace picking up, my skin becoming clammy.
"I'm so sorry," she sobs, the sound forcing me to grind my teeth.
"For what?" I ask in a snappy tone, my breathing speeding up, my heart hammering. I near my folks' home, spotting an unfamiliar blue two door BMW.
"I–don't–know–how–to–say–this," she says between heart wrenching sobs. Each word is heavier than the last with guilt.
Warning sirens blare inside my head and the first thing which comes to mind spews from my mouth before I get the chance to analyse it or think about it. "Did you fuck my fiancé, Rachel?" I ask without missing a beat.
I have no reason to feel annoyed, betrayed or even pissed. I should be thanking her for opening my eyes to the truth but the betrayal I feel is real.
I can't feel this way – I shouldn't. I spent the night getting devoured by my husband – the husband Justin doesn't know about.
The husband I've concealed for seven years without telling a soul. I've been the most deceitful of them all.
"No!" She sputters. "I-I would n-never," she stutters.
"Wouldn't you though?" I force the fakest smile – one of those the mean girls give in movies when they're being super bitchy while pretending to be nice. I know she can't see me, but it makes me feel better.
I have no right to feel this way or to jump to conclusions. I'm being completely irrational. I cheated first. I fucked up before Justin and I even began dating. My actions have been nefarious from the get-go.
"N-No but I kissed him," she admits, her voice coated heavily with shame. "I kissed Justin last night," she says as I spot the man in question, pacing in front of our porch with a disheveled appearance. From his hair to his wrinkled baby blue tee.
I clench my jaw – remember Lana, we have no right to feel this way.
"I read the reviews of my latest fashion show, and it was horrible. I needed my best friend and he dropped everything," she sniffles. "No one's ever done that for me. He showed–"
"Did he kiss you back?" I interrupt, not wanting to hear her explanation.
"What?"
"Did. He. Kiss. You. Back?" I repeat slowly, keeping my gaze locked on a worried looking Justin who hasn't noticed me watching him.
"He did but he ended it as fast as it had begun. I'm sorry I never–" I cut the call, forcing my phone into my ass pocket.
I rub my temples, hating the betrayal I feel. I knew I should've pressed for more answers in Atlanta. I knew I should've asked more questions back in uni.
"That fashion show was amazing!" Nadia beams, dropping onto Rachel's bed in her single dorm.
"Beyond amazing, I'm so proud of you!" I embrace her. "This is only just the beginning," I whisper, kissing her cheek.
"Thank you both for coming and putting up with months of me using you guys for your bodies," she guffaws, switching off the main light and leaving the lamp on.
"That's what friends are for sweetie."
"I'm so lucky to have such phenomenal friends who put up with all my craziness."
"Like we're close to being normal," Nadia scoffs and snorts. A second of silence passes over us before we bust out laughing.
"So," I wiggle my brows, plopping down on Rachel's bright orange bed next to Nadia.
"So," she plops down on my right with a gorgeous smile.
"Tell us about Justin!" Nadia shoots forward from her lazed position. "He's smokin'!" She fans herself, my cheeks warming considerably. "And he fancies our girl," she nudges me.
"Oh," her smile drops ever so slightly. "Well, he's an amazing guy. By far the best guy I know," her eyes brighten, a soft smile dancing across her dimly lit face. "He has the kindest heart. He's gentle, kind, and goofy but he's also strong-willed and stubborn. He's funny and intelligent and he loves adventure, but he also enjoys a night in watching any genre of movie. So long as you're happy, he'll be happy. He's truly an amazing guy."
If I didn't know any better, I'd say she's in love with him. Nadia and I exchange a knowing look.
"Are you in love with him?" Nadia pipes up.
"What? Me in love with Justin? No don't be silly he's my best friend. Has been since we were five."
"Are you sure?" I ask with uncertainty.
"I think I would know if I was in love with him and I'm not. He's still the same silly boy who pushed me around the neighborhood in a wheelchair after I broke my leg when he lifted me on his bicycle. He's also the same silly boy who pushed a crying me in a swimming pool when his douche best friend crushed my heart."
"That was rude," I snicker, unintentionally ignoring the sullen look on her face and the sadness lacing with her words.
"Tell me about it," she playfully rolls her eyes, making me question my own ears and eyes. "But he's still an amazing man and you should give him a chance. He's trustworthy, fiercely loyal, compassionate, and really understanding. He's also single and has been for ages. He must really fancy you if he already asked you on a date."
Any doubt I might've had vanished with her words. I didn't think twice to question her feelings for Justin. I didn't ask the important questions or notice the subtle change in her mood.
I should've known better but the prospect of going on a date with someone new was exhilarating. The way she spoke about him piqued my interest and made me want to get to know him.
I saw the picture she painted of this amazing guy. I saw Justin through her eyes. Thinking back, it was painstakingly obvious. All the fucking signs were there! She's been in love with him most of her life I'm sure, but I couldn't see it. I think I didn't want to see it. All I could see was the picture she painted, and it excited me.
A week later she began dating a guy in one of her classes. Any residual doubt I might've had disappeared, and I went on a date with Justin after a week of texting and getting to know each other. She helped me get ready; she spoke words of encouragement when my nerves became too much.
Her and Nadia were there for me when I almost bailed on going and all that time... I was blinded. I couldn't see how she felt for him.
"Ugh!"
"Telana," his voice snaps me from my thoughts and my gaze flickers to him.
"What are you doing here, Justin?" My face screws up in anger.
"You spoke to Rachel, didn't you?" He sighs defeatedly. "Will you let me explain?"
"What's there to explain? You dropped everything to be there for her and you guys kissed," I kick a non-existent stone, pulling at a loose thread on the bottom of my tee.
"She's my best friend, Lana."
"And I was your fiancée, Justin."
"Was?" His face falls.
"I don't know what happens now," I sigh, folding my arms across my chest. "I don't know where we go from here."
"We work it out."
"You kissed her back!" I raise my voice in frustration. "I know she's in love with you and you're in love with her."
"I'm in love with you," he takes two long strides, stopping in front of me. "I love you," he cups my cheeks.
"Maybe you shouldn't love me," I take a step back, his hands dropping from my face. Rejection evident in his blue irises. I need to tell him the truth. I never thought I'd see this day but here goes nothing. "I'm married."
His face contorts in confusion, his mouth opening and closing. "What?"
"I got married when I was eighteen, shit happened, and I bolted. Two years later you and I happened, and I couldn't tell you the truth. I've been trying to divorce him ever since and the day Alfred showed up on my doorstep is the day he signed the papers." It feels so good to finally tell the truth and I should probably stop there.
Enough has been said but no not me. I personally need to hammer the final nails into our coffin. "I slept with him last night."
His gaze drops from mine. The color drains from his face, his chest rises and falls rapidly, his shaking hands clench and unclench. The silence between us is so loud. It's deafening. He takes a staggering step back, the confusion and pain plastered across his face like a haunted memory.
"Still think we can work it out?" I swallow harshly, raising a brow.
He doesn't respond, keeping his gaze on the ground. A muscle ticks in his jaw as his eyes are consumed with a dangerous fire.
His eyes snap to mine and within a second, he's cupping my face. His lips connect with mine in a breathless kiss, his tongue moving against mine with a fiery passion.
He is everything my flesh wants. He's always been everything my flesh wanted after Alec. My body reacts to his kiss, to his touch but he isn't what my soul wants.
My soul doesn't crave him the way it does Alec. My soul doesn't desire him, respond to him, or ignite the way it does with Alec.
My soul feels rejuve– tires squealing against the asphalt interrupts my thoughts and I abruptly end our kiss. I spin around only to be met with a look of pure anger, betrayal, hatred, and pain.
I stare after Alec's red truck as he speeds off down the road, my heart sinking to unbelievable depths.
Oh no.
A/N: Ooooh shit just got real! This girl is in such denial. She'd rather think about all the reasons why they can't instead of all the reasons why they can but hey, at least she finally told Justin the truth... Who saw it coming, btw? Justin and Rachel? And oh shit! Alec wasn't meant to stumble upon that scene but he did. WTF is going through the poor guy's head right about now?😨
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