I was the only one left on the tour bus one afternoon. After spending the night in Jack's bunk again, I decided I needed a quiet moment away from all the chaos. The sun filtered through the heavily tinted windows, casting a warm glow on the couch I was sitting on. I was huddled up in a corner with my knees up to my chest. The bus was quiet when there was nobody around and the engine was switched off. But it was a welcome silence.
Almost all of my life, I had been an active social media user, sharing bits and pieces of my life, my music, and my friends. My first post on Instagram at the age of thirteen could still be found if you scrolled all the way down. It was a little diary. But since Jack and I had decided to go public with our relationship – well, mostly – I had been avoiding the comment section like the plague. I knew how harsh the internet could be and I didn't want it to drag me down.
But, that day, for some reason, I had this sudden urge to check it out. Maybe it was because I was having a lazy quiet morning, or maybe the curiosity became too strong. So, I opened the Instagram app and went straight to the 'notifications' tab.
The first few notifications were much like the old ones I was used to: people liking my photos, some comments about my music, and general questions. But as I continued to scroll, I started to regret my decision. They all seemed to focus on one thing: my relationship with Jack.
Isn't she a bit young for him?
I can't believe she's dating someone that much older.
One year anniversary? How old is she?
She's just with him for the fame.
The comments went on and on. All harsh and judgemental. Even my DM requests weren't any better. My heart sunk further and further as I read every single one of them. I had known that this would have likely been the reaction, that our relationship would have raised some eyebrows. But reading these comments stung more than I could have anticipated.
I opened a DM from Lilly, the fan I had met when I had surprised Jack at a show. At least she was well meaning and tried to warn me about all the negativity in the comments. She assured me that there were many people who supported us as well and told me not to let the haters get to me.
But it was hard. It took all the strength I didn't have to put my phone down. I knew I couldn't ignore my social media forever. This was going to have to happen someday. I just hadn't expected it to happen that day, even though it was my own fault that it did.
I considered turning my phone off, but got a message from Jack before I could do so, as if he knew something was up.
Jack: Hey, where you at?
I sighed and got up. As much as I would have liked to, I couldn't stay on the bus forever. I actually had responsibilities.
Me: Still on the bus, I'll be right there.
I stepped out into the cooler October air and made my way into the venue. Luckily, this venue was on the slightly smaller side. I could find the shared dressing room in no time. Inside, Jack and the rest of the band minus Zack were hanging out. They were having some kind of discussion quoting movies.
Jack's eyes lit up when he saw me. "Hey, there she is!"
His voice was warm and affectionate and he even shifted up to make some space on the couch next to him. But I just gave him a quick peck on the lips and walked past to grab myself a bottle of water from the table on the far end of the room.
"Everything alright?" Alex asked me, also noticing the low mood I was feeling.
I almost told them what idiotic thing I had done on the bus, but I held myself back. Instead, I nodded softly and gave a small smile.
"I think I'm just exhausted. The tour's finally catching up to me," I gave as an excuse as I walked back.
I finally sat down in the spot Jack had created for me. My body wanted to follow muscle memory and lean into him. But I stopped myself before I did. Instead, I just pulled my phone out of my pocket, giving myself more space to sink into the couch. The phone resided on top of my leg instead, the screen down, taunting me.
I let the discussion from earlier resume next to me, but I didn't join in. I didn't even know the movies they were talking about. Jack had promised me that we'd watch a few sometime, but we never got to it. I just hadn't grown up watching the same movies on video or DVD. Luckily nobody really seemed to mind that I was checked out of the conversation. They were too busy having fun to worry.
Eventually, my phone vibrated. I was almost afraid to check it, scared that I'd be confronted with yet another comment. However, I also knew that those notifications would never come past the tab on the app. They hadn't been on my lock screen ever since my notifications went further than just a few friends liking and commenting.
I carefully picked the phone up and saw a text from my dad. All he had sent was a simple photo that was less simple at second glance. I couldn't help but snort at the bouquet of dark red roses in a glass vase on his kitchen counter.
"What's up?" Jack asked, wanting to know what had 'distracted' me.
I turned my phone slightly so he could see the photo as well and explained, "my mom always sends my dad roses on the date their divorce finalised."
"Huh."
"Pretty messed up, if you ask me."
He frowned as he inspected the picture for a bit longer. "Why does she do that?"
"You've seen my mom." I shrugged as I quickly sent a text to my dad involving an eye roll emoji. "There aren't many rational thoughts that go into her decisions."
"I guess it's kind of sweet?" Alex added in, leaning forward to look at me.
I raised an eyebrow. "Is it?"
"Yeah, kind of like a little 'thinking of you'."
I shook my head. It was hard to explain the complexities behind my relationship with my mom. I hadn't even been able to fully get Jack in the loop about it all. She was my mom and I loved her, but she pissed me off to new extents everytime and I had learned to never take things at face value with her.
"It's a statement, not a thoughtful gesture," I told them.
There was a brief moment of silence, the weight of my mom's peculiar actions hanging in the air. I could tell Alex was just trying to see the bright side, but there was none. It was hard to truly understand the dynamics of my family if you hadn't lived through it. I was just glad Ben didn't have to grow up the same way.
"You know what? I'll be right back," I sighed and stood up, deciding I needed some more time alone.
As I left the room, my thoughts were still on my mom. Sometimes I just wished she was like a 'normal' mother. Of course, the way she was had shaped me into who I was today, but it would have been nice to have somebody to turn to with all those Instagram comments on my mind. There were a lot of things I could talk to my dad about, but some things would have been better for a mother. Calling her would only make the situation worse.
I didn't even notice that Jack quickly followed me out.
"Jacie," he stopped me, gently reaching out to touch my arm. Once I turned around, he continued, "seriously, what's up?"
"Nothing," I lied again.
"You know I don't believe that."
I exhaled. Not long before, I was the one trying to get Jack to not ignore me and to talk to me instead, and now I was doing the same thing to him. Hypocrite much? The worried look behind his eyes was enough to break me.
"I fucked up," I stated.
He frowned and let his touch drop from my arm. "How so?"
I confessed, "I checked my Instagram notifications."
"Jacie..."
"I know," I practically seethed at my own stupidity. "I told you I fucked up."
Jack didn't even need an explanation to know what I meant. "Jace, you mean everything to me. Those comments are just people trying to be mean. But none of what they say matters."
"I love you too, but it's just so frustrating."
"Don't let them get to you," he told me with all honesty, "all that matters is what we feel for each other."
I let him pull me into a hug. Although I personally had avoided being too close to him, this hug felt so good. It was warm, he smelt like soap, the pressure on my skin felt comforting. It didn't make everything better. The comments still got to me, but having Jack there made it a bit more bearable.
Still in our embrace, he whispered, "maybe now's not the right time, but I was actually hoping to talk today."
"About?" I looked up at him, breaking out of the trace the hug had put me in.
"Living arrangements."
"Oh, right."
He elaborated, "we should know what we want to do."
I nodded in agreement. It wasn't long until this tour was ending and it was our unofficial deadline. After this, we were going to have to go on with our lives.
"I want you to know that my apartment is always open to you." He smiled and pressed a kiss to the top of my head.
"I love the idea of living with you," I responded, slowly removing my arms from his body, "but I don't think it's fair to you. I only moved out of my dad's a few months ago. Hazel and I have literally been figuring things out as we go. I can't expect you to deal with that."
He shrugged as he also let me go. "I mean, we practically live together already."
"I know, and I love that. I don't want that to change. But we won't have long before you're gone again and this time I won't be coming along. I don't want to move in just to be in an empty apartment. Maybe it would be nice to stay with Hazel for a bit longer."
"I do like the idea of you not being completely alone when I'm gone," he said thoughtfully
"Also, my lease won't end for a few more months..." I gave as another excuse, and wiggled my eyebrows for my next thought. "but after that..."
Jack grinned widely and guided my lips towards his.