Occasionally spending the night and day in the van with my band instead of on All Time Low's tour bus did Jack and I good. The distance helped us realise how much we just wanted to be with each other. Every time we'd be in the same place again was like a long awaited reunion. Granted, it had only been a few hours, but it felt like a lifetime.
Usually, we'd be waiting for each other either outside the meeting point – generally the venue – or inside one of the green rooms. But this time, after a particularly long journey and a restless night in one of the backseats, I couldn't find him in either location. The tour bus was definitely outside, I had encountered Zack at some point, and I had spotted their items lying around.
But there was no Jack. Not even a text letting me know what was going on.
I was fully capable of being by myself, but it felt so foreign after we had been inseparable for so long. The most concerning thing was that he hadn't let me know anything. If I just knew he was busy, then I wouldn't have cared. We had our own things to do as well. But this just felt a little out of the blue.
I checked my phone again after half an hour of searching. Maybe there was something I had missed. Maybe he had mentioned it the evening before. But there was nothing in our old messages and nothing new. I started to feel a mixture of worry and frustration. He knew how important communication was to me.
I decided to text him first, keeping it light and fun despite my growing unease.
Me: Hey, where are you hiding? I miss you
I hit send and waited for a response, hoping it would come soon. But the seconds ticked by and there was no reply.
I sighed and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe his phone was dead or he was actually super busy and unable to check his phone. I figured somebody had to know about his whereabouts, so I went back to All Time Low's dressing room which was now no longer empty. Both Alex and Zack were inside, the latter looking for clothes to change into, and the former playing a video game on the couch.
"Hey guys," I greeted them, trying to keep my tone casual. "Have either of you seen Jack?"
"Not recently," Alex responded, not taking his eyes off the screen in front of him. "He was here earlier but haven't seen him since."
So that must have meant I just missed him. When I was there earlier, there was nobody to be found. I was afraid it was going to be a day of cat chasing mouse. This venue was relatively big and there were so many places he could be.
"He's been kind of reserved and elusive today," Zack added, not helping the unrest I was feeling, "we figured he was with you."
I shook my head, holding tightly onto my phone in case I would miss it buzz. "I haven't seen him since yesterday. I'll keep looking around. Let me know if you see him?"
As they told me they would, I left to continue my search again. At least that was one room covered for a while. I checked out other empty rooms, side stage, the actual stage, more rooms, and even the bathrooms. But he either wasn't inside the venue or he was amazing at being wherever I wasn't.
My last resort was to go outside and check if he went out to get some fresh air. The heavy door closed behind me, but he was nowhere to be seen around the back. I even decided to risk it and check at the front entrance. He usually didn't stop to talk to anybody there, but maybe today was different.
There were already a handful of fans waiting outside, some ready to go in for soundcheck while others were waiting for general admission. Only one person noticed me having a snoop around. Still, when I made eye contact with them, the residence of the rings against my chest felt more present than ever.
I slipped away again, trying to convince myself that everything was okay, that I'd at least know where he was when he was set to do his soundcheck. So, I entered the venue again, feeling defeated. He still hadn't seen my message and there wasn't much I could do anymore. I couldn't go running around for hours searching for him.
Once I was back inside, I found a crew member walking in the opposite direction. It couldn't hurt to ask.
"Hey, have you seen Jack?" I asked her, knowing my question was probably going to get me nowhere.
But she actually had an answer. "I saw him like five minutes ago. Don't know where he went, though."
"Okay, thanks." I forced a smile and continued on my way.
So he was somewhere inside. But he was either too busy or wanted nothing to do with me. At least I knew he was safe.
With the new feeling that I wasn't wanted, I made my way back to my dressing room. If he didn't want to be found, then there was no point in searching for him. So, instead, I pulled out my laptop when I got in the room and found some work to do and movies to watch.
I could even swear that I saw Jack pass by in the corner of my eye while I was watching something. But he was too fast and didn't stop. It could have just as well been somebody that looked like a shadow of him.
It wasn't until two hours later that I finally heard something again.
Alex: Found him.
A sense of relief flowed through me just knowing that somebody knew his whereabouts. Alex texted me his location and I quickly went down the hallway to a room I knew was being used for the storage of some equipment. Once there, I saw Alex standing at the open door, talking to Jack, who had found a black leather couch hidden amongst the large worn boxes.
When Jack's eyes fell on me, he looked like a deer caught in headlights. There was shock spread across his face, like he hadn't expected to see me here. So much for the positive thoughts I had been desperately trying to hold onto.
"Jack," I exhaled, a little taken aback that he was actually right in front of me.
"I'll leave you two." Alex pulled his lips in a straight line and took a step away, letting me into the room before he disappeared.
"Jack," I repeated as I walked closer to him, "what's going on?"
His eyes stayed on me. The shock had worn off and was replaced with guilt and sadness. He went to say something but stopped himself. Instead, he pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned back into the frayed backrest.
"You know that you can talk to me, right?" I said softly as I slowly sat down next to him.
He lowered his hand and sighed heavily, staring at the ceiling. "I know... it's just– it's just hard, Jacie."
"What is?"
"Everything."
I put my hand comfortingly on his leg.
He let his gaze fall on me again. "You know I love you, right?"
"Of course I do," I frowned, worried about what he could be worrying about.
"I just needed some time to think."
"Oh." I wanted to let him know that ignoring me wasn't the way to do it, but now didn't seem like the right time to share my burdens.
"A lot's been going on and it's been hard to process it all."
I gently stroked his leg with my thumb, keeping my attention on every word he said.
"It's just–" he continued, looking for the right words to use, "this whole keeping it a secret thing. It's so hard to keep it all internalised. I thought I could do it. We've hidden our relationship before. But, fuck, Jacie, marriage is a big thing."
"I get it." I tried to give a supportive smile. Hell, if I didn't know it was a big thing.
"You've told Hazel. You've got somebody to talk about it with. I've just got you. And I love you, I really do, but sometimes you've got to talk to somebody else."
"Do you have somebody you'd like to tell?" I asked him, hoping there was somebody that he was willing to trust. "Anybody at all."
He was silent for a while, thinking about who he felt safe with. Once he made up his mind, his choice was clear. "My sister."
"Okay," I accepted.
He seemed surprised that I was giving in so easily. But I wasn't giving in. I knew this was important. He was 100% right. If I hadn't called Hazel that first day, I probably would have imploded. Yes, this was something Jack and I had to figure out together, but that didn't mean talking to somebody else didn't help. Just having Hazel to unload on if needed was a thought that helped me.
"Do you want to call her now?" I suggested.
He shrugged with uncertainty. "I could probably try."
"Would you like me to stay or give you some privacy?"
"Stay while I tell her," he told me with confidence and then added, "and give me some time to talk to her alone afterwards."
I nodded and let him pull his phone out of his pocket. He seemed nervous as he scrolled through his contacts. There was a moment of hesitation on his end as his thumb hovered over his sister's name. I gave him a gentle nudge, to which he finally started calling her number.
It didn't take long until a female voice picked up. "Hey, Jack!"
"Hey, May," he replied with less enthusiasm.
"What's up? How's everything going?"
"Things are going good..." He stalled. I gave him a look to continue, to bite the bullet. "Listen, May, I need to tell you something."
"What's going on?"
"You remember Jacie, right?"
"As if I remember her. You won't shut up about her."
Jack blushed a little, but I couldn't help but smile. It was nice to know he had been talking about me. I slowly inched my hand towards his on his lap, letting the tips of our fingers intertwine as I gave him more support.
"Well, okay, just– before I tell you. Can you promise me you won't tell mom and dad? At least not yet."
"Jack, you're scaring me."
"We got married two weeks ago." Weight visibly lifted from Jack's shoulders.
"Holy crap, Jack! What?!"
"We were out celebrating our anniversary in Vegas. And things just happened."
"What do you mean they 'just happened'?"
"There was a bit of alcohol involved and neither of us can really remember, but it happened."
"Jack–"
"We've been figuring it out since then. Things have been good so far."
"They've been good?" She carefully double checked, sounding hopeful.
"Yes," he looked at me with a loving smile before shifting his gaze back ahead of him, "but, shit, May, things have been crazy."
"I can imagine."
I took this as my queue to leave. The hard part was done, now he just needed to vent about whatever was on his mind. Maybe it wasn't even venting, maybe it was just saying the words out loud to somebody who wasn't us.
I stood up, careful not to make too much sound, and pressed a kiss to his head before taking my exit.