Tribeca, New York
Mrs. Romano knew her husband was dead. Not because the police had notified her, but because the man she gave the little boy back to told her that her husband was most likely dead.
"He took Cowboy's kid," he said
"And Cowboy's gonna do what Cowboy's got to do,"
The truth was that Mrs. Romano wanted her husband to die. The stupid prick had engaged in illegal activities for not only most of their marriage but most of their lives together. She was getting old, much like Carlos Mancini, and grew tired of the constant anxiety and stress that crime life bestowed upon their families. Jimmy Jr. was dead, Jimmy Sr. was dead, she was sure of it. She wouldn't tell the police about what the man who took the small blonde boy said.
She would be a widow.
A normal widow.
Thank, god.
When the police did arrive, she expected it - Marcos wasn't around to take the brunt of the conversation about Jimmy but he refused to be. He took off somewhere to instate New York.
"Mrs. Romano, we're sorry to inform you that your husband is dead"
Words that she couldn't wait to hear. She was able to act shocked and grieved enough to fool the detectives and police when they came to the door. If Cowboy had killed her husband, he deserved it. He should've let things go and he didn't. He paid the price for that. But her family wouldn't. All she knew is that the little boy Jimmy brought to their home was only a child, maybe five years old. He didn't deserve to be taken from his home.
Her husband's death was still under investigation, but she had a feeling that they weren't going to rush on that, considering all of his priors. New York State would be a better place without her husband in it.
She hadn't spoken to Carlos Mancini, but she didn't have to. She knew that they were on the same level of understanding. Finally, things would be over. There would be no more war. There would be no more drugs.
When she was asked if she had any idea who could've done this, she lied and told them she hadn't the slightest clue but that Jimmy Sr, had many enemies and it could have been any of them.
Finally, Mrs. Romano could live her life in peace.
*****
Mill Street Bar, New Jersey
December 15th
8:25 pm
"It ain't gonna be that bad, Cowboy - you used to do this all the time in Montana," Renegade put an encouraging hand on Austin's shoulder
"Just do it like ya did then,"
Austin swallowed, his blue eyes moving with the uneasiness in his throat.
"That was there, Ren - nobody knew me, now I got half the old Vandals in the bar and a bunch of people we know..."
"Cowboy," Ren interjects firmly
"You're a good musician, ya love music just about as much as ya love bikes, I know you do, just feel the music, man - let everything else wash away, didn't the Doobie Brothers say that? Listen to the music..." he teases
Austin pushed his long golden waves out of his face and nodded with a sink of his cheeks, grasping the neck of his guitar before picking it up.
"You've been through it, brother - let it out,"
Another nod from Austin as he slings the black Martin Guitar strap over his back.
"Wish y/n could be here, she'd be a calming source for me you know," Austin fiddled with the fretboard and played mindlessly as the echoes of the last band exited.
"She wanted to be, she got stuck with a table of 20 for a Christmas Party," Ren reminded him
Austin's mouth twisted
"It'll be just fine, I'll sit close to the front with the rest of the boys, you're home, Cowboy, you're better - and there ain't no problems anymore, you can be yourself here,"
Austin yanked Renegade into a tight one-armed hug, slapping the leather of his jacket before moving to the side of the stage.
"We have a new act tonight," the owner tells the audience
"He's gonna do a few covers for us, give a nice round of applause for Cowboy,"
Austin let out a breath and clunked his black boots across the wood stage, unable to see with the lights and smoke from cigarettes.
Austin sat on the stool in the middle of the stage and hauled his guitar up, leaning in.
"Can we adjust the lights a bit?"
He watched the bulbs turn and saw the first few rows of people seated.
"Thank you," his low voice came before moving the microphone up further.
Austin scratched the stubble on his jaw and lowered his hand to the strings, strumming.
The notes came out in a warble that made the mic squeak a bit before his hand tuned it, picking up and down with a shy laugh.
"Bit rusty," he chuckled, sitting up straighter.
He closed his eyes and played again, letting his wrist switch to the music.
"Oh life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me"
Austin kept his lips close to the mic, eyelashes fluttering downward when they opened to look at the crowd
"The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes"
"Oh no I've said too much..."
"I set it up..."
Austin met eyes with Renegade who nodded reassuringly.
"That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion"
"Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it"
He took a breath
"Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough..."
"I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing"
Austin's voice strengthened, evenly pushing in its tenor.
"I think I thought I saw you try..."
"Every whisper, of every waking hour
I'm choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool..."
"Oh no I've said too much..."
"..I set it up"
"Consider this..."
"Consider this the hint of the century"
"Consider this the slip..."
"That brought me to my knees, failed
What if all these fantasies come..."
"Flailing around
Now I've said too much..."
"I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try..."
"But that was just a dream
That was just a dream..."
"Dream..."
Austin strummed on the guitar, fading the song out with a twang of his fingers on the frets.
"Thank you so much,"
The audience applauded, the Vandals in the front louder than the rest.
"Been a while since I've played in front of an audience," Austin's low voice was breathy, fingers pulling the mic closer
"But it's like riding a bike, right?" He chuckled
Austin lifted his Coors from the floor and took a swig of it, exhaling into the mic.
The lights dimmed a little, and the faces in the audience became clearer.
"I've had a pretty rough few years," Austin admits
"And I think music really helped me in a time that I thought nothing would," Austin looked down, tuning his guitar as a stray wave fell into his eyes.
"This song got me through some shit," he laughs, strumming again
"I hope you like it,"
"If you could only see the way she loves me..." Austin sang
"Then maybe you would understand.."
"Why I feel this way about our love,"
"And what I must do..."
Austin caught Renegade holding his phone out of the corner of his eye and saw a flash of your face on the screen, clapping - he had FaceTimed you, so you could see him play.
"If you could only see how blue
Her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me..."
Austin strummed harder
"Well you got your reasons
And you got your lies
And you got your manipulations
They cut me down to size..."
"Sayin' you love but you don't
You give your love but you won't..." Austin vocalized painfully, inhaling
"If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do..."
"If you could only see how blue
Her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me..."
"Seems the road less traveled
Shows happiness unraveled
And you got to take a little dirt
To keep what you love
That's what you gotta do..."
"Give your heart when you can
If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do.."
"If you could only see how blue
Her eyes can be when she says...."
Austin closed his eyes
"When she says she loves me,"
The audience applauded, his friends hooting and hollering in the front row.
"Yeah, Cowboy!"
"Thank you, I'll uh-"
Austin adjusted the mic as he stood up
"I'll see you guys next week, thank you," he put his hands together and bowed, taking the guitar strap off to jump to the floor where Renegade was standing.
Austin looked down and saw he'd put his phone away.
"She wanted to stay on, but she made me keep it right on you so she could watch you," Ren tells him
"Her boss came and she hung up,"
"I'm just glad she was here," Austin says, pulling his beer to his lips to take another swig
Austin laid his guitar against the wall at the corner of the room and talked to his friends, Grey Henley rolled up with his tattoo showing.
The rose and skull had faded a bit, but the scrawl with the name Cowboy in bold letters was still dark across his forearm.
He cracked up and drank beers with his boys, Austin couldn't remember the last time he felt like there was nothing to worry about.
Even the kids were happily asleep at home with Loretta.
You were working, going to therapy separately to get through your individual issues. Austin finally felt okay. The Romanos were taken care of, the Mancinis weren't coming.
He let out a sigh of relief and a jovial laugh thinking about it, taking a hard swig of his fourth beer as the music played in the smoky run-down bar he met you in, 7 years ago.
Austin's mind was starting to haze with intoxication as he swayed outside with a cigarette in his mouth, leaning against the brick wall facing the road.
"Cowboy?"
Austin turned in the direction of the female's voice and blinked to bring her face into clear vision.
"You've gotta be shitting me, is that you? Cowboy?"
When the woman's face eventually came into focus Austin's heart quelled, cigarette hanging looser until it dropped.
"Didn't think I'd ever see your handsome face again,"
*****
New Jersey
18 years ago
"We already run this part of Jersey!"
Renegade is standing on top of his beat-up Chevy, speaking loud and prideful to the dozen Vandals below him.
"And we take more territory from the veterans every day!" He shouts, met with a roar of applause.
"With me as your president, and Cowboy as your vice, we won't do you no wrong! We're a family!" Renegade exclaimed
The Vandals cheer and holler as Ren steps down, taking a swig from the open 40oz before passing it to Cowboy.
Austin's face is smooth in its youthful complexion, clean-shaven with plush pink lips as he drinks.
He purses his wet lips together and shifts his bright blue eyes to Ren with a smirk.
"Glad you're here with me, brother," Ren says
Austin shoves his golden blonde hair away and laughs lightly, slanting against the back of the truck.
"Wouldn't wanna be anywhere else, Ren,"
Renegade shoulders him and lights a joint, eyeing the others smoke and talk in groups around them.
"So what happened with Rebecca?" Ren asks
Austin's cheeks redden before he clenches his jaw, shaking his head.
"Went on a date with her, took her for a movie," his mid-range voice says
"Asked her to come back with me to the meet we had, you know," Austin sighs and takes the joint from Ren's fingers, pulling it between his lips.
"She said her parents wouldn't approve of me," he exhales the smoke and leans heavier, crossing his legs with a tap of his boot.
"She was a good girl anyway," Ren dismisses, taking the stub back
"I don't like the girls that try to date me," Austin confesses with a breath
"More girls try to date you than me," Ren puts the joint out and takes another swig
"Not all of us are blonde, blue-eyed heartthrobs," Ren jokes
Austin moves his mouth and looks down, playing with the fray of his leather jacket sleeve.
"Sometimes I wish I looked more rough, you know? Like the rest of you guys, I feel like nobody takes me seriously,"
Renegade looked at Austin with an amused expression.
"So you're upset because you're good-looking? Shut the hell up," he hisses, taking another swig
"Nah, it's just.." Austin trails, looking across the parking lot
"I feel like I'm pretty, and that girls don't want pretty...."
"Yes they do," Ren rolled his eyes
"You kidding me? Do you know how many of our friends ask for your number? I mean I don't give it to them but I thought Rebecca was a nice girl for ya," Ren watched Austin blink and turn his face away.
"Well her parents don't want me seein' her," Austin says
"They don't know...Cowboy," Ren lowered his voice
Austin looked at his peers with a solemn expression and shifted his gaze to Ren again
"I'm the only one in this group, that hasn't.."
"That don't mean nothin' you're just waiting for the right gal,"
Austin nodded, swallowing.
"I know some have tried but you're adamant to find a wife or some shit," Ren laughed
"Not a wife, just ... the right girl,"
A rumble pulled their gaze to the south side of the parking lot as a large group of veterans pulled in.
"Shit," Renegade tucked the 40oz into the car and watched them ride in, stopping 10 feet away from them.
"Well if it isn't the high school motorcycle club," Bruce guffawed, getting off his Harley
Renegade glared at him as he approached.
"This is our parking lot, little boy - now take your girlfriend elsewhere," Bruce's face was an inch from Renegade's
"This is a public space," Ren said, boring back
"And Cowboy is a better man than half your club,"
Austin stood with a fist clenched, keeping a rough demeanour as Bruce turned to look at him.
"Cowboy, huh? Shouldn't you be modelling for Abercrombie or something, pretty boy?"
Austin's anger bubbled in his throat, face reddening.
"What's the matter, sweetheart? You can't defend yourself?"
Austin's nostrils flared when Renegade pushed his hand to Bruce's chest.
"I'm warning you, old man, you leave my friend alone,"
"Or what, Renegade?"
"He can speak for himself, can't ya, Cowboy?" He emphasized the final word, watching the redness in Austin's face increase
Austin shoved Bruce forcefully with both hands, breathing laboured with rage in his chest.
"Come on, you gonna hit me? Do it right,"
"Bruce for fucks sake, leave the boy alone,"
A red-headed woman approached from behind him, tugging his leather sleeve.
Austin shifted his eyes to hers and pulled his eyebrows together.
Her brown eyes held kindness and empathy as she jerked Bruce back further.
"He's just a kid,"
"No, I'm not!" Austin reacted with a raised voice
"I'm a man! and I'm tired of people telling me who I am!"
She looked back at him with a soft expression, moving her eyes to Bruce again.
"Come on, let's go,"
Bruce ambled back and gave another look to Renegade and Cowboy, straddling his bike again.
The red-headed woman climbed on behind him and held his waist.
Bruce revved his bike and tore out of the parking lot with the rest of his club trailing behind.
"Who was that?" Austin didn't look at Renegade when he asked
"Her kutte said Andrea, that's his wife I think," Ren replied
Austin swallowed and looked in the direction they left, pulling a cigarette out.
*****
"You know I shouldn't be serving you, Cowboy," the bartender told him
"Well I ain't gonna tell anyone," Cowboy protested
"I'll lose our liquor license if I serve you, kid - I'm sorry,"
Austin sighed and swung from the bar stool, making his way to the exit.
"He knows he ain't gonna get in trouble, nobody actually cares,"
Austin veered around to see the woman from yesterday, sitting at the far table with her girlfriends.
Austin scanned her hand as it slid a beer to the empty seat beside her
"Shit or get off the pot, Cowboy," she smirked
Austin cleared his throat and plunked next to her, taking a sip of the foamy beer.
"I'm sorry about Bruce," she tells him, inclining her head to her girlfriends to notify them she wanted some privacy.
"It's alright.." Austin took another drink, watching them leave.
"Thanks for the beer,"
"You looked like you could use one," she commented, flicking her hair over her shoulder.
"Andrea," she put her hand out and Austin took it, shaking
"Cowboy,"
"Where you from, Cowboy?"
Austin glanced at her and sipped, shaking his head.
"Nowhere,"
The corner of her mouth lifted
"Me too,"
Their eyes connected for a moment and Cowboy felt a flutter of attraction fill his chest.
"If you ever feel like you don't belong," she says, taking a sip of her beer
"Just know that we all feel that way,"
Austin's eyes moved curiously over her, exhaling.
"I don't think I've ever felt like I belong anywhere," he concedes
"None of us do,"
There was a moment of silence when Austin held the beer firmer, chugging more of it back.
"Easy, Cowboy, I don't need you spewing on me," she laughed
"I can hold my liquor," he tells her, setting the empty glass down
Andrea orders a few more rounds as the bar starts to empty, reaching the late hours.
Austin finishes his 3rd pint and doesn't feel how drunk he is until he has to stand up to go to the bathroom.
Andrea watches him and laughs, following with her eyes as he stumbles into the door.
When they exit the bar, Austin lights a smoke, leaning against the wall to keep himself up.
"You seem like you've been through a lot," Andrea says, inhaling her own cigarette
"Like you've witnessed a lot,"
Austin doesn't reply, looking at the cement that's getting increasingly warped with his inebriation.
The only thing Cowboy knew was that this woman was kind to him and that she was beautiful, albeit older; but beautiful. His drunk mind didn't consider anything else.
"You-" Austin sways
"I like the way you talk to me,"
"Like I'm a man,"
She chuckles and taps her cigarette
"You are a man,"
"Thought I was just a kid," he provided
"We both know you're more than that,"
Austin didn't see her step further into him but he felt it, looking down at her with a dry throat.
"Has anyone ever told you how stunning you are?" she asked
Austin scoffed into a nervous laugh
"Sometimes,"
"You better go home Cowboy, or I'll be coming with you,"
Austin lifted his hand to her face and held it, raising the other to slide up the back of her shirt.
"What if I want you to come with me?" he asks
"You're drunk, Cowboy,"
"And you're pretty," he closed the space and bent down to kiss her mouth.
When she kissed back, she tugged his face harder and felt him slide his hand further up her shirt, pulling her flush to his tall body.
Austin was rising erect against her, causing her to shove his chest and step back, breathing heavily.
"We shouldn't be doin' this," she pants
Austin is breathlessly gazing back at her, reaching to feel her skin again.
"I am very attracted to you," he whispers
It only takes one more aroused fix of his blue eyes go get her to pull him back to her. She kisses him fervently, pushing him into the brick of the bar. Austin clutches the back of her head and kisses deeper, lacing his fingers into her hair.
"Mmm, mmm, we better stop," she mutters on his mouth
"I want you," he breathes
"Come home with me,"
*****
4 months later
18 years ago
"Oh god, if you don't stop I'm gonna cum right here,"
Austin held his head settled between her legs, stroking her thighs.
"Bruce expected me home an hour ago,"
Austin drove both hands up her hips, clasping.
"I haven't seen you all week," Austin says, flicking his tongue
"I missed you,"
Andrea arched into his mouth and groaned, holding his hair tighter.
"Cowboy, I've gotta go, baby,"
Austin closed his eyes and lapped, burying his face deeper.
"Oh darlin', don't do me like this," her hips thrust into his face and he stilled them with his palms, tasting.
"Please, I have to go,"
Andreas phone rang in her purse again
She pushed Austin's head and pulled her panties up, searching for her skirt.
"Seriously?" Austin rose and relaxed himself into the leather seat, wiping his mouth.
"It's bad enough," Andrea says, searching through her purse
"That I am sleeping with a 20-year-old,"
Austin watched her with an amused expression, chewing his lower lip.
"But you're a biker in a rival gang of my husbands, and I am almost 16 years older than you,"
Austin tilted his head to look at her, grazing her hair back.
"I don't care," he drew a breath
"Cowboy... please, you know I can't resist you," she allows him to pull her into his body and exhales into it, feeling his soft jaw on her cheek
"I don't care how old you are," Austin's fingers caress the back of her head
"I love being with you,"
She kisses him again, feverishly, sensing his hands grip her closer.
"I thought maybe we could go to the next town," Austin kisses her again
"So I can take you on a real date," he suggests
"No, Cowboy, no"
"People would look at us funny, and you know it,"
Austin shook his face and held hers
"I don't care, I don't care about any of that, I love you,"
Andrea pulled back with panic on her face
"What? No, you can't be saying that to me,"
"You can't say that to me, I've gotta go,"
"Andrea..." Austin's hands made an effort to pull her back into him but she unlocked the door, staggering out.
"Andrea!"
Austin scrambled out and pursued her back to her car, stuttering with apprehension
"No, I - I didn't mean, no, don't go-"
"You-you can't just leave me, everybody leaves me-" he begs
Austin threw his hands down at his sides and looked back at her in defeat, distress clouding his features.
"We aren't serious, to me, this can't be anything, -" she whispers
"Andrea... what are you saying? What are you saying to me? This connection is genuine and you can try to push it away but you know just as well as I do that it's real," Austin pursued harder and she pushed him away from her.
"This isn't profound love" she says
"It can't be, I'm married - I'm married and you're just a kid, you don't know what love is,"
"Kid?" Austin's wounded blue eyes stared back at her
"But- you," Austin took her wrists
"You said I was a man, you made me feel like a man- I don't understand," Austin's voice grew slight
"I've gotta go,"
"Andrea!" He pleaded, but she broke away and got into her car.
"Andrea!" Austin slapped his hand on the car until it drew down the pane and dropped.
"I love you,"
*****
Present Day
Mill Street Bar
10:45 pm
"Andrea?"
"Jesus Christ, you're a grown man now,"
Austin's face couldn't be more unnerved if he tried, even drunk.
Seeing Andrea made him sick to his stomach, and angry. So irate he had to walk away without saying a word.
"I know I don't deserve anything from you," Andrea followed him to the other side of the bar doors
"I can't tell you how sorry I am, I never got a chance to-"
"I was a kid, Andrea," Austin's eyes met hers.
"I was 20 years old when you took advantage of me,"
"Well, I didn't see it like that," she flitted her hand
"That's not what that was!" She urged
"There was a mutual attraction and we explored it, but I was wrong for what I did to you and my husband,"
There is wear of wrinkles around her mouth and eyes from years of stress, the roots of her red hair held grey strands.
"You don't get it," Austin snapped
"You took advantage of me, while you were married, as an almost 40-year-old woman," his eyes bore into hers
"You were the adult, you,"
"Cowboy..."
"No,"
"I was in love with you, and you should have never had that relationship with me, you have no idea what it did to me,"
Andrea doesn't say anything, gazing back at him with hurt in her eyes.
"You don't get to tell me what you did to me," Austin whispers
"There you are!"
Austin turned to see you standing with your leather jacket over your work uniform, tilting your head.
*****
Austin looked a little drunk, but mostly he looked angry and when your eyes moved to the older woman beside him, you were filled with perplexity.
"Aus?"
Austin's face softened when he stepped toward you, taking your hands into his.
"My love,"
"I have something to deal with right now, and I will tell you everything," he lifts both of your hands to his lips and kisses them
"I'll meet you inside,"
"But-" You look past him to her and meet eyes with him again.
"Baby," his voice is pale, and you can smell the beer on his breath.
"I'll meet you inside,"
You look at the woman again and nod, cupping his face in your palm.
"Okay,"
You pulled his jaw and kissed his mouth, releasing him to turn and walk into the bar, giving him one last look.
*****
Andreas eyes dropped to Austin's hand, seeing his wedding ring.
"Married yourself, now,"
"We shouldn't have anything to do with one another," Austin says
"I don't want you around this bar, and I ask that you kindly do not come back,"
"You can't ask me not to come here," Andrea protested
"I can, and I will, I don't want to see your face again, in fact, I would rather forget you entirely,"
"You can't seriously believe that I was the only problem in our relationship,"
Austin's mouth moved, stifling the bitterness in his throat.
"You were, because you were the adult in that situation, and I was all kinds of fucked up, I was barely an adult and you know it,"
"Don't come back here,"
Austin turned away, leaving her standing by herself in the brisk December air.
*****
Tonight's shift was exhausting and you were so glad that you were able to FaceTime with Renegade while Austin was on stage. You felt bad that you weren't able to come to his first show back performing, but you knew he would have many more.
You were, however, very confused as to who the woman he was talking to out front of the bar was.
Sparky was seated beside you drinking a beer, you had just begun to drink your glass of wine when you saw your tall husband stroll back through the door.
As always, he came straight to you, giving you another kiss before he sat down and asked the bartender for some water.
You felt his hand take yours and kiss it, looking away from him.
"I'm gonna have some water," he tilted to speak into your hair
"You're gonna finish your glass of wine," he kisses your hairline
"And then we're gonna go home,"
You turned your face to look into his blue eyes and squeezed his hand.
"And then," his other hand lifted to take your face
"I will tell you who that was, okay?"
You nodded, looking past him again to see if she was still standing there, but she was gone.
*****
The car was eerily silent as Austin drove home, even Renegade was quieter than usual, but in his defence, he was rather drunk.
Renegade said goodnight and left you both sitting in the car to walk next door, stillness encasing the atmosphere again.
"I need you to tell me who that was," you whispered
Austin exhaled through his nose, unbuckling his seatbelt.
"Inside,"
"No, tell me now,"
Austin looked at you with a frustrated crease of his brows.
"What's the difference?"
"Me, I'm the difference, I have waited for an hour for you to tell me who that was,"
Austin slanted his head back on the headrest and shifted his sad eyes to you, turning his mouth.
After a few minutes of him still not talking, you unbuckled your seatbelt and got out of the car, slamming the door.
Austin's nervous face watched you from the windshield.
He fucked her.
You knew it.
Whoever she was, he had sex with her.
It would have been fine if he just talked about it. And even then, the little you looked at her you realized that she was old.
She was close to 60, you were sure.
And the questions of when and how this transpired churned through your body, threatening to spill from your mouth the moment he came inside.
You angrily took your work uniform off and put a nightshirt on, hearing the screen door shut downstairs.
Austin's tall frame loomed into the doorway when you heard him sigh.
"You better tell me everything,"
"That's not fair," his voice comes out strained
"It's not reasonable of you to demand this from me right now, I am still processing,"
"Austin!" Your voice rose, flicking the sheets to turn the bed down with a yank.
"I promised you I would listen to you, and I am going out of my mind right now wondering who this woman is to you!"
"She is ..." you gulped, looking down
Austin stepped further into the room, looking at you with a soft, uncertain gaze.
"She's older," your eyes lifted to his questioningly
"She's gotta be close to 60, Austin,"
"She is," he confessed
You looked up and repressed your reaction, breathing out before putting a hand on your face.
"And who is she?"
"You were intimate with her, I know that look," you remark
"Baby, please, just give me a damn minute,"
"I've given you an hour!"
The breath Austin let out was unsettled and forced.
"I didn't make a scene there, okay, I didn't,"
"You've been wonderful, baby, you have-" he tells you, walking toward you to take your arms
"Please," he whispers
You look up at him and see the discomfort in his eyes, letting your head fall to the side with a sigh of relinquishment.
"Please, love of my life," his hand caressed your arm
"Be patient with me,"
You lift both hands to his face and take it firmly, stroking his cheeks.
"You know you can tell me anything," you tell him softly
"Anything,"
Austin's mouth moved in affliction before he spoke.
"I met her when I was very young,"
It took a beat for you to register what he said.
"How young?"
Austin pursed his mouth and held your wrist, kissing your hand.
"Let's sit on the bed?" he proposes gently
You sit with him still holding his face and listen, brushing his hair back.
"I was 20, she was 39,"
You couldn't hide your intake of stunned breath.
"I know," he whispers
"I haven't seen her in almost 20 years," he tells you
"You never told me about her," you say, looking at him with worry.
"Why didn't you tell me about her?"
Austin exhaled, closing his eyes to your touch.
"She fucked me up,"
"Real bad,"
Your fingers held his chin, observing him.
"Why was she there tonight?"
Austin shrugged
"I don't know, I think it was some fucked up twist of fate,"
"We were only together for 4 months but..."
You raked your fingers into his hair to comfort him as he spoke.
"She was the first,"
Your relationship with Austin was so entangled with the extraordinary sex you shared, that you'd never conversed about the other people you slept with.
You were both too jealous to hear it either way, but this one was a little more messed up than you anticipated it to be.
An almost 40-year-old woman sleeping with a young man half her age was an extreme abuse of power. It made you ill to think she exploited him into it. If he was 20 he would have been fresh away from home and his Aunt and Uncles. He had already been fucked up enough from that.
"What happened? At the end?" You ask
Austin's cerulean eyes met yours with a heartsick expression.
"She left me,"
"She was married,"
You had a feeling she was but waited for him to tell you.
"I think I thought I was in love with her," he discloses
"But she was just, there"
"Seeing her again, thinking about it all, it's very difficult-" Austin holds your wrist tighter with a fix of his eyes.
"-to process,"
Your fingers trailed down his ear to take his face again.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know,"
Austin shook his head and kissed your wrist.
"We're both getting better, baby,"
"Sometimes we're gonna yell at each other," he says
"Sometimes I'm gonna want to leave," he proceeds
"But I know in my heart the instant I'm even a few minutes without you that it was the wrong choice, and I have never-" Austin's face moves closer
"I have never loved anyone in this world the way I love you," his gaze falls to your lips and lifts back to your eyes
"You have my heart, my soul, my children, my very being for the rest of your life,"
You lean your forehead to his and laugh, a tear sliding down one cheek.
"Andrea was an oversight I should have never made, but I felt like a kid, I felt so - lost - and I thought that maybe-"
Your eyes locked on his again as he spoke closely
"I thought maybe if I was with someone older I could feel like a man, you know? But that's never what I was to her,"
You kissed his upper lip
"Aus,"
"I know you keep things close to your chest, and I know that once something is long done you don't like to talk about it,"
"But baby, you're still hurting,"
Austin exhales against your lips, frowning
"If you won't tell me, talk about it to Doctor Brown, okay?"
"I just-"
Austin presses his face closer
"I don't wanna talk about these women I've been with - because I feel like that's disrespectful to you,"
"Not a woman on this planet mattered the moment I saw you,"
You kissed him hard, feeling butterflies heavy in your chest, even after 7 years.
"I love you, Austin,"
Austin's nose brushed against yours before he kissed you again, holding his fingers under your hairline.
"And I love you," he says, gentle lips brushing
"I wasn't omitting I just - nobody mattered, no one, the moment I saw you at that bar,"
"So don't think I'm not telling you this stuff to hurt your feelings, I do really try to move on from things, but I guess I've been going about it the wrong way,"
You kissed him again
"It's okay, baby,"
Austin's phone went off and you gave a bewildered expression when he picked it up and looked over the notification.
He grinned, turning the phone to your gaze.
Ovulation App
Fertile Day
You hummed into a flirtatious laugh and took his phone out of his hand, tossing it on the bed.
"No better time to do it, than when we've spoken our true love into existence," he says softly, kissing your mouth to pull you back onto the bed.
Austin gently lifted you further up to lay on your side, taking your face into his hands to kiss you deeper.
You were both perfectly imperfect, trying to love each other amid your own internal issues, but you were getting better.
Austin was growing softer, and more open to listening without being stubborn. It was however always what he fell back on as a defence mechanism, but the whole point was that he was trying.
He had been through so much.
You both have.
You broke the kiss and looked into his eyes, tracing the contour of his mouth with your finger.
"You were right," you whisper
"I am jealous of every woman that looks at you, that has had your love and sex before me, even if they don't hold significance,"
Austin swallowed, allowing his hand to glide down the angle of your hip before gripping it.
"I can't stand to think that you weren't always mine," your voice weakens, eyes fixed on his.
Austin's eyelashes move as they roam your face with devotion.
"Even before I knew you," he murmurs, eyes steady and assured.
"I was yours, I just didn't know it yet,"
You felt the peak of your pulse and kissed him hard, pulling him on top of your body.
Austin shifted above you and let his long fingers drag your shirt up, skimming his palm on your flesh.
"Mmm," his mouth opened watching you, fingertips grazing down to your thigh before slipping your underwear down.
"I love," his voice lowers an octave, observing your reaction.
"I love how responsive you are to my touch,"
You looked up at him with longing and desire, waiting for him to lift his fingers where you yearned for them to be.
"I love," his face neared, voice brushing on your lips
"The way you quiver, even before I please you,"
You let out a breath and moaned softly, feeling his finger dip.
"And I wait for the perfect moment to surrender, I wait for the look in your eyes, that tells me,"
Austin traces your thigh before slipping his finger between your folds
"That tells me you want to eat me alive,"
A groan involuntarily evades your lips when he slides another finger, circling your entrance with his blue eyes intimately close.
"The depths of your affection, the curves of your body," Austin leans to kiss your lips delicately, retaining eye contact as he massages his fingers for access.
"The way you captivate me," his voice flourishes with arousal
"Our love is boundless," he kisses soft, sliding to his knuckles.
You moan softly against his mouth, lifting your hips to his touch.
"There is no measure of words that could convey how much I love you and want you, every day," Austin moved his fingers in your body, plunging in and out at a temperate pace that slickens you.
His fingers were delicate in their precision, pushing in and out of your body with ease. You groaned, feeling how wet you were around them as he studied you, reacting to every lift with an inhale of breath.
"Everything you are," Austin's lip kiss
"Everything you will be,"
"I am yours, eternally,"
"I surrender myself so willingly," he inhales on your lips as his fingers quicken their pace.
"To your desires, to your heat, to your love and grace.." his tongue makes a soft sound when he presses it to the roof of his mouth, holding a breath to press deep.
You moan loud beneath him, heightening with pleasure from his tantalizing words and movements.
"Austin," you breathe out
"Don't contain yourself," he urges
"Let go for me, I need to create another beautiful life together," his lips feather
"And in order to do that," a wave of golden hair falls into your face as he drifts over your body
"I need you to be open for me," he kisses
"Deep..." his mouth stutters when you groan, parting your legs further
"Let me in as deep as I can go,"
"Oh, Austin," you whimper, watching his mouth open wider
"That's it," he murmurs
"Oh, my Cowboy,"
Austin's fingers push back and forth
"So wet for me, that's just how I need you," he whispers
"Oh, please - fill me," you plead in a desperate soft whine
Austin pulls his fingers out and licks them, taking his jacket off to haul his shirt over his head.
You follow suit and tug your shirt off, freeing your breasts for his gaze.
He rolls onto his side again and unbuttons his pants, pushing them down his legs with his boxers.
Seeing his body was just as arousing as the first day you saw it, but you needed him, so completely that you didn't even give yourself time to explore it.
You tugged him between your legs and kissed him, hooking one around his waist to move him closer.
Austin groaned and kissed back, sliding your leg up further with a sensual rock of his hips.
"Yeah, baby," he breathed, sliding his tongue into your mouth to kiss more intimately, pushing the bed to rock gently beneath you.
You were so fervent you couldn't contain it, feeling the arousal and pleasure slip out of your body. You couldn't remember the last time you were this wet, not that Austin wasn't incredible - it just got harder as the years passed, biologically and you both had other things on your mind for months.
"Fuck, you're so wet," Austin crooned, lifting his pelvis to take himself into his hand.
He held eye contact with you as he slid in, filling your body and soul completely with his girth.
"Ohhh, ohhh, baby," you whimpered
Austin took your other leg and wrapped it around him, holding his hands on your hips as he drove into you slow and sensually.
"Ohhhh, ohhhhh, Austin,"
Austin's mouth dropped, chest raising to spread your legs apart, holding your thighs in his palms, working his hips.
"Ohhhh, ohhhhh - ffff," Austin groaned low in his throat, thrusting with slick ease.
You were panting breathlessly beneath him, plump and engorged around his cock.
You could feel your nipples hardening with each thrust he gave and moaned, pulling him deeper with your body.
The intense pleasure radiated through your body as he moved, gyrating his hips low and firm to plunge his entire girth.
You gasp, letting a cry out that stimulates his depth, hips clapping.
"Ohhh, ohhh I want to stay like this forever," his low feverish voice pushes
His voice is filled with carnal desire, teeth clenching as he slaps his flesh heavier into you.
"Oh! Oh! Austin!"
"Ohhhh, yeah!" he growls, rocking faster.
Waves of ecstasy ripple through your core and you feel yourself tugging him hard, squirting around the breadth of his cock with a cry of absolute exhilaration.
"Yeah!" Austin howls, thrusting his hips so hard the bed creaks lifts into the wall.
The sound you elicit from your throat is animalistic, fingers pulling him down to pierce into his back, hips shaking.
Austin roars, body trembling and twitching as he buries his cock and pulses, throbbing his warmth into your core.
"Nuhhh!" You arch your back and drag your hand to his hair, holding it to his stilled form, shaking beneath.
Austin's mouth is wide open against your cheek, intaking jagged breaths when he throbs again, shooting more into you.
"Ohhhh, ohhh baby," his voice is deep and rich in your ear and you can barely contain the weight of pleasure and love you feel
"Stay, stay inside," you beg, panting
Austin's body sinks into yours slowly, his face presses into your neck with his hips still twitching.
"Oh, god, I love you," you whimper
Your right hand strokes Austin's hair, the other moving down to squeeze the plump flesh of his ass, holding him close.
"I love you," his labored voice replies
"I love you so fucking much,"
You both wait several moments for his cum to sink deep, holding each other in the position he fell.
Austin rose his face to look at you with a sweaty brow, chuckling.
"Amazing," his teeth peeled
You kissed his mouth and giggled
Austin carefully rolled off of you onto his back and pushed his sweaty locks.
You turned into him and slid your hand up his chest, nestling to his body to feel his slick skin.
"Fuck, you're an animal," you bit your lip with a flushed face, gazing at him.
Austin turned his face to look at you with a satisfied smile, still catching his breath with sweat dripping down his neck.
"Missed ravishing you like the animal I am," he winked
"I missed it, too," your fingers took his face, kissing him softly.
"My Cowboy,"
"I'm yours," he tells you, putting his hand on top of yours.
"Until we're old and grey, baby," you teased
"Until we're old and grey,"
*****
You both slept until the late hours of the morning, and Loretta must have let you because when you woke up without the kids banging on the door and turned to look at the time you noticed it was 11 am.
Austin pulled you closer in the sheets, kissing your back.
"Good morning my sweet succulent peach," he murmured
You closed your eyes to his touch and leaned back into him.
"Good morning, indeed,"
Austin hummed and kisses your neck, rubbing himself against you.
"Mmm, I like the feel of that,"
You turned to him and kissed him, pulling him closer.
Knock
Knock
Knock
"DADDY!"
Austin laughed onto your mouth
"Wetty come get me up this morning,"
"Open the door, Benny!" You shouted
Austin covered you both in the sheets and watched the handle turn several times until it opened.
Benny ran into the bedroom and held his arms out to Austin who picked him up.
"Good morning my little Cretan," Austin kissed his cheek and pulled him between you.
"Mommy, Wetty said leave you lone,"
"We had a bit of a sleep in," you tell him, brushing his curls back
"Did you sleep okay, my little prince?"
"Ya!"
"Daddy come get off play trains downstairs,"
"Let daddy have some coffee first," Austin says, kissing his little fingers
"Uncle Wen and Aunt Bebe downstairs too," Benny says, holding Austin's face
"We should get dressed and join them," you suggest to Austin who arches a brow
"Go on downstairs, baby, Mommy and Daddy will be down in a minute,"
"Okay, Daddy" Benny sighs, wiggling out of his grasp to hop off the bed and run out the door.
*****
When you got downstairs Renegade and Abby were in the living room watching tv with Brody.
"Good morning ya heathens," Ren joked, taking a swig of his beer
"Tom it's 11 am, why are you drinking?" You poke at him
"Cause I got a wicked hangover," he snickers
Abigail laughs and brushes Brody's hair back, raking it with her fingers.
"Fuckin weird seeing Andrea huh, Cowboy?"
Austin sinks with his coffee in the recliner and beckons for you to sit in his lap, pulling you close.
"Yeah, that was wild," Austin admits, lifting his cup to his lips to drink before passing it to you.
Lately, you had been sharing your morning coffee's with Austin because you found that if both of you had a cup while you were sitting in his lap, one of you would end up spilling it, (namely you) so you passed it back-and-forth instead.
"Take it you told the Mrs. about that grooming old bag,"
You almost spat into the cup and shot a look at Renegade
"Well she was, she was seeing Cowboy when he was barely an adult," Ren said, pushing the lip of the beer to his mouth
"She tried to apologize," Austin says, taking the mug back
"But I didn't want to hear it, what does it matter now anyway?"
"It doesn't, but she's still a cradle robbing old woman," Ren remarks
Austin doesn't respond, drinking
"Loved your set though, you did well, brother,"
"Oh, yes!" You turned your face to Austin
"Ren sent me the recording he did before he FaceTimed"
"REM is a sweet spot for me, you know this," you hum into his jaw, kissing it
"I'll play it for you in the bedroom before you rip the guitar out of my hand," he chuckles
Ben pushed his train across the tracks happily and wiggled on the floor.
"CHOO choo!"
"What songs you gonna do next week?" Abigail asks
"I was thinking I could do some more classic rock, but I'm never sure until a few days before - sometimes even the night before," he confesses, gulping as he passes the mug back
"I think you should do some Matthew Good just for me," you say
Austin smirks
"Anything for you, my love,"
"Well I hope with all that racket last night you'll be welcoming a new life into this world," Loretta calls from the kitchen
You giggled into Austin's face and watched Ren shake his head.
"Mommy pray to god," Benny says on the floor
"Pray tell you get a brother or sister," Loretta says, emerging from the kitchen
"Knowing Cowboy, it'll be twins again," Renegade hisses into a laugh as Austin reaches to smack him
"So in love," Loretta smiles
"It's nice to see ya so happy, again Cowboy,"