Would she answer the door?
I'd texted her a simple I'm coming back and shoved my phone in my pocket, hoping it wouldn't buzz with a text back saying No.
As I walked to Esme's door, I saw Big Daddy leaving another apartment nearby with his hand on a woman's shoulder and another man walking with them. The biker saw me and gave me a chin lift, and I gave him a nod. An entire conversation with two head movements. Maybe it was a sign that as men we should just keep our fucking mouths shut, but I couldn't in this case.
Just stay away from Ez with your Big Deeeeee, I thought as I raised my hand to knock on Esme's door. She answered almost immediately and waited until I was inside before questioning my presence at her apartment for the second time that day.
"What's going on, Tanner? Did Jude say something else?"
"No, but I've got more to say, Ez."
"OK?"
"Do you remember what I told you the night before our divorce was final, Ez?"
"You said that you didn't want a divorce."
I don't want a divorce, Esme. I do not want this. I feel like a death row inmate the night before his execution.
"And you told me that our divorce would be a good thing because you'd find someone to love you, commit to you and build a good relationship with. One that was built on love, desire and respect. Not duty and not because I felt like I needed to do the right thing."
"I can't believe you remembered all that."
"I remember everything that you said. You were so fucking calm and sure, and I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin because I was about to lose you, there was nothing I could do about it...and it was all my fault."
She pursed her lips, not needing to say anything because I was right.
"It's a year later, Ez. Do you know what I wanted to do the day our divorce was final? The day after it was final? Every fucking day since we signed those papers?"
She shook her head. "No."
"Every single day, I wanted to beg you to take me back. To forgive me. To let me prove myself to you."
Her eyes were watching me cautiously.
"Do you know what was holding me back, though? It was the knowledge that I needed to work on myself before I could ask anything that big of you. That I needed to not be the same person who hurt you."
"Tanner," she began, then stopped. Finally, she added, "I had no idea."
"Not sure if you know this, but I've been doing some intense counseling this last year, Ez. Looking at why I held on to the past, why I put up a barrier between us. I worked through a lot of shit, huge failings of mine that made me sick, things that pissed me off because if I'd recognized what, exactly, I'd been doing while we were married, I could have dealt with it then before I made the worst choice of my life and hurt you."
"But that's not what happened."
"No. It's not. I was a weak fuck who cheated on you. I failed you, failed myself, failed our children and failed our marriage. That's a lot of failure for someone who was used to succeeding."
"I guess it was."
"But in working through all the wrongs I'd committed with my therapist, I began to understand that while they were massive failures, I could use what I learned from them and start to fix what was wrong with me so I'd no longer be someone who could hurt someone like I hurt you."
Holding her eyes, I took a step closer to her. "I'm sorry I betrayed you and hurt you, Esme. You didn't deserve what I did to you."
To that, she didn't say anything because there really wasn't anything to say except no, I didn't deserve any of that shit you rained down on me, asshole.
"So, this last year's been about changes. I cut people out of my life and I worked on becoming a good, decent person. Someone who would be a good role model for my children, not because I was good necessarily but because I could show them that you might make bad choices but you could decide to do better. To be better than your shitty choices."
"You've always been a good father, Tanner."
This woman.
"Always so gracious, Ez, even when I don't deserve it. Good father? Maybe, but I knew there was a lot of room for improvement. So I've been working on being a better father, a better manager and a better man who could be a rock solid husband. The whole time I was working on myself, I had to fight the urge every day to beg you to take me back, But I promised I wouldn't ask you until I was perfect. But I can't wait to be perfect, Esme, because I never will be."
"I don't recall saying I expected perfection. The only thing I wanted was someone who wouldn't cheat on me."
There it was. Esme's first lie, born out of the pain and hurt I put her through, and I was going to call her on it.
"Is that really all you wanted?" I stepped even closer to Esme, loving that light, citrusy scent of hers. "Or did you want more? Someone to love you, maybe? A husband that put you first, last and always? Someone who knew what you were thinking with just a glance? Someone who'd look in your eyes and see everything you were feeling?"
Her eyes were guarded now, not giving much away.
"Didn't you want someone who was a true partner, your best friend, your rock? Someone who could make just about anything better with a hug or some sweet comfort whispered in your ear? Someone who would protect the love you shared with him with everything he had?"
"That's what I always wanted, Tanner."
"With me. You always wanted that with me, but I failed you in all ways."
"Not in all ways. You gave me two incredible children."
"It doesn't take much to give you two children, Esme. That's something anyone with a working dick can do, so it's about as low a bar as any. I need to do more than that, be more than that, set my own bar high."
"That's not what I meant," she said.
"No, but it's what I meant. I want the bar set Esme high."
"And what about Mindy, your dream girl? Is there a bar for her, too?"
"Yeah, let's talk about my dream girl. Let's talk about why, if she was actually my dream girl, I didn't wait for her, for our break to be over, why I didn't fight at all to get her back. Instead, I saw you at a party and immediately moved in."
"Because you were a horny college guy?"
"It was you, Ez. I didn't have to marry you, but I was the one who pushed it. And it might have been because I was telling myself I had to do the right thing, but I had several outs and I didn't take them. I never thought about why I was so insistent on marrying you."
Her mouth pulled down at the corners. "And, not to point out the obvious, Tanner, but you seem to make a habit of seeing a girl at a party and making your move. That was how you said it happened with Mindy at your brother's house right before you cheated on me."
"I'm not denying for one second that I made the choice to cheat on you, Esme. Nobody to blame but myself for that betrayal. I'm saying I've been working on understanding myself better and changing to make sure I would never do that again."
"And you expect what, Tanner? That I'm just going to accept this turnaround of yours? Take your word for it and pick right back up where we left off?"
"Hell, no, Ez. I don't expect anything from you, don't expect you to just take my word for it and I definitely don't want to pick right back up where we left off. What we had wasn't healthy."
Looking away from me, she inclined her head. "I've been doing some work on myself, too, Tanner. I agree that what we had wasn't healthy, and I'm even willing to admit that by not speaking up, by accepting our status quo, I wasn't contributing to a healthy marriage. But I'm not the same girl you were married to."
"Let me be clear about what I'm asking for, Ez. I want the opportunity to date you, to start things right this time. To see who we are, not start something based on who we were."
"I can't give you an answer right now."
"I can live with that because it's not an outright no. I want to see who you are now. I want you to see who I am, and I hope you 've been getting glimpses of that in the last year. I want to show you that it can be completely different with me, Esme."