Chandler
Chloe's POV
I wake up later than afternoon shocked.
I was sure, before I finally drifted off into fitful sleep just after six this morning, that I would wake up to the feeling of searing pain, the tell-tale sign of being rejected.
I'm not sure if I'm relieved or worried that that's not the case.
It's not that I want to be rejected. I would truly be a fools then to ask for something so painful.
There are no exceptions to rejection. If you reject your Mate the exchange for that freedom is life long torturous pain that lingers and flares no matter how much time you spend apart. They say that if you go to one of the temples of the Nine Divine Gods or their Queen, Celeste, you can pray to them, telling them of woes, betrayal or fears. If they deem it necessary, they'll approach you in dreams to release the bond decide whether or not to offer you a Second Chance.
Some call it merciful.
A gift bestowed upon us by the Queen of Gods.
I call it terrifying.
And maybe I'm a coward but a part of me doesn't want to have to be the one to make the decision, even if it is because of me that there won't be a possibility of a Bond to begin with.
Thomas' and my Aunts words clang through me from the night before and I clamp down on the shame that rocks through me at the truths I held in their harsh words. I sigh as I roll onto my back, covering my face with my pillow and I try to settle my raging heart.
Why the hell should I need some Goddess to approve love for me? Why should I allow a stranger to choose the path that I take with my life? Who has the audacity to take away my freedom to fail, and find love and heart break all on my own? Why do I need permission to live? Why do I need approval to just......be?
I've asked the same questions since I was a child and the only responses I've gotten are ones full of hate, disgust and resentment.
"Figures a worthless child like you would ask such foolish things."
"What a wretched bastard you are to question the mercy of Our Glorious Goddess Celeste."
I've asked the same damn questions. Every time.
"Disgusting Warlock, how dare you disrespect the Holy Ones who gave you filthy fucking magi the right to live among Divine Children. Ungrateful brat. I'll teach you some porter respect."
And every time.
"It would be foolish to think someone as small brained as your kind would be able to understand something so complex. You just remember to be grateful if the Gods thinks any of you are worthy."
I was beaten down. Stricken. Cursed.
"You're worthless to society. Someone like you doesn't get to ask questions. Just do as your told."
It always felt as if there was always something wrong with me.
"Die, monster."
Inside and out.
"If it were up to me, you would all burn in the depths of Hell."
That just made people hate me.
"I hope Kevren tires of you all. The God of death at least understands the way of things."
I'm curled into a ball, the blanket pulled tightly over my head. My tail is curled into my lap, my arms wrapped around it securely, my ears flat on my head as tears stream across my face and wet the bed below me. My pain is silent, years of practice, of keeping my tears invisible and my cries muted so I wouldn't call too much attention to myself.
Sometimes attention can be worse than being alone.
Some things get blurred now. I no longer remember if they came from strangers or my own father. Sometimes the voices get so loud in my head and my chest, it feels like it's filling me from the inside out, squeezing whatever else inside of me to the background until I can't breath. Until it's all I am. An accumulation of all the ones who've beaten me down.
I don't even know what's left when all those voices are gone.
My mind hasn't been silent in ages.
But thankfully, oh so so thankfully over time, two voices have been able to be louder than the rest. Two voices have kept me afloat in a sea of desperation and failure, an endless abyss of expectations I never managed to keep in my grasp. Thomas. And Chandler.
I recall the words Thomas said to me that fateful night we met. The night that changed everything.
After we left Ameden and made it to the PD where Chandler awaited, Thomas told me something that I've always made sure to remember.
"All that you've been through wasn't just so that you could spend your life running. One day, you'll find a reason to live again, and the world will be better for it."
I thought it was cheesy when he said it, and even now, it kind of is, but it's almost like a promise he made me. Like an assurance that what I've survived wasn't just for nothing. That maybe there's more for me and not just what I can do and be for others. So I've held those words close to my heart, saving just a little pocket of hope in the chances that I would one day be able to cash in on that promise and find a reason to live again.
Those are the same words that give me the will to wipe my cheeks and catch my breath, willing away the voices that seem to come from every crevice and corner, droning them out with the words that have brought me comfort for two hundred years.
Eventually I'm able to get out of bed and drag myself into the shower, the scalding hot water doing little to settle the ache that I feel lately. But it does help me push it to the side once more as I steel myself to talk to Chandler. After procrastinating for another hour I'm finally ready, my break down from this morning miles behind me, my sheets already changed and fresh. I leave my apartment as I pop some gum into my mouth absentmindedly, cursing when I almost slam into an amused looking Thomas.
"Varness, Thomas you fucking scared me." I scowl at him before turning to close my door. While Divine Children, especially Angels, only care about their Divine Queen Celeste, the rest of us are far more connected with the Gods of this earth that have stuck beside us and walked the path of the weak. Varness, the Goddess of Wild and Lost things has always looked out for me, leading me towards Thomas that fateful day. The sneaky bastard himself, lives across the hall from me but I was hoping I would be able to sneak past him at least. No such luck.
"I had to see how long you planned on hiding. Guess you found your big boy stilettos today." He smirks and I smack him on the arm as I go to head down the stairs, completely ignoring the fact that we can both hear my nerves driving up my heart beat.
"Whatever I do is my business, Thomas, how many times do I have to tell you this?" I remind him with my sweetest most sweetest fuck you tone I can manage. And of course all it does it make the bastard laugh.
Oh how it pains me to have someone know me so well. A wretched blessing and a curse.
"How about when you stop causing me so much trouble, Trouble." He says pointedly so I make it a point to ignore him and continue my descent towards the lower floor and Chandler's office.
"Have you already reported to Chandler?" I ask him, expecting a yes, but when there's not I glance up behind me to see the shit eating cheshire grin Thomas has on his face.
"Report? Without my partner? I would never, Chloe. We need to make sure to not miss a single detail of our report." He urges me and I swear one of these days, I'm going to kill the bastard myself. I can feel the amused satisfaction rolling off of him in waves and I storm over to the bar and order myself a drink, knowing I'm going to need it, even if the clock only reads six pm, the sun still shining through the windows. It's gonna be one of those days.
The bartender on staff is Sinde, our only non-Incubus friend beyond Thomas. She's an Enchanted of sorts but like every Enchanted that decided to avoid the suffocating life of Vilin, or the exiled life of Ameden, she hides any features that would give a clue to the other half of her DNA with a simple Dagaz Rune, one of the most used magic seals in Kaulike. While it's illegal for Enchanted to hide their Daemon descent, no one said anything about the other half of their DNA. I've heard that it's a common practice among Enchanted because it adds a bit of a secrecy which holds power, as well as adding protection within the bounds of Indrid. Daemons aren't so welcoming to their better off sister species.
Hearing my order, Sinde goes to grab two shot glasses and my ears flicker in annoyance at the little smirk on her face, obviously hearing our banter on the way down.
"Just one, Sin, bastard can order his own drink." I tell her, pouting just a little, but the pale Enchanted doesn't budge, her matte black makeup only making her electric blue eyes brighter.
"Sorry, babes, Tommy here is good to me." She tells me with a wink before sliding the drink down towards the stupid Vampire, long hair falling to cover half of his face, the dim lighting only making the male more striking. I roll my eyes on the effect it has on Sin, knowing my bastard friend knows exactly what he's doing even if he has no interest in the woman. Thomas has been so much time around sex Daemons the asshole is turning into one.
I snort to myself before downing my shot cringing slightly at the warm burn that slides down my throat. I throw Sinde a few dollars, knowing she'll probably just grab groceries for the brothel and cook us a huge dinner again when she has the time. The Enchanted is the best cook I know, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I have stayed the night a few times for the treat that is breakfast by Sin.
I expect the thought to come with a shot of excitement or arousal as always, even when I'm not planning to act, but I'm left a little confused and beyond concerned when I realize the thought of enjoying her again, or fantasizing about our fun filled nights only fills me with a sense of dissatisfaction and what almost feels like..... disgust. Which shouldn't be right. While it might not be the case for all Incubus, I am most definitely not picky. If you look good and can show me a good time, that's all the criteria you need to meet. All this does is make me want to run back up the stairs and sleep once more, hoping that a new day can provide me with a better solution, but all it really does is delay the inevitable.
With tail low enough to drag across the ground, I make my way around the bar towards the hallway that leads towards Chandler's office.
I have half a hope that he's not there, that he's making his rounds through the brothel, but that dream is dashed as soon as it formed when Thomas reaches around me to push the door open, sensing my hesitation. And sure enough, there is Chan standing at his in office bar, pouring three Faerie Elixir, one of the more elite and rare drinks in the country. I laugh wryly to myself when I see the drinks, telling me everything I need to know.
"So you were warned." I say dryly, not even pretending to ask as I make my way into the room knowing there's no getting around this deeply tortuous conversation.
Thomas closes the door behind us as I make my way towards the window seats that spread out behind Chan's desk. While most wouldn't expect it, there's actually a beautiful view of the Pleasure Gardens from right here. The brothel sits right next to a cliff, looking over the alluring and famous gardens known for their lewdness and adventure. Though he doesn't talk about it, Chandler's just like Thomas and I. He wasn't born and raised here either, more like was handed shitty circumstances that he could neither endure or bare witness to. Just like us.
"Just that it would be best to have a drink ready." He hums, never showing exactly what he's thinking. His ashen charcoal skin still fascinates me when it catches the light, the little iridescent fish scales that show up in patches along his skin never failing to catch my eye. Every sex Daemon has some animal trait or other, if you were to ask why, you would get a different answer depending on who you asked. Most, though, would say it's due to the fact that we are no more human than animals themselves, to help remind us and all of our place. I, however, like to believe it was a blessing from Varness because of our wild nature and as a reminder of our need to be free. Along with the scales, Chandler has four gills on either side of his neck that only appear when he's in water, the only thing he uses the Dagaz tune for. The dark grey tone to his skin has its own story, it's said that Angels who sully their blood with Nightlies will have the tainted skin of a sinner. From the little that I've heard, that make a hard life almost impossible to survived but thanks to his sister, he did.
The amount of respect that I have for Chandler is infinite, which is why I don't try to make an excuse and run away as I would love to, instead I sit in my favorite spot and watch as the fog rolls into the Pleasure Gardens below, the moans almost heard through the glass.
Chandler hands Thomas his drink before coming over to hand me mine, leaning against his hardwood desk softly as I feel his eyes settle on me.
"So? What do you have to report?" He asks and to my surprise and relief, Thomas speaks up, though the reprieve is short lived.
"I heard from a few Magi that-"
"Chloe?" Chan insists softly, but there's a pause as there's a sudden intake a breath and a hiss as a daunting pain washes over him. I always had a mistrust for Soulmates, and after I met Chan and saw the pain that he was subjected to day in and day out all because of one instance, it only reaffirms my beliefs that controlling someone's fate and twisting it so callously isn't something I would call fucking merciful.
But no, let's go back to praising fucking Celeste.
I try to calm my misplaced fury as Chan repeats himself.
"Anything to report?"
Waves of emotions hit me like they did last night and I have half an urge to break the windows and jump from them, preferring my chances with that rather than barring the deepest darkest part of me and my hatred. But it's Chandler and after all he's done for me, how can I deny him this piece of me? So I sigh and tell him the words I've never wanted to pass my lips.
"I found my Chain." I admit quietly. "Or more like he found me."
"Chloe that's incredible! Wow, of all the people to find their Soulmate, you were not on the list. Like at all." He snickers lightly, but his eyes carry something deeper I don't quite understand. "I'm assuming you ran?" He asks, but from the knowing look he turns to give Thomas, he already knows the answer.
My tail swishes in annoyance and I grumble to myself as I pull my knees up to my chest and nestle my glass in my right hand, my arm resting atop my knees.
There's some laughter before they settle down and Chandler changes tactics.
"I don't want to know the details until you decide what you're going to do. And I won't tell you what that is. But I will tell you something that I thought I would have to tell Thomas first." He explains and theres a beat of silence before he continues and while I don't turn towards him, I listen closely, not taking this little bit of information about Chandlers past for granted. "As you know I found my own Chain long before we met. And while the man himself was amazing, it was hard for me to see that because of all the things that I went through. I thought the hate and the anger and bias that Divine Children have for us burned through his veins as well. So when something went wrong and he got mind controlled one night, he said everything that I was convinced he believed. It was easier to believe the lies than the truth and the heart he had laid out bare for me. Turns out his parents made it happen, hired someone to make him say those things. And even knowing that, I left because I had convinced myself that I wasn't enough, that I was exactly what everyone called me. I was ashamed of how I acted, especially since in that moment, even knowing everything, I rejected my lover and destroyed everything he tried so hard to build with me. All because I was selfishly caught up in my past pain and fears. By the time I was mature enough and calm enough to realize the mistake I made, it was too late. Five years later, I finally met him again, after I was too scared and prideful to return back to his home. But it didn't matter. Because he had chosen to accept a Second Chance Soulmate. I had lost my chance forever and had hurt myself worse than anyone before me had ever done. And now I have to live with that fact until the day I die. Don't make a decision until you understand who you are, who he is and what you're actually turning down. Because you can't take that decision back." He tells me, his voice getting more choked by the time he finishes and I pretend not to notice when he wipes tears from his eyes.
Thomas is next to speak up though I really wish he would hush right about now. "And don't forget, that since you've found your Soulmate, until you make your decision, he's the only person that can feed you without you getting sick. So you can't run forever." He reminds me though I truly which he wouldn't.
Because I did forget, and now my reaction to Sin
It's too much to take in, so I don't respond, just absorb the words and give myself time to digest and make sense of it though I can't deny that some things I would rather pretend I didn't hear, ring too true to ignore. Instead I say, "Just tell him what you learned." I beg and this time they listen as I stare out of the window and listen to what Thomas explains, realizing more and more as he talks, wishing asked instead of cause problems and run away.
I don't know what to do.
And honestly I'm not even sure if I know who I am much less who this stranger is. Maybe Thomas and Chandler are on to something.
Though I'll be damned if I ever admit that.
We talked for a few hours and find out that not only was there a man trying to get inside the Queens Castle, there was an entire attempted coup that somehow no one heard about. Not only that but there are rumors that several Faerie Houses in the Fae region of Melamar have fallen to the dark influence.
Followed up with reports that Roma isn't faring much better.
Apparently Chan was doing some digging as well and the information we've managed to gather has left chills raking down my back.
As we leave after Chandler requests some time to think, I can't help the sinking suspicion that I'll have to face both this rising darkness and this Chain situation quicker than I want.
And if that's the case, I may as well be the one in control of the situation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sadly I'm a few hours work away from carpel tunnel so I really have to take it easy I can't crochet or write as much as I want which sucks but it's okay I'll live. I need to give my wrists a break anyway.
Thoughts?
Comments?
QOTD: Mexican food or chinese food?