december 14th, 1957
elizabeth had just turned eight; she felt she was old enough to accompany her female role models in everything she possibly could. because what child doesn't want to be just like the people they look up to?
so, a young girl walked with her mother and her godmother, walking in between them and holding each of their hands as they proceeded down the sidewalk. the winter season was here, and christmas shopping was on the to-do list. for the ladies, at least.
because the men had the handy work. like chopping firewood.
it didn't really matter, though. elizabeth had no complaints, she wanted to be just like her mother.
with their noses and cheeks rosy, faces bubbly and smiling, they walked along the shops, happy to be spending time with each other. elizabeth couldn't imagine a better time. she was learning to be proper.
in her eyes, she was growing up.
to many others, however, she was just a little girl who was dependent on her mother. how cute.
all three of them thought the moment truly couldn't get any better.
their thoughts were correct.
a young boy with cold features was walking the opposite direction, eyes glued to the floor. he had a large backpack on his shoulders and was shivering. he wasn't wearing thick clothes, more so clothes suitable for spring or summer. his face and garments were dirty, and he was very skinny. ms. mathews and mrs. curtis' first instinct was to help the young boy. elizabeth, being the timid young girl she was, watched from a safe distance.
elizabeth found it odd how she had never seen him before, cause tulsa wasn't all that big of a town. she knew who most, if not all, of the kids her age were.
she saw them talking to the boy, but what it was they were saying, she couldn't tell you.
the next thing elizabeth knew, she was no longer holding hands with the women in her life, instead she was awkwardly walking on the side of her mom. the boy had taken her place. she resented that.
not that she would ever show it.
it wouldn't be very kind of her to act impolitely to a boy who was clearly going through it. and the idea of being jealous of him was just absurd! he was barely surviving, freezing with no shelter, and elizabeth was bundled up, with a home, food to eat, and loving friends and family.
but she couldn't shake away the shard of envy stabbing her in the back.
they walked home, and elizabeth put on her earmuffs, doing whatever she could to drown out the voices of the mothers soothing the boy. she couldn't have been any happier once they were back at the curtis house, so she could get away from the stranger, and be around some familiar faces.
but things never go your way, do they?
all six of the boys took an interest to the new kid. elizabeth felt ignored, and she knew it was selfish. but she was always in the shadow. to her mother, she was in keith's shadow. to ponyboy, she was in johnny's shadow. there was always someone put before her. but at the same time, she placed herself in the shadow. she never wanted to be the center of attention, but if you're only the umbra of a person, how could you possibly get the validation that your existence depends upon?
while watching the boys interact, she found out that his name was dallas, and that he ran away from his dad in new york. he had just gotten out of jail for beating up a rich kid, he said. mr. curtis seemed to approve.
this is when elizabeth realized that the socials pick on anyone and everyone that is less fortunate than themselves; no matter if you're new or not.
but at least dallas could hold his own. elizabeth couldn't. she never engaged in wrestling with her friends or brother, it wasn't right for a girl to do so. what if the socs decided she was their next target?
she went outside to sit on the porch, resting her face in her hands. it was tiring, having a mind like hers that made no sense. all of her thoughts seemed muddled together.
everything is defined by logic and science, right?
so where was her explanation? would she ever even get one?
she heard the door open and shut behind her, but she didn't bother looking to see who it was. it was probably darry or keith telling her to get back inside before she caught a cold.
"you alright, lizzie?" a soft voice asked. it was very recognizable, and even if it wasn't, there was only one person that called her lizzie.
she looked up, and sniffled. elizabeth was easily affected by the cold. "yeah, im okay, soda."
"okay isn't good. what's on your mind?" he scooted closer to her for warmth, wrapping an arm around her shoulder.
she leaned into him. "i dunno. the new kid, i guess. dallas. i just want mama's love." she closed her eyes.
"ya know she loves you, honey."
"i know. love isn't the correct word. i guess it's, approval? every time i think i'm about to finally impress her, prove to her that i'm grown up, something stops it."
soda looked into the distance. "i will never understand why you're so fixed on growing up. you're what, six?"
"i'm eight," she said flatly.
"yeah, i know. i was just playing," he laughed. "but your mom loves you for who you are, ain't she tell you that like, 5 months ago?" she nodded, "okay, great, can we go inside now? it's getting cold."
they went inside, hand in hand. elizabeth didn't feel so overshadowed anymore, because soda has that effect on people. and even though he said what she already knew, what was causing the feuds wishing her mind, hearing someone else say it was a very much needed assurance.
and with this assurance, elizabeth soon found herself introducing herself to dallas. he was pretty reserved, it seemed, but he winked at her as they shook hands.
she immediately retracted her hand from his.
⊹₊⋆☁︎⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆☁︎⋆₊ ⊹
july 20th, 1963
in elizabeth's eyes, there was a blurry line between being ladylike and being a straight up social. her mother was ladylike, and if nobody knew she lived on the poor side of town, she would definitely be considered a soc. elizabeth didn't think she acted like one, but she knew that socs tended to have more manners than greasers like her. and if she had to be a soc to be ladylike, she would ditch the manners any day. she came to this conclusion while watching darry and dally go back and forth.
"she's thirteen years old, for christs sake! let her live how she's wants!"
darry rubbed his temple. "dally, you and i both know very well that if she keeps this up, she won't make it in life!"
her smile faded. it's a shame they were the only ones home. steve and soda went to a rodeo, and two-bit took johnny and ponyboy to the movies. how convenient.
"i think you're overreacting, man. she should be able to sit how she wants, it's not like she's wearing a dress or some other flashy shit," by this point, dally was standing up.
"look, if you think i'm gonna listen to a fifteen year old..."
elizabeth just laid across the old couch and tuned them out. it's not like it mattered, she might as well have been invisible. she yawned loudly in hopes to get them to stop arguing.
"goddamnit, elizabeth," darry sighed in exasperation, throwing his hands in the air.
"can you guys just please stop arguing for once? i'm not gonna lie, darry, i think your priorities are mixed up. you're so focused on what my bad habits are, always stressin' and arguin' and stuff, but i think dally's right. just hear me out. society is stupid. i don't care about what's expected of me anymore, not now, at least. i'm still a child."
to be a lady you can't be involved in drama
have a perfect face
have the best manners
and know your place.
"you make me feel so insecure, darry," she whispered, for if she spoke with her voice, it would break. she held back tears, just like the clouds. self-respected ladies know how to control their emotions.
darry's features softened. elizabeth drew in a shaky breath before she continued. "i don't want to exist just to be someone who isn't me. it seems like no matter what i do, i just can't be good enough." she shook her head. "you know what, forget it. i wouldnt expect a man like you to understand."
and with that, she walked out of the curtis house, leaving a confused and stunned darry and dally.
she wasn't wearing shoes, and she didn't have a weapon on her, but she couldn't care less in the moment. she was just focused on breathing, keeping calm so she didn't end up crying.
because greasers don't cry, either.
what a sick world, where if you act one way you're shunned, and if you act the other, well, you're still shunned. and elizabeth was always something in between. she was doomed to be alienated from the start.
elizabeth began to walk around the neighborhood, the dewdrops in the grass wetting her stocking feet. it was a very unpleasant feeling, but the only thing on her mind was getting time alone. time to think, without the pestering echo of how to be perfect running through her mind while also being repeated by some people who thought they knew her. it's funny, really. they used to know her. but not anymore. how could they?
she didn't even know herself.
the grass crunched with every footstep, a tingling sensation going through the microscopic gaps in the fibers of her socks.
how could she love a group of people so much, and not be able to stand being in their presence?
she wished there was some sort of science experiment where she could have an insightful reading of her brain so she wouldn't have to waste her time trying to figure out what her damn purpose in life was. she imagined her mind in a prison cell, locked up so her thoughts wouldn't escape.
and there's no key.
it could be the reason she never spoke up, for they were inherently padlocked inside her head.
elizabeth was always the juggling the expectations of being tough yet feminine, and the pressure to maintain a tough exterior and hide behind a mask of bravado and indifference, even when it came at the expense of her emotional well-being, was constantly weighing down on her shoulders. isn't this too much to ask of a thirteen year old girl?
no, it's not.
because that's the reality of being a teenage girl in 1963.
high society exhibits no forbearance for you. your mind, your body, your soul will be perpetually be incarcerated. you won't have freedom, there's no release date. you're stuck in this inescapable box, contained until you decipher the code that unlocks this suffocating space and unveils your aperture.
liberation is truly an uplifting feeling. it was only a matter of time before elizabeth got to experience it, right?
she shivered, rubbing her bare arms, and started to proceed further and further from the neighborhood and into town. there was no clear destination in mind, only an escape. she needed one thing, and that was to get out.
just get out.
if the only way she was able to be happy was by running from her problems, then so be it. someone else can deal with them. she didn't care if her energy terminated, she would keep going until the very moment she collapsed. she made the decision, and that's how she chose to live.
elizabeth looked up to the mellowing sky. the clouds were disappearing as the days led on. ponyboy was right, it wouldn't rain for a while. unfortunately, she couldn't say the same for herself. everything in her mind seemed flooded. at least the sky was happy, for now.
she was brought back to reality when she walked straight into steve. she stumbled a little.
"whoa there," steve laughed, grabbing onto her shoulders to steady her. "whatcha doin' walkin' around these streets by your lonesome, betty? and without a jacket? or shoes? even soda here is wearing them, and he hates shoes."
elizabeth shrugged and pursed her lips. "i just wanted to get some fresh air, didn't think about it much. and don't call me that."
sodapop wrapped his flannel around her shoulders and put his arm around her shoulder, holding her close to keep her warm. he had a toothpick between his lips. "so who are you runnin' away from, lizzie? did your brother start pickin' on you again?"
"no, actually, it was your brother. and dally. they were arguing about my life, and i was right in front of 'em. it's like i wasn't even there."
"hm. well, y'know they just want what's best for ya. don't think about it too much."
steve reached into his pocket and held out a chocolate bar to elizabeth. "i got this for you, betty."
despite the nickname, she smiled. "thanks."
they walked, steve and soda having their own conversation while elizabeth was just thinking.
if she could somehow unscramble her dispositions, she would no longer have to feel so heavy all the time, that funny feeling would finally dissipate. she wouldn't wake up every morning with a heavy heart that weighs upon her body.
a red mustang roared by, and a series of jeers and taunts coming from them, most of them being poor. soda and steve immediately retaliated, calling them things like "uppity" and "pompous."
but elizabeth's heart only sank further.
someday, she planned to prove she was more than what she was born into.
but right now, she had to focus on the awkward conversation waiting for her. they walked through the front door, to find the rest of the gang was home already. johnny and ponyboy were at the dining room table playing cards, two-but was digging through the fridge, dally was sitting lazily in the armchair with an unlit cigarette in his mouth, and darry was sitting on the couch. she wiped her sweaty hands on her jeans and avoided eye contact with darry and dally both.
"come sit here, ellie," darry said softly. elizabeth complied as steve and soda went to join ponyboy and johnny at the table.
darry wrapped an arm around her and rubbed her arm. she slowly relaxed. he took a deep breath before speaking. "i'm sorry, elle. it's not my place to tell you how to act. i just want what's best for you."
"i know, dar. it's okay," she leaned her head on his shoulder.
"i love you. don't forget it." he kissed her forehead before elizabeth closed her eyes and began to drift off to sleep.
⊹₊⋆☁︎⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆☁︎⋆₊ ⊹
her ears were ringing. the muffled voices around her slowly came into focus, and she opened her eyes. she was laying on top of darry, and he was holding her tightly to ensure she didn't fall of the couch or anything.
i guess he didn't wanna accidentally wake me up.
she closed her eyes again, ready to doze off once more. soda was telling darry that dinner was ready. darry shook her shoulder gently. "c'mon baby, you gotta wake up now."
elizabeth groaned and sat up, rubbing her eye with the back of her hand. "sorry, darry," she said groggily at the realization that he was probably numb.
"no need to be, sweetheart," he stood up and stretched. "go get some food in ya." he pat her shoulder and walked to the kitchen. elizabeth yawned and trekked to the table, where ponyboy, steve, johnny, and dally were sitting. pulling up a chair, she sat in between johnny and dally. she put her elbow on the table and held her head up with her hands, trying not to fall asleep right there.
soda came out of the kitchen with a plate of colorful food. she looked down at the plate blankly. red colored rice, chicken, and a bit of salad. elizabeth kind of hated salads, they were just a lot of work to eat.
especially if they had tomatoes or croutons.
it's not that she disliked the way croutons tasted, but it was just hard to chew. the texture drastically contrasted everything else in a salad, and it just wasn't worth the struggle. but tomatoes, she just hated everything about them. she always has.
her mind was way too foggy to even process what was going on. she wasn't even very hungry. she grabbed her fork and picked at the food. elizabeth didn't know how long it went on for. everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. naps always left her perception of the world very distorted.
dallas frowned and nudged her hand. "stop that kid, and eat your food." she looked up and saw that soda and darry were now also at the table. but her brother was nowhere in sight. usually he'd be one of the main ones pigging out on the food. he sure can put it away.
"where's two?" she asked confusedly.
"he went home, ellie," johnny said, looking concerned. elizabeth put her fork down and ran her fingers through her hair as she looked at everyone at the table. they all looked worried, slightly.
"what?"
"you okay, echo? you seem out of it."
she turned to look at ponyboy. "yeah, im fine, im just tired. and not very hungry."
she paused before standing and leaving the table (steve gladly took her plate), "i'm going back to sleep." and she flopped onto darry's bed and let sleep take over once more.
i want to go home. but why? at home, i dont do much. yet, at home, it gives me time to think. the thoughts are always forming, jumbling, overlapping in my brain.
but here, im unhappy. i can't rest, can't catch a break. so where do i go?
because home no longer feels like home.
maybe i don't wanna go home, but find a home within my own head. and what better way to do that than by searching within a dream?
i walk within the darkness, searching for a light. oh, there's a switch!
the world is suddenly in view. except it's black and white? strange... oh, im wearing these cool jeans with floral patches on them, and a white t-shirt with a jean jacket, that's pretty! my converse are also very dirty, but they look like they're well-loved. this is the only color in the world.
i'll go visit my friends. let's see if i can find them around town.
a soc drives past me, but he doesn't say anything, he doesn't call me a greaseball or throw anything at me. odd.
soda and steve are car watching. i won't disturb them.
ponyboy is walking home from the movies, but he looks content, and unafraid. glad he can walk home without any worries.
johnny and dally are walking around town, but johnny doesn't look so paranoid and dallas seems to genuinely be enjoying himself.
i see darry roofing a house, but he actually looks happy! i smile and wave at him. he waves back.
my hands are gloved now?
let me go home.
two-bit is asleep on the couch. i roll my eyes. was it really that difficult to walk to his room and sleep in his bed?
i go to mama's room. she's looking out of her window.
"mama?"
she turns to face me. "well, don't you look lovely today," she smiles warmly. i can't help but smile back. i look down at my outfit, but now i'm wearing a dress? and my hair is no longer down, it's... in an updo? do i at least have my converse?
damned high heels.
there's no longer any color. my new outfit is monochrome.
i try to walk over to mama, but i trip and fall, the scene around me evanesces and i can only hope i'm taken to safety.
my chances seem slim.
i land on the ground harshly, and everything is dark again, except for this spotlight on me. i'm no longer grayscale, but the same can't be said for the ensemble i'm wearing. i take my gloves off, but my hands look disfigured and deformed.
water begins to exude from my fingers, each droplet echoing vociferously. this makes my ears ache.
it's like my fingers are melting away, cohering to the forming spill of water.
a small dip in the ground, the rain starts to accumulate ; turning into a puddle, a pond, eventually a lake.
it begins to rain, adding on to the rising levels around me. i've become the downpour. i feel a stinging sensation in my nose, and everything becomes blurry.
i'm crying.
i desperately try to wipe my tears away, i can't cry. i'm not allowed.
but the tears keep flowing, mixing in with the rain. i look down at my liquid hands again. i try to smile, and some sunlight creeps in through the clouds. but as soon as i stop smiling, it forsakes me.
the water and the rain seem to mirror my emotional and mental state and the need for release and catharsis and the pain and hurt i feel within myself. but i can't let that win. i need to learn to manage any vehemence inside of my soul.
but the world can't be defeated
even when it's me against myself, i always seem to lose.
i cry harder, and the rain mimics me. by now i'm completely submerged, but i'm not struggling to breathe because of that. i'm struggling to breathe because of how i desperately want to stop crying, but i just can't. i look at my hand again.
is any of this real? the world seems to be falling apart around me, and i can't stop myself from crying no matter how hard i try. everything feels so uncertain and unstable, and i'm struggling to find a sense of reality and truth. but how can i find any sense of stability or peace if i don't know who i am or what's real?
my hand touches my wet face and i hopelessly try to wipe away my tears with my fingers, but the water seems to just spread and mix in with the rain. i look down at my hands again and just stare at them as they melt away in front of my eyes. i squeeze them as tight as i can and try to hold on, but it's too much. the water is flowing and flowing and flowing and i'm lost in it, lost in myself, lost in my own pain.
why is my existence such a problem? tears spill onto my hand, merging with it in rippling waves.
"Am I even real?"
the question hangs in the air for a moment, lingering and heavy, as i continue to cry and let myself drown in the rain and water that's quickly rising around me. my hands are warped and misshapen, no longer holding onto anything or anyone, just melting away into the lake of tears and rain that's swallowing me up.
am i real? or am i just an illusion, a figment of my own childish imagination, a stupid character in a dream that I've created to escape or run from my pain and hurt and sadness?
no, i'm not allowed to do this to myself.
i was supposed to be happy.
but nonexistent beings don't have feelings, so they can't be happy.
i just want my life back. please.
because it seems like i do not exist.