TW: ⚠️self harm⚠️
⚠️suicidal thoughts⚠️
I can't write about this stuff very well, and I started to write this on Tuesday and I still haven't finished until now.
So if no one likes it trust me I don't like it either.
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Allison's POV
It's officially been a week since Jake, molly and Mattheo barges into my room.
Not that much has happened, apart from
- Mollys moved back in
- Jake spends 4 hours with me everyday
- Mattheo checks my wrists and thighs every morning and every night
- and the rest of the group have been acting weird to me, as if they know what happened at the ball and as if they know about me cutting myself.
I've gone back to lessons, and to be honest I didn't miss that much. Only a couple practicals but I've caught up.
Mattheo has told me how we are going to be starting quidditch practice this week.
I don't know what day but in 2 weeks we have our first game against Hufflepuff.
Apparently they are really easy to beat, so it should be a quick game.
•
•
•
I wake up to Mattheo giving me a kiss on my forehead
"Morning" he whispers
"Morning" I say giving my arm to him
He checks my wrists and then lifts the covers off me to look at my legs "it's too cold, can you hurry up so I can get warm again" I complain
"Sure, but we need to go for breakfast" he says looking at my legs
"Do we have to go for breakfast, like can't we skip"
He gets up and looks at me "yes we have to go for breakfast, come on go in the shower"
"But the others look at me weirdly, as if they know what's going on, or we'll what's happened" I say
He looks at me with sorrow in his eyes "they know"
"They know?"
"They know"
"How the fuck do they know?"
He looks at me with regret "I don't know, I didn't tell them. I don't think Jake would of told them and I also don't think molly would tell them. But they know"
I don't say anything, I storm into the bathroom, slam the door shut and go in the shower.
And I break down, deep down I knew that they knew but I didn't want it to be true. I don't think anyone really wants their friends to know that they've been cutting themselves.
I start washing myself and look at the cuts on my ribs. Mattheo thinks he knows where I've been cutting myself but he doesn't.
I hate myself,
My parents are right I should of killed myself when I had the chance.
I'm a disgrace to my family,
To my friends,
To myself,
I hate it,
I want it to end,
I just want everything to end,
I want to go back to the day i was 8 playing in the lake.
Not because it was fun,
Because I had a chance to die.
I grab the blade and add another line to my collection.
I have roughly 17 lines on my ribs.
The blood seeps down my skin, slowly making its way to cover my body.
I get the water and clean it up.
I get out of the shower and dry myself off.
I check the cut to make sure it's stopped bleeding.
I go into my room with my towel wrapped around my body.
Mattheo is sitting in my bed, reading a new book of mine.
"Moby-Dick, not the best book in my collection"
"Eh, it's better then Great expectations" he says glancing at me
"How dare you say that, great expectations is so much better then Moby-Dick"
"I beg to differ" he says looking at the book
I take my towel off trying to hide my cuts.
I put on my skirt and am about to put on my shirt when Mattheo speaks
"What's that"
"What's what?" I say trying to be clueless
"On your ribs" he says pointing
"Oh I accidentally hurt myself when shaving"
"That doesn't even make sense as you don't have a razor in your bathroom" he says
"Umm, yeah I do" I say buttoning up my shirt
He walks over to me while I'm doing my tie.
"Please, how many times do I need to tell you. I love you, I may not have asked you to be girlfriend but trust me it's going to be soon. But please stop hurting yourself"
I look down "it's hard. I deserve it" I mumble the last bit but he still heard it
"Princess, you don't deserve that, you deserve love, and not hurting yourself" he says lifting my chin up
"My parents told me to kill myself. Do you know how hard it is to hear your own parents say that to you" I say tearing up
"I do, I do know what it's like to hear my parents telling me to kill myself. In fact I used to cut myself just like how your cutting yourself. Because I felt worthless, useless, better off dead. I know how it feels, every single day I was reminded how much of a disappointment, a burden, a dead beat I was to my family." He says
"You used to cut yourself?"
"Yeah, on my arms and legs, everyday for 7 months. I made a promise to molly that I would stop, then I had months of temptation to cut myself. But I saw how much it would hurt molly if I did end up killing myself" he says
I hug him, "i love you Theo"
He hugs me back "I love you more princess, but please stop hurting yourself"
"I can't though" I mumble
"Why can't you princess"
"The temptation, I deserve it, it's better if I did to put myself out of this misery. It would be better if I did for everyone else"
He pulls away and looks at me "you - stop talking like that, I need you."
I look up at him "No you don't, everyone would be better off without me"
"How many god damn times do I need to fucking tell you, I love you, I love you Allison. I don't care about your parents one bit. But I do care about you, I care about you"
I look down at my feet "I don't know what to do"
"What do you mean"
"I just don't know what to do, I don't know how to explain it but my answer is I don't know what to do"
He lifts up my chin "princess I will always be here for you, please don't hurt yourself. You can hurt me but not yourself"
I stare into his eyes "I am never going to hurt you, so don't say that"
"By hurting yourself your hurting me"
"How"
"It's hurts to know that your able to do that to yourself willingly"
"But you used to cut yourself"
"We aren't talking about me, and I stopped when molly begged me to. Honestly if I hadn't of stopped I would be dead right now. So please"
I stare at him "Did your dads friends grope you?"
"What" he says confused
"Did your dad ever let his friends grope you when you were 9 till you left to go to hogwarts"
"No"
"Well my dad did, him and his friends took it in turns beating me. They would laugh at my pain, would laugh at me begging for them to stop" a tear drops down my cheek
"What" he says concerned
"Yeah, that's one of the reasons I tried to kill myself. I just wanted it to stop. But when my aunt found out she was furious, I don't even know how she found out but I'm so glad she did"
"Princess"
"No it's fine, it's in the past"
"That doesn't make it fine just because it's in the past"
"It does though, it doesn't happen anymore"
"Princess, change into comfy clothes we aren't going to classes today"
"Why"
"Why, because I just found out you have been groped when you were a child, and your still cutting yourself. So change and we can have a movie date"
"Can I choose"
"Ofcourse you can"
Theo has gone to his room to change into some Pyjamas and to get some snacks.
I walk over to my draws, I pull out one of Theo's tops and a pair of shorts.
I go into the bathroom and brush my teeth because I have nothing breath, it's not that bad but it's probably bad.
When I'm done I go to my bed and grab the remote, I turn on the tv and go onto Netflix.
I put on 'After' I just love the story line.
Theo walks into my room with loads of sweets, and chocolate.
"Is that my top?" He says confused
"Yep, why?"
He walks over to me drops the food on the bed and comes right up to me "it just looks beautiful of you"
"I love you" I say kissing him
He pulls away "I love you more princess"
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It's now 5pm,
We need to go for dinner but I can't be assed to move.
"Princess" he says softly
"Nope"
He chuckles "we are going for dinner come on"
"Nope"
He gets up "I will drag you if I have to"
"Can you carry me instead"
"Sure, now get your shoes on"
I get out of my lovely, warm bed and slip on some trainers.
I walk over to Mattheo and jump into his arms
"Your so lazy" he laughs
"But you love me" I laugh
"True"
We walk, or should I say Mattheo walked over to the great hall.
When we sit down with our friends they all look at us.
"Where have you guys been" Jake says
"Probably having sex" Molly mumbles
"Eww stop, don't get that image in my head" Jake says
"No we didn't have sex, we had a movie date" I say
"What did you watch?" Pansy asks
"We watched the 'After' franchise" I say
"So why didn't you come to lessons" Draco says
"Like I said we had a movie date" I say
"Allie I'm not that stupid, what's the real reason" Draco says
"I don't want to say" I mumble
"Fine, but we are here if you want to talk" he says
"Thanks" I say
I place some food on my plate, I'm still full from the sweets.
"Are you ok" Theodore says
"I'm fine"
"Are you not hungry" Pansy says
"I ate loads of sweets"
"How are you" Enzo says
"Im fine"
"Are you sure" Jake says
"Can you guys shut up, please. I know that you all know, but you don't have to worry. Im going to stop"
I look over to Mattheo "I promise im going to stop"
"You haven't stopped?" Jake says
"I'm fine" I say getting up
"I will be in my dorm if any of you want me. But I don't want to be Bombarded with questions"
I walk out of the hall and walk to the Slytherin common room.
While walking I bump into someone.
"I'm so sorry" the timid voice says
I look down to see Nova "Nova"
She looks up at me "Allie"
I hug her "how have you been"
"I've been good, how have you been"
"Just the normal drama"
She laughs "are you now dating Mattheo"
"No, not yet" i say giving her a wink
"Where are you going?" I ask
"Back to my dorm" she says
"Do you want to hang out with me in the common room" I ask
"Sure" she says
We walk back to the common room before sitting down on the sofas
"So how's your classes been?" I ask her
"Good, apart from herbology. I'm useless at that" she says
"What are you learning"
"Devils snear"
"I have some books from beauxbatons that cover devil snear. Do you want to borrow them"
"Would you let me" she says
"Ofcourse I would" I say
"So what's gone on in your life" she says
"A lot, turns out I have an older brother that I didn't know existed and my sister that I saw die is actually alive. I've been disowned by my parents actually all of my siblings have been disowned" I say
"Bloody Merlin. That's a lot" she says
"I know"I laugh
We sit in the common room just talking until the rest of my group come.
"Hey guys" I say
"Hey, we want to apologise about how we've been acting around you" Pansy says
"It's fine, anyway Mattheo get your ass to the front"I call
He slowly walks around "say hi to nova, you rude bastard"
"Hey nova" he says sitting next to me
"Hey Mattheo, so why haven't you asked her out yet" she says
"I will trust me and when I do, I will get you involved don't worry" he laughs
"Good"she says
"Well I have to go, I need to beat up Jace for not getting me some chocolate frogs" she says getting up
"I will get you the book tomorrow" I say
"Ok" she says skipping up the stairs
"You guys do know you can sit down" I say
"Oh yeah" Molly says
They all sit down and we just start talking about anything.
4 hours later
"I'm gonna go to bed, night you guys" i say
"Night, I'm staying in Enzo's room tonight" Molly says
"Again" Theodore mumbles
"I'm gonna come up now" Mattheo says
"See you guys in the morning" I say walking to the stairs
I get to the top of the stairs when I hear mattheo's voice behind me "wait up"
I turn around to see him running up the stairs "Jesus why do you walk so fast"
I laugh "I don't"
"Sure" he chuckles
We walk to my dorm together "are you staying tonight?" I ask
"Sure" he says
We go into my dorm and I change into some pyjamas and Mattheo changes into some of his pyjamas that he's left here.
I go into the bathroom and brush my teeth, Mattheo has also left his toothbrush here so he does his teeth as-well.
When we are done we get into bed and cuddle.
"I love you" I whisper
"I love you more princess" he whispers back
That's all I hear before I drift off to sleep.
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A/N - I really dislike this chapter, I just don't know what to write for this chapter so I guessed.
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