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+ Harlow +
I smile over at my twirling daughter as she shows Sebastian her newest ballet turn. She loves dancing and is quite the natural. Ava is thriving here already, and I feel a pull at my heartstrings knowing this life, here in New York City, will help her far beyond what I dreamed for my daughter.
Ava and I have talked a few times over facetime to Sebastian since returning to the city. Ava is still reflecting on her calling him Dad as we left. She hadn't talked to him about it, but last night she eloquently explained to me why she needed him in her life and what she felt that meant for her.
"I've never had a daddy, not really." She looked down at her hands as they sat folded in her lap. "I just got confused, and he is exactly what I thought would happen when a dad came along for me. I wished for it all the time. I'm sorry, I know it was wrong, but I want a daddy so badly. Not a Corey."
I ache knowing my little girl is right, she deserved more from her father, Ava deserves the world. I'm aware that I can give her many things, and the irrational part of my brain aches for the ability to find her the perfect dad, though I know damn well I already have.
I beam as I watch her spinning with the phone held out in front of her face, her little black ballet slippers gliding across the wooden floor as her puffy magenta dress circles her. She is so smitten with him, and these past five days have shown me just how much this amazing man has given us while being in our lives. She bows as Sebastian claps on the other end of the phone. "That was amazing, Tink!" He praises her as a smile covers my lips.
This first week has been more difficult than I predicted it would, bringing forth that lingering thought of getting attached too quickly to someone who could still very well decide to leave.
"And mommy is cooking meatloaf tonight, homemade mashed potatoes..." she cheerily grins over at me as she wiggles her eyebrows at the phone. I hear Sebastian making yummy sounds with a chuckle on the other end of the phone.
My little tease of a daughter giggles, "it's too bad you won't be here to eat any of it, Sebby. It'll be the yummiest one yet."
"Oh, is that so? I wish I could be there eating it with you, Tinkerbell." He spoke loud enough for me as she nodded and looked at me with hopeful eyes, angling the phone in my direction. I chuckle and lean into the frame, "she's right honey, it's got the makings to be my best work so far."
He groans jokingly as I shrug and get back to editing. He adds a quick, "Ava make sure Mommy writes it down this time."
I pause and turn around in my chair, his teasing tone making me chuckle as I retort, "hey it was one time and I just about have that brownie recipe perfected again!" He won't let me live down that time that I perfected the most amazing cookie dough brownies and forgot to take note as I played with ingredients.
I shift again quickly as my daughter gasps loudly. She smiles after she sees my panic, stinker. "I forgot to tell you, Sebbie, I got a solo in dance!"
I nodded, "I was wondering when you were gonna tell him!" I hear Sebastian whooping on the phone as Ava hops around the living room with him in her hands.
I lean into the phone as I stand up, "hey, I miss you, but I'm going to get ready for work. Call me tonight if you can!"
I turn and smile as Ava waves me off to go get dressed, hearing a snippet of the conversation as I turn into my room.
"Hey, I have a friend here with me!" Sebastian beams at the phone as Ava sits on the edge of the couch leaning in to see who it is.
+ Sebastian +
I sip on my coffee as I listen to Ava tell Chris over facetime that he isn't technically the real Captain America, my friend acting hurt as she giggles.
"Hey Chris, do you want to play a game with me next time I see you?" The sweet look of hope on my girl's face made Chris literally 'awe' before he answered 'of course'.
"I hope I see you soon, Chris. But I have to go soon. Can I talk to my Sebbie?"
I smile at her as Chris waves and hands it off to me.
She looks softened as she lays back on the couch, "Seb, I'm sad. I know you're there for good reason, I really miss you. And Mommy is working really hard but she is just keeping busy. I love you alots and I know I said something before we left on a plane..."
I smiled and leaned in, knowing exactly what she was hinting at. I softly smile at her,
"Ava love, you did nothing wrong at the airport. Don't think you did for even a second. I understand that feeling, my dad wasn't around much either. But your Sebbie isn't going anywhere. I promise, I love you far too much to miss any of your adventures...Tinkerbell, you're far too amazing. And I get to hold your hand through it! How lucky am I?!"
I watch the way sweet tears fill her eyes as I speak, the smile she tilts with her gaze in my direction before she looks down with pink tear stained cheeks. "I hope one day you can be my dad, Sebbie."
I smile and nod, whispering, "me too sweetheart. Go pack your bags and help Momma a little extra today, I love you."
She smiled and waved, "love you too Sebbie."
Chris plops down next to me as she hangs up. I sigh as I smile over at him, both of us in costume for the film. He looked like he had a load to share. Letting out a sigh, "you're signing up for a lot with them, gotta say I didn't see it coming."
I smile and nod, "I know, I'll admit I still have fear, but not a single doubt that I was meant to meet them."
Chris gave me a half smile, "I know they're amazing, so special, both of them. But this life, Sebastian, for Ava...Harlow even. I don't mean to overstep, but please be careful."
"Five days, it's been five days and I know, now more than ever, this is the path I was meant for. But what do you mean by that?"
Chris ran his hand over his face, I could see his nerves on the subject, "they're both fragile and now, more than ever, they're being watched. A lot. You need to make sure they're well protected."
My heart dropped, he was right. It may have been overstepping, but I needed to hear it. "I get it, thanks Evans." I stood and pat his shoulder before working through a scene so I could disappear and go to sleep at a hotel. He was right, I needed to protect them.
+ Harlow +
I hold Ava's hand as we stand in the elevator of our old home, Ava holding onto the small daisy Norm handed her with a bright smile as we walked in the door. My little girl was nervous, I could tell in the way she bit at her lip and tapped her foot. Her little yellow polka dot dress adorned in small dirt marks from her early afternoon playground play date. She looked up at me, "promise that this'll be ok?" I smile down at her and hold on my pinky, "pinky promise, Ava."
When the doors opened she let out a breath that I mimicked. Henry opened his door as soon as we walked out into the hallway. He looked exhausted but definitely healthier than last we saw him. He was dressed like he just finished a workout, his glistening forehead told me he had.
"Hey pretty girl," he knelt down with open arms toward Ava. That tiny blonde walked slowly into his grasp and wrapped her little arms around him hesitantly, she wasn't scared but definitely uneasy. My hands nervously run down my sides as I dry off hand sweat, I was far more uneasy than I let on for my girl.
"Hey Unc," she smiled softly as she played with his cheek stubble and studied him.
"I'm so sorry Ava, I wasn't myself and you deserved so much better." She nodded and patted his cheek softly with her little hand as I stood in the front walkway with my arms crossed.
My brother looked at me with a soft gaze that looked broken and sincere. He walked toward the couch with Ava in his arms. "Hey Harlow, thanks for bringing her over," he smiled as Ava shimmed onto the couch next to him.
I smile at him and walk to sit across from them on the opposite couch, "of course, we missed you." I lied, slightly, the truth is I've been hurting as I reflect on my time with my older brother. He didn't see me, trust me, believe in me. But for my daughter I will swallow my pride and be happy that for her sake he is trying.
I watched my daughter play legos with Henry for an hour before Saundra arrived to pick her up for dance class. The pair talked about her dancing and piano, she asked about his friends and baseball. I watched my daughter warm back up to our last living family and felt slightly less heavy as she grabbed her things to go to dance with Saundra.
"Love you Hen, see you later!" Ava hugs him tight and skips over to me where I sit at the kitchen table and sip on coffee.
"Momma, I'll tell you all about dance when I get home. But please, can we have pizza for dinner?"
I put on my best thinking face as she climbs into my lap with excited little hazel eyes, "I think I can arrange that."
I smile as she claps and wraps me in a tight hug. "See you later Momma, love you tons."
I chuckle, "I love you bunches."
I watch her little converse covered feet patter toward the door as she sing-songs, 'tons and bunches' the entire way.
As Saundra waves and closes the door behind her, the sound of Ava's giggling disappearing behind the door. I sigh and turn to face my brother, watching as he sits across from me quietly. I wasn't skeptical or angry, I felt hope as I waited for him to speak.
"I see you Harlow, I know I fucked up. Big. I don't expect forgiveness or acceptance, but I am so sorry. I'm not good at this, but I want to fix it."
I let out a breath I hadn't realized I held in as he spoke. "I had an entire speech prepared but I can see you too, it'll take time but we can heal this. You're my brother and I love you. I'm just hurting. How're you feeling?"
My brother and I talked for a while about addictive tendencies and broken dreams. He gave me the opportunity to open up about Corey, really open up; for the first time in my life it was like my family heard me. We were on our way to healing by the time I left that evening. Before I leave Henry hands me a small box, adorned in pastel blue wrapping paper with white polka dots and a white ribbon. I look at the gift in my hands and up at my brother with an inquisitive stare. I couldn't remember the last gift he'd given me.
"For all the fucked up birthdays and forgotten celebrations. You deserved more from me Harlow, I see it now and had to do this for you, I'm proud of you." I beam up at my brother, feeling the tears sting my eyes.
"You've never said that before," I whisper as he squeezes my shoulder. "It's true," he smiles softly as I stare at the box. "I'm just sorry my baby sister had to wait so long to hear it from me." In that moment I realized I don't know if anyone in my family had ever told me that before and I wanted to sob.
I look at the box and back at my brother, "thank you Henry."
He smiled and pulled me into a hug, "open it at home after Ava goes to sleep." I stare at him with a pressed brow and shrug, "okay. I should get going then. See you next week sometime for breakfast?"
He always was strange about gift giving, always saying it was so personal. He nodded and walked me to the door, "I wouldn't miss it, Har. Love you."
"Love you too, Hen." I smile as I slip out the door.
Later on, I sit and stare at the baby blue box as Ava sleeps soundly in her bedroom. She was wound up after dance and kept me running around all evening. I let out a sigh as my fingers dance along the mystery package in front of me. "What do you hold?"
The anxiety had build as the hours passed. Henry wasn't much of a gift giver, he was a card and cash kinda brother. This felt sentimental, and it has my mind racing.
"Fuck it," I hum as I open up the box and see a small note on top of white tissue paper. I open up the piece of paper and see my brother's sloppy cursive.
Harlow,
I feel like I have to explain myself because you always deserved better. I wasn't enough, and I was too weak to see you for exactly what you are. Powerful. When you and Ava arrived I was far more broken than I let on, which isn't fair to you or that amazing daughter of yours.
My incredible sister that never needed anyone has done something great, you survived and absolutely killed it at motherhood. I'm not great at telling you but I really am proud of you, I appreciate you sharing your side of our childhood with me that day I lost it. I needed to hear it, I was far too self centered to see what was right in front of me.
I love you sis, this is just my way of starting to play catch up for being a shitty brother for far too long.
Love ya,
Henry
I open the box to see a photo album, I lift it slowly and flip through the photos. It's full of so many moments he and I shared, including one he cheekily added of the Christmas I spent with him and his friends years ago, Sebastian in it as well, all of us laughing as the photo was snapped. A small sticky note reading, "watching you two reconnect and fall in love is a gift, little sister. You two deserve each other."
The tears escape my eyes as I flip through memories, one photo of my mom and I catching my attention as I stare at it. Remembering the day I spent with my mom in NYC sightseeing when I was a preteen, while Henry and Dad were off adventuring elsewhere. That was my last good summer with my mother, she became colder that year, more judgmental of my every decision.
The photos of he and I throughout the years were edited with little noted from my brother about each memory. It was thoughtful and must have taken time. I held the album to my chest with a smile. I planned on thanking Henry on the phone the next day.
+ Sebastian +
"Baby, it's less than one more week, it'll be worth it when I'm back, I promise." I smile at the phone as I lean back in the overstuffed recliner in my hotel room.
The way her nose crinkled center screen before she sighed gave me a fluttery feeling, she's adorable. "I know, but I miss you. A lot. Too much Seb." She raises her eyebrows as the lights in her apartment slowly turn off. I watch quietly as she peaks into Ava's little bedroom and smirks with a nod before clicking the door closed.
"How's she doing?" I ask in a lighthearted tone as I watch her lay onto her bed, her little feet kicked up behind her as she shrugs.
"She's okay, full of energy and story telling, my little showboat. She and Henry are a lot better, which is very healing, he seems well. She was so happy being with him, I just worry. Constantly."
I nod, "that's fair, time heals." She smirked and nodded, "I can see how much she misses you though, talking about the adventures we must have when you come home...she isn't alone in that feeling."
"Baby doll, I miss you too but this will be something we will have to learn through as we live through it." If we were ever going to work, this challenge of being a part would be part of our normal, I hate that for them but I will make it worth it.
The small sigh that leaves her plump lips makes me ache for her. "I miss you everyday too, Lo. Probably more than you could imagine." The small moan of a hum she releases goes right to my cock, "angel, what're you doing?" I naturally wrap my hand around my sex as I watch the little twinkle in her eye flicker with a smirk feathering her lips. She shifts to lay back on her pillow while watching me. There's something wicked in the flicker of dark hues swimming in her hazel eyes.
"I'm thinking about having you here, what you feel like...how badly my body aches for you, honey."
"Are you touching yourself?" I hum into the phone as I stroke myself. I watch as she props her phone against something and lays back, her perfect little pussy on display as she rubs herself slowly. "Would that be such a bad thing, darling?" She softly asks as she tightens her fist around her black blanket.
I felt my breath hitch as I watched her, the small mewls that leave her lips as she plays with herself. "Please tell me I'm not alone in this self pleasure?" She whimpers as her head rolls back, locking eyes with mine as her muscles tighten.
"I couldn't help myself, you know what your little sounds do to me," I smile as she blushes in the dull lighting of her room. "Yeah?" She whimpers with asking, hazel orbs.
"I love my angel girl, can't wait to taste you again." I watch as her fingers quicken and I follow her lead, thinking about how amazing her mouth felt last I had her.
She giggles as I open my eyes again, "spit on it," she smirked in a cheeky way. "Spit on it and fuck your hand, Sebastian."
A moan fell from my lips before I did as she said, I watched as she slid her fingers into her mouth before slowly allowing them to disappear inside her sex with a small hummed moan.
"Such a beautiful girl," I drop an octave as her brows lace together, she is getting close. I can see it in her breathing and the way her knees quiver.
"Cum for me, baby," I plead as I feel myself sprinting toward my own high. "I wanna watch you cum," I plead as she whimpers and draws circles on her clit while her other hand's fingers glide inside of her.
"Yes, yes, fuuu-" she pleads as I watch her toes curl. "Sebastian..." She chases her high, her stunning hazel eyes staring at the phone as she releases. I can slightly see her slick covering her fingers and the sheets as her legs relax slowly.
"I wanna watch you finish, Seb." She holds the phone closer to her face as she licks her fingers. I tumble over the edge at the sight of her. I make a mess all over my belly as she smirks before me, I beam as I look at my girl from where I sit miles and miles away. I sigh, "that was perfect, you're perfect."
I beam as she shrugs, seemingly bothered by being called perfect. "What's wrong?" I search her face as her fair skin lights up my phone. I wipe of my mess with my shirt and toss it lazily into my dirty pile.
Shaking her head she looks away, "I'm just far from perfect." When I shake my head she gets flustered, "Sebastian, I'm broken, not perfect." She was defensive and I could see an aura of sadness around her.
I frown, "Lo, are you alright?" It took such a simple push and the dynamic changes entirely. She nodded, "just sleepy, I should head to bed. Ava and I have a busy day tomorrow."
I nod and kiss toward the camera, "love you angel girl." Her pearly smile seemed forced, "love you too, Seb."
I slept so peacefully but the tinge of worry I felt as I drifted to sleep was growing, I needed to take care of them. Tomorrow I'd start planning on just how to do that.
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A.N. Hey stranger, it's been a strange year. I am slowly chipping away at the sweet golden aura'd momma we all know and love. Though, I'm in the midst of working on something a little more fiery in the meantime. Thank you so much for the love and support. I hope this finds you well sweet babes <3