I DO NOT own Bob's Burgers. This is just for entertainment purposes.
Tanner's POV:
After a long day at the restaurant, it was about time for me and the Belchers to get to bed. Well, everyone except Mrs. Belcher. She was dressed up and looked like she was getting ready to go somewhere. I was about to get into my sleeping bag when I smelled Mrs. Belcher's perfume. She doesn't normally wear that unless she's about to go somewhere. I went to see what was happening when I saw Gene walking into their room, as well.
Linda: Bachelorette party! All right!
Going to the strip club. All right.
Going to Pickles. Boy, am I gonna need some quarters tonight. Ha ha!
Bob: Quarters?
Linda: Yeah. Mmm-Hmm
Bob: What are you gonna do with quarters, Lin?
Linda: I'll plop them in their g-strings.
Bob: You'll plop quarters in their g-strings.
Linda: Plop them right in.
Gene: Plippity-plop.
Bob: At Pickles?
Linda: Pickles.
Bob: Why do they call it pickles?
Linda: They actually serve pickles.
Bob: Hmm.
Linda: No. I'm not kidding. They really have good pickles.
Tanner: Pickles are good. Have them with a grilled cheese. Try kosher or gherkins. Highly recommend it.
Linda: Tanner, you think they wouldn't, but they're delicious.
Tanner: But I didn't say I think they wouldn't be good.
Bob: You're going to dinner theater, aren't you?
Linda: Ha ha ha! What? What do you mean?
Why, that's crazy.
.
.
Fine, Bob. You got me.
I know you don't approve of dinner theater, so I fibbed.
Tanner: (Dramatic gasp)
Bob: You know what? I'd rather you go to a strip club.
Gene: What do you have against dinner theater, dad?
Bob: Well, first of all, Gene, it's neither dinner nor theater.
It's like the imitation cheese of theater.
Gene: Sounds fun. Imitation cheese is delicious.
Linda: That's my boy. That's my star.
Bob: Linda, you know what the real problem is?
Linda: What?
Bob: It's the result of dinner theater, what it does to you, makes you sing everything.
(Flashback)
Bob: Who was that?
Linda: ♪ Wrong number ♪
Bob: (groans)
Linda: Yeah.
Cut
Bob: So what's for breakfast?
Linda: ♪ Eggs, eggs, eggs, bom bom ♪
♪ eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs ♪
Bob: Oh, my God.
Linda: ♪ bom bomp! ♪
Cut
Bob: 😏So, Lin, it's... all right.
Linda: ♪ Not tonight, no ♪
Bob: . . . 🤨Okay
Linda: ♪ Not tonight, no ♪
Bob: 😠I get it!
(Present)
Bob: And so, you're gonna be doing that all week, right?
Linda: ♪ nooooooOOOOOOOOOO!♪ Yeah!
Bob: Ha ha ha!
(At the Off-Ramp Broadway Theater)
Man: ♪We drink, we loot, we r*pe, we shoot ♪
Different man: ♪We sing, we dance, we twirl, we prance ♪
Performers/audience: ♪ we're the pirates of panache ♪
♪ panache ♪
THE NEXT DAY . . .
Mort came in as everyone was doing there own thing.
Mort: Linda, tell me everything.
Linda: Oh, Mort, I'm telling you, to be in dinner theater... if I could do my life over again, oh, if I could just have one chance...
Bob: You'd do that?
Linda: Yeah.
Bob: Linda, what are you talking about? You've got a great life.
You work in a restaurant. You get to feed the world, right?
Linda: (mumbles) Right.
Bob: There was someone in here from Canada last week, remember, and we learned all about that country.
Linda: (mumbles) It's great.
Louise: (Deep voice) I hate that country.
Mort: You know, Linda, you've got the dinner part already. You know what that means.
You're halfway to doing...
Linda: Yeah?
Mort: Your own...
Linda: Say it. Yeah.
Linda: Say it. What?! What?!!
Mort: Dinner theater! Your very own dinner theater!!
Linda: Dinner theater. Yes! Yeah!
Gene: Yay! Why are we excited?
Bob: Hamburger dinner theater?
Linda: Oh, come on, Bobby?
We work hard every day to make your dream come true. Why can't we do my dream, too?
Bob: About how long do you think your dream will take, like an hour, hour and a half?
Linda: You crazy? It's got to be at least a 3-week engagement.
Bob: 3 weeks? How about 3 days?
Linda: All right. 🙂 We'll take it. Ha ha!
This is gonna be wonderful!
Gene: What's the show gonna be?
Linda: Ah, murder. Murder-Mystery.
Bob: Ach.
Louise: How about mass murder mystery?
Linda: Ok. Sure.
Mort: And a musical?
Linda: Of course.
Tina: Can it also be a love story?
Linda: Aw, a mass murder mystery musical love story set in...
Louise: nazi Germany.
Gene: Oh, in Montreal.
Louise: Enough with Canada!
Tina: In a ketchup factory, a sexy ketchup factory?
Bob: 🤨
Linda: 🙂
Tanner: 🤨
Louise: 🙂
Gene: 🙂
Tina: (squeezes empty ketchup bottle slowly)
Tanner: How about some place death related?
Mort: I got it! In a morgue!
I have props.
Bob: Oh, come on.
Linda: Yes. Yes! Mort, that's it!
We'll call it "Dreamatorium".
Bob: Really?
Linda: ♪ Dreamatorium! It's a Dreamatorium ♪
Bob: Ugh.
Linda: ♪ Bom bomp ♪
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Linda: Look at this set. Am I in a morgue? Oh, it feels like I am.
I am just so happy we've all been bitten by the dinner theater bug.
Now, Gene, you're on sound effects, naturally.
Gene presses a button on his keyboard.
Gene's voice: Aah!
Gene: Ominous.
Linda: Chills. Oh.
Remember, every character gets some intro and outro music.
Gene: You got it. (plays "Mysterioso pizzicato")
Bob: Don't.
Don't score me.
*Fart sound*
Linda: Mort, you're on visual effects.
Mort: Fake blood . . . Or is it?
Linda: Now, script.
As you know, everyone who enters my morgue is mysteriously killed.
Mort... body delivery guy, victim one.
DUN
Gene... flower delivery guy, victim two.
DUN
Tina... tree, victim 3.
DUN
Louise... the Butler who everyone thinks is the killer. You're the red herring.\
DUN
Gene: Tinas' a tree that gets killed?
Linda: She wants to be a tree, she can be a tree. Tina has got stage fright.
Tina: I have stage fright?
Linda: Yeah, sweetie, ever since you were a little baby.
(Flashback)
Linda: Tina, say, "mommy." Mommy.
Baby Tina: Uh...
Linda: Ma.
Baby Tina: Uh
Linda: No.
CUT
Barber: I'll keep cutting. You say when.
Young Tina: Uh... Uh. Uh.
9-1-1 Operator: 911. What's your emergency?
Tina: Uh...
Bob: Tina! Help!
Tina: Uh...
9-1-1 Operator: Hello?
Bob: Tina! fire!
Tina: Uh...
(Present)
Tina: That explains a lot.
Gene: What about Tanner?
Linda: Hmm . . .
Tanner: How about I be the detective that looks for said killer? I got a suit in my bag, and I can even make an FBI I.D.
Linda: 🙂 Ooooo. I love it!
Tanner: Should I be killed or alive?
Linda: Hmm. We'll think about that part.
Tanner: (turns to Louise) I got my eye on you, butler.
Louise: Don't look too hard unless you want your eyes to pop out of your sockets.
Tanner: . . .
Louise: . . .
Tanner/Louise: (chuckle)
Linda: Now, Bobby, there's a small part I'd like you to play... the tree surgeon who tries to save the tree but instead becomes victim number 4 or 5 if we figure out Tanner's conclusion.
Bob: I'd love to, but absolutely not. I'm already doing the dinner part of this dinner theater, Lin, by myself, I might add.
Tanner: I only have a few scenes and a few lines, Mr. B. I can help you with most of the orders.
Linda: See? It's not bad to do two things at once. It's one line.
Bob: I don't know, Lin
Linda: What's the matter? Afraid you might get bitten? Bzz bzz bzz! Gotcha!
Bob: Ha ha! Yeah. Ok. Good.
Linda: Let's do a scene right now. Come on. Let's do an improv.
Bob: An improv?
Linda: Yeah, an improv. I... hi.
What's your... hi. How are you? I'm just standing out here.
Bob: . . . So am I.
Linda: It's cold out.
Bob: . . Not really.
Linda: Uh...
Bob: I have a big coat on.
Linda: See? You're good. You're good.
That was good.
Bob: (overlapping) I don't like it.
Linda: Yes.
Bob: (overlapping) I don't like it.
Linda: That was a whole scene. It just becomes a play. I love that.
Louise: That's the play we should do. We'll call it "Big Coat".
Later on Opening night
Everyone was getting ready for there big night
Louise: Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Tina: Um, are you taking to me?
Louise: I'm warming up my instrument!! Unbelievable!
Tina: I'm sor... uh...
Louise: Hey, I'm sorry. It's preshow nerves. Come here. Hug for luck.
. . .
Louise: You freaking idiot! You don't hug for luck in the theater!
Tina: Uh...
Louise: Shh shh shh. Shh shh.
I'm sorry, baby. Shh shh. I didn't mean it, baby.
You know how I get before a big show. You know how I get.
. . .
Louise: Get off of me!
Tina: Uh.
Louise: You're smudging my makeup!
Tina: Uh...
Louise: You want me to go out there in front of these people with this makeup all smudged, you clumsy oaf!
Sorry, baby.
Come here.
Tanner: Everything okay back here, prime suspect?
Tanner showed up in his suit -- ready to play "the investigator".
Louise: Just showing Tina how proper actors prepare for their opening night. (Looks at Tanner, up and down) Why do you have a suit in your bags?
Tanner: Just one of my mementos I have from my grandfather. Why? Does it look good?
Louise: (shrugs) I guess. I've never been much of a person to gussy up.
Tanner: Well, your suit does make you look quite menacing.
Louise: (bows) Thank you.
Tina: Hey, Tanner. Has mom mentioned about how your part would go in the show?
Tanner: (Shrugs) She said I can surprise her with what I can come up with, saying that she would like to be surprised with what I think of.
(Gene starts playing upbeat music)
🎶
(Linda greets the customers)
Linda: Good evening, ladies. Please enter and be tained.
(Tanner helps Bob with giving some customers their orders)
Tanner: Here you go. Hope you enjoy the food and the show.
Teddy: I don't get it, Bob. Why are people buying tickets to your burger?
Bob: Linda is putting on a dinner theater, so you're paying for the entertainment plus the burger.
Teddy: . . . What if someone only wants to eat a hamburger?
Bob: I guess you could just pay for the burger and turn your back to the stage.
Teddy: I could kind of watch like this, you know, with my peripheral vision.
Bob: It'd be the honor system, Teddy. I mean, if you find yourself watching the show, you should probably buy a ticket, right?
Teddy: Oh, that's fair. That's more than fair.
Bob: Shh, but, Teddy, you can't talk during the show.
(Linda starts signaling to start the performance)
Teddy: No, no, no. I get it-
One time I was at the movies, right,
Bob: (overlapping) Teddy! Shh!
-and this guy's phone goes off during...
Bob: Teddy, they're starting.
Teddy: (Whispering) And this guy's phone goes off...
Bob: (overlapping) Don't tell the story, Teddy.
Teddy: And he picks up the phone...
Bob: (overlapping) Don't tell... shh!
Teddy: And everyone in the theater is like, "stop it"...
Bob: (overlapping) Teddy, stop.
Teddy: Stop telling... and everyone is like, "who's the klller?"
Bob: Shut your mouth.
Teddy: Right. No. That's what that guy did.
Bob: Shut your mouth.
Linda: Ahem!
Bob: . . .
Teddy: . . .
Linda: Everything dies... ♪ But love ♪
Good evening. This is the story of love, but there will be a murderer, and it's up to you to guess who that murder is.
Hint... it's not me...Because I'm just Gladys, a lonely morgue owner.
You know, they say most people find love where they work. Well, look where I work.
Mort: Corpse delivery for a lonely morgue owner.
Linda: ♪ That would be me ♪
FLICK (Lights off)
Mort: Waaueeeegh! I've been murdered. . to death.
FLICK (Lights on)
Customers (minus Teddy): Aah! Aah!
Tanner: Oh God!
Customers: Aaaah!!
Officer Cliffany: So, no actual murder tonight, just a lot of fake blood and fake organs.
Mort: 😏 Yeah. Right. Right. Fake.
Bob: Yeah. We might have overdone it a little on the Gore.
Tanner: Yeah, it's probably not something people wanted to see especially something so graphic on opening night.
Officer Cliffany: Well, no harm done.
Officer Julia: Except for the people being treated for shock.
Bob: Yeah, and the people who demanded their money back.
Linda: Eh.
Short time later . . .
Linda: Well, the next performance is gonna be really great.
Bob: Next performance? Wasn't tonight's debacle the end of dinner theater?
Linda: I just need to tweak some stuff for tomorrow's show, maybe tone down the blood a smidge.
Louise: What?!
Tina: I've been thinking. I want to get over this stage fright.
I think I'd like to have a line.
Linda: Aw, Bob, our tree is growing up and sprouting words.
Let's write you a speech for tomorrow night's performance.
Tina: Can I say, "No. Don't"?
Linda: That's e-exactly what a tree would say.
Tina: I'll have it memorized by tomorrow night.
Bob: Lin, you lived out your dream on stage for a couple minutes, and since there were no charges filed, they can never take that away from you, right?
Linda: Bob, my dream has not been ♪ satisfied ♪
(Gene slides by on the "fake" blood)
Gene: The show must go on, dad.
Linda: Yeah. Did you give up after you made your first burger?
(Gene slides by again)
Gene: It ain't over till it's over.
Linda: No. You added garlic powder.
Gene: Luck is 90% preparation and...
Bob: Gene, enough.
Gene: (Slips) mm.
PLOP
Gene: mm.
Bob: Oh, two more shows.
Gene: (smacks lips) This tastes nothing like real blood!
That Night . . .
Gene: Flowers for a lonely morgue owner.
Linda: ♪ That's me ♪
Gene: Oh, God! That feels like a sharp knife in my belly.
Ohh! Aagh!
Aagh!
PLOP
Arrgh!
Bob: Psst, Gene.
Gene: Aagh! Agh! Agh!
Bob: Gene. Gene.
Gene: (Groaning) Yeah? Uh-huh?
Bob: Are you done?
Gene: (Groaning) No.
Bob: I need you to serve this to table 3.
Linda: Bob, shh!
He's dying.
Stop.
Bob: I'm sorry.
Linda: Come on... ahem. Come on, Butler.
Let's go out into the garden.
(Linda hands the knife the Tina who stabs it in the hollow part of her costume)
Tina: Uh...
Linda: (Whispering) Tina. Tina, it's your big line.
Tina: Uh...
Linda: (Whispering) Go.
Louise: No. Don't.
Linda: The tree, it's been murdered. Oh, Butler, who is committing all these murders?
Louise: Beats me.
Oh, there's my knife.
Knock Knock
Linda: Oh? Who could that be?
(Opens the door)
Can I help you?
Tanner: Hi, I'm Sgt. Alan Pierce. I'm with the local Police Department. We've gotten some calls about some recent homicides in the area.
Linda: Aren't you a little young to be an investigator?
Tanner: Yes. Yes, I am.
Linda: . . .
Tanner: Mind if I come in and ask you a few questions?
Linda: Oh. Of course! Come on.
(Closes the door)
Tanner: I want to start off by asking you some questions.
Linda: Okay.
Tanner: Where were you last Tuesday between 3:40pm and 9:20 pm?
Linda: I-I was here in the morgue. You know, doing morgue things.
Tanner: Hmm. Your name is Gladys, right?
Linda: Uh-huh.
Tanner: I understand that you've known the Morgue Delivery man. Am I wrong?
Linda: N-no. You're not wrong.
Tanner: Well, I'm afraid you're under arrest.
Linda: What why?!
Tanner: Be quiet! You have the right you say can and will be held against you in a court of law.
Louise: Oh, he's good.
LATER
Tanner: We've found your bloody fingerprint on the Morgue Delivery man's jacket
Linda: W-well. I . . uh..
Tanner: (slams fist on counter) Tell me the truth!!
Linda: Alright! I did it! ♪ T-the murderer was meeeee ♪ (fake crying)
Audience: (Applause)
Man: Wait. I'm confused. The investigator did good, but you explicitly told us at the beginning of the show you weren't the murder.
Linda: That's right. It's a twist.
Weird Woman: No. It's a lie. A lie is not a twist.
Tanner: How would you know? Have you actually seen a play or any other type of theater?
(Just then a suspicious man walks up)
Robber: Don't be nervous. You do this all the time.
Linda: The cast will be signing autographs if anyone would like one.
Robber: Everyone back in their seat! Now!
This is a robbery!
Gene: (Plays chord on keyboard)
Male #2: A robbery. Now, that's a twist.
Bob: This is not part of the show, people! This is a real robbery. Kids, get behind the counter.
Louise: We can take this guy.
I go high. You go low.
Tina: Wait. What?
Louise: Never mind. Never mind.
Tina: Wait.
Louise: You blew it. You blew it, Tina.
Robber: Everyone stay- Stay where you are! Give me everything in the register.
Bob: Yeah. Fine.
Listen. There are kids here, so don't do anything stupid...Er than rob this place.
Robber: Shut up, greaseball.
Bob: Don't call me greaseball... Uh, mask face.
Crowd: (laughter)
Bob: It's not part of the show!
Robber: Show?
Gene: (Organ playing chords)
Bob: Gene, stop.
Linda: Just take it easy.
Robber: Oh, I'll take it...Easy.
(The cops casually pull up in front . . .)
Officer Cliffany: Hmm, they added a robbery element to the show.
That's clever.
Officer Julia: The ski mask is a little cheesy.
Officer Cliffany: I think it looks pretty good.
(. . . and they drive away)
Bob: Ok. That's all of it.
Linda: You've got your money. Now be on your way.
Robber: Give me a little music.
Bob: Oh, come on. Just go.
Robber:
(Snapping)
♪ Ooh da eh ooh ♪
♪ do your last line again ♪
♪ go ♪
Linda: . .You've got your money. Now be on your way.
Robber:
♪ Maybe I'll leave, and maybe I'll stay ♪
♪ maybe it's the limelight ♪
♪ could be the singing ♪
Linda:
♪ 911 should be a-ringing ♪
Robber:
♪ but I can't stop ♪
Linda:
♪ and neither can I ♪
Crowd: (Applause)
Robber: Sit down. Sit down!
I'm kidding.
Everyone up. Come on!
Bob: It's not part of the show.
Robber: Play me out.
♪Upbeat music♪
Crowd: (Applause)
Weird Woman: Can you break a 5? I'd love to tip out the cast.
Bob: No! I can't break a 5, lady! I was just robbed! Did you not just see that? You were standing right here, idiot!
Weird Woman: Oh, you people commit.
Tanner: COMMIT?! Someone could've been hurt or worse!
Weird Woman: But you're an investigator.
Tanner: (facepalm) MY ROLE WAS A FREAKIN' ACT!
Bob: Get out!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Julia: We feel terrible we didn't stop that robbery last night.
Linda: Oh, that robbery was horrible. Ohh!
Though I have to admit, it felt so good to hear the audience applaud.
Robber?: Are you guys talking about that show last night?
I thought it was dazzling.
Linda: Oh, yeah? You saw "Dreamatorium"?
Robber?: Yeah. I caught the end of it. I thought the guy who played the robber really stole the show.
Is that why you guys are here?
Bob: No. They're here because the robber was a real robber, and he stole $227.
Robber?: (under breath) A little less than that.
Officer Cliffany: It'll be hard to catch this guy. Nobody got a good look at him.
Linda: Put this down in your report:
He was leading-man handsome.
Bob: He was wearing a ski mask.
Linda: Well, he had the presence of a young Burt Reynolds.
Robber?: And the pipes of an old Debbie Reynolds.
Mort: Hey, the on-line reviews are in.
Listen to this one. It's from "hoosierdaddy1997".
"The plot made zero sense, and the set looked like children made it..."
Linda: Yeah. Children did make it... my children.
Mort: "although the young man who played the investigator really piqued our interest due to the devotion and the way he made Gladys feel overwhelmed."
Linda: Still impressed with how you pulled that off, Tanner.
Tanner: I've been watching crime shows for years.
Mort: "But the reason to go see "Dreamatorium,"
"is the closing musical number.
"The chemistry between the robber character and the lonely morgue operator was sparktastic."
Bob: Did anyone mention the food?
Officer Cliffany: Uh...No.
Tanner: Sorry, Mr. B.
Bob: Great. So, the robbery got rave reviews.
Linda: Bob, we're a hit.
Bob: No, Linda. We were hit.
Officer Julia: Good one.
Officer Cliffany: Yeah. That's good.
Tanner: (chuckles) One of the best.
Bob: Hey, thanks.
Linda:I don't get it.
Bob: We were hit.
Robber?: A hit is... am I wrong?... Is a robbery, right?
Bob: Right. A hit is a robbery.
Robber?: Well, technically, for the cops...
Officer Julia: Technically, no. It's not...
Bob: Forget it. Forget it.
Officer Julia: But in layman's terms...
Bob: Forget it, everybody.
Linda: Nobody got hit.
Bob: Everybody forget it.
At Wagstaff . . .
Gene: There we were, putting on the show of our lives, when in walked a man with a g*n in his hand, and he was looking for you know who.
Louise: We will now take questions.
Kids: Oh! Me. Oh! Oh!
Louise: Large Tommy.
Large Tommy: Question for Tina. Were you scared?
Tina: Um, uh...
Louise: No. She wasn't.
Girl: Oh! Oh!
Louise: Normal-size Jenny.
Normal-size Jenny: How big was the gun, and did anyone get shot?
Louise: That's a two-part question.
I don't answer those.
Normal-size Jenny: Aww.
Louise: Tiny Peter.
Tiny Peter: Does this mean you're in a gang now?
Louise: That is correct.
Our gang is called "the broken glass kids".
We'll cut you.
Kids: Oh, wow. Ohh!
(Back at Bob's Burgers)
Linda: Ach, I can't wait for the show tonight.
Bob: What, tonight?
I thought maybe you'd consider canceling, but you're really committed to making me unhappy.
Mort: The show won't be the same without the robber.
Bob/Tanner: 😠😒
Mort: What? You're all thinking it.
Tanner: You know, someone could've died. Just thank God we're alright.
Robber?: I got to agree though. That guy could really sing... And rob.
Officer Julia: Well, again, our apologies. We'll follow us as soon as we hear anything.
Officer Cliffany: So happy for you, though.
Linda: Thanks. Ahh... Mort, you're right. What am I gonna do without the robber?
Robber?: You'll just have to...♪ Take it easy ♪
Linda: Wait a minute. That voice. Oh, my God, it's you. You're the robber.
Robber?: Guilty.
Tanner: Well. We're boned.
Robber: Last night was something, wasn't it?
Linda: Oh, I know. We were electric together.
Robber: So, let's do it again tonight.
Bob: Yes. I want to report a
(Linda grabs phone)
... what are you doing, Linda?
I'm getting this guy arrested.
Linda: No, but he wants to do the show again.
Bob: He robbed us with a gun.
Robber: Hey, everyone relax. It wasn't even a real gun... fake and currently in my other jacket locked in the trunk of my car.
Linda: Bob, he wants to perform. This guy is the missing ingredient to my show. He's my garlic powder.
Bob: Yes. The man who robbed my restaurant is here right now. He's about 5'8", maybe 150 pounds.
I'm bad at guessing weight, though, so...
Robber: Yeah. I'll say. Yeah.
Bob: 160?
Robber: Oh, flatterer.
Bob: All right. 170.
(Pulls out gun)
Linda: Ooh!
Mort: Aah!
Bob: Call you back. You said the g*n was in your car.
Robber: I lied.
Bob: What about it being fake?
Robber: Also a lie.
Linda: See? A lie can be a twist.
Robber: Since you did that, I'm gonna do this. Register.
Bob: Oh, great. Again.
Robber: Good luck tonight without me.
Officer Cliffany: We forgot to give this to you... a little "sorry we let the robber get away" bundt cake.
Bob: You're doing it again. He just ran right past you!
Officer Cliffany: Hold that thought, Bob.
Bob: The guy who robbed us just robbed us again.
Officer Cliffany: Hold on. Can you repeat that, dispatch?
Bob: He's saying what I'm saying! The guy who robbed us, he just left!
Officer Cliffany: We got to go, Bob. The guy who robbed you was just spotted in the area.
Bob: Wait. Where's Tanner?
Robber: (Panting) 😰
Officer Cliffany: (Panting) 😠
Officer Julia: (Panting) 😠
Linda: Don't catch him. Don't catch him.
Don't catch him.
Don't catch him.
(Just then Tanner jumps out of the alley and tackles him)
Linda: Ah, they got him.
Bob: Jeez, Tanner and Julia pack a wallop.
Linda: Ah, you couldn't just let me have my dream, could you?
Bob: What? You mean, because I called the police?
The guy committed armed robbery, Lin, twice.
Tanner: (distance) Not to mention he could've hurt or killed someone if things got heated!
Linda: But you committed murder, Bob.
You blew my dream's head off.
Bob: That's a little dramatic, Lin.
Linda: Yes, Bob, because I used to be an actor.
That Night . . .
Louise: Only two tickets left for "Dreamatorium," the show over 3 people have been blogging about.
Final performance, people.
Gene: Do you think you're gonna say your line tonight?
Tina: Probably not.
Gene: You know, a good way to b*at the stage fright... imagine the audience naked.
Tina: I already do that. I imagine everyone naked.
Gene: Everyone? All the time?
Tina: Yeah.
You don't do that?
Gene: . . No.
Tina: Oh.
Gene: Well, try picturing the audience with clothes on, then.
Tina: Like all their clothes?
Gene: Well, maybe just a condom and a hat.
Tina: Ok.
Louise: Tonight's show is officially sold out, packed house.
Are you feeling it, mom?
Whoo! Are you feeling it, dad?
Whoo!
Linda: Eh, who cares?
The audience is expecting to be dazzled, but thanks to your father, we have no star, and the show will be at least decent with Tanner's acting.
Let's just go do the version everyone hated.
Tanner: We've found your bloody fingerprint on the Morgue Delivery man's jacket
Linda: W-well. I . . uh..
Tanner: (slams fist on counter) Tell me the truth!!
Linda: Alright. Alright! I did it! ♪ T-the murderer was meeeee ♪ (fake crying)
Audience: (Applause)
Linda: Thank you. Good night.
Weird Woman: Hold on. I saw the show last night. Trust me, it's about to get good.
Linda: That's our show, everyone. Thanks for coming out.
Weird Woman: What about the you-know-who surprise performer?
Linda: Yeah. Well, the show is what it is, so... good night.
Rude Woman: I'll tell you what it is. It's garbage.
Tanner: Pfft. Everyone's a critic.
Bob: 😟🤔
Linda: Ok. All right, then. Drive safe.
.
.
.
Bob: Nobody move!
This is a robbery!
I said, sit back down, lady, or I'll shoot!
Linda: Aw, Bobby, you're in the show.
Rude Woman: Garbage.
Tanner: Oh, just leave if you don't appreciate our attempts.
Bob: I don't want your money. I just want the money of the big shot who owns this place.
Linda: Ooh, way to commit, honey.
Bob: Boy, I thought we did better today. Oh, well... ahem.
All right. Here it goes.
♪ So I'm singing words to a song ♪
♪ I'm making up right now ♪
Linda:
♪ 'cause it's the singing that matters ♪
♪ and not the song ♪
Bob:
♪ so it's up to me... ♪
Linda:
♪ to... ♪
Bob:
♪ sing... ♪
Linda:
♪ in... ♪
Bob: (High-pitched)
♪ keeeeeeeeeeee!-♪
Louise: Ow!
Gene: Ow!
Bob/Linda: ♪-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeyy!♪
Bob: ♪ ey ♪
Linda: ♪ ey ♪
Bob: That was great.
Linda: Yeah. Just go...
Bob: What?
Linda: It's a little high.
Bob: Well, I nailed it.
Linda: You were a little high.
Bob: So, you go higher.
I think... oh.
Linda: Everyone is gone.
Bob: Yeah. I think we can stop.
Linda: We cleared them out.
Tanner: I think you two, did well.
Linda: Don't leave yourself short, mister. You did great, as well.
Tanner: We all did great.
Tina: No. Don't. . .. I did it. 🙂Tina, take a bow, girl!
Tanner: 🙂
Bob: 🙂
Linda: 🙂
Louise: 🙂
Gene: 🙂
THE END
Sorry that this chapter took me a little while. I wanted to try and get Tanner a role in the theater. I hope it was worth the wait.
Also, I've been thinking for some time: Should Tanner be already at Wagstaff and we just didn't see or hear him when the kids were there or should he be enrolled in a future chapter?
Let me know what you think, and I'll try to think of something.