Parts in italics are flashbacks as always.
"I know....I'm sorry jojo. I was horrible to you and I wanted to apologise"
Dianne held her phone againts her ear, nervously speaking as she remembered the last time she had spoken to Johannes.
He had been one of the first people she had told about breaking up with joe and even though he had tried to support her, her anger levels at that time were through the roof and she had took it the wrong way. She had gotten angry when he was only trying to help. Now she needed him more than ever. She didnt want to reach out to her family, scared that she would worry them and she didnt want to talk to any of her other friends as Johannes was the one she had reached out to first when she was struggling with feeling so alone. He knew that her anger on that day had been because of how she was feeling and not because she was angry at him, and so she knew she could trust him.
"You dont need to be sorry babe when you send me a text like that. I was worried about you so called straight away"
He told her.
"Oh...I didn't mean to worry you"
"Worry me? Di, I was worried sick. Let me just reiterate this message to you. You sent me this at 3:56pm today..."
Hey jojo. I know I literally screamed at you the last time I saw you but I need to speak to someone who wont be terrified by the fact I'm feeling the way I am at the moment. We're trying to keep it as private as we can but I'm back with joe and we were doing good for abit but now, well now is a different story. We had an argument 8 days ago now and since then he hasn't spoken to me, apart from an argument we had in the middle of those 8 days which technically in my eyes dont count. I'm really worried about him. He told me he feels depressed which scares me. I'm worried it's something more serious and I don't want to lose him. I want him to be better, I want to help him but I cant forgive him. Hes upset me alot lately and even though i want to make sure hes ok, i also want to put myself first because I'm worried he might upset me again. But I know if I don't speak to him eventually, we're going to end up going our separate ways again. I dont know what to do. X
"I was so worried di. Speak to me. What's up?"
He told the australian.
"I'm worried about joe"
She began.
"Ok...I've sort of gathered that. Maybe if we start from the beginning. So you got back together, how were things then?"
He asked her.
Going back to that time not even that long ago made her sad because even though that was the time she expected to be the hardest, it was the time they had been the happiest.
"Things were great. I went to Australia for christmas and the second I got back it was...you could tell there was something not right but you could never tell we had broken up. We were going out for dinner, we were having deep conversations about our boundaries, he would let me order us pizza, we were even sleeping together when we said we wouldnt"
"When you mean sleeping together...you mean?"
"Just sleeping in the same bed, nothing more"
She confirmed.
"Ok, so we havent got to a more intimate stage just yet. What went wrong?"
Johannes asked her wanting to do nothing but help. She was obviously not doing good mentally. The whole situation was stressing her out and Johannes didn't even know about her pregnancy, so that was an added thing she had to think about for herself.
"We went on a little breakfast date to this cute cafe and had a chat about what we needed to work on to get back to what we were before all of this. I told him that I knew he was bottling up alot and he was disguising that by focusing on me and completely ignoring his own feelings. It wasnt an argument as such but I think something hit him because he said he started blaming himself and I guess he felt very guilty. Next thing I know hes just stood up, come and kissed me said hes sorry and then walked off, leaving me there not having a clue where hes gone or what hes doing or how he feels"
She told him.
"Oh..."
"Yeah I know. Oh. I was terrified he had gone off and would never come back but he just went to clear his head. He still hasn't told me where he went or what he did, I think he was very upset but anyway he came home after a while and we had a chat about it all. I've never seen him in that way before....he literally shut down"
////
Coming to sit next to her, Joe's head rested on diannes shoulder, her arms wrapping around him.
The complete silence between them was awkward. Neither of them wanted to say anything, especially dianne as she could see how upset joe was. He had come back in the door, tears in his eyes. It wasn't often dianne saw him like that which just showed her how he really was feeling. She knew there was alot going on in his head but for him to be acting like this indicated there was much more going on for him.
"I'm sorry I walked out on you like that"
He spoke quietly.
"Its ok, you were upset. You wanted time to yourself and I was there in that moment. You needed to get away for whatever reason"
She told him. She wanted him to know she wasnt angry, she just wanted to help so they could be happy together. There was no way on this earth they would be happy apart, that had been made apparent when they had broken up.
"I was just thinking about alot and I didn't know what to do"
He confessed.
"That's ok. It's ok to be confused about your feelings joe. What were you thinking about?"
She asked him.
"Just alot about you...."
"What about me?"
"I care about you so much because....I dont want to say those three words but you're literally perfect. Yeah, I know were not happy at the moment, neither of us are and that's hard. I dont want to see you sad but even though you are I cant not look at you and know you're made for me. And that's tricky to understand because if we were made for eachother then why arent we happy?"
He explained.
"Because we both made some stupid mistakes joe and were trying to heal from that with the added pressure of a baby being thrown into it all. That's why this is so hard"
She told him.
"I know...and that's what I care about. That's why I'm so protective. I want us to heal so we can have a future. So that we can be a family. I care so much about this baby. I know I reacted badly at first by my god di, there is nothing more I want than to have a family with you and I'm trying so hard to make you happy so that you'll be ok in eight months time"
"And this is the thing joe. You dont need to make me happy. I'm only happy if you are and your primary focus is to make sure I'm happy. You cant do that unless you make yourself feel better"
She said.
"I know but I'm worried about you"
He told her.
She thought for a moment. She didn't know what this was. She hadn't seen him like this before ever. The tone in which he was talking, his body language, everything about it seemed different.
"Joe I'm going to ask you a very difficult question and I want you to be honest with me..."
She began.
"Is this that your worried about the baby? Is that what this is? You're not actually worried about me. You're worried about being a dad and because I'm carrying them, your saying your worried about me when in reality it's becoming a dad which is scaring you"
She asked him.
He was quiet. Not wanting to answer sort of already gave her the answer she needed but she asked him again.
"Are you actually worried about me? Or is it the baby?"
She asked.
"Its the baby"
"Ok...."
"Being handed this tiny, wriggling, little human in eight months time is just such a weird concept and I'm just like what if they get placed in my arms and I want to run away. I dont want to feel like that. They're not due for over half a year yet and I already want to run away"
He explained.
"What's making you want to run away?"
"Me"
"What about you?"
She asked.
"I just know if I feel the way I do now when they arrive, I'll be such a bad dad and..."
"No"
She stopped him.
"You're going to be the best dad"
"Not if I'm depressed"
He confessed.
"You feel like that?"
She asked softly.
"Its such a weird feeling. I've felt sad before but never like this. I'm just filled with doubt and I keep thinking about having a baby and what that means and if that will bring us further apart, that's why I'm worried about you I guess. I dont want you to feel the same way I do and then both of us want to completely avoid eachother"
He explained.
"Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?"
She asked.
"Well......."
////
"Oh...is he ok? Sorry that was a stupid question. How is he now?"
Johannes asked having listened to the story very carefully.
"I dont know, I havent spoken to him for four days"
She shrugged, still being very worried about it but not knowing how to approach the situation.
"Why not?"
"We had another argument"
She told the south african.
"About?"
"I dont want to talk about it"
She spoke quietly. She didn't want to bring those memories back up, it had already been hard enough talking to joe about it.
"Was it bad?"
Johannes asked, not wanting to overstep any boundaries incase it upset her.
"Yeah. I cant forgive him. It hit me, really bloody hard too"
She said. She was still quite shaken up from it all. This seemed more than a dip. Something needed to be done soon otherwise they wouldnt be together for much longer. She needed to allow herself to realise he only meant it in a good way, he never meant to upset her in the way he did, but she was struggling to do that.
"But you can forgive him di. You've got to remember even though things are tough you were in love with him for five whole years. He was your life"
He told her.
"The past tense there is key though Johannes. I was in love with him. I'm not anymore"
And then a clicking noise of an opening door caught her off guard. Looking up he stood there, a look on his face she didnt want too see. An angry feeling echoed from his eyes, almost as if he had heard her whole conversation and panicked at her words...
"I cant forgive him"
Had definitely echoed through the walls and into his ears.
"I'll call you back"
She hung up pretty quickly not knowing what was going to happen, how he was going to react. That was made clear very quickly though.
"You cant forgive me?"
He questioned her.
She couldnt speak not knowing what to day.
"So were over is pretty much what your saying?"
He asked his voice becoming loud.
"No joe of course not"
She jumped up worried how he had interrupted this.
"I..I just...how much of that conversation did you hear?"
She asked him.
"The walls are quite thin dianne"
He reminded her.
"So pretty much all of it?"
She asked.
"All of it and more"
Panic ran through her now. She was just only confiding in her friend, she wasn't trying to be horrible to joe or put him down but she knew with how he was feeling he could take it that way.
"I wasn't talking anything bad about you joe. I was just off loading"
"You said you couldn't forgive me. And...and that..."
He stuttered almost as if tears were pricking in his eyes.
"You didn't love me"
"I dont love you joe"
She didn't know how to make the situation better. She knew she wouldnt beable to win this one. If she loved him, she would be lying. If she didn't love him he would want her to love.
"Dot that's horrible. Were having a child together. You do know that dont you?"
He asked.
"Duh, obviously I know that. I have them bouncing on my bladder 24/7. And it's not horrible. You dont love me. Do you?"
She shouted back to match his tone.
He didn't speak.
"Dont you dare say you love me"
She took a step back, dreading the next few words that could come out of his mouth.
"Dont joe. You do not love me. I know you dont. If you were I would feel it. And I dont. Dont lie to me and say it"
"There is a part of me that does"
He spoke.
"What part? It's quite hard to find"
She told him.
"I dont know, but I do. I do-"
"joe you do not love me. Do not say what I think you are about to"
She stopped him.
"I dont love you dot, but theres something there inside me that's not far from it. And if you dont feel the same way, then why am I here? Why am I trying?"
He asked her.
"Because as you kindly reminded me joe were having a child together. There is a real human life inside of me right now which is half of you"
She told him.
"So now you're basically saying your only with me so I can be in this babys life. What if you weren't pregnant? We wouldnt be together?"
He shouted back.
"What joe? We got back together before we even found out I was pregnant"
She was confused at where this was coming from. This wasn't like any of the other arguments they had, had in previous days, this was already a shouting match and both of them wanted to win.
"But you could of ran away and not told me when you found out. You're just here because you want your baby to grow up in a stable home with happy parents which is not going to happen"
He told her.
Now she was angry. What did he mean by that? It wasn't going to happen?
"First of all joe. This is not my baby. It is our baby. This is our child. Secondly, why is it not going to happen? Do you not have belief in us that this will work? Because I do. I know this is going to work deep down"
"I cant be with someone who cant forgive me for something I've apologised for over and over again. Yes, we may have been ignoring eachother the past week but how many times have I just walked past you, grabbed your arm so I could actually look at you in your eyes and tell you that I'm sorry"
He shouted.
"I cant forgive you at the moment joe. Because what you brought up, it hurt. And I've thought about that time of my life every day since. It's still raw for me"
She explained.
"If you cant forgive me, I won't forgive you for telling Johannes how I feel"
He came back at her.
"Joe I wasn't saying anything bad about you, I just needed to talk to someone about how I feel because believe it or not I feel pretty damn sad just like you do. But do you care about that? Obviously not"
She told him.
"You told me you didnt want me to care about you"
"I never said that joe. I said I want you to care about yourself aswell as me. You cant just completely neglect me, I'm carrying your child"
She tried to tell him.
"I cant believe you. One day you want me to care about you, next day you dont. Then your chatting about our relationship to your friends, I thought we had an agreement to keep that private"
They had, had a conversation when they first got back together about what they would share to their family and friends and what they wouldnt. They had decided to tell only their immediate family about them being back together. Their parents and siblings and their partners. As for the pregnancy, nobody knew. Apart from the relevant people at the hospital, it was still a secret. Like many couples they had decided not to tell anybody until towards the end of the first trimester, so that they could make sure their baby was healthy.
"I know we did joe but I'm exhausted. Mentally. Not physically joe. Mentally I'm exhasted. And I feel like I cant talk to you about how I feel"
"Then dont. Dont talk to me. I dont even want to. Infact, dont even look at me from now on dianne because you've really annoyed me"
And with that, the door slamming echoed through the house, that sound vibrating through diannes ears and she listened him storm towards the spare bedroom for what she assumed another week of sleeping all alone.....