⚘ I don't have you. ⚘
"What took you so long?" Chan asks, as I walk back into the room.
Seungmin's eyes meet mine, and I notice the look on his face. I look away. I shake my head, "Nothing. I'm sorry I didn't know I was taking long." I say, a low voice.
I'm still in a daze. I don't know what to do. This shouldn't have such a big affect on me. His simple confession and question shouldn't scramble my brain like this.
Chan furrows his brows for a second. "It's.. fine."
I give a little smile, and he just turns away without another word. I take a deep breath. My eyes meet Minho's and he tilts his head at me, a curious look on his face. I look away awkwardly.
Ugh. I don't know what to do.
The rest of the day was kind of like a blur to me. I didn't absorb much of whatever Chan said, and I didn't pay attention when he tried to explain that we were going to be practicing a new dance.
I'm just stuck on Seungmin. I don't feel anything for him, and I never have looked at him and thought of him in anyway more that a friend. He's always been a buddy to me, since day one.
But, if that's the case, then why I am thinking so much about this?
Like, listen. I really, really, like Minho. I do. I would do anything for him if he asked, and I'm waiting for the day that I can call him my boyfriend. I know he likes me too, I know that, but I fear I like him more than he likes me.
And with that being said, we have Seungmin. Before I start to hate myself for thinking of him when I'm basically cuffed, I need to get it off my chest. He's cute.
He really likes me too. I know he does, because he got all nervous and blushed when asking me out. Maybe Minho isn't the type to blush, but he has never been nervous around me. And it's making me think.
I don't know. I'm just unsure. I don't want to reject Seungmin because I don't any to hurt him, so I'm trying to come up with ways to justify not saying no to him.
It's all so bad.
Maybe I just—
"Hyunjin?" He bumps into me.
I fade out of my daze, looking over to him. We are in the car, on our way home. "Are you okay?" He asks, gently. He looks genuine, a soft look on his face as he asks me.
I hum. "I'm fine." I give him a reassuring look before I turn back to the window, looking at the buildings pass by. We aren't almost home. I see the one restaurant that we live by.
"You sure?" Jisung asks, again.
I don't look at him this time. I keep my eyes on the road. Maybe I should look at him. I turn my head, nodding at him again. "Yeah, I'm sure." I say simply and softly.
Minho is sitting behind me, and I see that he is watching the interaction in silence. I wonder what he is thinking. I haven't really said or looked at him much all day. I've kind of just been out of it.
Whatever.
I give Jisung a little smile one last time, before turning back to look out the window. "Okay." I hear him mumble.
We reach the apartment complex, pulling into the parking garage. It's dark outside so it's a bit dim in the garage, but I like it when it's like that. I like how it feels, the cold air and dark lighting as I get home.
I unbuckle my seatbelt when we are parked, taking my bag and opening the minivan door. I wait until both Jisung and Minho crawl out, before I close it again. Jisung mutters a little "thank you", Minho doesn't speak.
I thank the driver before heading towards the stairs. The elevator has been broken for a bit, so it's the only option. I focus on the stairs, counting them to distract myself from my racing thoughts. It works for a bit, before we are at our floor.
Jisung turns to me. "I'm going to crash at Felix's place tonight. Okay?" He asks me, but looks at Minho afterwards.
"That's what you always do, so fine." Minho mumbles, before turning to the door.
"That's fine." I say, being sweeter. "Have a good night."
He smiles, before going back to the stairs. I watch as he walks up them on his way to Felix's, before sighing. I thank Minho, since he held the door open, and begin to walk down the hall.
I can't distract myself this time. All that's on my mind is how I can handle this situation in a nice way. I keep my eyes on the floor, just thinking.
Minho clears his throat. "What's up?" He asks.
I look up to him, "What do you mean?" I ask.
He shrugs. "I don't know.. you've just been acting different all day. What's going on?"
"Oh... I don't know." I shrug him off.
"Did I do something?"
I freeze. I bring my head up to look at him, blankly. He also pauses, looking back to me. "So I did.. didn't I?" He asks.
"No." I shake my head, beginning to walk again. "It's not that. It's.. I don't know. Just forget about it." I say. I don't want to tell him, if I'm being honest. I don't want the possibility of it to cause problems.
"No, there has to be something wrong." He says as he takes my hand, turning me to him and stopping me. We're still in the apartment hallway, so the way he is acting is starting to worry me.
"There is not." I look around, using a low voice.
"There has to be." He says. "You have been acting distant since we got to the studio. What happened? You haven't even tried to talk to me; let alone look at me."
"Minho," I lower my voice, because he is staring to get loud. "Can we please just go inside? We can talk about—"
"Are you having second thoughts?"
His words shock me. I furrow my brows. "What— no. Oh my god, no."
"Then why won't you talk to me?" He crosses his arms.
"I just—"
"You wanted this Hyunjin." He keeps going, "You made me promise you forever, and I meant it when I promised you that. I'm really trying my best.. but your distant."
"That's not—"
"Am I not enough anymore?" He suddenly asks.
"Can you let me speak?!" I yell, breaking the calm demeanor. "If you would let me speak I could tell you. I could tell you that Seungmin asked me out on a date and now I'm stuck."
He stays silent for a few seconds, before his eyebrows furrow. "Wait.. you're stuck? What does that mean? Have you been thinking about it? Hyunjin, you're thinking about it?" He starts to take a few steps closer.
I freeze. I want to be able to say no, but I have to admit— I have been thinking about it. I want to lie, but I don't want to build this relationship off of white lies.
"You're silent." He says. "And it's affected you this much... you have to be thinking about it. You're really considering going on a date with him? After all we've been through..?"
I take a deep breath. "Minho it's not—"
"Are you thinking about it or not?" He interrupts me, crossing his arms. "And don't lie to me."
I open my mouth to speak, but absolutely nothing comes out. Not even a no. I can't even say no, that I haven't. It's just a different case. I sigh. "Maybe just a little bit.."
"But it doesn't mean anything." I clarify, stepping closer.
He steps away. I freeze.
"It has to mean a lot of your thinking about it." He shakes his head, speaking slowly. "Especially if you're still thinking about it after everything we have been through together." He says.
"Minho.." I say shaking my head. "Don't do this."
"You're the one doing this." He points to me, accusing. "You're thinking about another man? About going on a date with another man, as I'm right here! At your damn feet!"
"Oh my god, Minho." I say. "It's not that that all. Please don't overthink it, you're staring problems that don't need to be started. It doesn't mean anything! You're overthinking this!"
"You're thinking about another man, Hyunjin!" He yells. "It means absolutely everything!"
"I am not thinking about him!" I yell back. "I'm thinking about us! I'm thinking about how you'd react if you found out he asked me. And as I expected, you're having a terrible reaction. So stop, let's just go inside."
"Okay." He says, stepping back. "But before, tell me this, did you say no?"
"What? That's—"
"Did you or did you not say no?" He asks with a firm and louder voice. "Did you think of me, think of this past weekend, think of the promise I made you that night we talked— and did you turn to him and say "no, I don't want to." Or "no, I can't.".. Did you do that?"
I freeze.
I realize now that I didn't think of anything like that. I didn't even think of Minho until the every end, when Seungmin had already walked away from me. I let him walk away with a maybe, like I was into him even the slightest.
Minho's eyes look me up and down. He has a hidden look on his face, one that is pleading for me to say what he wants to here. When I don't, he just goes black.
"I knew it." He scoffs.
"You're just starting problems." I say, trying to make myself seem better. "My answer didn't mean anything because it could have been influenced by—"
"I am not just starting problems!" He yells. "You don't get it. Your answer to that question meant everything!" He screams.
I flinch, but groan, bringing my hands up to my hair. I understand where he is coming from, I know I should have said no, but there are other factors to consider here.
"You know, I don't think this will ever work." Minho suddenly says, making me look to him. He continues, "If you can't even say no to another man, if his words mean this much to you that they fuck up your day, I don't want to be with you."
"Minho, please." I say calmly. "Don't start to say that, please. I'm just.. I just feel bad."
"You shouldn't." He shakes his head. "You shouldn't feel bad saying no to somebody, because you have somebody else."
"You don't get it."
"I do, Hyunjin. I do." He says. "If you don't want to say no, that's fine, I understand. But if that's the case then I don't want to be with you. I'm not going to sit here and let you go date another man, because you couldn't say no. No. I'm saying no. I'm not that kind of man. I won't let that happen. You either want me or him, there is no both."
"I want you." I walk up to him, cupping his cheeks. It's cold, my hands are cold.
He flinches, taking my hands off of his face. "I don't believe you, Hyunjin." He says. "I don't believe you want me enough to reject other men, so for that reason I think this won't work."
"Please don't don't this." I shake my head, staring to cry. "We finally got here. You promised me forever, Minho. Please don't say this, or– or do this right now."
"That's what's wrong." He says, looking into my eyes. "I promise you forever. You don't promise me."
He drops my hands. "I want you fully, but I don't have you. If you can't say no to him then there is nothing I can do to have you fully. So for that, I'm saying it again, I don't think this will work."
He leaves me standing in the complex hallway, as he walks off. I want to run after him, but he doesn't even look back at me. I've really screwed this up, haven't I?
"What have I done..?" I mumble, the tears falling down my cheeks.