Note: So, this chapter contains mild to heavy ANGST (I don't know everyone's scale, but it definitely has more than previous chapters), but in the end it is happy. I've warned you guys!
This chapter is a whole lot of things, enjoy!
Here's an advertisement for my other works. If you don't like angst, please consider checking my other two works about Lady Dimitrescu/reader and Captain Phasma/reader, they only have fluffy and smutty stuff!Also, I'm thinking about writing another story about Constable Miranda Hilmarson from Top of the lake(you will know I'm a simp of Gwen now), so if you have any ideas, please feel free to share, thank you!
At the end of this month, you had cleared three-quarters of the list Alina gave you, having only another round or two drinking sessions with the knight and the squire since the Lord commander was quite busy after the break, nothing special happened, and you just embraced everything the dear life gave you before taking the leave. Already stopped accepting new tailoring orders and gradually closed the old ones, you made sure to complete all the tasks before moving on to your new journey. But all about this was still hidden from Brienne, you simply didn't know how to bring it up.
Sighing deeply as if withdrawing every thread of breath out of your lungs, you put down the garment on the desk in front of you in your room, it was the gift to the tall blonde, and it was finally finished, you should be happy, but the heavy weight on your heart didn't ease, or rather, another pile of bricks was loaded on, sinking you further into the swamp of depression. Your heart burned in the yearning for her, screamed painfully for her, struggled fiercely for her, all of a sudden, it was too much.
Your forehead bumped against the table counter as you circled your arms around your head, muffling a silent cry in the fabric of your blanket. Of course, you carefully moved the garment of gift away from the place your tears were creating a pool, not a single soreness of your pathetic being could stain the clothes for the shining knight, no, you wouldn't allow it.
Some moments passed and you still buried your nose in your arm, pouring tears became gentle streams on your cheeks, your throat dried and your eyes hurt, yet you couldn't put yourself together, curling into a small ball with heartbroken, Brienne's figure haunted in your brain, every thought of her could crush your mind and broke your sanity, making you a total sobbing mess.
A soft knock on the door broke the silent room that was only filled with the breathy noises you made, you just curled even more on the stiff chair and hoped the interrupting one dismissed itself. The small sound of a click from the door knob signaled that the interrupter had turned into an intruder, and she did not hesitate to drop the thing she once held and rushed to hug you into her small form. The sweet smell of bread and food, as well as the young brisk voice, told you who the body belonged to.
"Oh my god Y/N! Sh sh, I've got you, you little poor thing." She pushed the locks stuck on your forehead away and rubbed your back up and down, patting your backside when you coughed due to the snot stuffing your airpipe.
The soothing patterns of her hand and her present provided some sort of distraction that slowly brought you back to sense, you wiped the last few drops of tears on your damp sleeve and turned in her embrace, burying your face into her shoulder and hugging her back tightly.
"It's good to have you here." You mumbled between breaths.
She let out a few chuckles and patted your back gently. "Dear, I'm always at your service, 24/7. Just call when you need me."
You snorted out a laugh and pulled back to look at her, she was pure bliss, you were honored to have her as your friend.
"Alina, thank you, you have no idea how thankful I am."
"Don't mention it. What happened though? If you would like to share?"
You nodded while grabbing a spare fabric to blow your nose. "Of course, you know all too well though, it's just about her, and I don't even know how to tell her about leaving the city." You started sobbing again and blew your nose harder this time. The brunette looked at you with sympathy and brought you in for another hug.
"Oh, my poor darling, we will find a way, either to end it or whatever pleases you, okay?"
She combed your hair with her fingers and rubbed your back, and you leaned your cheek on her sternum.
"Okay."
"Now, want some water or food? I haven't seen you all day, surely you didn't hide any food in your room, am I right?"
A well-timed grumbling noise groaned loudly from your belly. You didn't even bother to be embarrassed, just looking at her with your big, puffy eyes and a nod. The shorter woman laughed and patted your shoulders a little harshly, making you grimace but giggle.
"It seems your stomach answered itself. I'll be right back."
------------------
The lord commander had been rather busy, especially when it came to the end of the winter season. No matter which year it was, some areas in all countries surely encountered snowstorms, causing damage to the fields, the farms, the pastures, animals frozen to death and people starving from it, and so increased the number of refugees. The famine needed to be solved, yes, the small council was always talking about it between meetings and meetings, but for the essential duty of the lord commander, the problem was mostly landing on the bandits and robbers that turned from the people who were starving, who lost their home, and who moved to the south to avoid the harsh weather and lost their wealth from robbery as well.
She never felt her job was easy, no, not a single day in her life possessing the state of Lord Commander was unchallenging and facile, and as a female knight that had never existed in history before, the judgments and criticizing eyes of all men, up from officeholders and down to citizens, were never vanished or lightened, if not even crueler. She was thankfully having support from the new king and her fellow coworkers, as well as her dear friend Jamie promoting her to be the commander, otherwise she might consider retiring to her homeland as the Lord of Evenfall Hall. However, the burden on her shoulders was always taken as a part of her, and she would not push it aside or run away from her responsibility, that simply was not how she was made of, even though it meant less time to be with you.
A deep sigh left the blonde knight's mouth at the thought of you, her cute little friend whom she might hold few unknowing feelings for. There was no direct connection between you two since the last dinner and drinking that she managed to squeeze a couple of hours at night in the middle of a swamped week, which seemed like a century before, only the packages with little notes attached transmitting a few times between you two. She confessed to herself that she tried to wear out the clothes as hard as she could during the training to get the chance of sending and getting messages from you, fearing that delivering letters to you every day out of nowhere would be too annoying.
Her mind was weary from the endless work chain of training, arranging, supervising, and even talking to other people, her energy was thoroughly drained from all of them. She was not truly a workaholic, particularly when working got so tiresome and heavy and annoying, and consuming all of her time.
She really missed having a break without any thread of tasks strangling her brain, and laughing with you carelessly in the forest, her room, the tavern you lived in or even in the dining hall under her feet of this building, literally anywhere was acceptable if she was laughing with you. She missed the time she spent with you.
She missed your big doe eyes sparkling with curiosity when you were asking her stories, she missed your cheerful voice, she missed your smiling lines spreading beside your mouth and at the corners of your eyes when you laughed loudly, she missed your hilarious cackles and manner when you were drunk, she missed your soft body pressing against her arm, back or front when you two got close to look at the same book, wrapping you in her arms when riding or blocking the cold for you, or just talking when snuggling on your bed. She missed having you beside her.
Her gaze moved from blankly staring at the open journal on her desk to a small case setting neatly at the front middle end of the table edge, just at the place that could be seen whenever she looked up a little. Her long arm elongated and took the small box, bringing it to herself and opening it, inside it laid the flower you gifted to her, the forever strong and lively rose. She took it from the wooden vessel, carefully flipping the precious present in between her fingers.
The thought of you rooting in her mind when she was working in her room, accompanied by piles and stacks of noting the journal and setting the agenda for the council, surrounded by four solid, stone walls. She tried to collect herself and refocused on the work but failed miserably, with every second passing, the scratching of her pen tip against the paper to write something sensible became harder and harder, the familiar room felt cold even with the hearth burning with sultry fire when she was all alone, without you.
She must do something before the desperation that swelled and grew in her mind devoured her from the inside. At this point, the only picture appearing in her mind was running out of the room to see you, only then, her fluttered heart could settle down, the riot in her brain would be willing to stop, and her frustrated mind could find its peace, she needed to see you.
The lord commander cautiously brought the flower back to its protection, put the feather pen in its holder with the journal closed and pushed back the chair underneath her. Raising from the seat, she wasted no time and grabbed the thick cloak, securing it around her neck while striding down the corridor, her fierce bright eyes and solemn, almost ferocious face scared away any guard passing by, no one would dare to question the knight why she left in such a hurry pace in the late evening.
Brienne made her way through the open yard and reached the stable, taking an available horse and marching through the castle door under the cover of dark night sky. She didn't even bother to put a saddle on the beast, all her mind determined to rush to the tavern as soon as possible, to bring herself to you, her comfort, her sweet friend.
The dining room of the hotel was still full of diners, drinkers, and their laughing and yelling when she pushed through the gate, immediately she noticed the second table down her right side was taken by her subordinates who seemed to be fully focusing on the game they played and paid her no mind. Shifting her sight away from said table, her blue hawk eyes roamed through the whole room, couldn't find you at your usual spot, nor anywhere in the space.
Her head tilted slightly in confusion, you didn't use to disappearing at this time of the day, or rather, you had never been anywhere else whenever she came to the tavern at this time, she could always find you here, curling on the chair in a blanket, eating or reading idly, and when her eyes met yours, you would give her a smile. That was all she needed for now.
The knight's brows frowned deeply and the corners of her lips dropped severely as she searched the room once again, perhaps she just missed your little frame from the blind spot of her eyes.
A gentle pat on her arm made her head snap back with a half smile that was about to expand on her face when she thought it came from you. but it was not, before her stood the owner's wife of the tavern.
"Laura, good evening." She nodded politely. The older woman gave her a smile and retrieved her hand, propping it on her waist on the cleaning cloth tucked on her apron.
"Lord commander, good evening to you too, it was rare to see you coming so late. But anyhow, how can I serve you today?"
"I'm looking for Y/N, is she here?"
"Oh, yes, of course! She is in her room. That poor girl, I haven't seen her all day. I wonder if maybe she got sick or what happened? Anyways, I sent Alina up to look after her, but she hasn't come back though." Laura shook her head, saying in a worried tone. Brienne bit her bottom lip and nodded, she was, too, worried.
"I'll go upstairs and look for her, thank you."
"You're always welcome, Ser. If you two need anything, don't hesitate to find me or any waiters." The older woman beamed before dismissing herself with a dash into the kitchen, the blonde knight's brain wandered briefly to the surprise of how swiftly the short woman could be before making her way to the stairs.
With each hastening step, the wooden flooring of the stairs cracked under her boots, but Brienne couldn't care less, all she cared about now was you, staying in your room all day for an unknown reason and making her worried sick. If only you knew how much she cared about you, how much space you took in her thoughts, and how much joy you could bring her just by being at her side, you would have fainted this instant, exploding as the happiest idiot in the world. But no, you were just a little sobbing mess who curled in your chair, still working on catching your breath while your shorter friend went out to get food for your arguing stomach.
And the said friend bumped right into the tall knight at the corner of the stair entrance at your floor. The knight quickly put her hands on Alina's shoulders to steady her.
"Sorry, Alina. I've been hurried and careless. What happened to Y/N?"
"Oh, hi, Ser Brienne. She is... it's complicated, she is okay, physically."
The lord commander frowned her brows, her arms dropping from the other woman once confirming she got her balance back.
"What does that mean?"
The shorter woman craned her neck up almost painfully so that she could look into the knight's eyes, they were filled with concern and anxiousness. Studying the tall woman for a few awkward moments, Alina bit her bottom lip, watching the knight's face get darker and darker as the worry grew in her mind. Brienne wasn't typically an impatient person, but with you, she couldn't wait any longer.
"If you aren't going to tell me, I will find out myself, excuse me."
The knight was about to press through the tight passway when the waitress shifted her body and blocked the way with both her arms extended and her palms flatted on the walls like a starfish.
"Wait! Ser Brienne, please listen. Y/N is not good, make sure to knock on her door and let her know it's you. I think she will be happy to see you, but just... Please don't break her heart."
"I won't."
The knight nodded curtly, even having confused with the shorter woman's words, she was your close friend and whatever she said must have its sense.
"Alright, now go for your princess, all she needs is you. I'll bring her food and drink later." Alina smiled gently at the blonde and pressed her back to the wall, clearing the way for the lord commander to pass. The commander's cheeks burned at the other woman's teasing, and with a final glare at the grinning waitress, she launched forward along the corridor until her figure postured right in front of the sheer wooden door that separated you and her at different spaces.
------------------
Gingerly, she raised her hand and curled it into a fist, the fist trembled, landing silently on the wood plate. The worries, the confusion, and the anticipation to see you mixed and stirred in her mind, quickening her heartbeat and aggravating her breaths. She swallowed down all the emotions and straightened herself, the most important thing now was your condition.
Brienne knocked on the door and spoke in a gentle tone hiding a slight quiver.
"Hey, Y/N. It's me, Brienne, are you alright? May I come in?"
Your head snapped up from your blanket-covered knees with ears perking up and puffy eyes widened. Oh lord, the woman haunting your thought and mind was now standing outside of your room, what the hell were you going to do? You couldn't let her see you like a total mess as you were right now, and you were pretty sure you looked just as bad as a soaking old dog that just struggled to surface from a swamp and was heavily choked on the water, if not even anything worse. You tried to clear your throat, ending up getting your airpipe choked on the snot, and coughed disastrously. The woman behind the door clearly heard it.
"Are you okay?! Y/N, I'm coming in if you don't answer me this instance!" The knight yelled outside your room and slapped the poor boards of the door forcefully that you feared the wood plate or the lock would be broken.
You coughed for another one or two times before managing to squeeze a whimper from your throat.
"I'm...okay. Please wait for a moment. I'll let you in later."
"Okay. I didn't mean to push, just... take your time, I'll wait."
You knew the knight would do exactly what she said and wait until you opened the door, it was impossible to keep her away, not that you wished her to leave, so the problem was how to make you seem less pathetic. Rubbing your face with a clean fabric, making sure no tears or snot on your cheeks anymore, and doing some deep breaths to calm your heaving chest, there was nothing more you could do now. So you took another thorough, full breath, in and out, before standing up from your chair and gingerly moving to the door. Flipping open the lock, your hand grasped the doorknob, and slowly, ever so slowly, you turned it and pulled open the door.
Brienne looked down at the smaller figure before her, the ease popping out in her mind at the first sight of you died in a blink, her heart was immediately seized so tightly by an unknown hand and squeezed hard, causing it to ache painfully at the sight of your puffy red eyes and tiresome smile.
She bent down to the same level as your eyes and gently took both of your shoulders, eyes locked with yours with enormous concern and care.
"What happened, Y/N?"
You just shook your head and stepped back into your room, leaving her standing perplexedly at the doorway.
"Come in, Brienne." You smiled weakly and ushered her in with a wave of your hand, sitting on the edge of the bed, you were so tired after all the emotions washed through and swelled in your mind that you didn't even have the strength to pretend, you just wanted all the tortures to stop.
At the same time, Brienne went into your place and closed the door behind her, she was relieved that you seemed to be in one piece, but your swollen eyes and sad manner still troubled her, didn't bother to pull the chair, she knelt on one knee before you as her hands gently landed on your lap, sapphire eyes looked up at your face.
"Would you like to tell me what's wrong? Why did you cry?" The knight said in the softest tone that she believed she never used on anyone else than you.
You looked at her with your bottom lip bit between your teeth, just having her so close to you, even though she knew nothing about the source of your hurts, was enough for your heart to shake off the pain rooted in it. Your body shivered slightly when you put your arms around her neck and leaned in, taking advantage that she was a tad shorter than you in this position, your head landed perfectly at the crook of her neck.
"It's nothing. I missed you, Brienne." You whispered, allowing your tongue to go wild and slip the yearning that spiraled in your mind for so long.
She paused when your body pressed against her front, your scent filled her nostrils, and your voice flew into her ears. She missed all of them. Her arm raised to circle around your waist as she leaned in, resting her cheek on your head.
"I missed you, too." She said softly. A low hum rambled through her chest as she tightened her arms and brought you closer, your thighs parted and enveloped her in between like she was your lifesaving board.
You clutched to each other for a few blessing minutes before she gently pulled back, her hands cupping your face with all the tenderness in her movement and the care in her warm eyes.
"Would you like to tell me what's wrong?" She asked again with her thumbs stroking your red cheeks. You inclined into her palms and closed your eyes for a moment, enjoying the roughness of her hand, feeling all the negative emotions eased from your mind, you were simply under her grace, and only her grace now.
"Well?" Reading your body language showed a calm sign, she smiled softly and inquired, her fingers brushing away the tresses on your cheeks.
"I feel much better now. Perhaps I just fell into a rabbit hole and needed you to pull me out, my knight."
You said timidly, a smile Brienne was familiar with finally crept on your face and cheered her up promptly, a grin was possessed on her own face.
"I'm honored you granted this mission to me, my princess."
The knight's face heated up once the title Alina used to tease her slipped out of her mouth, and your face grew even hotter than hers with your heart hopping rapidly. Roaming your eyes anywhere in your room, you just couldn't look at her or you would surely pass out. When did she become such a teaser? It was not fear. The tips of your ears grew hot from the reply in your brain that she called you her princess, and a slight jealousy for anyone who could be addressed like it formally by the knight. You bit your lip and looked down, refusing to meet with the clear pools of her eyes.
Seeing you this flustered made the knight at ease, she brought her hands to your cheeks and gently ran circles on them, you looked so adorable like that. She wondered what would you look like if she kissed you, would you be even redder? Was that even possible? The corners of her lips curved up into a smirk.
"Hey, don't look away from me, I'm here, all yours." She said in a flirting tone and tried to gently lift your face with her hands, which you allowed, staring into her eyes with a cold, almost furious glare that made her hands flinch a little, she didn't understand what turned your emotion so quickly.
"No, you are not. You would never be mine."
You hated straight women, you hated the fluster words that occasionally slipped from their mouths, and they broke your heart effortlessly. A sudden sadness raised in your heart and squeezed your lungs so harshly, making your eyes burn and your brain ache. You pulled back from her loosen grip and leaned by the side of your body on your bed, curling into a ball and burying your head into the trustful blanket, sobbing all your tears into it, the fabric would never betray you, they would act like them always be no matter what.
Brienne stood up from the ground, grimacing when a soreness crept inside her leg, but she couldn't care less as you were right before her, huddling up like a wounded poppy and refusing to look at her. The urge to hold you up into her arms and shush you was boiling inside her, and the fact that she was the one that hurt you made her even more desperate. She took a step forward and knelt on the mattress, wrapping the cocoon you formed into her embrace as she lay on the bed as well, the small sounds of your sobbing smashed her heart into hundreds of pieces.
"Please don't cry, my dear, please. Just look at me." She whispered helplessly into your uncovered ear, even though didn't know what to do, she wanted to get your face out of the blanket and wipe all the tears from your beautiful eyes. You buried deeper into your comforter and twisted your body away from her, you don't need your heart to be even more shredded.
However, the knight had her blessing force and determination, gently but steadily, she peeled you out from the woven cloth and flipped you around, your reddened and damp face was finally in her sight, and she immediately wrapped her arms around you and pressed you firmly against her chest. Your face buried at the side of her neck and your hands, no longer having your blanket to grab, clinched at the fabric of the clothes on her back as you cried and said frustratedly.
"What did I say or do that makes you so upset? I didn't mean it in the slightest, Y/N." She murmured, her voice filled with pain.
"I can't take it anymore, I can't, please, make it stop." You were talking gibberish at this point, having no idea what to do to stop the sorrow in your heart, and the warmth from her body only made you even more depressed as you believed it didn't belong to you.
"Please don't cry. I'm so, so sorry. Please."
You couldn't listen to what she said or pleaded, just crying and begging for the ache in your heart to stop, all along in her embrace as she talked and talked into your ears.
------------------
Until God knew how long after, your brain calmed down due to the tiredness, your senses positioned back to its original place, and finally, finally you could lift your face to look at Brienne, but the sight made your heart break all over again. The mighty knight that you believed was the proudest and most collected person in the world had her face flushing with frustration, the corners of her lips dropped significantly, her brows furrowed deeply, and she looked at you with so much regret in her misty blue eyes. You were the source of her disorganization. Realizing it made your breath heavy and your heart sink down.
Gingerly, you brought your hand up to her head and combed her tangled hair back.
"I'm sorry, Brienne. It's not about you, it's me. You did nothing wrong, and I'm sorry for bringing you into my mess." You said softly, flatting your palms on the surface of her cheeks. She turned her head and leaned into your palm, her confused eyes still locked with yours with her arms wrapping around your waist.
"I don't understand."
You sighed, whether both of you were ready or not, you had to confess to her to avoid causing further messes in your relationship, you had prepared the worst of never seeing her again if she was afraid of you or thought you were disgusting. You didn't wish to bring more harm to her, and you certainly never wished to make her look like this again.
You pulled back a bit, and her arms instantly tightened around your body, afraid that you might flee.
"I just want to look at you properly, my knight." Your palm stroked her cheeks as an assurance, and she nodded slightly, big eyes never shifting away from yours.
You allowed your hand to wander around the features of her face, the full forehead with faint worry lines, the straight light blond brows with a curve near the end, the frown lines between them that were rubbed to vanish by your fingertips, the straight nose with a cute bump just below the bridge that you knew only dedicated people would have, the pale soft cheeks adorned with just a tiny bit of freckles, the smile lines around the corners of her mouth, the faint scar decorated on her upper lip, and her now soft but usually clinched and tightened jaw.
Brienne could feel the temperature of her face raising while you dragged your fingers everywhere on it, and your eyes roamed around her face tracing your fingertips for what felt like centuries. She would be pissed if anyone else looked at her for so long, knowing too well that people often were just looking for any spot on her face to mock with, but you were different, your gaze was intense, yet utterly soft and adoring, she was safe, and even loved when being stared by you.
The thought of being loved made the tips of her ears heat up and her eyes shied away, a small smile graced her lips, which seemed to bring light to this humble chamber. With appreciation for her to let you touch her face, your hand slid back to cup her cheek, she was always the most beautiful and wonderful woman in your eyes. After relishing from might-be the last to look at her, you felt extremely calm right now, even a small smile that reflected hers extended on your lips. Then, you parted your lips open.
"The thing is, I like you, Brienne. I like to talk with you, laugh with you, drink with you, ride with you, snuggle in a blanket with you and hug you tightly with my arms. I like you more than a friend as I want to be the one with you and holds your hand to the end of my life, as every couple walks into the church like each other. I like you in a romantic way. Do you understand, Brienne?"
You smiled softly, yet sadly as you looked at her utterly shocked face. That was it, you had done it. There was no turning back. You looked at her as you waited, your hands still on her cheeks, she didn't shake them off or jump out of the bed, just remained still like a statue, and so did you, with your eyes bolted into each other's. But your heart jumped like hammering, and with each second passing, you could feel your heart hopping up and sinking down, you knew it was the end of all your yearning, and only desperation waiting at the bottom of the giant hole dug by yourself.
A shaking breath left the blonde knight's lips, and you knew it was time to say goodbye, you closed your eyes, waiting for her to pronounce your judgment. You didn't hear her voice, just felt her hands moving up from your back and cupping your face, confusingly, you popped open your eyes. The knight's cheeks possessed an alluring rosy tone as her thumbs gently stroked your face.
"Does it like... you want to kiss me on my lips?"
A shy expression appeared on her face as she said, her eyes sparkled with the light that you couldn't quite understand with your low self-esteemed mind, but somehow, a little flicker of hope popping into your heart, maybe she didn't hate you? That was enough to make you feel a bit of joy. You nodded slightly and whispered.
"Yes, I want to kiss you on your lip, and I always dream of it."
"I...dreamed of it, too."
She said softly, and your breath hitched with dozens of fireworks exploding in your mind. The face of the knight turned from a faint rose to a deeper shade of pink. Lord, she was so gorgeous, you couldn't move your eyes away from her, not after she said that to you.
"Brienne..."
You whimpered as her thumbs brushed over the contour of your bottom lip, her bright blue eyes darting to it for more than a moment before back to your eyes. Then she leaned in ever so slightly, just approaching you a few inches, and her lips hovered right above yours.
"May I?"
You heard her asking, and her warm breath blew to your skin.
You closed the distance between you two as an answer. It was gentle, just your lips pressing lightly against hers, none of you moved, and none of you pulled away, it was just your flesh touched hers, yet it was everything. Your brain went all-white and your eyes closed, your whole mind was put on the tender texture of the small bare skin of your lips, feeling her. You didn't even remember to breathe.
When you felt you were going to faint, it was her to pull back first, and her hand that gently ran through your cheek and down to your neck with fingers sinking into your hair was the one summoning you back to reality, your eyes cracked open with a deep inhaling, Brienne was just in front of you and breathing calmly, looking at you with all her softness. You stared at her speechlessly and blankly with a dumb smile, just admiring the pure beauty she was granted.
The knight was, too, observing your face with a timid expression, she felt content and happy, like her life had never been so full with you in her arms and you confessed to her and you two kissed! And you kissed so wonderfully! She might be possessing a calm look outside, but inside, the wild butterflies had held a campfire party in her stomach as she finally knew the strange feeling she kept holding for you.
"I think I like you, too, Y/N. And I think I've liked you for a while." She was eager to share her new finding with you, and your blushing face was her best reward for sharing.
"Oh, my lord." It was all you managed to say before smashing your lips against hers.