I stared at the message that my brother had sent, but before I could wonder too much about it all, I was distracted.
"Tipp?" a voice called out.
"I'll just be a sec," I replied. As I got out of the stall, it was Leah.
"You alright?"
"Yeah, I just- Finn sent me the weirdest message and-" I was soon cut off. The girls all walked into the bathroom, seemingly depressed after the game we had just played.
"I want to sleep," Caitlin said, leaning against Lia. Lia was holding her tight, resting her own head upon her girlfriends. I watched them be so comfortable with each other. So content with the other person. I stared at Leah as I thought of them; I am content too. I am happy too. I grabbed Leah's hand as a response, and she smiled, but through gritted teeth, not happy with the performance we had just had.
We left Wolfsburg the next day, to return to London. We had the international break next, and I was supposed to go back to Australia except I still had not talked to Tony. I knew I had to; so I gave him a ring.
"Hey Tony, it's me. Tippah." I held the phone close to my ear as I spoke, walking around my apartment with Leah sitting on the couch.
"Yes Tippah, thank you for returning my phone call."
"No worries," I responded.
"Well, you know why I am calling. We have the two games against New Zealand coming up and, well, our midfield needs you." I wanted to go back to the team. I wanted to be with the girls. But, I was still scared. Scared of so many things that were currently haunting me.
"Tony, I-" but as I started to speak, I looked over to Leah.
Don't be afraid, Leah mouthed to me.
"Yeah, alright. I'll be there."
"Great, we can finally release the roster then," Tony laughed slightly. "The fans were going wild that we still hadn't put it out yet."
"I can imagine their frustration," I joked back.
"So, we'll get you on the same flight as Caitlin, Steph, and Sam, yeah?"
"Sounds great."
"Awesome. I'll see you soon then, Tippah."
"Yep, see you soon," I replied.
"I'm proud of you," Leah said, as I got off the phone and went to sit beside her.
"Literally no reason to be proud," I responded, burying my head into her shoulder.
"There is always a reason to be proud," she responded, her English accent hitting a spot I never knew it could.
While I went back to New Zealand to compete in these friendlies, Leah had to continue her European qualifiers.
I was messaging Leah on the plane, as I flew over the Indian Ocean. I was sitting across the aisle from Caitlin, and behind us were Steph, Sam and Macca. A bonus of having to fly halfway across the world was always the free champagne we got in business class; I could never say no.
Leah: I think it's going to happen.
Tipp: what is?
Leah: I think she's going to make me permanent captain.
Tipp: Holy shit.
Leah: yeah...
Tipp: how do you feel?
Leah: I have no fucking clue.
Tipp: That's incredible though. You know that right? You are incredible
Leah: I'm scared shitless.
Tipp: you were born for this.
Leah: ill just be me though, right?
Tipp: just be you, babe. And i know it'll all work out for the best... i'm sure of it.
Leah: Hopefully
Tipp: and who knows, maybe you will be lifting a piece of silverware in july...
Leah: hahah maybe
Tipp: i'll be watching...
Leah: I better show off then
I soon fell asleep, and woke up in Sydney, before we had to get a connecting flight up to Brisbane. Mum was going to fly up to Brisbane, with Finn and Jemma. I had missed them both so much and seeing Jemma, my soon to be sister in law, would be a bonus too.
But I knew there was something more that was scaring me, and I would be having to face it sooner than I hoped.
"You'll be okay," Caitlin said, grabbing my hand as we walked into the hotel. I looked at her, nodding my head softly, before looking straight back down at the ground.
"Tipp!" all the girls screeched. Kyra, Courtnee, Charlie and Remy all greeted me at the door.
"Dude," Emily then said, coming over to give me a hug.
"Hey mate," I replied, hugging her back.
"How's it been?" she asked.
"Alright, I guess," I answered my long-time Matildas friend.
"You're rooming with me," Steph soon said. I breathed a sigh of relief. Normally, I was with Ellie. We had just always been put together; first it was because they thought we were best friends and thereafter... you know.
As we got in the elevator, I soon hadn't seen her. I still hadn't laid my eyes on Ellie.
"So, so far so good, right?" Steph said to me, as we rolled our suitcases down the hallway.
"So far, it's been clear," I laughed slightly. "But, Stephy, honestly, it's okay. Like, we're going to have to-" I soon looked up. She was coming out of her room, Tegan behind her. We caught eyes. Ellie's eyes on mine. My eyes on Ellie's. Do we speak? Do I go up to her? Do I ask her how she has been? Everything ended so abruptly? I left Lyon without even telling her? I moved without letting her know? I got up and went.
I soon looked down, before hearing her footsteps come over.
"I'll go inside," Steph soon said. "Hey Ells."
"Hey," Ellie said, as she stood beside me. Steph soon went inside, leaving Ellie and me outside the room, just us. Tegan had gone downstairs, knowing we probably needed some private time to discuss.
"Hey," I said to her, not wanting to look at her.
"Hi," she answered.
"How've you been?" I asked, scratching my head.
"Yeah, not bad. Not bad." Whenever Ellie talks, I am reminded of how similar we sound. We're the only two girls with the strong country accent in the squad, and I've missed the sound of her voice. I missed the sound of home.
"That's good."
"How's home?" she asked.
"Not good," I answered, honestly. She was the only person that knew what happened over Christmas, and she only found out through Finn... something which got Finn in my bad books for a few weeks.
"I'm sorry," she answered.
"It's alright. It was kind of good that it happened." Ellie's face went all weird when I said this, obviously disagreeing.
"It's never good when someone dies, Tipp," she said.
"When he's an abusive ass hole, I kind of think it is," I replied. She stared at me, and I stared back. Her eyes were harder than I remember. She used to give off a persona of kindness and warmth, but now, all I felt was the coldness of our past and the hardships of our future... or lack thereof.
"He was your dad, Tippah," she soon said.
"He was never a dad. He was never a fucking dad." I was harsh on this comment, but it was true. He was never my dad. He was my father, but never my dad.
"Alright, well, moving on," Ellie soon said. "I just wanted to make sure there was no bad blood between us."
"Right yeah. All good, Ells. All good." She looked at me, grimacing slightly.
"Okay, well, that's good. We miss you at Lyon," Ellie then said.
"Even Daan?" I replied. But as soon as I said it, I regretted it. I knew I shouldn't have. I knew I should've been the bigger person. But it was hard.
"Well, I hear the English captain is also quite a bit of fun, no?" Touche.
"It's been good to see you, Carpenter," I then said.
"Yeah, you too, Jones." Ellie soon smiled a hard grin, and turned around, walking away.
My heart was beating out of control throughout that entire interaction. I knew what I needed: a drink.
I went inside the room, Steph hurrying away from the door.
"Did you hear all of that?" I asked her, going into the mini fridge.
"Maybe," she responded.
"Well, entertaining enough?" I joked.
"Sorta," Steph replied.
"Glass?" I asked her, pouring myself a bit of whiskey into a cup.
"I'm alright. It is only 11am."
"Never too early for a drink after an interaction like that." I downed the glass, before pouring another. I needed it; it was justifiable.
We soon went out onto the pitch to train, and for the next few days, Ellie and I stayed away from each other. Brisbane was big enough that it was easy to do that. When we were in training, we went in different groups. When we had an off day, she went off with her friends, and I went off with mine. It was all fine. It had to be. I wasn't going to let this be a big deal.
Our first game against New Zealand went our way, but only in the last 5 minutes. We scored two goals, in injury time, securing a win. We needed that win too, and getting that win felt so incredible. It reminded me of why I loved this team. It reminded me why I felt that the Matildas were my home.
After the match, I found Mum, Finn and Jemma.
"Hey," I said to them, hugging them all.
"My darling, how are you?"
"I'm good, I-" I started to say, until Mum looked behind me.
"ELLIE!" she shouted, waving over my ex-girlfriend.
"MUM!" I said, under my breath.
"She's like my daughter, let me say hello." I sighed to myself, trying to not look at the girl who came up beside my body.
"Pris," Ellie said to my mum. "How have you been?"
"I've been okay."
"I'm so sorry about..."
"It's okay," Mum replied. "We've missed you. Christmas wasn't the same."
"Yeah, well..." I soon said, under my breath before Mum nudged me discreetly but not softly.
"Preparing for the Asian Cup wasn't easy," Ellie soon said. "But I would've loved to be there." With that, Ellie hugged Finn and Mum, before heading back onto the pitch to take pictures and sign jerseys.
"Tippah Scarlette Jones!" Mum soon said. "You did not have to be so incredibly rude."
"Really mum?" I replied. "Really?"
"What? I was being polite."
"Mum... she is literally my ex-girlfriend. You haven't seen me in two months and you are bringing her over? I just- I cannot. Hi Finn. Hi Jemma. Lovely seeing you two, and congratulations - very excited for the wedding - but I have to go."
"Tipp, wait-" Finn soon said, but I was gone. I walked back down onto the field, going back inside; I didn't sign anything or talk to anyone. I just couldn't.
Later that evening, a photo of me and Ellie beside each other, talking to my mum popped up on my feed.
Wosofannnn: well, Ellie and Tippah with Tippah's family? Are we sure they aren't together?
Matildas4ever: girl... leah and tippah are basically official. Like come on.
Lionessesxarsenal: Leah and tippah were seen kissing... no fucking way
I was glad people no longer thought that Ellie and I were together, even if the only way to prove that was with that photo being released.
As I was staring at my screen, I soon had another message from Finn.
Finn: Tippsy, you never called me back and you left abruptly today. We need to talk. I have something to tell you.
Tippsy: OMG sorry finny. Yes, okay. Can't talk now. Call tomorrow?
Finn: okay... but don't forget.
I turned my phone off, and went to sleep.
The next morning, we headed down to Canberra, and after an open training session, we all had dinner together. I was sitting beside Katrina, who let me hold onto her new little bub.
"She's so small," I said, holding the baby close to my chest.
"Kids normally are," Alanna joked.
"You're so funny!" I said sarcastically. I had never thought about children before. I wasn't sure whether it was something that I was meant to do. I had always been scared that if I had kids, I would fuck them up, just like how my parents did to us. Us being, Bindi, Darcy, Finn, me and Eden. Eden.
I forgot to call Finn that day, so the day of the game, I knew I had to.
"Hey," I said, over the phone.
"Well, this certainly isn't yesterday."
"Sorry, I forgot."
"I wanted to talk to you about Darcy."
"What about her?"
"She moved to Canberra."
"Really?" I asked.
"Yeah. She'll be at your game. She wanted to know if you would want to get a coffee after or something?"
"Why didn't-"
"She doesn't have your number dipshit."
"Right..."
"So...?"
"Yeah, that's fine. I'll find her after the game."
"Okay. I'll let her know."
"Uh.. Finn? A few questions."
"Shoot."
"How do you have her number? And what the fuck does she now look like?" Finn chuckled as I said this.
"I reconnected with her, when I told her I was engaged. And I'll send you her facebook."
"Thanks, Finny."
"Tipp..." Finn soon said. "I- don't worry."
"Spill dipshit," I retorted, hating when people didn't finish their sentences.
"I want to find Eden," he soon said.
"We all do," I replied. "But, it doesn't seem like she wants to be found."
"Yeah... I guess."
"Alright, I have to go. Was that all?" He didn't speak for a moment, before replying.
"Yep, that was it."
"Thanks Finn. I'll tell you how she is."
We won the game against New Zealand in Canberra too. I started again, with a solid team in front and behind me. I was happy with the midfield, which was now gelling. (I wasn't sure whether that was because of me but all the discourse on twitter said so which made me feel a little better I guess.)
I scored in that game. I cut the ball across from the wing, dribbling it around the Kiwi defenders, before hitting it hard, swiping it across into the bottom left corner. I was happy with the goal, but didn't know how to celebrate it. Celebrating didn't feel right.
After the match, I walked around the stadium, trying to find her.
"Whatcha doing?" Steph asked me.
"Trying to find someone?"
"Who?" she asked.
"My sister..." I responded.
"YOU HAVE A SISTER?" she said. I didn't tell many people about my family. Most people only know about Finn, and think that my mum was a single parent. Bindi, Darcy, Eden and him... they feel lost to me.
"Yeah, I do," I replied.
"Interesting... so much to find out about you Tippah Jones..."
"I'm a mystery," I said, sarcastically.
"Don't laugh about it, Tipps. You really are."
After doing a few loops, I soon found her. She was now in her early 30s, and her hair was cut into a little bob. People always said that I looked the most like the twins. Even though Bindi and Darcy were a lot older than I was, our auburn hair was similar. Their noses reflected one quite like my own, and their freckles were like mine. Whereas, on the other hand, the brown shaggy hair of Finn and Eden and dark brown eyes made them look as if they were twins, especially once Finn grew a few inches.
"Darcy..." I said, going up to my sister and giving her a hug.
"Hey, my Tippy," she responded, holding me tight. Beside her, three little kids stood. I recognised one of them, who I had met when we were a lot younger.
"Holy shit, are these yours?" I asked. "All of them?"
"All of them. Kiddos, this is your Aunty Tippah."
"I'm Nathan," the oldest one said, who was now at least eleven.
"I've met you before Nathan," I smiled at him, "but not you two."
"I'm Lilibeth," the little one said, who was most likely six.
"I'm Mickey," the other boy said. As soon as he said this, I turned to Darcy, a look of hurt and frustration printing my face.
"Mickey?" I said. "Really?"
"Tippah..." Darcy soon said.
"No, no." I moved away from my sister. "Do you guys want me to sign your jerseys?"
"Yes please," Lilibeth said. She turned around to reveal a Jones jersey, with 8 on the back.
But throughout all the cuteness of my three nieces and nephews, my anger towards Darcy trumped it all.
"Well, I best get going," I soon said.
"But-" Darcy replied.
"I can't get coffee with you, Darc."
"Really?"
"Why the fuck would you name your kid that? Why would you? I just-"
"Tippah, just cause he was a dickhead to you, he was a dad to me."
"I- I- fuck this and fuck you Darcy." With that, I walked away. I turned away from my family, going back to the bench.
I was trying to hold back the tears, but I couldn't.
"Is everything okay?" a voice soon said, and I knew who it was. It was her. It was Ellie.
"No," I replied, bursting into tears, leaning into the girl who always could make me feel better. leaning into the girl I once called mine. Leaning into the girl who I had loved for longer than I had known. Leaning into the girl I once called mine.
"It's okay," she said, holding me tightly. "It's okay." But once I realised what I was doing, I soon moved. I got up off the bench, and went under neath to the change room.
"You alright mate?" EVE asked me, and I could only help but nod. I smiled at her, trying to force it, before grabbing my bag and reaching into it to make sure my flask was in there.
It was. Thank god.
I went into the bathroom, chugging it all down. I needed it. I needed the burn in my throat. It was all that could soothe me, and her. And maybe Leah too.
I soon sent Finn a message.
Tippsy: Why the fuck did you not tell me she named her fucking child after an our abusive excuse for a father... real smooth Finn. real fucking smooth.
note:
- heavy and longgggg chapter. sorry guys...
- but i hope it explains a few things: like tippah's father is dead and also how disconnected her family is, from feelings and each other
- anyways, lots of love to u guys and thank u to everyone who reached out to me over the past few days. it always means sooo much when i see messages in my inbox