After that, things began to run smoothly. The group had overcome all possible bumps in the road. The officials medicated Marina and she began to overcome the infection, getting better every day. Davis worked with the irritable group and designed them a loose schedule and working ridgiment. They could take days off as needed, but agreed to work to pay for their food and shelter. The group was given a single house outside of the main cave. The house was simply constructed and built into the side of the canyon, opposite side from the cave and accessible by boat. Other houses had been built and housed other unfamiliar families. The house was simple, one bathroom, a communal room lined with simple furniture, a few chairs, and mattresses on the floor, and then a single extra room. It remained colder here, as the fireplace was in the communal room, and the furnace fumed smoke from a pipe through the wall and through the rock of the canyon, shooting smoke from a chimney on the side of the structure. It was a real house; although it felt a little more like an unfinished basement, bare cement bricks lining the walls and a cold concrete floor obscured by a rug or two. But it held a frontdoor on hinges (although only curtains for the other two rooms), and a solid floor, solid walls, and a solid although exposed roof. Davis had suggested the group be split up with separate dwellings, though they would be smaller and take longer to build, but the group had quickly decided to stay together.
The group had a house. It was hard to process, and they spent moving day surrounded by giddy, excitable energy. Felicity was feeling less excited despite the uplifting circumstances, and Zephyr prompted by asking what was wrong, and thinking only of him and not of herself, she said, "Nothing," and smiled timidly the rest of the boat ride to their new house. From the boat, they parked at a dock and then used a series of short stone stairs and rickety construction elevators, chained to man-made rock ledges, in order to reach where their house sat a little less than halfway up the wall of the canyon. The outside of it was similar to the rock around it, muddled with mixtures of orange and brown and grey, but mostly just dusty tan that darkens to brown when wet.
Felicity had decided to be a fisher. She had expected to enjoy the slow-pac ed, tranquil mornings by the water, but she tended to feel restless instead. Zephyr had encouraged her to be a fisher as it was a safer job, and if she were to get hurt now, there would be no saving her. She had also been dwindling mentally over her insecurity of being disliked by Tati. Still, she considered Tati was simply hot-headed, and tried to falsely reassure herself that Tati somehow liked her.
With Zephyr's praise, Tati's scolding, and her family's coldness, she felt she had expectations to be absolutely flawless, and felt she was worthless if she wasn't. Felicity could not be herself and also perfect. She was imperfect. It was a design flaw, by nature, to engrain into elementary students to strive for perfection, do the best and be the best that you can be. Her circumstances had never aided her mental issues, and instead hindered them. She had grown, and now, she had plateued and then fallen. Felicity chose to accept the fate of being empty rather than admit that the need to please others had become a problem for her. She didn't decide this consciously, of course. She only meant well for others, deciding not to dwell on her own, less important existence in an effort to be perfect to others. She cared so little about herself that it had, ironically, grown from a personal malicious desire to be validated into a selfless act of putting other's needs before her own. Her validation mattered little now, although she still secretly yearned for it. Aside from this, she was restless. She enjoyed moments of peace, but her relentless thoughts drowned out any peace that could have come to her, and instead, she found herself watching the distance sorrowfully and yearning to adventure once again. Felicity had become somebody she liked on their travels, but here, she was destined to turn back into her old submissive, worthless self.
She stood ankle-deep in cold water (wearing boots), thinking preemptively about this as her line rocked with the current of the river. She shook the gross feelings off, deciding instead to avoid her issues entirely, and thus focused instead on the subtle movement of her fishing line.
The group adjusted to life there very well. Zephyr and Tati began working as sailors, Huan helped in the mines for minerals, Marina healed well and became a babysitter and teacher for Kiui and a few other children at the stronghold, while Mareno and Lillian actually became invested in greenhouse work, Kiui's dog often occompanying her. Lillian had not found her family, but she could still help the people who lived here with her expertise on planting. Huan helped with them part-time as well. Felicity rarely saw Zephyr until nighttime. He was out and adventuring, and in a way, she envied him. Marina, Huan, and Kiui filed in as if they had always been a picture perfect family. Lillian played the role as sceptic and mystic grandmother to Kiui, and advent advisor to Marina and Huan. Mareno seemed to slowly settle and overcome his clear anxiety; he had not felt safe in a very long time, apparently. He began to form a parent-child bond with Lillian as he allowed himself to work and feel safe and be an innocent kid at long last. He looked up to Zephyr very much, and the two tended to get along very well like siblings.
Felicity had spoken less, done less, and existed less. She watched from a darkened corner of the dimly fire-lit room by herself as Zephyr and Mareno talked about their experiences, sharing wisdom from leader to apprentice, as Lillian and Marina spoke softly about their children, as Huan and Kiui roughhoused with their dog and pretended to be hurt. Tati had even begun to lose her aggravated composure; she began getting along well with Mareno and Zephyr, listening although begrudgingly to Lillian, Marina, and Huan. She still opted for lots of time to herself, often spent higher up on a stone ledge above the house that marked where the roof began. This night, she stepped outside in the cold. Felicity watched Tati disappear behind the front door, knowing that she would then climb up the wall and to the familiarity of her ledge to watch the sunset behind the adjacent canyon wall. Felicity yearned for a place to herself, a place away from the ruckus and homey feeling and the, dare she say, envy. Though, she refused to step outside and disturb Tati's quiet time. So, she sat against the wall after a long day's work and eventually fell asleep.
In her work, she would catch and clean fish for the town. Lillian and Mareno participated in foraging for the town as well as cooking. On days he was home, Zephyr would also help cook. The town only supplied ingredients for households to use, via people like Felicity and Lillian, but town cooking was still necessary for those ill, injured, or unable to cook for any other reason, so Lillian and Mareno both helped to cook for the town. Zephyr helped cook only for their household.
Life finally returned to some state of normal for everyone in the group. It began to grow predictable, comfortable, and repetitive. Working, cooking, eating fresh food and drinking fresh water provided by their working and by the town. Watching as more buildings slowly came up, each one more civilised and advanced than the last. People worked, people played, children learned and adults taught just as they, too, learned about the new world. Felicity was shocked at the amount of time she had on her hands; even fishing daily, she found herself lonesome and bored in the evenings, beginning to get trapped inside of her mind with a relentless storm of self-agonising thoughts. She wanted a happy, predictable, and comfortable life. But here, drowning in her self-hate day after day, she was not happy. Every day began to feel heavier, more difficult, more unnecessary than the last. It was becoming increasingly obvious: despite the found safe haven, the bad feeling that had been placed in her gut upon arrival did not cease and instead grew stronger day by day. Felicity trusted her gut, but she wondered if her fowl inner feelings were not caused by a scepticalness of the town, but of herself and an unwillingness to be happy when calm was presented. Panic attacks in paradise. She didn't want problems, but she wanted excitement and difficulties to overcome that were physical, not mental. Her mental gymnastics strained her, meanwhile her physical adventures had given her love for the first time ever. But now, as they settled, her friends slowly drifted away from her, and the family bond that once kept her alive faded. Restlessness began to take the place of a feigned comfortability.
Zephyr could read her like a book. The sun was setting outside, and Felicity was resting in the living area as always. This time, Zephyr sat beside her.
"Are you okay?" he asked, gentle as always.
"Yes."
"You're lying. You've never lied to me before. Why now?"
"Why the sudden interrogation?" She said with aggression, face feeling hot and gut twisting. The urge to disappear, as if that would somehow fix things, grew overwhelming.
"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you missed struggling to survive every second of every day. We've all been more relaxed with this new life, and everyone except for you has settled well. Why? Tell me what's going on in that head of yours. We've never hidden anything from each other before."
"That was whenever we were still close."
"We are still close. You are the one that has been drifting away from the rest of us. You don't participate in our activities or socialise. I knew you were an introvert, but this is ridiculous... You're upset about your friends drifting away, but you do nothing to keep them. Relationships require work, Felicity. You know that. We've always worked for it before."
She sighed frustratedly, "I know, but its easier out there. I can- I can save lives, I can hunt and protect and be resourceful and clever. Out there... In the open, fighting to survive... I can be useful and wanted, I can do things for others that make them appreciate me. Here, I do nothing. I've always done nothing. Out there, I can be someone I could never be here."
"Felicity, that's nonsense... You're a fisher, you love the calm, and provide us with much needed food. You're essential."
"The calm isn't what I'd hoped... I used to love the calm, it was an escape from the havoc of life and my family. But now, I just have too much time to overthink and be alone with my thoughts... I don't need an escape from my family as often anymore."
"I know. Felicity, I think you might have an adventurer's heart."
"But I need downtime, too."
"Even a sailor needs rest."
"I know. But I can't go on an expedition like you can. It's not safe... But honestly, Zephyr, I'd rather risk my life to explore more than stay here and pretend life is how it was a year ago."
"No. That's not happening."
Her voice grew unsteady, "Don't you care about how I feel at all? I'm not happy here. I need to find someplace else, someplace different and new."
"We're just becoming safe again," he spoke with authority.
She usurped him, "You are. I don't want safety. I never wanted that. I just want away from here, away from social anxiety and- and-"
"Us."
"NO. I love you guys. I do. It's just- I'm just not me anymore. I can't be me here."
"You can't be you? None of us have ever judged you, Felicity. We never will."
"Zephyr, I don't belong here."
"You've convinced yourself of that."
"No, Zephyr. I will never be happy while stagnant. I never have been before. My entire fucking life I suffered being someone else for my family. Then I met all of you and I became someone better, I became someone who can fight crocodiles and dive underwater. I became someone better than me now."
"You're still that person. You don't have to save us anymore."
"But I don't know what to do with myself if I don't have to."
"Felicity, your problem isn't that you are unhappy here. Your problem is you've lived for others for so long, that now when given the opportunity not to, you suffer. You don't know who you are anymore, and none of us can help you. Maybe you need to take some time to yourself to figure it out and then come back to us when you've got more confidence. We aren't you, Felicity. You have to be yourself."
Felicity stared at him through teary, wide eyes, stunned, "You want me to leave?" Her voice was breathy with disbelief.
"No, no, that's not what I meant. You know that's not what I meant. We love having you here, even if you are introverted and socially awkward," he chuckled in a failed attempt to lighten the mood, "We love everything about you. But you have to love yourself or it will never be enough. You need to join a group or get a hobby and spend some time by yourself figuring out who you are. I don't mean spend time right here by yourself, lonely and out of reach from us. I mean take a few hours to really be by yourself like Tati does. Go do something you enjoy, and then come back and hang out with us. Please... We'd love it if you came back to us. We miss your company. But you'll never be happy if you don't like yourself."
"I see." She did not see.
"Okay?"
"Okay."