A few days after confronting Harry and ending up masturbating to the thought of his bandmate, Louis was still trying to get over his sins. He felt like he had done the worst thing in the world. Getting turned on by the thought of your friend was one thing, but masturbating to the thought of going down on them was a whole other can of worms that Louis was not prepared to open. He batted back and forth the idea of seeing Dr. Marissa again, but Louis knew if he did it now that it was going to just be a waste of time. She was just going to tell him that all of this was normal and that it was okay to have feelings for Harry. That wasn't what Louis wanted to hear, he wanted to be told that none of this was normal and that he just had to get the hell over it. To accept it as a one time occurrence and never think about his feelings ever again.
For a day or two, Louis thought he was going to have a panic attack again if he thought too hard about Harry and the feelings that were arising. There had been a few times in particular where Harry did something nice for him and Louis just wanted to stand up and kiss him for it. Directly after those moments, Louis felt guilty for having the thought. Especially when he felt like he wasn't exactly being fair to Harry. He wasn't sure how he would feel if someone he cared for was practically all over him one second and then pushing him away the next.
After the few days had passed, even though Louis had tried his best to be around Harry as normally as possible, he still preferred to be alone in his room but wanted to actually utilize his apartment. It was his home after all and he was starting to feel like the guest in it. And Louis supposed he was being quite a bad host when he left Harry all alone to his own devices. Louis decided after awhile of holing himself up in his bedroom that he should venture out to the living room and spend some time with Harry. Despite the awkwardness that Louis applied to every situation they were both involved in.
Wanting to plan out something nice for the two of them to do, Louis started to scroll through his social medias and see if there were any events going on in the area. Maybe they could go to a movie or some sort of live event like a comedy club. It was only a week until Halloween, Louis was sure he could find something fun to do. Instead of finding fun things to do on Twitter, Louis instead found multiple pages of notifications to himself. Usually, Louis turned off the notifications and didn't like to scroll through any of them. This time, though, there was an itch inside of Louis's brain that pushed him to click on the thousands of mentions.
Swallowing thickly, Louis scrolled through them, his eyes skipping past the mean comments that he was already numb to and the random spam. His gaze kept flicking to the ones that mentioned him and Harry, though. There were pictures and fan drawings attached to almost every single tweet, mentioning the fact that Harry had been seen out of the apartment wearing one of Louis's jackets or the fact that the two of them were staying in the same apartment complex. Louis hadn't heard anything from their management, who tried their best to keep rumors like that at bay, but he wouldn't have been surprised if the calls were going to come in soon.
With his palms sweating and hands shaking, Louis kept scanning tweet after tweet, all talking about how sweet it was that his boyfriend Harry was running errands for him or how awesome Harry was for supporting Louis through a 'tough time'. Louis wasn't sure how it would have gotten out that he was starting to have panic problems, was it truly that obvious? Were there articles coming out about how Louis was having attacks in interviews?
Louis's breathing hitched as he thought about all of the possibilities. What if fans started to dislike him for something he couldn't control like the panic attacks? What if he had panic attack and couldn't do a signing, would the fans hate him for that? Would they understand if he started to get anxiety on stage and couldn't do a show? Would he have understood if this happened to some artist he enjoyed?
"Fuck," Louis murmured as his eyes started to water at the thought. He wasn't sure he liked himself with his newly developed panic disorder, why would anyone else like him? He was insanely more irritable and unlikable with it, he overthought every single thing. Going out in public was starting to become a chore, even worse than when One Direction had first started out and they couldn't go anywhere without being recognized. Louis didn't have to just worry about crowds or people approaching him with camera flashing. He now had to wonder if every trip to the grocery store was going to trigger another attack.
Louis read through a few more tweets as he hands started to shake more, his breathing heavy and uncontrolled. Everyone was saying the same thing, that him and Harry were in some secret relationship. Was it that obvious to everyone? Was Louis so obviously gay to the whole world, did everyone else know that he thought of Harry in those ways? Did they know before Louis could even figure it out for himself? He couldn't even accept it for himself, he didn't want to feel these things for someone he considered one of his greatest friends. Someone else, anyone else in the world would have been better.
Why Harry?
"I don't know wh-what to do," Louis said to himself, his voice sounding distant and distorted to his own ears. He could feel his chest start to constrict, the world was starting to cave in around him. Louis pressed his hand to his chest, trying to press into his heart as it pounded against his chest. He let out a soft cry, as he curled up into a ball, pressing his face into his knees as the thoughts kept coming to him.
Who would want to be with Louis? Why would he think Harry of all people would be attracted to him? Why did he have to go for the most unobtainable man if he was going to be into guys? Harry would just think he was a fucking weirdo just like Louis thought he was. The fans would just think the same thing, that it would be ridiculous for Louis to have feelings for Harry.
Suddenly, as the world started to grow black around the edges, Louis felt warmth encase him. Arms wrapped around his waist, pulling him close into a strong, calming chest. The soft, rhythmic beating of a heart, one other than his own, filled Louis's eardrum as he nestled into the heat deeper. The arms just held him tighter, anchoring him to the world around him. As the roaring in Louis's ears and the screaming thoughts quieted, Louis could hear the whispered affirmations Harry was speaking into his hair.
"You're doing so good, Louis," Harry whispered, his hand stroking Louis's back and side. "You're okay, Lou. You're okay. Come back to me."
The tears in Louis's eyes burned as he squeezed them shut, rubbing his face into Harry's shirt. He hated crying, especially in front of someone else. Especially in front of someone he was sure he was falling for. But Louis just wanted to be held, despite his conflicting thoughts that told him he wasn't worthy of it. That he didn't need help from anyone and could do everything on his own.
"Hey, you're okay," Harry murmured, tilting Louis's head up from the chin, stroking Louis's wet cheek with his thumb. Harry smiled gently down at Louis, still holding him as close as possible without harming him. "Are you good? Can you breathe?"
Louis nodded pathetically, incapable of speech yet. He wanted to thank Harry and tell him that he was just fine, that Harry could leave and they could just forget this interaction ever happened. But he was enjoying being held too much, and he wished that he could be even closer. Louis closed his eyes again as he pulled his chin away from Harry, tucking his face back into the strong chest in front of him.
As Harry chuckled, the rumble of it sounded deep in his chest, causing Louis to produce the smallest of smiles back. "There's that happy face," Harry cooed, pinching Louis's cheek like he was a baby with chubby cheeks.
"Stop," Louis whined, smacking away Harry's hand. He pulled away then, officially starting to feel the weirdness of being a grown man held by another grown man. He sighed and looked over at the laptop, a few of the problematic tweets still on the screen.
Harry smiled sadly at Louis, reaching over to close the laptop. "Haven't you learned already not to worry about stupid shit people say on the internet?" he asked, placing the laptop on the bedside table.
Louis sighed, giving Harry a simple shrug. He wasn't sure if he should admit to Harry what was actually on the screen. How would Harry react if he knew that Louis was on the verge of an attack over something as stupid as rumors? He would definitely think Louis was pathetic for that.
"What were they saying?" Harry suddenly asked, frowning as he side-eyed the laptop, like he was itching to reach over and read the screen himself. Then, his eyebrows raised and a slightly panicked look washed over his face. "I mean, as-as long as you don't mind, you know, like, sharing. If you're gonna, like, have another panic attack I wouldn't want to...you know...cause another one."
Louis stared at Harry for a few moments, surprised by the concern, then shook his head quickly. "No, no. I-it's fine. Um...it's just...well," he stammered, scratching the back of his neck as he thought of a nicer way to put it. He couldn't just full out say 'the thought of fans thinking we're together has sent me into a descent of madness'. "Um, there's a lot of, um. Pictures, I guess, of you and...me...leaving the same apartment and, um...there's some rumors...about us."
Harry quirked an eyebrow at Louis, then grabbed the laptop from the side table. Louis waved his hands to stop his bandmate, but Harry was already scrolling through the tweets Louis had already read. Harry's brows furrowed as he continued on, his mouth setting in a thin line. Louis twirled his thumbs as he waited for Harry to finish what he was reading, wanting in that moment to disappear.
"Why does it bug you so much?" Harry asked, setting the laptop back down, closed and shut away.
"Why does what bug me so much?" Louis replied, acting coy.
Harry scoffed. "Why does it bug you so much that people think we're together? That they think you might like guys? Is it really such a bad thing that it'll send you into a panic?" Harry questioned, seeming a mixture of genuinely curious and...hurt?
Louis's face softened. "Harry, it has nothing to do with you, I just-"
"It seems like it has to do with just me. I mean, I'm sure if people thought you were shagging Niall it wouldn't be that big of a deal...why...why is it not okay when it's me?" Harry asked, his face dropping a bit.
Louis didn't know what to say as his mouth dried up a bit. What was there to say? He couldn't explain it without it sounding like it somehow had to do with Harry or being gay. Louis didn't exactly want to say either of those things, even if deep down it was partially true. He didn't think he would very much like it if people thought him and Niall were together, but Louis also knew it wouldn't affect him the same way. Because he didn't feel the things he felt for Harry with Niall.
"I...I don't...it's not like that, Harry," Louis stuttered, running his fingers through his hair, pulling at the strands. He sighed as he thought of something more, anything to fix the situation he had just caused. "Seriously, I don't care if you're gay or if I end up gay or anything. I don't care if the fans think we're together, I just..."
"What, Louis?" Harry asked again.
"I just feel exposed!" Louis admitted. He let out a shaky breath as the anxiety from earlier settled over him again, weighing heavily on his chest. "I feel like they can see everything I'm thinking and doing! I don't want the fans to know that I'm having such a hard time lately. I don't want them to think I'm weak or that I can't control my emotions. I don't want them to hate me."
Harry paused, his face dropping as Louis started to become more and more emotional. He reached out, placing his hand on Louis's knee. "Hey, Lou, it's okay. I'm sorry, that was shitty of me, I shouldn't have pushed you," he murmured, rubbing Louis's knee as he spoke.
Louis shook his head. "No, it's not that making me upset. It's not you. It's-it's fucking everything! I feel like I'm not myself anymore, and after...after everything that happened...I'm scared of people leaving me and kicking me while I'm down."
Hurt flashed across Harry's eyes, his bottom lip sucked into his mouth as they sat in silence for a few moments. It was then that Louis realized what he had said, and what it meant for Harry. He wanted to take it back, but then again, it was the truth. Louis had already been dealing with the panic attacks before Harry decided to suddenly push him away. They went from telling each other everything to avoiding each other at all costs. Louis was scared to have feelings for Harry, for the fans to see the truth, because what if Harry left again? What if Louis admitted Harry was his one exception only for it to not be enough? He didn't want to deal with this all alone again. He didn't trust the other boys like he did Harry, and he definitely didn't think he could trust anyone again if Harry pushed him away once more.
The two sat in quiet for awhile, just processing the words exchanged between them. Harry was the first to break the silence, saying, "I'm sorry, Lou. I didn't know it was like that."
Louis just shrugged in response, suddenly feeling tired and broken. "It's whatever, mate. You cared more about what was going on in your life at the time," he replied.
Harry shook his head, clicking his tongue at that. "No, Louis, god...I wish I could just...tell you the things I was going through at the time," he said, pressing his fingers to his temples. "I didn't want to push you out of my life, but it was like you were smothering me. Like I was a baby, a child who didn't know what was good for them. Coming out was something personal and important to me and you made it about yourself."
Louis's jaw slackened. "What? Made it about myself? No, I didn't!"
Harry laughed humorlessly. "Yes, you did, Louis. One of the first things you did was ask why I hadn't told you."
Frustration and anger settled over Louis as his mouth thinned and he bit his cheek. "Well, why didn't you tell me? Maybe things would have been easier had you actually said something to me."
"Because I was scared to tell you!" Harry exclaimed, throwing up his hands at Louis.
"Scared? I'm not homophobic, Harry, why would you be scared to tell me? What do you think I would have done? I would have just been happy for you, Harry," Louis replied, shaking his head incredulously.
Harry shook his own head, not answering Louis's question. He sat there for a moment, trying to think of something to say as Louis just sat waiting for the answer to come out. "It wasn't...it wasn't about what you would have done...or-or said," Harry finally murmured, not meeting Louis's eyes.
Frowning, Louis asked, "What do you mean? Do you think someone else would have been upset about it? Someone-someone I know?"
Harry sighed, shaking his head. "No, no. I was...I was worried...I was scared that I would say...something stupid if I...if I came out to you," he said, rubbing the back of his neck as he spoke.
"What? What stupid thing could you have said?" Louis asked, urging Harry to continue on when he seemed hesitant.
"I don't know, I guess, um. I guess I would have said something like, I don't know. That you were the reason I found out?" Harry said, finishing the statement like it was a question.
At that, Louis's eyebrows raised, so high up he was sure they went past his hairline. He could feel his jaw drop, as well, making him look more like a cartoon character than a person. "Wh-what? M-me? You found out you were gay because of me?"
Harry was so red, Louis was sure he was radiating body heat. If he leaned forward, he was sure he could feel the heat waves. "Yeah, come off it, you know you're attractive," Harry mumbled, mimicking something Louis had said a few days prior.
Louis guffawed, not believing a word Harry was saying. There were a few times that he thought Harry may have been flirting with him, sure, and there was that one time that they had kissed, of course. But he never thought that Harry Styles, one of the hottest guys in the music industry, would have a crush on him. Let alone know he was gay because of Louis Tomlinson.
"I don't believe this for a second, Styles. You're just trying to make me feel better about myself or something," Louis said, crossing his arms over his chest.
A small smile grew on Harry's lips, playful and perhaps relieved that Louis didn't seem to care. "Believe it, Tomlinson. You were my first real, proper crush."
Blushing hotly, Louis just blubbered for a moment before shaking his head. "Not buying it, Styles. Not buying it. I'm pretty sure you told me once that you found that one guy from the Marvel movies attractive, before you came out. Um, God, what's his name?"
"Paul Rudd?" Harry offered, his smile growing as Louis gasped dramatically.
"Ant-Man?! I thought you meant Thor this whole time!" Louis said, pressing a hand to his chest. "My word!"
Harry rolled his eyes, shoving Louis playfully. "It's just because you kept mentioning Thor, I just went along with it. I didn't want to make you feel bad about your man-crush on Chris Hemsworth," he said, laughing when Louis shoved him back.
"I do not have a man-crush on Chris Hemsworth. I just made the assumption everyone liked him the most, I didn't know Paul Rudd was so popular," Louis said, smiling wide as Harry gave him one last good shove. He missed moments like this, when they could have their moments to bicker and then quickly get over it. He missed how easy it was with Harry, how they could talk about anything and move on afterwards. He hated feeling like he couldn't say anything to Harry.