thank you so much for waiting (个_ 个)
051223 #BYLAMwp Chapter 15
"Wait . . ."
I stop walking nang magsalita si Chio just before we get back to where he parked his motorcycle. He pulls me gently to the side and places both his hands on top of my head, then smooths down my hair.
Pinigilan kong makiliti sa daliri niyang gumuhit sa anit ko when he starts combing my hair. "Ano pa e . . ." He bites his lower lip to keep himself from grinning, pero it shows. And I don't really know how to explain it, but I can see him smiling kahit na hindi niya i-curl up ang labi niya. Maybe it's because it shows in his eyes, or talagang may ine-emit siyang something whenever he's happy.
He clears his throat. "Magulo pa . . ." he adds, referring to my hair. Wala akong dalang suklay. And after we . . . after we . . . uhm . . . . do things . . . kumain kami and then we just decide that it's time for us to go back dahil baka may magising at maghanap din sa 'min.
"Okay na," he says, putting his hands back down to his sides. He grabs the empty plastic cup na puno ng siomai kanina and throws it in the big trash bin at one corner. Then he pulls me near the shed. May nakaupong dalawang lalaki sa mahabang bench doon, who I assume are drivers dahil may nakaparadang dalawang tricycle sa may tapat.
Chio reaches for his pockets, then pulls out a few coins, then sorts them on his palm. He slips them into the coffee vending machine then hands me the small cup of coffee after.
Akala ko uuwi na kami . . . pero sabagay, malamig pa naman. I don't know what time it is already, but it won't hurt to stay for a little longer.
Tahimik lang kaming dalawa. I don't feel sleepy yet, pero baka siya oo, dahil nahuli ko na siyang humikab. I don't flinch when he rests his wrist on my knee after setting his coffee on the spot on his other side. Sobrang init pa kasi ng kape kaya hindi mabawasan.
"Tulog ako nito bukas . . . or mamaya pala, maghapon," he whispers, laughing at the end of his sentence.
"Ako rin," sabi ko. Saglit ko lang naman siyang hinabol sa poolside kanina pero parang nabigla ang mga binti ko dahil hindi naman ako sanay na tumakbo. "Are you sleepy?"
I look up at him and catch him looking down at me. He's smiling when he nods, at kita ko na nga ang antok at pagod sa mga mata niya. His free hand reaches for my hair and pushes it away from my face. "Mej. Keri naman mag-drive," he says before looking away, grabbing his coffee cup, and taking a sip.
We stay there for maybe ten or fifteen minutes, unintentionally eavesdropping sa pinagkukuwentuhan n'ung dalawang driver na kasama namin sa bench. When they left, nag-aya na rin si Chio na umalis kami dahil parehas namang ubos na namin ang iniinom namin.
"Tara na, Aju." The nickname's new. "Natatae na 'ko."
I hit his face lightly with the bouquet I'm holding, careful not to ruin it. He merely laughs, pulling me with him para makauwi na kami. He drives a bit more slowly on our way back. Pagdating naman namin, mukhang wala namang nagising sa mga kasama namin.
"Where am I going to put this?" I ask, pertaining to the bouquet I'm holding, as he takes the helmet off my head.
Parang napaisip din siya. I don't feel comfortable bringing this inside our room. Magtatanong sina Eri bukas. And I can just say na Chio and I went outside to buy this . . . pero baka mang-asar si Sab.
"Sa kotse mo? Sa loob?" Chio suggests.
"I don't know . . ." I look around as if a place where I can hide the bouquet will magically appear. Chio reaches for the top of my head and fixes my hair again. "Pero wala nga yata akong choice."
He hums in agreement. I let him hold the bouquet for me bago ako pumasok sa loob ng room to carefully and silently get my keys. Paglabas ko, nandoon na siya sa tapat ng sasakyan ko at naghihintay. I unlock the car and open the door to the shotgun seat. Chio hands the bouquet back to me.
I look at the bunch of flowers after setting it down. Okay lang ba talaga dito 'to?
I look at Chio. Hands in his pockets, he raises his brows questioningly.
"It's going to die," I tell him. Hindi ba dapat mailagay agad ito sa something na may tubig? Hindi ba lanta na 'to bukas kung pababayaan ko 'to rito? What about the air circulation inside the car? Should I leave the windows open?
Umawang ang bibig niya. He glances at the bouquet, then back to me with a seemingly amused expression. Bakit? Am I wrong? It is going to die.
After a few seconds of just staring at me, he sighs. Pinatabi niya ako at siya na ang nagsara ng pinto para mawala sa view namin yung bouquet. "Ibibili na lang kita ng bago kapag namatay."
"I don't like flowers."
He raises a brow, and once again attempts to hide his smile but miserably fails. I don't know what's to smile about kapag sinasabi kong ayaw ko ng bulaklak. He doesn't say anything more about it and just shrugs. "Tulog na tayo."
"Good night," I tell him before going inside our room, closing the door before hearing his reply.
The next day, he tails my car on the way home against my advice. Kakaunting oras parehas ang tulog namin at mapapagod lang siya lalo kung dadaan pa siya sa 'min bago umuwi sa kanila.
His eyebrows are furrowed when I get out of the car after parking sa tapat ng isang restaurant. He hesitantly gets off his motorcycle after parking beside my car.
Parang may magnet yata ang isa niyang kamay, and it just can't help but gravitate towards my nape whenever I'm within reach. My neck is starting to get familiar with his thumb pressing on its side. "Kakain tayo?" he asks, tracing a line on my neck with his thumb.
"Gutom na ako," I tell him. He scrunches his nose and walks with me inside without further questions.
Dalawa lang naman kaming kakain kaya isang order lang ng ulam lang ang binili ko. Maaga pa kaya we're asked to wait for a bit for the food. Sa ilang minutong 'yun, pinabayaan ko si Chio na kumuha ng tulog sa table ng restaurant. Ang bilis niyang makatulog. Parang pagkalapat na pagkalapat ng ulo niya sa table, tulog siya. Parang laruan na inalisan ng battery.
Nahiya pa nga yung server na ihain yung food noong dumating dahil kung titingnan ay ang sarap ng tulog niya. I have no choice but to wake him up. Well, at least he got some sleep because he needs it when he's going to drive himself home.
"Ubusin mo na 'yan," parang pareklamo niyang sabi nang itulak ko sa side niya yung plato kong may kanin pa. I shake my head no and he frowns. "Iisang kanin naman 'yan di mo pa uubusin. Ubusin mo 'yan," he says and pushes it back to my side.
"Busog na ako," sabi ko. "Ayaw ko na."
He clicks his tongue before pulling the plate back to his side and scooping my leftover rice to his plate. "Nagsasayang kang pagkain e," he says, frowning. Hindi naman nasayang kasi kinain niya.
After that, bumalik na kami sa road. I stop near the church parking to ask him to turn back papunta sa kanila dahil malapit na naman ako sa 'min. Tumigil siya sa gilid ko. I roll the windows down.
"Go. I'm safe," I assure him. Wala naman nang masyadong sasakyan dito. At sobrang lapit ko na rin.
He arches a brow. Tahimik siya for a while as if contemplating, before he scratches the back of his head and points to the nearby bank na lilikuan ko. "'Pag lumagpas ka na do'n, iikot na 'ko."
Pumayag na lang ako. The more na magtalo kami, the more na I'll be holding him up here. He needs to go home and rest.
I am about to roll the windows up when he stops it with his hand. "Kamay mo."
"What?" I ask. "My what?"
"Kamay," ulit niya. My eyebrows furrow. I let go of the window switch and show him my hand . . . which he needs for reasons I do not know. He grabs it, leans a bit, supporting his and the motorcycle's weight with his leg, before bringing the back of my palm to his lips.
A familiar warmth wraps around my heart, so I do not know why I winced. This boy. This stupid boy.
He chuckles at my reaction. "'Ge. Oks na. Ba-bye na."
His laughter is the last thing I hear before ko isara ulit ang window. The sound is still bouncing off the walls of my head when I arrive home.
Pagdating ko sa bahay, naabutan ko si Auntie Mel na nagwawalis sa labas. She pauses when she sees me holding a bouquet, and before she can ask me anything, inunahan ko na siya. "Puwede po bang magpaturo paano 'to ilipat sa vase?"
Kahit parang naguguluhan pa dahil, like her, I never imagined myself holding a bouquet of flowers that's for me, binitiwan niya agad yung walis tingting at sinamahan ako sa loob. The flowers don't seem dead yet, fortunately, but it definitely looks a bit different compared to yesterday.
"It's pretty," hindi ko mapigilang sabihin pagkatapos mailipat ng mga bulaklak sa vase. Auntie Mel folds the paper wrappings neatly, which I appreciate. I'll keep those in my drawer.
"Ay, kanino ba ito galing?" tanong niya. I stop her from bringing it to the living room dahil balak ko 'yun sa kuwarto ko dalhin.
"Kay Chio po," I answer. There's a light squeeze in my chest upon saying his name, then a feeling of a knot that I didn't even know existed untying.
Auntie Mel and I stare at each other, blinking in silence. Hinihintay ko kasing may sabihin siya pero nakatingin lang siya sa 'kin at panay ang kurap. What?
"Mamaya na lang po ako kakain ulit. Pahinga na po ako sa taas," paalam ko dahil mukhang wala na siyang sasabihin. I grab the neatly folded bouquet wrappers and the flower vase and take them upstairs. Inilapag ko ang vase sa bedside table at itinabi ang mga papel.
The flowers look really pretty. It's a shame they would die in a few days. Kung puwede lang talagang patagalin ang buhay nila . . .
I take my phone from my bag and take a photo of the flower arrangement in the vase. I contemplate whether or not to show it to Chio, pero dahil siya naman ang bumili, s-in-end ko na.
Nagpalit ako ng damit bago humiga sa kama at hintayin na mag-reply siya roon. It takes him an hour, and I almost fall asleep waiting but I'm glad I didn't.
Chio reacted 🥰 to your message.
Palitan ko kapag lanta na.
I key in a reply. I don't like flowers.
I place my phone on the table after. My eyes are tired. I take one last glance at the flower vase and sigh.
I wish they didn't have to die.
*
Cedric laughs. I'm waiting for his laughter to die down when my phone buzzes. Napahilot na lang ako sa sentido nang makitang sa malisyosang message from Eri nanggaling ang notification.
I know better now than to just disappear from my friends, kaya nagpaalam ako kanina kay Eri na may kikitain sa labas para mag-lunch (which is si Ced na hindi pa rin tapos tumawa). I didn't tell Eri who I'm going to be with, but she figured it out herself dahil nakita pala niya si Ced sa inaagiw na Instagram ko. Because she claims to be supportive and malisyosa talaga siya by nature, kulang na lang ihatid niya ako palabas kanina. None of our friends asked and Eri assumed that it's her job to let them let me go without questions.
Although, before I left, Chio looked like he wanted to curl himself into a tiny ball and jump inside my handbag. Hindi lang talaga siya umubra kay Eri na sinabing, but not in a mean way, pabayaan akong mag-isa.
"Okay na? Tapos ka na?" I ask Ced, hoping he hears the sarcasm in my voice. He shakes his head, still smiling after catching his breath. He grabs his glass of water and drinks.
"God . . . that's so . . ." Hinintay kong matapos yung sasabihin niya pero hindi nangyari. I get it, though. That's so . . . that's so ano nga. I myself don't even have the word for whatever happened on my birthday. Siguro dahil sa pagod, and maybe I was really caught up in the moment when things unfolded, nag-sink in lang lahat pagkagising ko noong natulog ako pag-uwi.
I have no idea what happened. It's not that . . . not that I don't like it or I am not aware of it . . . . It's more of how the fuck did we get there? If anyone had told me four months ago that I would find myself and Chio kissing for a couple of times, I would have thrown up. Hindi ko alam kung how we got from that to here. And di ko alam kung bakit ba tingin ko, may sagot si Ced doon. It's not like we have known each other for a long time or may magical knowledge of all things.
Or maybe I'm not looking for answers kay Ced. Maybe I just want to tell someone.
Puwede naman kasi 'yun—not finding answers but instead just telling how you feel. Makes things a bit lighter.
"But happy birthday nga pala!" sabi ni Ced nang makabawi. "I should get you something sa next class natin."
"No need," umiiling kong sabi. I go back to what we were talking about, "Hindi na kami babalik sa . . . normal." And that's somehow difficult to grasp. Never going back to what we were means I need to accept na isa lang ang outcome nito if things go bad. And it doesn't include going back sa normal na gusto ko.
Ced looks at me for a long time, then shrugs. "Ano ba kayo?"
I blink a few times before taking my eyes off my plate and shifting it to him. "Friends."
"Who kiss?"
My lips twitch. "Yes."
Ced's brows raise in what seems like amusement, then he shrugs. "Friends who kiss and who went on a date."
Kumunot ang noo ko roon. "Hindi naman kami nag-date."
His mouth hangs open. Natawa ulit siya saglit. "What's your standard for a date? Umalis kayo, he buys you flowers, food, spends time with you . . . then you guys kiss, tapos hinatid ka niya pauwi. That'a a date, Ju. Simple, but a complete basic package."
"Friends don't do dates." At least not in a way that Ced's insinuating.
"And friends don't kiss. Next."
He merely laughs when I kick him on the shin out of reflex. Bakit ba parang inaaway niya ako?
I am about to defend myself when someone clears their throat. My forehead creases pero agad ko rin yung inalis nang lingunin niya ako. Chio's cousin grabs Ced and I's empty glasses, then pours water in them even when we didn't ask for him to. I'm confused because, last time I checked, self-service dito. Nagbago na ba?
I search for the table where the condiments, spare utensils, and water dispensers are, at nandoon pa naman yung paskil na may nakasulat na SELF-SERVICE. It's Ced's first time here so he doesn't ask and doesn't seem confused, kaya he even says thanks to Chio's cousin before he walks away.
Chio's cousin doesn't go without giving me a glance na hindi ko mabasa kung para saan. Imposible namang narinig niya yung kabuoan ng kinuwento ko kay Ced dahil sobrang layo ng table namin. At sakali man, I didn't mention any names. And of course I didn't tell Ced any details na para sa akin lang.
Napatango ako sa sarili when Chio's cousin peels the signage off the wall on his way back. Baka nga nagbago na. But why so suddenly?
It's too late to tell myself to keep a straight face when Chio's cousin looks over to where I am seated. Hindi ko napigilan ang pagkunot ng noo ko. He immediately turns away, though, shaking his head and pulling something out of his pocket before vanishing from my line of vision.
Ang odd. He and Chio are definitely not alike. Si Chio, kahit hindi mo siya kilala, madaling maging magaan ang loob sa kaniya. When I first sat beside him for our groupings, na hinila lang ako ni Eri para maging groupmate nila because I was first convinced I didn't need friends, wala akong naramdamang uneasiness that would make me want to move my chair away. Maybe it's because he always had his smile on. He was too chatty for my liking back then, kaya may kaunting discomfort, pero minimum level lang naman. And hanggang ngayon ay ganoon pa rin naman siya. I think I just really got used to it kaya hindi ko na iniinda.
"What?" tanong ko kay Ced nang mapansing nakatingin pa rin siya sa 'kin. Like he's asking for my rebuttal e, oo na nga, nabara na niya ako. Christ. Ano namang isasagot ko roon sa friends don't kiss?
Because what happened in my birthday is definitely not an accident. And I'm certain to find no regrets there.
My cheeks turn warm when I remember the words that came from my own mouth during that. I have no idea how Chio seems to be flipping over the switches and reversing the calibrations in my head and why he's so good at it. 'Tang ina, anong kahit di ko birthday? Where did that come from?
"So you're friends?"
I roll my eyes. Naririndi na naman ako roon sa salita. "Yes."
"Who kiss . . ."
Tsk. "Yes."
He tilts his head to the side. "Do you like him?"
"We're friends nga, sa 'yo na naggaling, di ba? Paulit-ulit tayo dito, Cedric?"
He covers his mouth when he laughs. Tapos his whole face. Paulit-ulit naman talaga kami. Friends nga lang kami. Ang kulit?
Hinayaan niya akong ubusin ang lunch ko silently. Siguro dadalawang subo na lang ang natitira when someone comes over our table, making both Ced and I pause on chewing.
Upon realizing the situation I'm in, my heart picks up its pace. Si Ced siguro, nang mamukhaan kung sino ang bagong dating, ay nabuhayan ang pagkatsismoso because his eyes brighten.
What the hell is he doing here? I didn't even tell anyone na dito ako magla-lunch.
"Hi," hinihingal na sabi ni Chio bago palipat-lipatin ang tingin sa 'kin at kay Ced. He pulls a chair from the empty table near us and positions it beside me. Hindi niya inaalis ang tingin kay Ced. This is not what I want. Paano kung biglang magtanong 'tong si Ced ng mga tinatanong niya sa 'kin habang wala si Chio? I can't answer those with Chio around! Ang awkward.
"Hello," Ced replies slowly. The look he gives me after makes me want to run away as far as I could. Pinilit kong pagkasyahin sa isang subo ang natitirang pagkain ko at pinilit yung lunukin with the help of water. Kinakabahan na naman ako e.
I don't know kung pagod lang si Chio from walking (or running?) papunta dito, or there's something about Ced that pushes him to be surprisingly quiet, but Chio doesn't speak another word. Either hinahabol niya yung hininga niya or tinatantiya niya kung ano'ng sasabihin kay Ced na kahit nakita na niya dati ay hindi pa naman niya nakakausap.
Chio just looks at me, and then back to Ced, nang wala pa ring sinasabing kahit na ano. When he gets up and proceeds to the counter, where his cousin is na nahuli ko na namang nakatingin sa table namin, saka lang ako natauhan. They may be different people pero magpinsan nga talaga sila. Why do I feel like may pag-report na naganap?
I look back at Ced when I hear him clear his throat. He downs the remaining water from his glass and stands. "Tsitsismis pa sana ako, but I think I need to go," he says with a suggestive grin. Was it the right choice to befriend this guy? Maybe I should have chosen someone quiet and only talks when asked.
"Bye, Ju. Hahatid ka naman for sure n'un, di ba? Balitaan mo na lang ako," dagdag niya nang may pahabol na tawa. I only glare at him and watch him on his way out. He says balitaan as if he's so sure na may gagawin kaming something ni Chio once he's not around.
"O, saan ang punta n'ung kasama mo?" Chio asks when he returns to the table. May hawak na siya ngayong isang malaking bottled water. The movement of his chest tells me na hinahapo pa siya. Seriously, how fast did he run to get here? Ang liksi-liksi niyang tao at parang laging nakawala sa hawla tuwing PE nang parang di naman napapagod, pero kung umakto siya ngayon e parang bibigay ang buong katawan niya. "Umalis na?"
"Yes. He still has classes," sagot ko. Tatayo na sana ako pero mukhang nangangailangan pa rin ng ventilator si Chio. At kapag tumayo ako, I'm sure he'll follow, so I remain seated while he evens his breathing out.
"What are you doing here?" I ask. He throws me a glance, balik na naman sa pagiging oddly silent. He shrugs as if by accident ang pagpunta niya rito at napadaan lang siya. In that state? Sino'ng niloloko niya? "Pawis na pawis ka."
He merely nods, fishing a handkerchief from the back pocket of his khaki pants. I watch him fix himself up and finish that huge bottle of water. Pagod na pagod si tanga.
He's quiet again for few moments, before he sighs and finally says something, "Sino 'yun?"
"A friend," sagot ko. I think that's too vague, and I don't have any reason not to tell him anything about Ced so I continue, "Si Ced. Kaklase ko sa Spanish."
He nods, repeating Ced's name quietly. "'Yun yung ka-date mo, 'no?"
I click my tongue. "Hindi nga 'yun date." Hindi maka-move on? That happened weeks ago.
He chuckles lightly. "Okay . . ."
Tumahimik ulit siya. When Chio goes quiet, parang katapusan na talaga ng mundo. When I see him like this, parang nag-iisip nang malalim, feeling ko mamamatay na kami bukas. It's just not him.
Pero sabagay, the state of things now aren't what they should be either.
Siya ang nag-ayang umalis na kami. We use the umbrella he gifted me on my birthday on our way back dahil galit na galit pa ang araw. We don't jump away from each other when our skins touch, and we don't have the ridiculously large distance between us anymore as we walk together.
I asked for these things . . . I wanted these . . . pero somehow, I'm still bothered. Kasi alam kong kahit na ganito na kami, may nagbago. The touch feels different. The distance, or the lack of it, means something more. And I have to carry that weight . . . or endure that itch na hindi mawala-wala na parang lagi akong nire-remind na these aren't how things should be.
But that's what I get for doing something I shouldn't have done.
Like kiss my only guy friend who seems to be wearing his heart on his sleeve.
And agree to hold him near my heart with my very shaky hands.
"Friends lang talaga kayo n'un?" Chio asks habang naglalakad kami, in a volume na parang he's brave enough to ask but does not have the courage to let me hear it.
"Yes," I assure him, nodding. "Why? You don't like him?"
He pouts. Umiling siya at nilingon ako saglit. "Di naman. Mabuti nga yung may ka-close ka do'n sa klase mo e . . . . Para kapag may kailangan ka, di ba? Para di ka naman loner," he says, chuckling towards the end of his sentence. He takes a deep breath when his laughter dies down. "Pero, Aju . . ."
"What?" I ask, keeping my eyes on the road dahil tatawid kami. I hold onto his arm dahil halos walang sasakyan ang gustong magbigay ng daan.
"Di mo naman hinahalikan 'yun?"
"Tangang 'to. Of course, not." Napisil ko tuloy ang braso niya bago ko bitiwan nang makatawid kami. What kind of question is that?
He chuckles. "Okay, goods." He transfers the umbrella to his other hand but still managed not to let the sunlight touch even an inch of my skin.
His right hand reaches for the top of my head, tousles my hair, and as if it's out of habit, slides down to get a hold of my nape. Hindi na ako nakiliti when his thumb goes to stroke the side of my neck. "Okay na ako du'n."
*
"Get your shit together," I tell Chio and smack the back of his head lightly when he attempts to doze off again at the library. We have a unit test coming up and he asks for me to spend my precious break time with him para i-review siya at siyempre um-oo naman ako dahil nag-beautiful eyes siya sa 'kin. Tapos ngayon, aantok-antok siya. Next time he does that, I will just look away or stab his eyes with a pen to make him stop, whichever my body decides to do first.
"Putaaa," he groans in frustration, grabbing his sci cal and hitting his forehead with it for a few times before heaving a deep sigh. Pang-ilan na niya 'yun since we got here.
Nage-gets naman kasi niya, napakatamad lang talagang paganahin ang utak. He hates computational questions the way I hate essay ones or yung mga modified true or false. Ayaw ko ng ganun dahil ayaw ko nang mag-isip, at yun din ang reasoning ni Chio sa computational questions. On my end, mas pinag-iisip ako ng essay type questionnaires, and those are harder because there's a higher chance I'll get them wrong. And I trust my calculator more than my gut because there's a way to prove that my numbers are correct.
Well, si Chio, ayaw daw niyang mag-isip dahil kapag may numbers, di daw automatic na lumalabas sa utak niya yung sagot. Kailangan pa daw niyang paghirapan at hindi kaya ng intuition.
"Bilisan mo na," utos ko. We're only on our second question sa practice exercise na binigay sa 'min at give up na siya. Give up na rin naman ako, so we're even. He's the only one I'm teaching but I feel like I'm handling a kindergarten class of thirty students kanina habang nagsasagot kami ng unang tanong.
"May gagawin ka ba bukas?" tanong niya, eyes on his paper. I'm watching all the numbers he's writing para makutusan siya agad kapag may mali.
"I will cook," I answer. He stops writing. Naging open parenthesis na lang yun dapat ay zero. He's so easily distracted, too! Noong nanahimik naman ako kanina in an attempt to let him focus, ako ang hindi naka-focus dahil tinitigan niya talaga ako until I reply to whatever he was saying.
"Ano?" he asks, obviously trying to suppress his laugh kaya pinitik ko siya sa tainga at inutusang ituloy yung kino-compute niya.
Oo na, it's a shame na I don't know one of the most basic life skills, pero ano'ng magagawa ko? It's not like I'm allowed to be in the kitchen when I was younger. Pinanonood ko lang si Auntie Mel minsan, but I was never involved. Mommy never had the time to teach me. Wala namang baby na pinapanganak na marunong nang magluto, di ba? Kasalanan ko pa ba 'yun?
"I will try to," pagtatama ko.
The thing is, there will be no Cooking Auntie Mel In The Kitchen to watch when we migrate, so I need to learn it now. Or else mas mahihirapan ako kapag doon na kami nakatira.
Chio lets himself laugh for a while, shaking his head in disbelief. "Di ka naman siguro hahayaan ni Auntie na sunugin ang bahay niyo?"
I nod. "But she won't be there. So . . ." Baka nga magbago ang plano ko. I don't think I'll be that bad to the point of turning everything to ashes. Pero oo nga, 'no? For safety reasons, maybe I should postpone. "May bibinyagan yatang kamag-anak, di ko lang alam who. She's taking a few days off."
"Ano?" Salubong ang kilay niya. I dot the middle where his eyebrows meet with the end of my highlighter so he eases them out. "Gaga ka. Baka mapa'no ka. Magkandahiwa-hiwa at paso ka do'n," umiiling niyang sabi.
"E di wala na akong gagawin tomorrow." I'll just sleep.
"Turuan na lang kita," he suggests, wiggling his brows kaya hindi ko alam if he's being serious or not. "Punta ka sa 'min. Tapos tuloy nating sagutan 'tong hayop na 'to." He proceeds to keeping his pens and papers back in his bag, kaya gumaya ako. May class pa kasi kami. We could have finished the 5-item exercise kung hindi lang siya tamad at hindi madaldal.
"Why don't you just go sa 'min?" I ask. Magdadala pa ba akong ingredients sa bahay nila? At least 'pag sa 'min, I would feel less guilty if I make a mess.
He grins at me then winks before hauling his bag over his shoulder. "Para naman kiligin ako sa 'yo, ako naman ang puntahan mo. Mamanhikan ka na rin dahil strict ang parents ko."
Umawang ang bibig ko roon. What? "You're an idiot." Kung ano-ano talagang pinagsasasabi nito. He merely laughs, not minding the glare he receives from the senior librarian on our way palabas.
*
Ngiting-ngiti si Chio pagkarating ko sa kanila on Saturday morning. Paanong hindi ngingiti, e alam niyang he managed to ruin my day the moment in started.
"Hello?" I didn't even bother reading the caller ID because, common sense, no one calls before sunrise unless it's an emergency.
"Bumangon ka na at maligo. Gusto ko mabango ka pagdating mo dito." That's his opening statement. No greetings, no sorries for waking me up e gabing-gabi na nga akong nakatulog dahil hindi ako tinigilan ni Sab kagabi hanggang hindi niya naiintindihan yung gagawin sa probset, no anything.
"Putang ina ka," I said through gritted teeth. Hindi ko agad napatay ang phone so I hear a few second of his hard, satisfied laughter before the line disconnects.
I pull one of my pillows and bury my face on it, trying to get back to sleep. Ilang minutes pa lang past 5 a.m.! Baka nga kagigising lang ni Auntie Mel at naghahanda pa lang na umalis at bumiyahe.
I don't need to arrive so early sa bahay nina Chio. And I don't need to arrive there nang—I don't need to arrive there nang mabango. Whatever that meant! Puta talaga.
Of course I wasn't able to get back to sleep. Of course hihikab-hikab ako even if ginulat ko na ang buong katawan ko with cold water in the shower. And of course I scrubbed my skin red, used all the things I use for my hair na ginagawa ko lang when I have somewhere important to go to or I want to relax, lathered my skin with layers of lotion and creams, and bathed myself with perfume. Hayop talagang Chio.
"Agang-aga . . . nakabusangot," he says tauntingly as he follows me inside. I look around, and when sure nang there's no one at the floor with us, humiga ako sa couch nila. I am so sleepy. Pinagod pa ako ng drive.
"Parents mo?" I ask with my eyes closed. I feel his weight on the end couch where my feet are. He pulls on my socks and I let him take them off. Hell, dapat siya na ang nagtanggal ng lace ng sneakers ko kanina. I deserve that.
"Kanina pa umalis si Papa. Next week pa uwi ni Mama," sagot niya. He grabs both my foot and sets it . . . on his lap, I'm guessing. Napamulat ako saglit nang palagutukin niya ang pinky ko sa paa. But I return to resting my eyes because, fucking hell, inaantok talaga ako.
"I'm going to sleep," I tell him. Inayos ko ang pagkakalagay ng throw pillow na inuulunan ko. I grab the other one near me and hug it. "'Wag kang maingay. And no TV." Mahihirapan akong bumuo ng tulog.
"Seryoso ba?" tanong niya, kaya I lift one of my feet then set it down hard near his knee. Napadaing siya pero natawa rin. Mukha ba akong nagjo-joke?
"Doon ka sa kuwarto," he adds. I open my eyes just to give him a glare. 'Wag na niya akong madaan-daan sa invite sa kuwarto na 'yan. Last time that happened, our relationship took a drastic turn.
He squeezes my ankle hard, like a warning. "Para naka-air con ka kasi, gaga. Mga iniisip mo sis, ha?" He chuckles. Hahaba lang ang usapan if I throw in a rebuttal, so I decide to keep my mouth shut and my eyes closed. Dahil wala siyang kausap and he knows I want to sleep, tumahimik nga siya.
The last thing I remember before falling asleep is him tapping my ankle in a slow rhythm. Pagkagising ko, he still has his hand wrapped around my ankles, trying to keep my feet together at para siguro hindi rin mahulog sa sahig. Alanganin ang puwesto ng ulo niyang nakadantay sa backrest dahil nakatulog din siya. Sabagay, wala siyang makausap e.
I carefully pull my feet off his grip. I lift my back off the couch and stretch my arms out. I look at him closely for a few seconds, sinasamantala na he's not being dumb so I can appreciate him, before taking my eyes off him. Kukuhain ko pa lang sana ang handbag kong nasa center table when he calls out to me, "Nugget."
His right hand makes its way to the back of my neck with ease, with no hesitations unlike the first time. His palm sits there comfortably. When I lean back para komportable ang likod ko, the same hand sneaks down to my back and then to my waist.
"Anong oras na?" I ask, searching the living room for their wall clock which isn't that hard to find. Mag-a-alas-nueve pa lang.
"Saglit ka lang namang natulog," sabi niya. I pretend not to notice how he's trying to pull me closer to his side. I don't budge and try my best to stay in my spot, because, wala lang—trip ko lang.
There's satisfaction that comes next when I hear him click his tongue a few times out of what seems like frustration before siya na mismo ang umisod papunta sa 'kin. He lays his head down on my shoulder and I try not to react upon feeling the ends of his hair prickling my bare skin dahil naka-sleeveless ako.
Hindi ko rin naman natiis so I reached for his hair and try to push it back para hindi dumikit sa balat ko. He needs a haircut.
I pause on what I'm doing when he turns his head paharap sa 'kin. When he rests his forehead on my shoulder, I feel his lips brushing over a spot in my arm. I continue brushing his hair away from me.
"Gutom na ako," I tell him. Sanay akong kumain ng something before going out because of Auntie Mel. Ngayon lang naman ako hindi ulit nakakain nang maaga because of him. Nang maalala yung pambubulabog niya kaninang madaling araw ay pinitik ko siya sa tainga.
He laughs lightly. "Okay. Luto ka na ng almusal mo."
"What?"
He lifts his head off my arm and raises his brows. "O? 'Kala ko ba gusto mong matuto?"
He has a point kaya sumunod ako sa kaniya. He makes himself a hotdog omelet sandwich, at talagang sarili lang niya dahil di talaga niya ako binigyan kahit isang kagat lang. He tells me to do it on my own, and I tried. Hindi ko alam how I somehow manage to fuck the eggs and hotdog up kaya natusta masaydo yung ibang parts. In my defense, I'm just afraid to eat it raw.
"Kainin mo 'yan, ha?" Chio says na parang nambubuwisit pa. He sits beside me and steals the only decent hotdog sa tatlong pinrito ko. When I try to get it back, hindi siya pumayag dahil siya raw ang nagsaing. The fuck. "Para hindi sayang ang pagkain."
"Sunog," I say the obvious. I cut the white part of the egg out with my spoon and set it aside. Then I look at the miserable pair of burnt hotdogs. Will eating this much give me cancer?
"Kainin mo 'yan, oy. Bakit ka nagtatabi?" tanong ni Chio. I glare at him bago saksakin ng tinidor yung dalawang hotdog.
"I don't eat egg whites sa sunny side up." I don't like how they taste nor feel in my mouth. Lalo na itong masyadong natusta, for sure.
"Luh, lulusot ka pa e," sabi ng putang inang si Chio. Hindi ko na lang siya pinansin at kumain na dahil gutom na nga ako. I ignore his fork trying to push the egg whites from the sides to the center of my plate. Nang mapansin niyang hindi ko talaga iyon ginagalaw ay napabuntonghininga siya before he takes it away with his fork and shoves it in his mouth in one go.
My lips involuntarily curl up into a smile. He rolls his eyes at me before getting my empty plate after I'm done eating and taking it with his to the kitchen sink. Inagaw ko ang baso niya ng orange juice na hindi niya naubos at doon na uminom.
He hands me a new toothbrush after having breakfast. After cleaning up a bit and letting me watch him, nagyakag na siyang mag-prepare ng lunch. He wants to have adobo. Hindi naman na puwedeng bumukod pa ako ng luto roon, so I let him order me around because I want to have a decent lunch.
"Kuhain mo muna yung itlog," he says. Siyempre may pahabol 'yun because he's an idiot, "Yung nasa ref ha, hindi yung nasa akin—ouch!" He deserves to be hit with the wooden spatula; pasalamat nga siya at hindi kutsilyo ang hawak ko. Kung ano-ano'ng pinagsasasabi niya.
"Tanga, mahiwa ka." I pause and take a deep breath before continuing with slicing some potatoes dahil 'yun ang inutos niya. He should really shut up! Mahihiwa ako not beacuse I have no experience in knife handling kundi dahil sa kasasabi niya e.
"Mahiwa ka, ha? 'Pag ikaw nahiwa . . ." Dapat yata talaga hinintay ko na lang si Auntie Mel na umuwi at sa kaniya nagpaturo. Why did I even agree to this?
"You have to be this close?" I ask while watching the food cook.
Mahina lang siyang tumawa before resting his head on top of mine from behind me. "Ayaw mo?"
I roll my eyes even if he cannot see it. Lalo lang lumakas ang tawa niya sa kawalan ko ng sagot.
He keeps on sniffing my hair and doesn't move from his spot until we're done. He goes upstairs to prep his room and leaves me in the kitchen for a moment dahil sabi ko sa kaniya, inaantok na naman ako. This little cooking tutorial drained me of my already very little energy I have since this morning. Hindi na ako nakipagtalo sa sinabi niyang doon kami sa taas because I could use a good bed. And he says his sister may come home soon, at ayaw ko namang abutan ako ni Chai na at home na at home sa salas nila.
"Hindi ka ba kakain muna?" he asks when he comes back down. I shake my head no. He smiles, tousling my hair before passing by me and heading to the sink. "Ligpitin ko lang 'to. Akyat ka na."
I would have offered to help, pero inaantok na ulit talaga ako. I go to the living room to get my bag and phone, head upstairs, find his room, then deretso higa na sa bed niya. I place my bag and phone on top of his brown cabinet. Nakita ko yung headband na laging niya suot sa school and decide to borrow it for a while. Binalik ko rin kung saan ko nakuha dahil sasakit ang ulo ko if I keep it on while sleeping.
Kahihiga ko lang sa kama when a phone rang. The first set of rings is cut short, which I find weird, kaya bumangon ako to check. Upon looking at my phone, wala namang missed calls. A ping catches my attention and leads to me to Chio's phone na nakapatong sa katabi lang na computer table.
I blink a few times and tell myself to look away pero hindi agad sumunod ang mga mata ko. By the time I am able to move my head and neck, tumatak na sa isip what I saw from his lockscreen. It's a missed call and a message I should not have read kahit na it merely says an apology dahil na-click lang daw yung call. It's from someone whose first name is Leigh and a surname that doesn't matter. Suddenly I'm reminded that Miss Clipboard has a name.
I go back to the bed after switching my phone to silent mode para the next time something rings, hindi ko na aakalaing akin and I wouldn't accidentally see someone else's notification. I have my eyes closed for a minute or two, but something doesn't feel right so I moved to the left side of the bed and faced the wall opposite to the windows. Baka nahihirapan akong matulog because even with the lights off, may liwanag pa rin coming from the sunlight seeping through the sheer curtains. I rest my eyes and try again to relax, but I'm just too aware of my pulse and the ticking of the wall clock.
Hindi ako makatulog.
I grab one of Chio's smaller pillows and place it over my head, covering my ears and face. It smells like fresh linen, a little bit close to the perfume I usually wear, and I'm expecting it to pull me swiftly into deep sleep, but to no avail. Hanggang sa narinig ko nang pumihit ang door knob, and a careful Chio walks in. He sees me awake, kaya siguro kumunot ang noo niya.
"Hindi ka pa tulog?"
"Tulog ako with my eyes open," I reply flatly. He makes a face bago puntahan yung aircon at may pihitin doon. I lay flat on my back and watch him pace around his bedroom. When he grabs his phone and checks it, I have no idea why he suddenly, and very quickly, turns his gaze to me as if may ginawa akong masama. I look away just as quickly. I did not do anything wrong. It's not like I checked his phone on purpose.
"Bakit di ka makatulog?" he asks, opening his closet door na nakapuwesto lang sa tapat ng kama niya. He pulls his shirt off from his nape, folds it, then places it in the laundry basket at the corner of his room. He grabs a shirt from his closet before pushing its doors closed. He faces me as he puts his shirt on, raising his brows as if urging me to answer his question.
I remain silent because I have no answer to that. Lumipad na yung antok ko kanina at tuluyan nang nakawala when he entered the room.
Iiling-iling na pumuwesto si Chio sa tabi ko nang padapa. I close my eyes when he reaches for me face and starts brushing my hair off my forehead.
After a while, his hand slides down to my cheek, cups it in his palm for a good while, then slides down to my neck, quickly brushes the side of my boob, before settling on a tender hold on my waist, carefully placing the weight of his arm on my tummy. When I open my eyes, sinalubong niya ang tingin ko. "Aju."
"What?"
"Nauutot ako."
"Tarantado ka talaga." My hands push away the arm he has over me out of reflex. He laughs so hard I'm sure it can be heard outside his room. Mabilis namang hinanap pabalik ng braso niya ang daan pabalik kung nasaan 'to kanina. He snuggles closer and his thumb is drawing lines over the fabric of my top dangerously close to the hem of my bra underneath.
"Bakit di ka nga makatulog, hm?" he asks after his laughter fades. "Kanina, parang wala pang five minutes na nanahimik ako, bagsak ka agad sa sofa e."
I don't answer right way, but he doesn't take his eyes off me as if letting me know that he's not dropping the question anytime soon. I sigh and just remain silent as I try to patch things up with my mind so I can give him an answer.
He waits in silence, patiently.
I clear my throat. I don't how long it takes me to finally say, "I'm not comfy with Gracey's friend around." She's been nothing but nice, so it feels wrong to say what I said out loud.
Maybe it's because she's making me recall what I felt with Gracey before, although hindi naman namin gaanong ka-close or nakakasama si Gracey dati kumpara sa kaniya. I have seen Gracey with Jass and there's this uncomfortable feeling that crept up my spine, and it lingered. Like an itch that just won't go away, and demands for me to feel it. I told Jass about it. He told me that I'm worried about nothing.
Hindi ko naman kasi sinabi sa kaniyang layuan niya si Gracey or huwag niyang kausapin . . . because that's just absurd, maybe even controlling. I just . . . I just wanted to tell him how I felt.
And like I said . . . I don't need answers; I don't need solutions to stop myself from feeling, because I don't need to. I just want to say it so it would be a little lighter to carry around.
Pero parang unfair comparison naman 'tong ginagawa ko. Boyfriend ko si Jass at that time. My feelings are anchored on something more valid. Itong kay Miss Clipboard at kay Chio . . . I don't know. Hindi ko naman boyfriend si Chio. And boyfriend or not, I don't have a say on who he wants to be friends with.
Honestly, I'm expecting him to laugh, then maybe sabihan akong 'gaga ka' or somewhere along those words, or maybe tuksuhin niya ako for feeling this way. But no, those didn't happen. He just offers me a smile, a nod, and a whisper, "Okay." That felt nice. So nice. "Ano'ng puwede kong gawi—"
"Shhh," I cut him off. Okay na ako sa 'okay. ' It feels good. He doesn't have to do anything. Just lifting the load off my shoulders and taking my feelings seriously is enough. Alam ko namang wala akong karapatang . . . wala akong karapatang mag—
I sigh. Basta he doesn't have to share the burden of my feelings. Whatever those feelings are or whatever they are implying.
He props an elbow on the mattress, lifting himself up a bit. Isang tingin lang and I know what he's trying to say, what he's trying to ask for. I block his face with my whole hand, or at least try to, before he can even come closer. "Hindi mo 'yun hinahalikan?"
He laughs against my hand, then drops a kiss on my palm na nakaharang sa mukha niya. "Hindi," he answers right after, shoving my hand away before leaning down to give me a kiss.
He takes the weight of his arm off my tummy, and his hand finds its way to the side of my neck, his thumb lightly tracing lines of my throat. His hand keeps on roaming there, down to the line of my collarbone, to my arm, and then back to that spot where it started. My right arm wraps itself around the back of his neck when his finger travels back to my collarbone, then slips very swiftly under the strap of my bra.
There's really something about the air of his room. May kailangan siyang baguhin or else this is going to happen every time I'm here.
Maybe it's the movement of his lips that's forcing me to spit the words out, so I tell him, honestly, "I don't want you doing this with anyone else."
He lets out a noise, something that sounds like a mix of a hum in agreement and a moan. He whispers against my neck, "Hindi ako kailangang sabihan."
"I'm not doing this with anyone else."
He lets out a chuckle. When he brings his lips back to mine, naramdaman ko pa ang ngiti niya. "Thanks."
"But we can't—" I put a hand over his chest, asking him to pause and give me room to breathe. His gaze fell on me so tenderly that it made me think twice whether or not I'm going to finish my sentence, but he hasn't kissed a part of my rationality away, so I decide to push through. I want to be honest with him. "We can't tell anyone else," I say. "Not our friends," dagdag ko as if meron pa talagang ibang pagsasabihan.
Hindi ko alam if it's because I'm still in a daze after being kissed, but I can't read the change in his eyes nang bitiwan ko yung mga salita. I don't know if he's stunned, if gusto niyang magreklamo, if he's confused . . . . And it's weird because I'm used to Chio being so transparent. It's easy to tell how he feels, because he's brave enough to let himself be read easily. Imagine allowing yourself to so vulnerable like that.
"Why?" I ask, kasi hindi naman ako manghuhula. "What are we going to tell them ba if ever?" We can't just pop out on a Monday morning, huddle the two girls to a meeting, then tell them we're spending our free time kissing the hell out of each other. If this were Jass and I last year, may sasabihin talaga kami . . . . E ito? What do we tell them?
Is there anything to tell?
He gulps, nodding. Before I can say more, he's already rasping my name against my lips. So, naturally, nakalimutan ko na rin yung idadagdag ko dapat. His hand crawls back down to my waist, bunching up my top na plantsadong-plantsado before coming here. This guy. Akala mo siya ang namlantsa kung makagusot.
"Basta tayo lang ang . . . ganito," he whispers, softly tugging on my lower lip with his teeth, and so the only words I find in response is, "Of course."
"Okay," he replies. I feel the coldness of the room against a part of my already-bare waist. My shirt is hiking up sa kaiipon niya n'un sa kamao niya.
"Okay na ako do'n," he adds as his lips make their way to my jaw and down to my throat. I thought I can finally speak with my lips finally free from being locked with his, but his hand starts to boldly sneak beneath my shirt, and of course, all my words packed up and left my speech bank nang walang tanong-tanong.