hi everyone,
thank you for all the love on the new fic <3 I'm really glad everyone seems to like it so far, because this is the fastest I've ever written a fic so far, lol. I'm on chapter 9 currently and 30k words in, so I should be able to get updates out fairly fast.
There's a few things, like sexuality, that I guess is explored more in this fic than my others. As educated as I try to be, I'm no expert on it, even with my own experiences, so if anyone sees anything I might have done wrong, or misinterpreted anywhere, please feel free to let me know.
Dear Blue,
Happy fourteenth birthday! I can't believe we've known each other for over six years now. It feels like such a long time! I never thought we'd still be writing to each other, not gonna lie. Do you think we'll keep this up forever? I wonder if when we're adults we'll meet each other. I think I'd like to but it also makes me feel really nervous. What if you don't like me in person? I'm not the most outgoing person.
Anyway, I was looking into astrology recently. Do you know what that is? Your star sign is Taurus. That means you're an earth sign. I think that fits you really well. This sort of stuff probably doesn't interest you so I won't go on about it but I'm a Pisces. That fits me pretty well too, I think, based on what I've read online. It's pretty interesting stuff.
Oh, also, I wanted to ask for your advice on something. Chloe's been acting weird recently. She's avoiding me and won't talk to me, and when I ask her what's wrong she just clams up and shuts me out. Tokio can't get her to say anything either. I know that someone at school said something that upset her the other day, but she won't tell me what it was. I don't know how to help her if she won't tell me what's wrong. I'm worried about her, but I don't want to keep pushing her if she doesn't want to speak to me. It's probably pretty hypocritical honestly, since I never tell her what's up with me, either. I'm trying to be more open, but you're really the only person I can open up to. Sorry for rambling though, hope you have a great birthday! Let me know if you get any exciting gifts!
Red
The letter arrived on the morning of my fourteenth birthday. She'd waited a day to send it, so it would arrive on that exact morning. It was a Saturday, and I sat in my pyjamas at the dining table, reading it. My mom wasn't even up yet. I read it twice. I'd never heard of star signs before, so I climbed the stairs and sat at the desk in my room, pulling up the laptop my mom had gifted me for Christmas the year before. It was clunky, and a little slow, but I loaded it up, and searched 'Taurus' in the search bar. A bunch of links popped up, and I eyed them all, wondering what any of it meant.
I was still pretty clueless as a teenager. I had gotten pretty tall, and had been told that a few people in class had a crush on me, but I wasn't interested. Dawn had started to question me recently, asking why I had no interest in forming some sort of relationship with anyone. I wanted to answer her truthfully, but I didn't have any of the answers myself. I was a mystery to myself. I just knew that I'd never felt any urge to have a girlfriend, and had never had a crush on any of the girls in my class. Sometimes I thought about asking Red if she'd ever had a boyfriend, or kissed anyone, but then I decided it was pretty weird to ask that, and figured she'd tell me if she did, anyway.
I clicked on the first link. The page was filled with paragraph after paragraph, explaining the apparent traits of people with my star sign. I was instantly in a trance, leaning into the screen, reading every word, marvelling at how some of it fit, even if it meant nothing, and could fit thousands and thousands of people. I scrolled and read, until I reached a section titled 'Taurus compatibility'. Under, it listed the signs that were most and least compatible. I glanced at it, my interest disappearing as quickly as it appeared, and I started to turn away until a line caught my eye, and I swallowed hard as I looked back at the screen.
Most compatible: Taurus and Pisces.
The feeling of my heart catching in my chest was a foreign, new sensation I wasn't used to, and I didn't understand it. Nervous for some reason, I started reading the paragraph below, all about how well our star signs worked together. My brain was suddenly clouded, my mind spinning with a thousand different questions. One thought I couldn't shake was; Did she write that on purpose? If she'd looked into it, she had to have seen this too. It was the top link when I searched for it, after all.
I wasn't sure why the thought followed me for the whole day. It distracted me, even from the mini party Gary had set up for me, which was really just a sleepover with Brock, Misty and Dawn that his mom had set up, complete with a shocking number of snacks. I lay awake in the sleeping bag on the floor long after everyone else fell asleep, Gary snoring loudly on the bed. I couldn't stop thinking about it.
The next day, I sat at my desk again, the laptop discarded on the bed. I stared down at the blank paper in front of me, chewing on the end of my pen. I wanted to ask her if she'd seen the article, but that would show that I had. I also didn't want to admit that I'd searched it again this morning, and found that all of the other sites listed us highly, if not top, too. It didn't matter, I told myself. I wasn't sure why I was even hung up on it.
Dear Red,
I had a sleepover at Gary's. It was alright, but his taste in movies sucks, and Dawn kept stealing all of the snacks. I told him that we should watch something other than Avatar, but he's an idiot. Being fourteen doesn't really feel any different from being thirteen, does it?
I'd love to meet you one day. When do you think we could? Don't worry about all that. I'm 100% certain I'll still like you. Even if we never met, I'd keep writing to you though. We're friends, after all.
As for Chloe- I know this sounds stupid, and I don't really know a lot about this sort of stuff, but do you think she maybe has a crush on you? Dawn told me that's what Barry was like with her when he had a crush on her. I wouldn't push her though. Instead of asking her again why don't you tell her that it's okay for her to tell you anything? Then maybe she'll tell you herself.
I looked into the star sign stuff. I don't understand all of it (wtf is a moon and rising sign?) but it was interesting. According to this site, I need to find myself a water sign.
Blue
I posted the letter that morning. The second it left my hand, a strange sort of panic ensued. I suddenly worried that the last line might be considered flirting. I'd never flirted with anyone before, and I didn't want it to come across that way, especially not to Red, who I valued too much to scare off with poor attempts at it. It poured with rain as I walked back to the house that morning, and as my drenched hair clung to my skin I tipped my head back and sighed into the sky, wondering what was wrong with me.
It rained for three days straight. It felt like it was matching my mood, because I was low energy suddenly, and wasn't sure why. The energy only returned a little when I woke up and went downstairs to check for the letter from Red. I ran out into the rain, holding my arm over my head like that would stop me from getting wet, to retrieve it. I took it upstairs, my hands trembling a little as I pulled the envelope open.
Dear Blue,
I think your advice worked! I told Chloe that she could tell me anything and she seemed really grateful. We've not been very open with each other but now she seems to be coming back to me, bit by bit. I think she'll probably tell me what's bothering her soon. It's definitely not a crush on me, though. Trust me.
Honestly, Blue, if we were to meet, I think it should be when we're done with university, or whatever we do after high school. I think that would be the best time to meet. By then we'll be able to make our own decisions anyway and won't have to ask our parents. I know it seems like a long time but I'll still be here if you are.
I can't believe you actually looked into the star sign stuff. I thought you were gonna call me crazy. I'm not entirely sure I believe in it but it's fun anyway, right? Tokio was laughing at me when I told him that he's a Libra.
I think I found the website you're talking about. Apparently I need to find myself an earth sign.
Red
My heart lurched forward in my chest, my throat tightening. I stared at the obvious pair to my final line, written in her neat cursive across the page. I pushed my desk chair back, putting distance between myself and the letter, and ran my hands over my face, pressing my palms into my eyes. This was stupid. I should never have written that line. Now, I thought, Red probably thinks I was flirting. That was a dangerous line to cross, even if it meant nothing, and was just harmless banter.
I wanted to write back, but I had to clear my head first, so I left the house, despite the rain, and walked to Dawn's. She answered on the second knock, eyeing me up and down, her eyebrow raised. She could tell something was up with me just from the look on her face, and stepped aside so I could come in.
Dawn still didn't know I still wrote to Red. I wanted to tell her, because I didn't think she'd laugh now that we were older, and she was more mature than me, but the time was never right. I followed her into her bedroom, where we sat on cushions on the floor, her legs crossed.
"What's up?" She asked me, frowning. I thought about what to say for a moment, and how to word what had only just started troubling me.
"I've been thinking," I started, swallowing hard. I was trying to take my own advice, and open up more. It was fine, only letting Red in on the soft side of me, until it was something I didn't want to talk to her about. Besides, Dawn was my best friend. I trusted her. "About why I never have a crush on anyone."
Dawn's eyes sparked, just a little, and she sat up a little straighter. "Mhm. I was looking into this just this morning, actually."
"You were?" I asked, a little hesitantly. I didn't know what she meant by that. She reached out and grabbed the laptop that was resting on her bed, pulling it onto her lap. She opened it and tapped on the keyboard a few times before holding it out to me. I took it from her, and looked down to find she'd opened a website that listed a number of different terms I'd never heard before.
"What is this?" I asked, my throat closing up. My palms were starting to sweat.
"Something they don't bother teaching us at school," she replied, with an added eye roll.
I looked back at the list, which I now realised were different sexualities, and what they meant. I was completely befuddled by her decision to show me this, the pieces not quite clicking into place yet. I read a few from the list. Asexual, Bisexual, Demisexual, Pansexual. Furrowing my brows, I looked back up at her. She was watching me expectantly, like she was waiting for me to have some sort of epiphany.
"You think I'm one of these?" I asked. She huffed a sigh.
"You could be. That's what I'm saying. Or you might just not have found anyone you're interested in yet. We're only fourteen, Ash. We have plenty of time to figure ourselves out."
Blinking at the list again, I let her words sink in. I read the descriptions of some of them. I let myself wonder if I could be anything other than straight. Of course, I knew there were things other than straight- I didn't live under a rock. I just never considered those things for myself. It was a little too much to take in all at once, and a headache started to form in the back of my skull. I passed the laptop back to Dawn, furrowing my brows. "You were looking into this for me?"
She bit her bottom lip and looked away, her face glowing red a little. "No. For me."
Surprise shot through me, and my eyebrows shot up as I figured out what she meant. "So-"
"I don't know," she said quickly, defensively. "But I think I like girls."
"Oh." It was all I could think of to say. It didn't bother me, not in the slightest. When I thought more about it, it also didn't really surprise me. "Well, that's cool."
Dawn rolled her eyes again. "That is such a you response."
I smiled sheepishly, rubbing the back of my head. "I'm sorry. I think... I think you could be right about me, too. But I don't know yet."
"Then I guess we're both just figuring it out," she said with a little smile. In that moment, I was so grateful for her, despite how annoying she could be, and how frequently we fought. I knew that, whatever happened, we'd always have each other's backs. But I still couldn't bring myself to tell her about Red.
When I wrote my response letter later that evening, I made sure I included absolutely nothing that could be considered flirting. I wasn't sure if she'd even meant it as flirting, but I didn't want to give her the wrong idea. I was navigating uncharted waters, and I was terrified of capsizing. I wrote that Dawn had admitted to me that she didn't think she was straight. I felt a little guilty writing it, but then remembered that Red had no idea who Dawn was, and could pass her in the street and never even know. I didn't mention anything about my own struggles, because I wasn't sure how she'd react, and it seemed dangerously close to revealing our genders, which is something she'd repeatedly insisted we not do, even though by that point, I had no doubt.
Her response came a few days later. I read it before school, forgetting to eat my breakfast.
Dear Blue,
Were you surprised about Dawn? I almost laughed when I read your letter, because last night Chloe came over and told me the exact same thing. That's what she's been keeping from me. She likes girls too, or at least she thinks so. I guess she's just trying to figure that out herself. I told her I'm here for her, even though I can't relate on that part.
For the rest of the letter, she rambled about how her parents had pissed her off tremendously, but I latched onto that one line where she revealed she couldn't relate. It was vague, but seemed to mean she wasn't into girls. Well, that was something I didn't already know, anyway. I tucked the letter away with the rest of them, and in my response letter days later, made no mention of my own preferences. I wouldn't have known what to say, anyway. I figured that I'd tell her one day, when I knew for myself.
— — — —
Months passed. Occasionally, there'd be flirty subtext in our letters. Sometimes I wouldn't pick up on it until hours later, when I was sitting thinking about her words, either at school or out with my friends, and I'd go silent for a long while, my heart pounding against my ribs. I didn't understand, and maybe didn't want to understand, because I was too afraid of the truth that might have been starting to show itself- a truth that was so ridiculous that even I would have laughed, if I ever admitted it to myself. It was a cold spring Sunday morning, just a week after Red's fifteenth birthday, when I got a letter that hit me hard.
Dear Blue,
Another pretty rough week at school. Sometimes, I just feel really isolated from everyone around me. I feel like I don't belong here. I feel like I don't understand everyone else, and they don't understand me. I bet you don't worry about that. I know you're super popular at your school. If you wrote a list of your friends' names it would probably cover the front and back of this paper, right?
I'm not usually bothered about not having many friends, but lately, every time Chloe speaks to someone new, I get this nagging feeling of dread. I've realised that I'm scared she's going to like them better than me, and leave me behind. I know it's stupid. I know that I'm not entitled to be jealous if she does make a new best friend. I shouldn't rely on her so much. Tokio tried to introduce me to some of his friends, but we just didn't click. I rarely ever click with anyone.
I think if you and I had met in real life, we would have clicked. I rely on you, too. You're the one person I can vent to and not have to worry about it. I feel like you get me. It's so weird that I could pass you on the street and never know, but I also kind of like it.
Nobody gets me like you do. And don't get me wrong, I love that we've carried this on for so long, and I know that one of the reasons I feel like I can completely speak my mind is because there's no real face to your nickname, but... Sometimes, I find myself wishing you were here next to me.
Red
I read it over again in my room, lying on my back in bed, staring up at the ceiling. She was right- the list would cover both sides of the page, and yet I felt so alone, reading those words. I realised, lying on my own, that I was yearning for her. I wanted, more than anything, to say fuck it, and show up at her house. I had no idea how I would get there, given that it was a two and a half hour drive. I had no idea if she'd even want me there.
Besides, I knew it was probably better if we didn't meet. There was magic in those letters, and I worried that meeting up would ruin that. I crossed the room and sat at my desk, staring at a blank page for what seemed like hours. I was still considering asking her if we could find a way to meet up.
In the end, my response was a cop out. I reassured her that I would still be here if we ever did decide to meet, and that I was with her, whether it was in person or via letters. I wanted her to know that, despite us being so far apart, I had her back. It killed me that she was probably lying in bed too, staring up at her ceiling, feeling alone. But I knew that writing was the only way that I could help. So I did.
If she was disappointed that I didn't suggest meeting up, she didn't show it. She wrote back normally, as if nothing was wrong. The silent pleading in her last letter was completely forgotten, like it never happened. I kept myself busy on the days between her letters, and tried not to think too much into it. I think, over time, I convinced myself that it was nothing.
But it wasn't nothing. Somewhere along the line, she'd become my best friend, crazy as it was. I thought that, if we ever met by accident, I'd know. I'd know her, even without a name, or a face. We were connected, two souls destined to meet at some point, when the time is right. We were bonded, for life.