Chapter 57
Published: March 17th, 2023
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
It was the middle of the night and Harry's eyes wrenched open. He had only slept an hour or so before his nightmares woke him. He longed for the sweet oblivion firewhiskey provided, but knew he shouldn't. He didn't want to go down that hole, again. So he got up, washed his face in the loo and soldiered off to the kitchen to get some water. However, he dropped the glass he grabbed, because his hands were shaking so badly.
"Shit!" he swore quietly, but cast a wordless Reparo and the glass reformed.
He got some water and sat at the table, trying to calm down and hold back the tears. He looked up when he heard footsteps coming down the hallway, and Ron entered the kitchen.
His mate sighed when he saw him and sat across the table from him. "How yeh doin'?"
Harry shrugged. He wasn't up for conversation, which had been usual for the last week.
"Yeah... I get that. Nightmare?" Ron prodded, gently.
He nodded.
"Joel left potions for you... if you want something."
He shook his head. He didn't want to talk. It was hard enough to control his breathing. The walls were too close right now. Light probably would have helped, but he didn't want to look any more pathetic to Ron by turning on the lamps. He fidgeted more, critically aware that Ron's gaze watched his every move. Ron saw a lot more than he used to. He was a great Auror, now, intuitive and empathetic. But Harry didn't want him to see how broken he was.
"Harry, it's okay to need help, you know?" Ron said, confirming that.
"Yeah," Harry growled, getting miffed. "I'm so fucked in the head that you have to cast motion wards in the hallways to make sure that I don't do anything to myself."
"I didn't cast anything and, besides, I heard something break."
Harry's eyes narrowed. He didn't believe him.
Ron sighed. "I didn't cast any wards for you, Harry. I always cast wards... in case the kids wake up, and... well... I'm paranoid that some perp I've arrested over the years comes here to hurt my family. The war mindset never really left me, Harry. I can't leave them off for a night. So, no, there's nothing special up for you... or stopping you. I'd want to know if my kids try to go outside in the middle of the night at their age."
Harry looked at him, frowning. "Sorry... I...."
"You don't have to apologize. We are being... cautious with you, cause we know that you're going through a hard time. All the shit coming out, getting attacked, confined... then Draco left...."
Ron stopped after Harry visibly flinched at his name. His eyes welled with tears, and he looked at the dark walls that felt too close. His chest felt tight, like he wasn't getting enough oxygen. Harry tried to stop the building panic but hadn't been that successful lately. Of course, he would usually just go to his room and lock the door. No one would see him fall apart... and he could break down in solitude.
He doubted that Ron would let him walk away, but he stood up, barely able to keep his breathing under control and tried to walk down the hallway. Ron did get up and blocked his path.
"Harry... wait," he said, and held out his hand. "Come with me... I promise it'll make you feel better."
He looked at him and his hand dubiously, but the lure of relief from this pain was strong to resist. He trusted Ron and would pass out from lack of air soon. He took his hand, and Ron cast a quick Silencing Charm before pulling him into his Apparation. Harry closed his eyes as they appeared outside, and all Harry could smell was salt and water. His bare feet were already sinking into the sand, and he could hear the sound of waves gently rolling. Though it wasn't too chilly, his body shivered slightly from the abrupt temperature change. He looked and saw they were on a beach. There were no lights in sight except for the crescent moon over the water.
"Breathe it in Harry..." Ron said, quietly. "Deep breaths."
Harry struggled to comply at first, but immediately his airways filled with salty air and opened up. The tightness of his chest vanished as he took in more breaths. The shock to his senses ended the attack. He looked at Ron.
"See? A lot better, right?" Ron said, still holding his hand.
"Yeah... thanks," he said, a little embarrassed.
"You know where we are?"
"The ocean?" Harry said, and he couldn't see much on the shore as he scanned again for distant lights. There were none.
Ron laughed. "Obviously, look there. You can make out the house."
Harry looked at where he was pointing and saw a dark structure several hundred meters away. It finally clicked. He hadn't been here since the war. "Bill's?"
"Yep. We're outside their ward lines. They both are in France visiting Fleur's family."
Harry nodded, and when he pulled his hand, Ron let go. "Thanks."
"It's not a problem, Harry," Ron said and took a few steps forward, stepping past the high tide line and stopping as his feet hit the water. "Hmmm... not too cold."
Harry waited a few seconds and then stepped beside him. The water jolted his system, again, and he liked it. He felt... grounded. Ron conjured a bench behind them and sat down, keeping his feet in the water. Harry sat down next to him and looked out over the water. He kept breathing in the fresh air. For minutes or hours, he wasn't sure. It was nice... quiet. The summer heat was just warm enough to counter the chilly breeze from the waves.
"You haven't said anything," Harry whispered, breaking the silence.
"I figured you'd talk when you wanted to," Ron said.
Harry grimaced. "I'm keeping you up."
"I don't care," he replied.
"You can go. You have to work tomorrow... today," Harry added, looking at the sky. "I don't want to affect your work."
Ron turned his head and met his gaze. "Harry... you are more important than my work. You are more important than everything... short of my wife and kids. You are my family... my brother."
Harry's eyes watered, and it wasn't the first time Ron had claimed him as family so forcibly, but it still hit him hard. He reached for Ron's hand, and he offered it immediately, their fingers intertwining.
"Thank you... I don't think I would have gotten through all of this without you," Harry whispered, as tears fell. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you what happened back then."
"I understand, Harry. I'm not mad or surprised that you didn't. You never told us when you were hurting. Not with what your muggles did to you, not how you were hurting after the graveyard, and Sirius... and... well, everything. You always hid that you were hurt."
"I'm sorry," he repeated as Ron's words burned him.
"No... geez, Harry. I'm not looking for an apology. I'm just saying that you don't ask for help... that you don't know how to let people in."
Harry wiped his tears away. "I-I didn't want you to look at me... like I'm broken... not that you ever did. Even now... I don't know how you can let me stay in your house... be around your kids."
Ron made a choking sound. "Harry... how can you think that? You're great with Hugo and Rose. They love you."
"I'm a walking disaster, right now. You know it, and they know it. Rose takes Hugo to her room whenever I zone out. They're scared of me," Harry said, remembering a few times that he drifted off into his head.
"They are scared for you, Harry," Ron insisted. "Rose is very perspective and knows you need a moment when your emotions hit you. They love spending time with you."
"I'm an addict, Ron."
"You're recovering, and it's not like you drank in front of them. You hardly drank in front of us," Ron pointed out.
"They know something is wrong."
"Yeh, they do, and they are worried... about you. We all love you, Harry. I know you would die before you let anything bad happen to Rose and Hugo. They know it, too. You're so patient with them."
"What if I... snap?" he whispered.
"Harry..." Ron said, gripping his hand, tightly. "You didn't snap after all the shit this past three months, these past five years. You're strong. I know that you don't think that, but you are. You're standing on your own two feet this whole time... you survived. Now, it's time to start healing... and it's going to suck, but you will get better, cause you have us to help you, now."
Harry met his eyes, and more tears came out. "Thanks... I should have told you what happened back then. I should have trusted you and Hermione, but... I didn't want to face it."
Ron squeezed his hand. "I know and it's understandable. Harry, you went through Auror training... you remember what they said... about dealing with victims of assault?"
Harry blinked and nodded slowly.
"Some people deny or hide that bad things happened to them... sometimes don't confront it for years... especially guys. They blame themselves. You're not some sort of super human, Harry, that you could handle what happened unscathed. You have to give yourself some slack. You have to forgive yourself, because you didn't do anything wrong. None of this is your fault."
Harry shook his head. That couldn't be true. "I just went with him...."
"Harry... that is not your fault. He lied and manipulated you. He was a predator. You don't have to apologize for him. He was the one who hurt you. He was a monster, just like Voldemort."
Harry took a staggering breath and watched the waves crash along the shore for a long time.
"Thanks, Ron. You've been... really... supportive through all this."
Ron gave his hand a squeeze. "I'd do anything for you, Harry. You were there... at my worst time, too. You saw the worst in me, that day in the woods. You didn't turn me away... you accepted me. You always accepted me, no matter how much of an idiot I was."
Harry smiled faintly. "Yeah...."
"And let's not forget how many times you saved my life during our fun-filled days at Hogwarts."
"You saved me... in many ways, Ron. You were the first friend I've ever had."
Ron was quiet for a moment. "I just wish... I could've done more for you... seen how bad you were suffering these last years. I shoulda asked."
"You did ask... and you saw. You made me come over and not stew in my memories. You knew I was... messed up. I know you did. And every time I came over... it was like a jolt of life was shot into me. Honestly, you guys kept me going... you keep me going."
Ron took a deep breath and wiped his eyes with his free hand. "Bloody hell, Harry."
"Yeah..." Harry mumbled.
They lapsed into silence for nearly another hour. Harry's feet were getting cold, but it still was helping him stay in the present. Ron wasn't going to ask to leave. Harry knew he was a veteran of many stakeouts in blistering cold weather. No, Ron would remain here, and probably keep his mouth shut until he said something first.
"He... hasn't written," Harry whispered.
"I was wondering when Dra-Malfoy would come up," Ron said with a chuckle. Malfoy didn't hurt as much as Draco did.
Harry didn't say anything else. He was trying not to think about... Draco. It was already a week... past a week, and Draco hadn't reached out in any way. Not to him or Joel... or so Joel claimed. He just wanted to know that he was alright. That his healer knew what to do... that Blaise was taking care of him. That he was exercising and following his instructions. But there was nothing. Draco had broken contact with him, and he had to respect that. But bloody hell... it hurt... and it hurt because....
"I love him," he whispered and pulled his hand free from Ron to bury his face into his hands.
Ron gently patted his shoulder. "I know, mate."
Fuck, those words burned. He cried for a bit. "Ain't I just all sorts of fucked up?"
"No, Harry. There was always something between you and the ferret, even at Hogwarts. You flew into fiendfyre to get him, Harry. You stalked him all of sixth year. This wasn't a rash or impulsive decision. You bonded with him at the hospital... over months."
"The MMMB might not see it that way."
"The MMMB can blow me," Ron grunted.
Harry smirked for a second, but it faded. It hurt, but he had to say the words he'd been dreading aloud. "He doesn't feel the same about me."
Ron touched his shoulder to turn him toward him. "Harry... ferret-face loves you, too. I'd bet my life on it."
Harry shook his head. "He cut me off. He knew I did... and he didn't want me."
"Is that what's going through your head?" Ron gasped. "Come on, Harry. He knows about the MMMB. You told him what they would do, right? Right, Harry?"
Harry nodded.
"He left you-your service, so there would be no case for the MMMB. He can't talk to you. He's making so... it's all on the level."
Harry looked at him hopefully. Was that what Draco was trying to convey at the hospital? Joel had hinted at it, too. "He didn't say anything."
"Plausible deniably. You didn't-haven't planned anything. You can have a clear conscience. Dra-Ferret can do anything... cause it doesn't matter what he does. He doesn't have a healer license to lose. As the patient, he can plan all he wants... and let's face it... he's a bloody Slytherin. So, he has to be plotting something," Ron said, with a chuckle.
Harry's jaw dropped. "But won't it matter... now that you told me?"
"No, cause listen, Harry. You have done nothing improper, right? You can hope that his devious plans come to fruition, but you didn't make any plans. You just have to... lay low and not initiate contact, okay?"
Harry nodded. He could do that... and he wanted to believe it was true. But for how long could he wait? He didn't know. The idea of waiting months... a half-year... a full year... was starting to creep in. He couldn't do it. He closed his eyes and continued to breathe in that salty air. He listened to waves roll and felt the cool water on his feet.
"Just breathe deep, Harry. It'll help."
After several minutes, the mild panic attack faded. It was really nice here. "Thanks... coming here helped."
Ron nodded and leaned forward, putting his elbows on the top of his knees. He looked out over the water. "Yeah, it always made me feel better."
Harry looked at him, trying to remember their time at Bill's during the war. "What do you mean?"
Ron looked at him and blinked before looking at the water in front of them. "I stayed at Bill's... for nearly six weeks at Christmas during the war... when I ran out on you and H-Hermione. It was bad. I had all that stuff in my head from that damn necklace. I was sick with worry that anything would happen to you both. I couldn't sleep... eat. I tried to manage the guilt, panic and anxiety as best I could. But it usually just winded up with me... out here, freezing."
Harry stared at him in shock. He had never thought much about how their separation during the war affected Ron. He felt like a terrible friend, who had never asked about it... or about what Lavender did to him.
"Ron... I'm sorry that...."
"You don't have to apologize. That necklace was fucking with our heads."
"I'm still sorry that I never asked about it. I didn't know it was that bad."
"I'm sure it wasn't exactly sunshine and daisies after I left for you and Hermione, either. It was a stressful time for all of us, and I never wanted to burden you with my guilt."
Harry snorted. "Pot calling kettle...."
"Touché, but we are getting there. Besides... the mind healer Hermione made me see had a field day with it all."
Harry looked down. He didn't like the talk of mind healers. "What... did they do?"
Ron perked up, almost happy at his question. It wasn't like they weren't pestering him to see one for six bloody years. "I met her at her office. Not at St. Mungos, but she had a private practice. We talked about what... had happened first. Then she would go in and see the memory. She mellowed down the emotions... like taking a calming draught when it happened. She didn't erase it, but allowed me to process things without the fear, guilt, shame and pain ramping up."
Harry nodded. He didn't want anyone to see his memories. He didn't want to see it, no matter how calm they made him. "I can't."
"And that's okay. It's your choice, and we won't let anyone take that choice away. But you're still going to talk to Joel, right? That's how the muggles do mind healing."
"Yeah," he mumbled. He looked at the water. The sky was brightening. Dawn was approaching. He thought about apologizing to Ron, again, but decided against it. "Thanks for staying up with me. It means a lot."
"You're welcome. We can always talk... whenever you want. Or if you want to be alone... come here and breathe. We're outside Bill's ward lines, and there are no neighbors."
Harry nodded. "Is Hermione going to take more time off work?"
"No. I'm taking a few days off after today, though."
"I don't need a babysitter," he grumbled.
"I need a break, too, and I want to be there in case you need to talk, again. We're not watching you... we are being available. Besides... you really want to be alone with the kids for a whole day?"
"Would keep my mind occupied," he muttered. He hadn't gone back to the hospital since Draco left. He had taken two weeks of vacation. He had considered taking a month, which Susan said was completely fine.
"Hey, I got an idea. You got a decent pair of trainers?"
Harry shrugged.
Ron sighed, "Well, we will go get you a new pair later."
"For?"
"Well, when I go to work in the morning, I hit the gym... I figure you and I could run together. Nothing like the agonizing breathing and side stitches to really redirect your focus. Endorphins will help your mood and temperament."
"I'm not moody and I hate running," Harry said, glaring at him.
"Too bad, Harry. Starting tomorrow, we're running every morning."
Harry sighed but nodded.