Oh crap.
“You’re...”
She’s... She’s pregnant.
The second she says the words, she screams in agony.
Hope has wanted kids since she was a kid, I’ve never met someone more perfect to be a mum, but here she is, absolutely fucking terrified.
“It’s okay, it’s going to be okay.” I tuck her in under my chin, and she wraps her arms around me so tight I can’t breathe.
That’s okay, I don’t need to breathe, I have you.
“Shorty...” Kage appears next to me as Hope screams and cries endlessly into my chest. “What can I do?”
Nothing. There’s nothing any of us can do now. This is her decision to make.
“Pick her up, she can’t walk. We need to take her home. Now.” Teal has no idea what’s going on, giggling and waving at us as Kage slips Hope into the back seat, before I climb in next to her. “It’s going to be okay.”
She doesn’t say a word, just collapses against me with exhaustion. I don’t think she even knows where we are until Kage is putting her down on the couch in the cafe.
“What do you need?” This is exactly why I love Kage. He never tells me what to do, never assumes he knows best. He only ever wants to know how he can help, what he can do, where you need him. I can’t remember how I did this before him.
“Just give us a minute? Get Teal ready for bed, bring him back down here when he needs feeding, but I need to talk to her.” She sits completely lifeless, her tears stopping but I think that’s just because she’s out of them.
“Okay, but shout up if you need me.” The first time she even moves is when Kage cups the back of my head, pressing a kiss to my crown. She looks at us; the delicate placement of his touch, the way he holds our son but never lets me go. Is this what she wants? Or is this what terrifies her?
He tries to walk away, but she leans over the back of the couch, taking his hand.
“I’m sorry. I should have come to see you before-”
“Don’t you worry about it, Beautiful.” He leans down, swiping the tears off her cheeks before replacing them with kisses. “That's better. How are you supposed to be my sunshine with your face raining like that?”
Sunshine. That’s exactly what she is.
For the first time, I see the closest thing to a smile on her face, but then her eyes move from Kage to Teal in his arms, and it all slips away.
Okay, how am I going to approach this? She doesn’t want to be my friend, but given what she’s just told me, I guess some part of her must still trust me, even a little bit.
I go to take the seat next to her, but now she’s calmed down a bit I think that might be too much, so instead take the one opposite, giving her the table between us for protection.
“Are you okay?” Jesus Christ, May! Could you pick a more ridiculous question to start? You just found her crying and alone in the same place she was kidnapped, of course she’s not okay! “I’m sorry, that was fucking stupid.”
“Just a bit.” She's not angry, which is a step up from every other interaction we've had since she came home, but she isn’t open either. She’s guarded, but I think some part of her doesn’t want to be. “I shouldn’t have told you that. This isn't on you to deal with.”
“Will you shut the fuck up? Of course it’s on me, who else would it be? You’re my best friend, I’m supposed to be the one you come to when you have a pregnancy scare.” I wait for her to roll her eyes, or tell me I will never be her best friend, but instead she just buries her face in her hands trying to stop her tears again.
“I still can’t believe this is happening.” Oh Hope.
“Are you sure you’re definitely pregnant? I must’ve taken ten of those tests with Teal before I believed them.”
“I took twelve.” Oh yeah, she's sure.
She can’t even look at me, but there’s something else too. She’s trying to detach herself from this, pretending like it isn’t happening, but that won’t help things here.
“I know this isn’t exactly the way you planned it, but do you know what you want to do?” I never thought we’d be having this conversation. Hope loves babies, like really loves them. Every dance class we shared she’d find the cutest, smallest toddler she could and play mum. She has the patience of a saint, so much love, and she’s got the biggest heart. I always assumed even if she got knocked up by the postman, she’d be over the moon.
She couldn’t look less happy now.
“I don’t know... I just don’t know.” This is killing her. “I’m supposed to be leaving for London in two weeks, I’m booked on tour for the next six months! I already get enough shit for being the ballerina with huge boobs, I don’t think the bump is going to help the situation.”
“Hope-”
“And babies need stuff, you know? They need a lot of stuff! I don’t have any stuff, I don’t even have my own stuff! I don’t have anywhere to live, the money a ballerina makes is basically nothing when you take kid costs out of it!”
“Hope.”
“I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to raise a baby? I’m not like you, I don’t know what it means to look after someone else. I still can’t sleep without a light on!” She’s scrambling, trying to come up with every excuse she can, when we both know there’s only one reason she's even considering her options.
“Does Craig know?” She reads my lips, her fingers fidgeting on her lap before her hand instinctively goes to press against her stomach.
“Why would I tell Craig?”
“Because he's the dad.” You can give me those innocent doll-eyes all you want, I know you.
Hope is a lot of things, but even after all this time apart, I know she isn’t the type to be giving herself to anyone. She was never the girl to be with a lot of guys, she needs to know someone, understand someone. Since she’s been here, there's only been one man she's been around, one she’s allowed into her mind, heart, and... Well, I think we’re all old enough to know how babies are made.
This baby is Craig’s.
“How... He... I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The walls she had built up that first time she walked into Granny’s quickly start to reinforce themselves, but I can’t let that happen.
Okay, time to go all in.
I jump from my couch to hers. Hope has always been the cuddly one out of the two of us, and I don’t think that’s changed, no matter what this new attitude tries to project. So before she can fight it, I pull her straight back into my arms.
She stays stiff, but I don’t relent. I just hold her, letting my actions speak the words she can’t hear, until the weight of it is too much and she finally falls against me.
There you are. I’ve been waiting for you.
“H-How did you know?” Because I know you. “Did he t-tell you?”
I wait for her to stop sobbing, before pulling her back enough she can see my lips.
“No, but he didn’t have to.” I knew long before either of you did. “I’ve been around him a lot this last year, I’ve seen the way even saying your name does things to him. Then you get back here and you two are at each other’s throats. It was either going to end up in sex or murder.” I’m grateful for the choice you made. “Not to mention you basically called me a raging slut when you thought I’d fucked him.” It really wasn't that hard to put the pieces together. You can cut their sexual tension with a knife.
She laughs, before slamming her hand over her mouth to try and stop it.
Too late! Mwahahaha, I’m totally winning my way back into your heart! Before you go, let’s talk bridesmaids dresses.
“I’m sorry about that.”
“Bitch please, I’ve been called a lot worse.” You can call me anything, as long as you keep smiling at me like that.
It suddenly occurs to her that I’m holding her, and that she’s smiling at me. It’s so natural with us, but we’re not there yet.
Even though it kills me, when she tries to pull away, I let her. We’ll find our way, maybe not today, may not this year, but one day. I’m going to earn my place in her life again, even if I don’t deserve it, because I can’t live without her.
She sits back against the couch, closing her eyes and taking a few deep breaths.
“I haven’t told him. I’ve only told you.” She whispers finally. “We’re not... I don’t know what we are. I didn’t think anyone would ever find out. I figured it was just us working off all our crap, and when I left for London we’d just forget about it again.” Oh darling, life really does like to fuck you in the ass.
Although Charlie would argue that’s the best part.
“You really thought you’d just be able to forget about it? You didn’t think there would be even the slightest awkwardness at Christmas dinner?” Bless her naive little heart. “Oh, oh, can I come this year? I won’t say anything, just let me sit in the corner with a bowl of stuffing and a video camera so I can watch all my favourite bits back later.” I’m messing with her, something she responds to by punching my shoulder.
“It’s not funny!” It’s kind of funny. “My life is going down the shitter right now.” I can make all the jokes I want, but she’s right, this was never going to be simple for them.
Leah and Jay still get comments to this day, even Heather is old enough to hear them now. Mama T and Dad never even got married, there’s nothing stopping Leah and Jay being together by marriage or blood, but people still treat them like a plague.
Hope and Craig, that's a whole different ball game. They’ve been raised together since they were kids, she calls Anniston mum, not to mention they share a set of brothers. It’s some super murky water, but does that really mean they shouldn't be allowed to swim in it if they’re happy?
“I know you don’t want to upset anyone, but you can't worry about that when you make a decision like this. It’s not them that’s got to live with it, it's you.” She's always been selfless, the kind of person that will put the world before herself, but I can’t let her do that this time.
This is her baby. Whether she decides to have them or not, should be based on what she wants, not what she thinks will make everyone else’s lives more comfortable.