The sun leaked through the buildings, confusing me even more, if that were possible. It was already dawning, and I had no clue. How long had I been away? Did I really stay awake through the night? How come nobody went looking for me, or I didn't run into anyone at the church?
I can't say that it bothered me though. If anything, I prefer to be alone, more now than ever. And from all the people in the world, the last ones I want to spend any time with at the moment are O2L, despite everything we've been through lately. I don't want to spend time with them, I want instead to somehow manage to contact Troye, and talk to him... and tell him I'm sorry. But God knows I don't have the guts. So instead I'm walking through the streets of New York at 5:45 am, all on my own. Well, there's you, too, but you're nowhere to be seen. I always have you on my mind, you know? I appreciate that. I think you're good for me; yes... you're the one voice that I truly find soothing now. You are everything to me.
How can I face Troye now, after how I treated him yesterday? After all he's done for me? With him meaning so, so much to me? Maybe like this it's better; maybe like this I won't hurt him any further. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve anyone, and he deserves so much better than me...
Even though it's already June my bones were chilly from the evening. That's what you get from stone walls inside a chapel, I guess. But I was in the streets now, wandering my way back to the hotel as slowly as possible. I had a duty to fulfill to O2L. To my friends, and to the fans. I still had to form a part of this. Just a little longer... and then it'll be all over. It'll be over because I don't think I can take this anymore. It might be selfish, I might be wrong, but... but I'm not good enough for them. Not like this. I probably will never be good enough again. Damn, there's so much to tell... I wonder how I'll do it?
-"... to church... like a dog... your lies..."
I wonder how I'll manage to deal with all of this? There's so much going on, so much I can't control... some things are just too scary to face, don't you think?
-"... death... good... love... !"
And what is that noise!? Great, now I'm hallucinating with songs, like that's just what I was missing.
Or wait... is it really someone singing?
As I walked over to the source of my supposedly imaginary sound, I found myself with a strange sight. At least strange for me, because you know how strange it is for me to be outside exploring the city or what not. I barely know any of LA. What I saw was a young dude, probably around my age. He was on the sidewalk playing a large acoustic guitar, and singing. I don't know why, but the song seemed familiar. He had short brown hair and light brown eyes, with a hint of green. He was a bit tanner than me, and also a little bit taller, too, and was wearing blue jeans with worn out sneakers, and a red sweat shirt over what seemed to be a plain blank t shirt. He didn't seem to be from the city. By his feet, there was a large case for his guitar, and the people who had stopped to listen where dropping dollar bills into it.
A street performer.
For some reason I can't really explain, I felt the urge—no, the need to listen to his song. I wanted to listen and learn; learn about his song and his music, and maybe if I was lucky enough, a bit about his life. So I did that, stood by the people watching and I heard him play, and sing.
-"... If I'm a pagan of the good times, my lover's the sunlight... To keep the Goddess on my side, she demands a sacrifice...!"
People enjoyed watching him, as much as he enjoyed being watched. He took a cue and started walking around giving smiles to the bystanders. There were several elderly ladies, a couple of housemaids and moms with their little kids, and one or another businessman who kept their distance. The performer walked towards a little girl with blonde locks clutched to her mother's hold who was giggling, and lowered his gaze to meet her eyes and gave her a big grin.
-"To drain the whole sea! Get something shiny! Something meaty for the main course, that's a fine looking high horse!"
He left the giggling girl who was now blushing and went back to pace around singing, as he reached what I assumed was the highpoint of the song.
-"What you got in your stables? We've got a starving faithful... that looks tasty! That looks plenty! This is hungry work... Take me to church! I'll worship like a dog, at the shrine of your lies! I'll tell you my sins; you can sharpen your knife! Offer me that deathless death; Good God, let me give you my life!"
There was something in his eyes, and in the way he sang the song. There was something I longed, something I found familiar.
Fun.
He had true fun with what he did, and he loved every second of it. There was no denying, he was an artist in his entire right. His joy... It was something I envied with all my might.
-"No masters, or kings, when the ritual begins... there is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin... in the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene...! Only then I am human, only then I am clean..."
It was then when he saw me.
There was something else in his eyes now. Something I didn't thought I'd see: recognition. This guy knew who I was. How come, from all the people in the world...?
-"... Take me to chuuuuurch...! At the shrine of your liiieeeees! You can sharpen your kniiiiiiiife! Good God, let me give you my life!"
He played the final chord, and in automatic unison all the crowd clapped and cheered. It was a small gathering, no more than seven people at most, but it had been real, and he bowed down with grace and thankfulness of a true musician.
-"Thank you, thank you!"—he said with a strong Spaniard accent—"Much appreciated, have a good day."
The people who hadn't left any money did happily, and were on their way. I however felt like there were a couple of things I wanted to ask... I don't know why, but at the moment I didn't really care to give it much thought. I walked over to him as he was putting away his guitar and counting his dollars. He had a big grin on his face, because it seemed like he had achieved his money goal. I wonder what he needs it for.
-"... You are very good player."—I complimented, not really sure of where I was trying to go with this—"I really liked that. Everyone did."
-"Well, it's a pretty song."—he said still busy with his case—"People like that music... ever heard the tune before?"
-"Well, not really... what was that?"
-"That was Take me to Church by Hozier, he's an Irish singer. The song is from last November, but it's starting to pick up popularity."
He then stood up and grinned widely, slightly nervous.
-"I know this may sound odd, but may I have a picture?"
I raised both my eyebrows.
-"Eh... sure, I guess."
-"Awesome! I mean... wait just a second."
He took a small camera from a backpack I hadn't noticed before and stood by my side before aiming the lens at us.
-"Say cheese!"
After the picture was taken, I just then realized that this guy had to be a viewer. Or else why would he ask for a picture with me?
-"Man, my friends won't believe me when I show them that Connor Franta heard me play today... my lucky day!"
-"Hahaha... you don't strike me the YouTube type."
-"Because I'm not a thirteen year old prepubescent girl? Yeah, people tend to tell me that. But its fine... my name's Aiden, by the way. I love your videos, you actually manage to make me look forward to Mondays, and that's something!"
Aiden's thoughts made me smile, and it was heartwarming. There is nothing better for me in this world than meeting someone who loves watching my videos, be it whoever it may be. Given most of the time its girls, but hey, I'm glad with making anyone happy. Anyone who deserves it, that is, and this guy looked like he did.
-"Thanks for keeping up the good work."—he said—"See you at Vidcon this year? I think I'll finally be able to attend, though I'll have to go with my sister and our cousins. They're all girls, and none of my guy friends like YouTube anyway, so..."
-"Oh, I'm going to Vidcon for granted!"—I said—"Tell me your twitter username, let me follow you."
-"Dude, for real? That's so sick! Thanks! Wait just a sec, this is it..."
After exchanging follows and such, we said our goodbyes and he left on the opposite direction as me. He said he wasn't attending to Digifest because he was just leaving with his family to visit Florida. Bummer, but at least he got to meet me, which I guess counts for something when YouTube realted. Were there more people like him? Who looked up to someone like me? Who felt grateful for my videos? I keep thinking lately that I should probably just quit and stop the whole thing. Go study something, settle down. I keep telling myself nobody even wants to watch me anymore. That I'm not worth their time.
But people like Aiden, who are truly kind and grateful, who are inspired to do what they love... maybe people like that are worth the try, right?
-"Where have you been?"
The words removed me from the temporal trance. I was back in the hotel now, and I had just moved into the elevator when the door got opened by a thin arm, immediately followed by Trevor entering into the metal box with me.
-"I went to look for you in your room and you weren't there, Connor."—Trevor said—"Where had you gone?"
-"Hey, Trevs, good morning... or... afternoon... I'm sorry I just went for a little walk early today."
-"Hmph. Figures. I've been looking all over for you man."
-"Why? Something's up?"
-"No, it's just that... augh... you know how everything around here is lately."
I nodded, and Trevor pushed the button for up. I was planning to head over to my room, but given that I was with him now, I doubted that was a good idea.
-"... Sorry for disappearing like that... I was wondering... how is Sam doing?"
-"Hmm... definitely not fine. He won't talk to Kian or Ricky. And Kian won't really talk to anybody. And Jc... he... he's sort of gone, too."
-"Gone?"
-"Yeah, nobody knows where he is. But I guess it is better like that. He'll probably show up sometime before we have to head to Digifest."
I know it sounds ridiculous, but I couldn't help but feeling a bit guilty. Ever since Birmingham we've all just been so off, and part of it is my fault for not admitting what happened with Andrea to anyone so far. They all think she and I slept together or something. And what do I do to redeem myself? I ran away. Typical me.
I feel bad for Trevor. He alone seems to be taking all of our shit. I seriously don't know how much longer we can all go on like this... it isn't fair.
-"... hey, Trevs?"
-"Um?"
-"Say what; we still have several hours left for the reception ceremony. What do you feel like doing?"
-"W-What!? Connor it's already so late! The other Youtubers might be arriving anytime now...!"
-"Nah, who cares? They'll go straight to the meetups anyway. O2L still has a long time due before our show begins, and since everyone else is about their business, that means you and I can do something fun! How about that?"
-"But... but what could we even do with this little time?"
-"Anything you feel like! You name it."
Trevor seemed dubitative. He looked like he really had several stuff on his mind that he'd like to get, but I had no idea of what he wanted to do.
-"Actually, there is something I had thought about doing... but we would have to leave the hotel..."
-"No problem! Let's go now that we have time?"
-"Are you sure?"
-"Positive!"
Trevor's smiled told me that it was either going to be something very mischievous (which for him was likely) or something extremely unthinkable.
And then, in less than ten minutes we were in a pet shop from a couple of streets away.
-"AAAAAAAAAAAW...! LOOK AT THIS ONE...!"—Trevor exclaimed, as he pointed towards a white bunny that hopped inside a metal cage—"WHO'S REALLY CUTE!? WHO'S REALLY CUTE!? OOOOOH, YES, YOU AAAARE! YOU ARE EXTREMELY CUTE...!"
It was literally a kid in a candy shop. Well, pet store, in this case. Trevor went from display to display, looking at the bunny rabbits, the puppies, the canaries, the freshwater fish and even the kittens (which I'll admit I really drooled over, too). All of the animals from the shop were extremely cute, but they were all kind of frightened by his excitement.
-"DAMMIT!"—he exclaimed at some point—"I WANT THEM ALL!"
-"Well you can't have them all, Trevs!"—I said, chuckling—"Your house might be huge, but I doubt your parents would approve."
-"SCREW THEM! I'M GETTING THE WHOLE PET STORE! I'LL PAY MYSELF!"
-"Luckily for your folks, that's not at all how it works..."
Trevor rushed off to some other display, and I just smiled from afar. I was checking my twitter feed, reading all of the other Youtuber's tweets about how they were already all set for Digifest NYC. Andrea was here. Troye was not, but I already knew he wouldn't come. I mean it's kind of obvious since he lives halfway across the world.
-"You're a very patient big brother."
I raised my gaze and met with the young woman who tended the shop. She obviously didn't have a clue on who we are, or else she wouldn't say we're brothers.
-"I am not even half as patient with my little sister."—she added, with a grin—"I would've dragged her out the shop already."
-"Oh—Trevor's not my brother."—I clarified—"We're friends, but we're not related?"
-"Really?"—she took a glance at Trevor, who was looking at something inside a bit glass box that I couldn't make out well with my eyes—"No wonder you don't exactly resemble each other. But you do act brotherly towards him. You must be really close."
-"Yeah..."—I said—"We've been through a lot."
The woman walked away, leaving me to think about what she said. Is Trevor really like my little brother? I mean, not like Brandon, the two are nothing alike. But do we have a similar relationship as what two brothers would?
I know for sure that brothers don't fight as often as we do in O2L. Or do they? Wait... of course they do! They might even be worse! And brothers do live together, and isn't that what we've been doing for the past two weeks? For the next month, with the tour? Brothers are there for each other... am I not there for Trevor when he needs me? Isn't he there for me when the tables are turned? Isn't all of O2L like that with one another? Are we... like a family?
-"Hey, Con!"—Trevor called—"Come see!"
I walked towards Trevor, and looked into the glass box which he so intently observed. Inside there was the smallest, cutest and most bizarre animal I had ever lied eyes on: It had a little black nose at the end of a pointy snout, it was colored cream and had four tiny paws. It was shaped like a little ball, and it had thick fur that resembled something like... needles?
-"This... this is a hedgehog, right?"—I asked.
-"Yes... I've wanted to get one for a while."
-"Looks cute enough..."
-"They're so friendly! Do you follow Nala the hedgehog?"
-"Who?"
-"It's a Twitter and Instagram account! This girl got herself a hedgehog named Nala; her pictures are HEAVEN."
Trevor was about to keep admiring the little creature, when a familiar voice called us from the back.
-"There you are! I've been worried!"
We turned around and found ourselves with Blake, Trevor's brother who was also travelling with us, in the production van. He entered the shop and headed towards us with a relieved look on his face.
-"Trevor you have to answer your phone; it's turned off."
-"What? No it's no—OH, SHIT! CONNOR WE'RE LATE! RICKY IS GOING TO MURDER US!"
Trevor was right; the show started in about 30 minutes.
-"Nah, don't sweat it."—Blake said—"I've talked to him, told him I'd get you back. He is trying to fetch Kian, because Jc is with Lia and Sam was with them already, I think. I didn't know you were here, Connor. I'll text Ricky to let him know I've found you guys..."
Both Trevor and I sighed in relief. I had completely forgotten all my nerves for the show up to now, but this definitely brought them back tenfold.
-"I'll get a cab so that we can get back!"—Trevor said, running quickly towards the exit—"TAXI..!"
Blake just laughed and then turned to face me, with a smile on display.
-"Thanks for looking out for Trevs, Connor."
-"No big deal... we're friends and all."
-"Yeah, but I mean... he's my little brother but we're not that much alike. Personality wise. That's why he's so close to you guys... you in particular. He really looks up to you and I can always count on you cheering him up and stuff."
My mind travelled slowly. Yet another person who insisted that I was some sort of role model for Trevor. And to make it worse, it was his own older brother.
-"You know, generally he's the one cheering us up..."—I said—"Especially lately that things are kind of tense within the guys..."
-"Yeah, but he gets down because of that stuff, too. Yet you bring him to a place like this, where he has fun. Pretty few people do that for my brother, and that's why I know I can trust you. I can trust all you five. After me, you are all the closest people he has to siblings. You may not think of it that way, but to Trevor you are all family. I know because he's told me."—he paused—"I guess that, what I'm trying to say is... thank you, Connor. For letting Trevor being a part of your family."
I was left speechless, and had no idea of what to respond. Luckily for me, Trevor had gotten a cab and he was already calling us out to the hotel, and back on track with the show. Blake made no further comments regarding the subject, and I was left alone with my thoughts. I know he meant nothing but well by telling me this; but now there is a strange voice in my head, accusing and full of hate. It screams at me constantly, and only I can hear it. But, I guess you can hear it too, can't you?
-"The show was great tonight, wasn't it guys?"
Silence. Not a single reply. Trevor might as well have been speaking with a rock.
-"I mean, generally it's great, but I think that this time we've outdone ourselves. Must be the magic of New York city, huh?"
And again, nothing. We were all currently back in the hotel lobby, all of us sitting on different couches and sofas. The end of Digifest had come, and we weren't spending another night here. Currently, we were waiting for the bus to be ready so that we could leave.
-"... Yeah, Trevor."—I said—"It was a pretty awesome show, wasn't it?"
Trevor smiled lightly, and I could hear a rather sarcastic chuckle coming from Kian's direction. My gaze was driven to Jc, who was sitting on the floor and against the wall. He looked more down than usual (I mean... as of late). We had also not spoken since the Birmingham incident, and even though he and I hadn't fought or anything, there still was some sort of awkwardness there, and I'm not sure why.
-"I... I really liked that backflip you did today, Jc."—I told him—"Seems like all the practicing has been paying off."
-"... Yeah, Connor... I think it has..."—he answered back.
What the hell is wrong with us? We're not this. We're not like this. We are a team—no... we are a family. We should know that much by this point. Why are we having such a hard time remembering that? What is this storm that's ripping us to bits?
This is bullshit.
-"Yes!"—I heard Trevor yell all of the sudden—"Yes, Connor, you're completely right! This IS bullshit!"
Well damn. I'm thinking out loud again. Way to go.
-"What's wrong with us...?"—Ricky said—"Why are we acting like this towards each other...? This tour... it wasn't meant to drive us apart but to bring us closer together. There is no true reason why it should be like this..."
-"... It's like this because we're letting it."—I said, remembering what Dr. Kellerman and I had discussed on the phone—"Because instead of trying to solve this and speaking what's on our minds, we just let the tension drive us."
Silence again. This has to stop. But how? I guess the best way is for one of us to speak, but there is no way I'm going first. They can't know about my thing... not at this point.
-"I'll start."—Sam said, to everyone's surprise, and then turned to Ricky—"I'm sorry for overreacting Ricky. And I forgave you already. I just don't see fair the way you were treating us the... the other day."
Ricky nodded, along with Jc. Well that was actually a good start.
-"Yeah, I'm sorry, too..."—Ricky said, then turning his gaze towards Trevor—"Trevor I'm sorry if I've been a dick lately. I just haven't been thinking straight."
-"It's alright, I don't mind."—Trevor answered—"Because you've been a dick mostly to everyone but me."
-"I know, but you keep trying to cheer us all up and I keep bringing you down."—Ricky answered back—"Mostly because I feel like it's my job to do that for all of you guys, but lately I've had... a lot on my mind."
It seemed like it was going to stop there, but then Jc spoke.
-"Ricky... nobody ever said it was your job. And none of us think of you as the one who should always be happy-go-lucky or whatever. We all have bad days. And it's not anyone's responsibility to do that kind of stuff."
Sam, Trevor and I nodded. Jc then took a glance at me and spoke again.
-"With that said... Kian, don't you have anything to say to someone in particular?"
Kian didn't look up from the floor. I didn't want him to, either. Being this feely was never his sort of thing, and I wanted to be the last reason why he was forced to act this way.
-"... I'm sorry for what I said the other day Connor..."—he said.
-"... And I'm sorry I didn't speak with you about Andrea..."—I said.
-"... Speak what about me?"
Everyone turned their faces towards the door, which none of us had noticed was open. Andrea was standing there, radiant as always. She didn't seem mad or sad, just plain tired. Behind her were Jenn and Lauren, looking extremely worried. In less than a minute Lia was also standing at our doorframe.
-"I'm sorry guys..."—Lia said—"I told them you weren't up for visits, but Andrea insisted she wanted to speak with ya'll..."
Andrea looked at me and smiled. I returned the smile to her, but I knew we were the only two in the room. Everyone else looked intently at us as if they were expecting... something. Probably a kiss or a hug or whatever. Even after all of this they all think she was cheating on Kian with me.
Andrea walked closer and gave me a hug, and then walked up to the front of the room, facing directly at Kian.
-"Connor and I"—she said—"never had anything going on, and never will. He's a very good friend and has been there for me in the last few months. He allowed me to confide in him and gave me his support and understanding unconditionally when I needed it most. He's been a better friend to me than what any of you guys have been to him lately—and I can count you all on that."
Kian once again lowered his gaze. Jenn and Lauren, who both looked extremely confused, just stayed by the door frame whispering things to each other. I remember how Ricky said it was Jenn who told him about me and Andrea talking at the airport. Maybe she felt guilty and ended up telling Andrea about that.
-"This has to stop. Kian, I need to speak with you."—Andrea held out her hand and offered it to Kian—"Will you come walk with me?"
We all waited to see his reaction. Honestly I wasn't expecting him to agree, but he stood up and took her hand. The two walked out from the room hand in hand, as if they were still a couple. I think that's something that only very few couples or used-to-bes hope to achieve. A kind of bond stronger than friendship, marked by what once was love.
I don't have that with anyone. And if I did, I blew it.
-"Don't worry, I'll get him back to you for your departure."—Andrea said, then turning to me specifically—"I'm sorry for all of this fuzz Connor. I'll make it up to you somehow."
-"... There's no need."—I said—"You already have."
With Andrea and Kian gone, Jenn and Lauren walked in with Lia, the first apologizing a million times to me for assuming things that weren't real and asking for my forgiveness and mercy. It was a funny sight, me trying to explain to her that I wasn't mad at all and that I understood what it looked like and she was in her entire right to suspect stuff, given she and Andrea are best friends and all she wants is the best for her, just like me and the boys.
Finally, it really did feel like we were fine again. Not entirely perfect, but at least the greatest storm so far had finally appeased. Amazing how a single problem can turn into such a storm. Hurricane Andrea? Yeah, let's call it that. Don't you find it funny? Maybe it's just my weird sense of humor.
Anyhow, in less than half an hour we were already boarded on the bus. We were still waiting for Kian to arrive so that we could live, and I was at the doorstep of the bus with Ricky whilst the rest were still on the street, waiting for him with Blake.
-"I wonder what's taking them so long..."—Ricky said.
-"Andrea has a lot to tell Ki."—I said, calmly—"I doubt it's something that can be settled in less than an hour at least."
Ricky nodded. There was something bothering him, and bad. I could tell. I can always tell. I turned my look towards him and asked.
-"You don't understand why she went to talk with me instead of you?"
Ricky looked like he was about to protest instead of answering, because he felt the question was ridiculous. But instead he brushed it off and nodded, because at this point it's just easier to admit when we are wrong rather than making a fuss about it.
-"Don't feel bad about it."—I said—"It wasn't like that; we just happened to meet at the right time in the right place. It's not like she talked to me by choice."
I gave it a pause and thought about what else I could say about it without invading Andrea's privacy, and then I added.
-"I'm sure if she had felt more strongly about it, she would've spoken with you, Ricks."
-"Pffft. I don't really mind about that."
Ricky said that with a laugh, but I noticed the slight blush and satisfactory smirk that followed. After another minute or two of comfortable silence, Ricky brought up something that I didn't think would ever come to the table, but good luck for me, right?
-"Connor..."—he said—"Some months ago, when you were in Italy... I might have asked Zoe and Tyler to look after you."
Wait, might have asked?
Does this mean that Zoe didn't tell him what she learned that night?
-"I... I had no idea."—I lied—"Why?"
-"Well... I was worried about you."—he turned to face me frontward—"I am worried about you. You seem so off this last few months, like something is really wrong. Kian had noticed too but I didn't know, and well, you saw what happened in Birmingham... and then there's what you told me when we started the tour. That thing about being a monster in my eyes."
Ricky's question seemed so heartfelt, so sincere, that it made me feel like shit not wanting to answer. It made me feel like shit for not telling him everything from the beginning, and saving him, Kian and Jc all of this trouble. Well, the end of the road is nigh. Dr. Kellerman made me see this last night. I've reached a point in which I can no longer live fully if I keep this secret to my own. Or secrets. I don't even know yet. There is a time and a place for everything, and I think the time for my confession is now. I inhaled and prepared to speak.
-"Ricky, I—"
-"Hey, look, it's Kian!"—Sam said, as Kian effectively walked towards our bus, scrathing his head with his left hand and his right hand inside his pocket.
-"Hey, guys..."—he said.
At first it was silent and awkward, like most things lately. Ricky stood up from his seat and walked over towards our friend. After not doing nothing for a couple of seconds, Ricky embraced Kian in a right hug, and Kian hugged back.
-"Now, that's the spirit!"—Trevor cheered, getting into the hug and dragging Sam with him.
Jc joined in, too, and left a space for me. I smiled, and headed over to my friends and we all had our first group hug since the beginning of the tour. Crazy, how things can change so fast.
-"I'm sorry guys..."—Kian said—"I've been nothing but an ass..."
-"Hey, we're used to that."—Sam said, earning a laugh from everyone.
-"And... I'm really sorry Connor. Again. Andrea explained what happened in Hawaii, and I completely read everything wrong... I was jealous. I'm sorry."
-"Hey, no biggies."—I said, with a grin.
-"NOW things WILL get better! Right? Right people!?"—Trevor said.
-"Right!"—we all went in unison.
One by one, we all went back into the bus. I was the last to enter, right after Sam. Before I closed the door, I took a final look at the street of New York City where we had been spending several days at. Now the tour must go on, and now I'm ready for the truth. I almost tell Ricky today, so who knows? Maybe sometime soon an opportunity arrives, and I'll be able to tell all of the guys and get all of this over with already. Maybe sometime soon I'll be able to get this off my chest, once and for all.
Right?