"The worst distance between two people is misunderstanding"
***
October 2017, Thiago's first birthday
IRENE's POV:
It is with immeasurable pleasure that we get to celebrate another milestone in the family. Andy just turned six last July and as much as I wanted to hold on to the days when I can feed him in my arms, it's just not possible. He is growing up so fast!
But today, Thiago is turning one. He's the first child of Luis and Xandra and though his birth came with an unexpected turn of events, I wouldn't have it any other way. It only made the family stronger. Xandra has shown strength I never saw in her before while Luis, just like his father... stood strong and remained steadfast in his love for his wife and his son.
Today is not only a celebration of Thiago's birthday, but of his small wins as well. Every occupational therapy he's had, every physical therapy he's finished, for every laughter and all of those tears, we are.. in this lifetime, forever grateful.
Raising a child with special needs can take so much toll on the parents. We are trying to give Xandra and Luis all possible support we could to help them ease a bit of their burden. But regardless, it is with deep conviction that I believe that every child is a blessing. Thiago may be different in certain ways than other kids but it does not make him any less of an angel. For in our hearts and minds, he is perfect. In all ways- for always.
I also began associating myself in supporting causes for Filipino children whose lives are on the same path as my grandchild. When I first joined, I thought that it would somehow made an impact in helping them, but I was wrong. It was the other way around. They helped me.
Nobody talks about the grief a family has to go through when you came across a member of yours who will go through this certain path.
It's like a conversation no one dares to start and speak about. Because it can be offensive, it is hard and painful. And nothing can ever prepare you. You just try to learn how to adjust to the needs of your child.
It's breaking my heart as I know that it broke Greggy's as well, seeing Andy run and play and dance and sing and do all those activities while Thiago is on his therapy. Those trips that Alfie and Joy were able to bring Andy, while Luis and Xandra went on a search for new medicines and approach to help Thiago.
But just like any other bumps and detour we have had in the past, my children got each other's back. We are fortunate enough to have Joy as Thiago's on-call doctor. She's not a pediatrician but she's of great help whenever Xandra would go into panic for every epileptic episode of Thiago. Alfie would take over Luis' work load to allow him some days off to help Xandra attend to Thiago. And Andy, as our ray of sunshine, is understanding enough to play with his cousin even if he never got any verbal response from him.
Which is why we decided to throw a party for Thiago bigger than we originally planned. It's also our way of thanking the people who has been helping us since day one.
Some doctors said that his days are numbered, some said he can make it. But whatever the future may be? We, as a family can only make each day count. Nobody said it is going to be easy. But there is nothing that I will not do, no matter how easy or hard that may be, if for my family.
***
The guests started arriving with Xandra's parents, Eddie and Annie being the first to come.
Thiago loves everything about marine life so Xandra decided to have his first birthday theme as "under the sea". Jackie and the rest of the 52 crew did a wonderful job in turning the house into one big ocean! It's fun to see it being decorated for a children's party again.
Bonget and Liza and the kids arrived with Mommy in tow. I am thankful that she's able to see how each one of her children are building a life of their own. I just wish that Daddy was able to witness this as well.
Manang Imee will not be able to make it because she is still in Ilocos. We will get to see her again in time for Michael and Cara's wedding next month.
Patty and Elvie came with Yael and her two sons. Yael is particularly close to me because Greggy is one of her Ninong. Even when we were still dating, Yael would call me "Ninang Irene" already.
And aside from Xandra and Luis' friends, the last to arrive is Alfie and Joy.
'Mommy!'
"Kuya.. bakit ang late nyo? Kanina pa sila dito."
'Hi Mommy. Sorry, emergency kasi sa bahay. We have to leave Mom and Jess behind nga ehh.'
"Are they okay? I mean.."
'Yeah, don't worry. Matters of the heart lang. But Dad's with us naman. Ayan sa likod, kasama si Andy.'
"Come inside na and eat. Andy?"
'Babbaaaaa!!!!'
"Pa kiss naman sa baby ko."
I'm showering Andy with kisses all over his face sending him into fits of laughter.
'Hi Irene.'
"Oh, Jake, hi. Sorry. I got caught in the moment with Andy. Pasok ka na. I'm sorry about Leni and Jess ha. Is Jess okay?"
Jake is Joy's father. He used to play golf and he is into cars. That's what broke the ice between him and Greggy as I remember the first time our families met.
'Yeah. Just.. you know. Heartbreak.'
"Ohhh." I never really knew heartbreak. Greggy was my first boyfriend. I never have to learn how to move on.
'Si Greggy?'
"Ayy naku. Emergency rin. Pero pabalik na yun. Sa office lang naman. Maybe ten? Fifteen minutes, nandito na ulit yun. Come inside and eat na."
When we get to the part of the house where we set up the table for our guests, I have to stop and to let the moment soak in for a while.
It is on a very rare occasion that I would get to see my family and Greggy's family getting along so well. Pat is even seated in between Bonget and Mommy.
'Irene? You okay?'
"Yeah.. just-"
My tears started falling and in no time, Jake take me in between his arms, stroking my back for comfort.
'Shhh. Okay lang yan. Ganyan talaga ang pamilya.'
"I know. It's just.. parang..-"
'Alfie is right. Iyakin nga yung nanay nya.'
"Loko yang bata na yan ahh."
We are in the middle of sharing giggles when a visibly upset Greggy walks in.
'Jake.'
'Oh, Greggy. Nako balae, iyakin pala si Irene.'
'Yeah. Si Leni?'
'May emergency sila ni Jess ehh. Kami lang nila Joy.'
Greggy is looking at how Jake still has his hand behind my back.
'Pwede ko na ba makuha yung asawa ko?'
'Ohh. Sorry, sorry. Yeah, of course. I'll just make my way to Andy. Irene..'
"Sure. Thank you."
When Jake is nowhere out of our sight, Greggy pulls me into a corner, seething.
'What do you think you're doing?'
"Greggy.. I don't understand. Why are you so mad?"
'Why? I just walked in on my wife inside my own house, na hawak ng ibang lalaki! Why am I so mad?'
"Daddy.. ano ka ba? Jake is Joy's father! Are you not hearing yourself?"
'Yeah. Tatay ni Joy at asawa ni Leni. Bakit ikaw yung kayakap?'
"Oh my God, Greggy! He was just being a gentleman. Wala naman masama dun ahh. Seloso ka lang talaga."
'Will he be doing the same thing had he came here with Leni?'
"Maybe, I don't know. Len's not here and-"
'Ohhh. That's why you decided to play the wife? Kase wala rin naman ako, diba? Kayo na lang? Kayo na lang yung mag asawa?'
I took several steps away from him. Today is supposed to be a day of celebration and happiness. I will not ruin it for anyone. I have known of Greggy's jealousy tendencies but I just cannot understand how it has to go this low.
"Can we at least pretend that we're okay for the time being? Just pretend, para sa mga bata."
Just how? How can he think so little of someone who chose to spend forever with him thirty four years ago?
***
I am staying away from Greggy as much as I can because I'm still mad at him. How can he be so jealous about me being close to the father of his own daughter in law?
Even with that little confrontation of ours, the party went on with everyone else enjoying the rest of the afternoon. The kids are having a great time, though I cannot say the same thing for Greggy.
He still seems upset but thankfully, he is civil enough to not let it show. But geez! He is eyeing me like a hawk, it is starting to get uneasy on my end. To disperse the tension brewing between us, I volunteered to help Thiago open his gifts. I have forgotten for a while the annoyance I have towards Greggy seeing how happy and excited Thiago is.
"Babbaa is going to open this, baby ha?"
I'm all smiles as I unwrapped the first gift for him. I guess I am more excited than anyone else. I'm taking my time taking off its wrapper when I got momentarily blind from the flash coming from the camera.
It's Jake. Shit.
***
I don't know exactly where is Greggy but I am sure that he won't be going far away from where I am. And I am also certain that he saw it when Jake took a picture of me.
"Jake.. that was.."
'Ohh, for Leni and Jess. I just wanted to show them how exited Thiago ohh. Pero parang mas exited yung lola.'
I laugh awkwardly. Shit. If I engage him in a conversation, Greggy will be furious. If I dismiss him, I will look rude and impolite. What the hell!
"Naku. Alam ni Leni yan, I'm sure ganito rin siya kay Andy."
'Irene..'
Oh here comes the grumpy old bear!
"Yes?"
'Do you have a minute? May itatanong lang ako.'
"Sure. Jake, wait lang ha. Xands? Takeover muna for me, thank you."
He's not saying anything. And neither do I! Bakit ko siya kakausapin? Aawayin nya lang naman ako. He open the door to our room, and as the gentleman that he is, he let me go in first.
"So?"
'So, what?'
"Bakit ang sungit mo? You called me, diba? Why?"
'Stay here. Lumabas ka na lang mamaya.'
"What? Are you serious? Greggy.. I-"
'I am so damn serious, Irene! Anong ginagawa mo, ha? Uupo ka sa harap nila, ganyan suot mo? Kulang na lang mag hubad ka! He keeps on looking at you, wala kang ginagawa. I am telling you na I am not comfortable with him being so close to you, okay lang sayo? Wala lang? Do my opinions and feelings even matter?'
"Daddy.. of course naman. Nakaka inis ka lang kasi ehh. Wala naman akong ginagawa. Greggy.."
'Just stay here. At least until after Jake is gone. Sasamahan kita.'
"Hell no! What are you doing? Napaka unreasonable mo naman ehh! You cannot just caged me like an animal, Greggy! No way!"
Am I in the wrong here? Am I being close minded for not understanding what he wants? I did not wait for his answer. I open the door and leave him inside. It'll be up to him if he wants to join us again. If not, he can always suit himself.
***
When the party's over and all of our guests have left, I went back to our room to check on Greggy. Haay, nagalit na nga talaga. He didn't even go back to say goodbye, even to the kids!
I am carrying a tray of his favorite walnut cookies and hot milk, my way of saying sorry. After having some time to think about what happened, I realized that I may have placed him in an uncomfortable situation. I hope we settle this dispute between us tonight because there hasn't been any night in our thirty fours that we've slept mad with each other.
"Love? Love.. daddy.."
'Hmmm?'
"Wake up. Kumain ka ba kanina?"
'Bakit hindi mo alam?'
"I didn't saw you ehh, sorry."
'You were not paying attention to me, that's why.'
"Greggy.. ayoko ng away. Please? Gusto mo kumain muna? Cookies at milk lang yung dinala ko."
'Ayaw. I'm good. Matulog ka na.'
"Galit ka?"
'Hindi.'
I wanted to cry so bad! There are times when we'd get mad at each other, but never before we go to sleep. I changed my clothes and I fixed myself already, still.. nothing.
His eyes are still closed while he is minding his own world on the other side of the bed. I lay beside him hoping for him to hug me back as I put my arms around his waist.
"Daddy?"
'Hmm?'
"Good night."
'Nyt.'
"I love you, Greggy."
'Yeah.'
YEAH??? FUCKING YEAH???
Just make sure na you can stand on your ground with your freaking attitude!
"Yeah" pala ha! Let's see, Gregorio.
I move to the other side of the bed placing pillows in between us. You will regret making me cry tonight.
***
November 17, 2017; Friday- Five days before Michael and Cara's Makati Wedding
It's been close to three weeks since that fight between Greggy and I. And I have to admit, that it might be me who's acting childish and immature this time. He extended efforts, numerous efforts to make me feel how sorry he is, but I keep shutting him down even if I miss him terribly.
I am not accustomed to the life without Greggy but damn! This pride of mine is just so annoying! It wouldn't let me go.
Just last night, he gave me another bouquet of flowers. I wanted to hug him, to touch and to hold him but instead of doing those, I turned him down- again. And today, he skipped going to his office to cook his signature paella for me to bring to the wedding rehearsal.
'Daddy.. don't forget ha? Yung food. Share some of it sa kanila but eat as much as you like. And please, uwi ka ng maaga? Dinner sana tayo.'
"Okay, thank you."
'Be careful. I love you.'
I love you most. Shit. This is killing me!
"Greggy?"
'Yes, baby?'
"Wednesday next week yung wedding nila Michael sa St. Alphonsus. Will you be available?"
His eyes lit up immediately! He takes several steps closer to me but I don't mind. I needed to fill up this void inside me of "everything Greggy".
'Sabi mo.. you'd rather not have me around. Pwede na ba ako mag punta?'
"Wala akong kasama."
I know it's barely a whisper but Greggy heard it.
'I'll be there, Baby. I'll be there.'
"Okay. I have to go."
Before I reached the foyer, he stopped me. It's been so long since we look into each other's eyes the way we are right now.
'I'm sorry again, baby. I love you.'
"Love you too."
Our lips are almost touching, just almost! But if I am to give in now, I might not be able to make it to the rehearsal.
Maybe later, daddy.
***
November 22, 2017- The Makati Wedding
Greggy and I are back to being okay after my cold and silent treatment towards him the past few weeks. And I am looking forward for today because it was almost three years ago since we've had a wedding to celebrate within the family.
The mass is before noon and the reception will follow afterwards. Then we will be heading to Ilocos tomorrow for their "padaya". Padaya is the Ilocano tradition of having a lavish wedding feast for the renewal of family ties and loyalties.
'Baby? Irene?'
"Here, daddy!"
Am I that small for Greggy not to notice me?
'Ohh.. you're here. Hi.'
"Hi your face. Am I that small? Bakit hindi mo ako makita?"
'Ahh.. you're.. cute size?'
"Greggy!!!!"
Oh God! To be in his arms again.
'Cute ka naman talaga ahh.'
"Bakit hindi ka pa nag aayos? Ang lapit lang natin, nakaka hiya na ma late tayo."
'Nooooo, don't move. Not yet. Payapos pa. I missed you so much, Baby.'
"Seloso mo kasi ehh. Start fixing yourself na."
'Baby? Saglit lang ako sa office. Alfie needs my help.'
"What? Greggy, no! Baka ma late ka."
'I'll be there, don't worry.'
"Greggy.."
'Mabilis lang, I promise. Now, go and get ready. Baka ma late ka.'
I let go of him reluctantly. I have a bad feeling about this. I will really be mad as hell if he will not be able to make it.
***
Cara chose St. Alphonsus and I just have to agree with how beautiful it looks.
They designed it minimally in line with Michael and Cara's personality.
Sensing my anxiety, Manang pull me to the side to ask what's going on.
'Irene yang mukha mo, para kang hindi mapa anak na manok dyan. What is wrong with you?'
"Manang si Greggy.. wala pa ehh."
'And so? Dadating yun, ano ka ba! Ang mahalaga, nandito ang bride at groom.'
"What if hindi siya umabot?"
'Irene... may Ilocos pa. Stop acting like a lovesick teenager. Get it together. I don't care if you need to fake it, but pull yourself together! You owe it to Michael and Cara. Lagot ka talaga sa inaanak mo kapag puro simangot nasa pictures mo. Now smile and forget about Greggy for a while.'
My sister is not one to mince her words. And she's right. Today is about Michael and Cara.
Though it is disappointing to not have Greggy here beside me.
***
The reception party pushed through and trust me, I did try my best to enjoy. And I did, I guess. I was smiling and laughing but at the back of my head, I'm still thinking about how come Greggy never called me.
Before I go crazy, I excused myself to give him yet another phone call. The fact that it is ringing, just ringing.. is irritating me... until I heard the voice of a woman I am not familiar with.
'Hello? Hello? He-'
"Who are you?"
'Ahh.. Kasi po-'
"Who the hell are you? Bakit nasayo yung phone ng asawa ko?"
'Nako Ate! Napulot ko po kasi.'
"Where are you? Can I get it from you?"
'Sige po. Dadalhin ko po sana sa lost and found pero-'
"Where are you? I don't have much time."
'Paseo de Roxas po. Citibank Tower.'
"Stay on the main entrance. Thank you."
'Sungit!'
I heard her. And I know. I know I acted offensively towards her, and I am sorry. I'm just so pissed off right now! Not only that he didn't make it, he has to lose his phone as well!
***
Our bags are already packed for tomorrow's trip to Ilocos, but Greggy can go the hell alone! I take what's mine, leaving everything that is for him. Crazy immature, I know!!!! But I'm done! Uuwi ako sa Mommy ko sa San Juan!
Yaya Inday and Arthur are looking at me like I just lost my mind. Well? I may have. Magsama sila ng boss nila!
'IMA kase! Nawala naman pala yung telepono, bakit ka kasi lalayas?'
"Ya.. hayaan nyo kasi ako."
'Ay tingnan mo to. Pag uwi ng asawa mo, wala ka. Away na naman kayo. Balita na nga na nag hiwalay kayo, gagawin mo pa na totoo.'
"Balita? Nag hiwalay kami?"
'Ayyy oo! Ilang balik ko na ba sa grocery na ayan ang tinatanong ng mga kilala ko. Irene naman, kausapin mo kasi. Lagot kami dun kapag nalaman na umuwi ka sa Mommy mo eh.'
"Let it be. Ibalita nila hanggang gusto nila. Uuwi ako sa Mommy ko."
'Iwan mo na yang mga gamit mo. Uuwi ka rin naman dito mamaya.'
NO. I'll stay with Mommy.
Bahala sa buhay nya si Greggy!
***
I can hear voices close to where I am. It didn't register to me that I fell asleep inside Mommy's room. Only when I heard her talk about it.
'Pag nagising iuwi mo na. Matigas talaga ulo ng bata na yan. Pasensiya ka na, Greggy ha?'
WHAT???? Why is she saying sorry kay Greggy?
"Mommy! Bakit ka nag so sorry dyan?"
'Irene!'
"Mommy kasi-"
'Umuwi ka na. Sumama ka sa asawa mo.'
"Mommy.."
'Anak, wala naman ginawa na masama ang asawa mo. Nawala ang cellphone, anak mo naman ang kasama. Anak mo naman ang nag emergency. Irene.. tama na ang tampo ha? Uwi ka na. Sige na Greggy, uwi na kayo, gabi na.'
"Mommy naman ehh.."
'Ano sabi namin sayo ng Daddy mo? Welcome ka na bumalik sa bahay kung ayaw na sayo ni Greggy. Ayaw mo na ba kay Irene, Greggy?'
That's the only time that I truly paid attention to Greggy. His hair is in disheveled condition and judging by the looks on his face, it seems that he hasn't eaten nor taken any rest.
'Never, Ma. Never akong aayaw kay Irene.'
"Galit ako sayo!"
'I know. I'm sorry, Baby. Hindi ko maiwan si Alfie. Nahulog yung phone ko sa lobby. I.. No excuses, just know that I am sorry.'
"I don't want to go to Ilocos with you tomorrow!"
'Then we will take the flight on the 24th.'
'Irene, that's too much ha. Balitang balita na yang away nyo no Greggy. Sabi nga naghiwalay kayo. Anak ang pikon mo lang naman. Forgive your husband na. Kawawa naman na yan, hindi pa kumakain. Sige na, umuwi na kayo. And be there. Lagot ka sa Ate mo.'
I kiss Mommy goodnight before I make my way out of the house. I came here because I thought she'd be on my side. Nakaka inis! Pati siya, kay Greggy kumampi!
'Baby.. Sorry na.'
"Just stay away from me during the wedding."
And he did.
***
I know that when you look at me
There's so much that you just don't see
But if you would only take the time
I know in my heart you'd find
A girl who's scared sometimes
Who isn't always strong
Can't you see the hurt in me?
I feel so all alone
***
True to his words, we skipped our initial flight on the 23rd. We flew the next day, something that I regret right away! There's a much bigger influx of guests flying in and Manang went on live broadcast to update people about the whereabouts of the wedding.
'Baby? Yung bag mo?'
"May kamay naman ako, Greggy. Go ahead, I'll follow."
Greggy has been so patient with my tantrums lately. Kahit ako naiinis na sa sarili ko. But I can't help it. I'm still mad at him. He's not pushing for anything. He keeps on doing whatever I asked him to do. Kahit alam ko na ayaw nya.
When we deplane, he's walking a few steps ahead of me. But a certain guest came up to talk to me about something. I don't want to sound rude so I allow myself to talk to him for a minute or so. But damn! Greggy walks so fast that he's now waiting for me at the entrance of the airport with Manang.
He's all smiles again when he saw me. Gwapo ng asawa ko talaga. But hold your head high, Irene. Carry on. Galit ka pa rin, remember? I know he meant well, but when his hand touched my back, I felt waves of guilt all over me.
So I walk away from him.
***
November 25, 2017- Thanksgiving Mass
"Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone always in control
But at night I come home and turn the key
There's nobody there, no one cares for me
What's the sense of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share it with
Tell me what does it mean?"
***
It's like the whole of Paoay was transported to a different era! The last time I saw our family prepare for a celebration this big was during my wedding with Greggy, who, by the way.. is keeping his distance from me like I said the last time.
I made sure to sit on the outermost side during the mass, giving us some distance. We were seated in between Borgy and Matthew. I even went to the other side of the church during that part when we were to offer peace with each other.
I know that he somehow waited and maybe expected that we might use that time to make up, but I am stubborn as a mule! I went back to my seat when I knew that that particular part is over.
But shit! There's this screen on both sides of the altar for the people at the back to have a better view of Mike and Cara. They focused on Greggy for a while, and I cannot help it but to take a look at him myself.
He saw me. I know he did because he smiled. I hate to admit that it's me who's the problem here.
We're sharing the same table right now, as expected, but again.. he's keeping his distance. Will it be too much if I tell him to come closer to me?
My mind is still wandering around when they announced that the parents of the newlyweds are going to make their speeches now. Manang is last on the list. Ang arte talaga nito! That is something I anticipate will happen, what I am not ready for, is the impact of what she has to say, to me.
'Many years ago my father was... gravely disappointed and saddened by the loss to the Supreme Court in his right to travel back home. That is the Supreme Court case Marcos vs. Manglapus. Tonight we have reversed that miserable ruling, Cara joining our family, love wins.'
LOVE WINS.
If Michael and Cara can withstand and triumph over decades of pain and suffering from our opposing families, why can't I let Greggy's love for me, win? I'm being selfish and that is something I should not be proud of.
'I love you.' I turn to look at Greggy, who is already looking at me. I let him take my hand because it is missing his already.
'Love wins, daddy. Always.'
***
"I need you here
I need you here to wipe away my tears
To kiss away my fears
If you only knew how much
I wanna run to you
Won't you hold me in your arms
And keep me safe from harm
I want to run to you
But if I come to you
Tell me, will you stay, or will you, run away"
***
November 27, 2017- Two days after the Ilocos thanksgiving
I keep pacing back and forth to try to figure out how am I going to make it up to Greggy.
I cooked his favorite meal and I'm just waiting for him to come home. But after what I've put him through, this can't just be it. I need to do more.
I decided to wait for him outside.
Right! That way, it will make me look so eager for him to come home.
But I haven't taken any step forward yet, when I think I saw a figure passed by the stairs. It's an open secret how spirits and other entities I would rather not name... are freely moving around our house. I get used to them over time, but it's been so long since I've had an actual encounter myself.
"Jackie?"
"Yaya?"
"Helloooo? May tao?"
My breathing is getting worse so I decided to call the only person I know I needed most this time.
'Hello?'
"Daddy? Daddy uwi ka na. Daddy..."
'Babe, why are you- crying? Umiiyak ka ba? Irene?'
"Uwi ka na. Greggy.. I think I saw mumu."
'You saw what?'
"May multo nga kasi, Greggy ehh! Uwi ka na!!"
'Ohh. Two minutes. Where are you? Don't put the phone down. We're coming in. Let me hear you, malapit na ako.'
"Stairs. Sa taas. Be quick!"
I run towards Greggy, shocking him a little.
'Shhh. Shhh. It's okay. I'm here na. Don't be afraid. Nasan ba yang multo na yan?'
"Daddy.. don't leave me. Sama ako sayo."
'I have to thank that multo. Ginawa ko na lahat, kailangan lang pala magpa kita sayo para magbati na tayo.'
"Greggy I'm serious!"
'I believe you. I love you.'
"I love you. I'm sorry, daddy. I'm so sorry. Inaaway kita palagi."
'It's okay. Wala ka ng toyo?'
"Wala na."
When Greggy kissed my lips, I turned what was supposed to be light to something deep and possessive and wanting.
"I miss you. I love you, Baby."
"I love you. I always am so in love with you. Welcome home, Daddy."
We're just a month short to ending this year, but I'll forever look back with a grateful heart to how much patience and love and understanding Greggy has given me during the past two months of 2017.