"Hey.....ya'll....lady...people..." The red-headed Subway server gave them all a slow wave from behind the sneeze guard. His gaze lingered on Inez as he recognized her. "Store-lady!"
"Slow day?" Claire glanced around the empty restaurant.
"Slow..." the server repeated with a strangely wide smile.
The ginger teenager looked familiar to Tamra.
"Where'd you go to middle school? Was it Randolph?" Tamra asked him curiously.
The boy looked bemused. "Middle school? No, I'm in high..." He snickered. "I'm high!" He thumped his chest.
Inez muttered from behind her hand, "He's always high. I don't know how he got this job."
"Maybe you hired him," Claire shot back.
Inez frowned. "You know how I feel about drugs, Claire."
Claire heaved her huge purse up on the bar as she sang in a mocking tone, "'Not at work or school, please.' Killjoy. Do they have cookies - oh wait, my phone..."
As Claire's phone rang, the teenager jumped forward and karate-chopped the air.
Claire eyed the Subway server as she answered, "Hello, Vikram? I've found you a potential customer....What was that?"
Tamra examined the server's dilated pupils. "Just a club salad for me, please."
When the boy gave her a confused smile, Tamra snaked her arm around the counter to grab a ready-made salad
The boy reached out as well and placed his hand over hers. "Dude."
Tamra was hesitant. "Uh...Thank you for your service?"
The red-head saluted, releasing Tamra's hand and her salad.
"I'll have ham and Swiss on rye bread like usual," Inez enunciated carefully, pointing at each sandwich ingredient as she named it.
"Ham...and Swiss?" With an ungloved hand, the boy held up a slice of white provolone.
"Sure," Inez sighed.
Suddenly, Claire shrieked, making them all jump. "Vikram! I can't believe you!"
The Subway server tried to hide behind his circular piece of provolone cheese.
"I told you to watch him with that coat and it's stupid buttons!" Claire shouted into her phone.
"Why's she mad? I'm not doing anything!" The server whispered at Inez.
"We know," Tamra was emphatic.
Claire groaned, "Vikram! Which nostril?"
"She's not mad at you," Inez reassured the Subway server.
He looked uncertain.
"Maybe she's just hangry. Why don't you make her a sandwich?" Tamra reached around the sneeze guard to hand the boy a roll of rye bread.
The server accepted the bread from Tamra nervously. "You think?"
"That's it. Now spread some of that yellow stuff on it," Inez encouraged, gesturing at the butter.
The Subway server dropped the bread on the floor.
"Oh, I'll do it. They should replace you with one of those self-service machines" Tamra rounded the counter and started to assemble Inez's sandwich.
The Subway server immediately burst into tears. "They're replacing me? But I need this job! Oh, what'll I do!"
Claire blew a raspberry. "Well, you have to get the button back, Vikram."
"My girlfriend'll LEAVE me!" The boy sobbed.
"Surprised you have one," Tamra found the Swiss cheese.
"There, there! No one's replacing you," Inez fluttered her hands at the sobbing server.
"I'm literally replacing him," Tamra grumbled.
The server blew his nose on his slice of Provolone. He looked Tamra over. "You're pretty old for this job, though, aren't ya?"
"You're fired," Tamra told him.
"Vikram! You have to lie him on his side and hold him down. Then you shoot the water straight into the opposite nostril..." Claire demonstrated, almost shoving a ketchup pack into Inez's left nostril.
"Claire!" Inez cried.
"You can't fire me! Can she?" The server asked Inez.
Inez was too busy battling Claire to answer.
"Then the button'll pop out the other side like so!" Claire mimed the ketchup shooting out of Inez's other nostril.
The server's jaw dropped. "Mind. Blown."
"Get Grace to sit on him while you do it or he won't keep still....What? No, I don't think that's how you waterboard a prisoner, what's your point?" Claire growled.
"I can't believe you two," Inez finally managed.
Claire tossed the ketchup packet behind the sandwich bar. "You can't believe me and Vikram or me and Tamra - Hey! Tamra! What about me? Where's my sandwich?"
"If you give me your slice of Provolone right now, you're not fired," Tamra told the server.
The boy gratefully handed Tamra his snotty slice of cheese. "Gee, thanks."
Tamra slapped the cheese onto an unbuttered bun. "There, Claire. You're welcome."
Claire made a face. "Fine, Tamra, fine. Be that way. Just cookies for me. Raison cookies." Claire instructed the server.
Tamra snorted. "Raisons don't belong in cookies."
"My kids hate raisons. This way, I know they won't eat my cookies," Claire explained.
"Your kids are in another state, Claire," Inez reminded her.
"That's what they want me to think," Claire said darkly. "What, Vikram? You still there? You got the button? Why's he still screaming then? There was never any blood when I did it!"
"I guess Ben got something stuck in his nose again," Inez explained, filling a paper bag with raison cookies for Claire.
"I gathered," Tamra dumped the snot sandwich in the trash.
"I got a pickle stuck in my nose last week," the server shared.
Inez and Tamra exchanged glances.
"Tell me, do the salads arrive here pre-packaged?" Tamra asked.
Claire shouted, "I'm not blaming you, Vikram! You're taking responsibility and I'm validating! Where's your sister anyways? She's the doctor - why didn't she do it?"
"Let's go sit down. This may take a while," Inez said to Tamra.
The server followed them to a booth.
Inez and Tamra sat opposite each other.
The server sat down beside Inez.
"You've got great boobs," he told Inez conversationally.
"Thank you. Would you please leave us alone now?" Inez delicately removed the server's hand from her knee.
The server looked skeptical.
"Look, it's the police with one of those drug-sniffing dogs," Claire called.
Immediately the server jumped up and ran for the back of the restaurant. "I gotta use the can!"
"Works on Vikram every time," Claire said fondly.
"Yay! Food!" Tamra popped open her plastic salad bowl and immediately deflated as she surveyed the tired tomatoes on a bed of iceberg lettuce.
"A sandwich wouldn't kill you," Inez read Tamra's expression.
"No...no. This is fine. It's fine," Tamra rolled her shoulders back. A sandwich may not kill me but the inflammation might. Endometriosis sucks.
"If you say so," Inez agreed.
Claire dropped her phone and the table and crammed her huge purse onto the bench beside Inez. "Vikram lost the damn button. Now Benny's coat is down to just three buttons. Why's the skinny bitch eating rabbit food?"
"How many cookies are you gonna have for lunch?" Tamra nodded at Claire's sizable midsection.
"Let's play a game while we eat," Inez broke in.
"Can't we just play on our phones like normal people?" Tamra protested.
"Let's play 'fuck, marry, kill'!" Claire agreed at the same time.
Inez laughed. "We haven't played that in years!"
Tamra speared a baby tomato. "Can't imagine why..."
"Oh, shush, Tamra. Who'll we use?" Inez asked.
"I know! How about the people from the store, Inez? Like your boss, tired mommy, and Andersen?" Tamra grinned at her housemate.
"Oh, definitely kill Andersen," Claire started.
Inez interrupted, shooting Tamra a warning look. "No. Let's use the old standby - Disney princes."
"Real world or animated versions?" Tamra asked, chewing on her lettuce.
"Ugh, animated," Inez said.
"Neither of us has ever seen the remakes. Disloyal," Claire explained.
"I'll go see The Little Mermaid. I think it's socially important," Inez was thoughtful.
"I guess I'll send Vikram and the kids. It'll give me a few hours of alone time," Claire was equally thoughtful.
Tamra rolled her eyes. "Who goes first?"
Claire raised her hand. "Marry...Hercules. Kill Aladdin..."
Tamra pointed her fork at Claire. "Interesting. Explain."
Through a mouthful of raisons, Claire said, "Jasmine doesn't need Aladdin. He has no experience - he's window dressing. Let him produce an heir and —" Claire made a chopping motion with her palm.
Tamra raised her eyebrows.
"And I'd fuck that guy from Mulan," Claire finished, both her cookie and her turn.
"Yes! That scene where he takes his shirt off!" Inez nodded appreciatively.
"This feels dirty," Tamra said.
"Why are you always saying that? Is that my phone again?" Claire asked, exasperated.
"No, it's mine. Excuse me," Tamra took her phone and retreated to the front entrance.
Claire and Inez watched her go.
"Do you think she's sexually repressed?" Claire asked Inez.
"Oh, Claire, don't be silly," Inez said, but unconvincingly.
"Maybe it's in reaction to her big sister getting pregnant at sixteen. The Madonna-whore complex, you know?" Claire wondered.
"That's unfair. It was one of your brothers who impregnated her sister, and none of them are sexually repressed," Inez pointed out.
"But they are sexually depressed!" Claire laughed at her own joke.
Tamra kept her voice low to avoid being overheard. "Hello, Mom? Everything all right?"
"Guess who's at my house right now?" Tamra's mother was very excited.
"Who?" Tamra asked, but she already knew.
"Shaniqua! She came down from Richmond to visit her mom, and she dropped by for lunch with me! I thought she and you and me and Darius could all have dinner tonight! What'd you say?"
"I say you're not gonna convince Darius to got to university if you sic Shaniqua on him," Tamra sighed.
Her mother gave up any pretense. "You never know!"
Tamra decided to avoid an argument. "Anyways, I can't. I have a date!"
Her mother gave a squeal of joy. "Really! With who? Someone from church? Do I know him? Of course I know him. Who is he? Who's his mama?"
Tamra shook her head. "You don't know him. He's from out of town. It was set up by..." Tamra knew her mother didn't go for dating applications... "By a friend, and that's all I'm gonna share right now."
"Well, at least wear something other than trousers," her mother was plaintive.
"I love you, Mom. I'll call you as soon as Darius gets in," Tamra said.
"We've got to go," Inez was right behind her with Claire.
"Who was that?" Claire asked.
"Andersen called - he's got a crisis," Inez pointed at the consignment store.