My heart is raising. I'm standing right outside the stadium they are having their concert trying to gather my thoughts and self together. The concert is still some hours away, but Victoria invited me to come earlier so I can actually spend some time with them. So, here I am. I struggled a lot making a decision whether I should come or not. It felt weird and I kept thinking that Damiano wouldn't want me here, but Victoria shouldn't have invited me if he wasn't okay with this. Right?
I take a few deep breaths and then start walking towards the entrance. I texted Victoria that I was here, and she told me that she'd sent someone to meet me at the gate. I walk there steady and slowly. I stop just right outside looking around, scanning, wondering what I should do. A young man approaches me and asks me If I'm Leda in Italian then he gives me a pass card and asks me to follow him. We walk for quite some time before we arrive at a hallway full of doors. The scene around is crazy. People are running everywhere carrying stuff around. The young man stops in front of a door and nods me the way. I thank him and then he disappears. I stay outside the door for some seconds. There's something stopping me from going inside. I haven't seen them in a year, and it feels kind of weird. I'm still surprised that they even invited me to their concerts. It feels so special, and I feel like I don't belong here. And apart from that I'm not sure If I'm ready to face Damiano yet. The thought that there's only this door separating us makes my heart beating like crazy and I just want to run away. Again.
I take a deep breathe and just when I'm about to knock on the door, it opens. Ethan appears but stops for a second, since he was not expecting to see me right outside the door but then he immediately smiles at me.
"Leda! Hi!" He greats me.
I can hear Victoria yelling my name from inside the room. She rushes to the door and greats me by hugging me. "It's so good to see you."
"You too." I say hugging her back. "Thank you so much for inviting. It feels too special."
"Of course." She smiles and back away. "Come in."
Ethan excuses himself and walks away to where he was headed before I came. I sight slightly preparing myself and walk inside hesitantly. The room is empty except Thomas who has sunk on a couch.
"Hey!" He shouts when he sees me.
I find myself feeling relieved that Damiano is not here. It gives me valuable and very needed minutes to prepare myself.
Victoria sits on the couch next to Thomas and slighty hit the chair next to her inviting me to sit. I take the sit looking around the room. I'm guessing that it's the waiting room. There's no clothes around and it's very neat. In the corner there's a small buffet with snacks and drinks.
"It's so good to see you guys. And this..." I say pointing around. "...is so awesome. I'm very happy for you."
"Thanks." Thomas says almost mumbling.
"How are you?" Victoria asks me smiling.
"Good." I smile back. "I'm trying to adjust to living in a new country but it's exciting. How have you been?"
"Well." Victoria chuckles. "Tired but it all worth it."
"I haven't had a decent sleep for weeks." Thomas adds.
"I can imagine." I pause for a minute. "I must be honest, it's really weird seeing you in your element. It feels surreal."
"Believe me, it feels surreal for us to. Everything is happening so fast."
Ethan opens the door and looks inside then he speaks to Thomas in Italian. Thomas nods and gets up.
Victoria turns to me. "They need them to find him clothes."
"I got that. I'm learning Italian."
"Really? That's so cool."
"I kind of had to." I pause. "Not to be mean but English is not a big thing in Italy and If I want to stay here it's kind of necessary. Plus, I wanted to."
"I see." She smiles. "Well. Good for you."
"Yeah, so don't talk bad for me, in front of me, in Italian because I will understand you." I say joking.
"We would never." Victoria says and smiles.
"Well, I wouldn't blame you if you did." I say and my smile immediately fades thinking that they probably know everything that happened between me and Damiano.
Victoria is looking at me without saying anything, but I know that she knows what I'm talking about. Eventually she speaks. "That is between you two and it doesn't concern me."
I gave her a half smile, but my concern is obvious. I keep thinking how he is going to react when he sees me. It's been months since then, so maybe he doesn't care at all? I'm scare to meet him but I know it's going to happen eventually.
"He knows I'm here, right?"
My question takes Victoria by surprise. "Of course he does."
We stay quite for some time, and I look around. I can't help but wonder where Damiano is but there's no way I'm going to ask that.
"What's funny is that yesterday, a friend of mine invited me to go with her to your concert and I told her no. Yet, today, not only I'm here but I'm actually in the backstage."
Victoria looks at me in question. "Why did you say no?"
"I don't know." I shrug my shoulders. "It felt kind of weird. I mean I know you guys. It would be weird coming to your concert incognito. Plus it's sold out."
"You could have texted."
I shrug my shoulders knowing that if this conversation keeps going it will end to Damiano and I don't want that.
Victoria smiles politely. "Anyway, you're here now, so..."
"Right." I slightly smile back.
Victoria stands up. "I'll have to go for a while, but I'll be back very soon."
"Of course. Don't worry about me. I don't want to be a burden."
"You are not. I'll be back." Victoria says and walks out of the room leaving me alone.
I look around the room. I could really use a cigarette right now but I'm not sure I'm going to find my way back if I go or my way out. Plus, I've been trying to quit. I'm kind of trapped here at least for until Victoria gets back. I lay back trying to get comfortable and fight back my awkwardness. I get my phone out of my bag and get ready to text Marsia who is really happy for how things turned out even thought I'd been freaking out about it. I start to write her a text when I hear the door open.
"Ethan, you-"
I look up and I see Damiano standing by the door looking at me. Damiano freezes the moment he sees me in the room. His expression is blank and it's impossible for me to understand what's going on through his mind right now. My heart is beating like crazy and I feel like I'm going to be sick. I'm unsure if I can handle it but I must.
"Damiano." I say and stand up.
"Hi." He walks in and closes the door behind him. He stays silent looking around the room awkwardly. It's obvious that he doesn't know how to react and neither do I.
"Ethan is not here." I say hesitantly.
"Yeah. I can see that."
"Is it weird that I'm here?" I ask not sure if I'm ready to hear the answer. "Should I hadn't come?"
Damiano is looking at me surprised by my forwardness. He shrugs his shoulders and looks at me. "You're here now so it doesn't matter."
"I see." I say looking down trying to hide my disappointment. It's obvious that he's not thrilled that I'm here. I knew that I shouldn't have come but I wanted to, so bad. I wanted to see him and talk to him. Tell him how sorry I am and what a big mistake I had done but I can't do that.
"So, I hear you moved here, huh?"
I can sense the irritation in his voice but I'm not sure why. Is it because I moved to Italy or because I did and never came in touch with him?
"Yes, I did. About a month ago."
"Cool."
"Yeah." I look down and desperately trying to find something to say. The silence between us is really awkward and I kind of wish I could disappear right now. "So, how have you been?"
Damiano sights. "Good. Tired but good."
I smile at him. I feel really weird. Like I don't even know the person that standing in front of me and it's neither his new haircut nor anything he's said. I just got so used to seeing him on articles and posts on internet that for a moment I felt like everything that happened between us was in my head.
"What about you? Are you enjoying Italy?"
The bitterness in his words is obvious and he couldn't hide it even if he wanted to. Although I don't think he's trying to.
I exhale out loud and then I turn to look at him. "I shouldn't have come. You obviously don't want me here."
Damiano shrugs trying to show indifference, but he can't fool me. I know he's mad at me and I can't help but wonder why. And I don't mean that he doesn't have a reason to be. I mean that there are so many reasons for him to be mad at me that I don't know which one is it.
I look at him trying to hide my disappointment. I'm not disappointed by him and, to be honest, I was expecting this. It's part of the reason why I didn't get in touch with him when I came in Italy. But, there was a part of me that really hoped that it wouldn't be like that.
"It would be really rude to Victoria to leave now but after your show I'll get my butt out of here and far away. As a matter of fact, I'll get my butt out of here right now, I'll go for a smoke and leave you alone to get ready for your show." I walk to the door but just before I open it, I stop and turn around to look at him. "Why did you let Victoria invite me though?"
Damiano looks at me confused and shrugs. "Because I don't have a problem that you're here. I don't care actually."
His words pierced my heart. I mean I always knew and assumed but hearing him saying that he doesn't care was a lot to take for me at the moment. I can't blame him though.
"Noted." I nod at him letting him know that I understand his behavior. Then, I open the door and walk away from that room quickly, closing once again the door to him.