I was late to school the next day. I'd waken up at my normal time but remained on my back in bed thinking about my life. Mainly my thoughts revolved around Darius. I didn't even want to go to school after our argument yesterday about Jay. Darius hadn't responded to the few texts I'd sent him. He must have been really mad or Jay could have just scared him so bad he no longer wanted anything to do with me. Either way he hadn't talked to me and I felt like crap.
When I walked into first period I instantly glanced over at Darius but he was avoiding eye contact with me. I felt my throat close up as I attempted to hold back my tears. Mr. Lee had assigned a lab for today and because I was late my partner Ericka was working with two other people in the class already. I looked around the room as everyone worked on the lab assignment and Mr. Lee walked around monitoring. When he got to my desk he raised an eyebrow.
"What's going on?" he asked. "You should be working on the lab."
"I don't know what we're doing," I said quietly. I could feel a few of my classmates looking over at me, judging me like they'd been doing the past month.
"Why didn't you ask?" Mr. Lee gave an impatient sigh and shook his head when I shrugged. "You can just go ahead and work with Ericka, four in a group is fine."
I nodded not really listening to what he was saying. He walked away to go answer another group's question and I turned in my seat to look over at Ericka. She was working with two of my old teammates from the cheer squad. I turned back around remaining in my seat. When I knew I had Darius it was easy to set aside the fact that I no longer had friends or that big of a support group like I used to. It was easy to face the whispers and judgmental looks. Now I felt too afraid and embarrassed I couldn't even work with people I once used to be cool with. I knew what girls on the cheer team said about me, about my relationship with Jay. I'm sure Chantel was giving them all the details she thought she knew.
I could feel my palms getting sweaty and my heart began racing the longer I sat in my seat alone. I needed to get out of here. I stood up and walked up to Mr. Lee at his desk, clenching one of the straps on my backpack.
"I don't feel good," I said. "Can I go to the nurse?"
He sighed and waved me off which I assumed was a yes. He didn't even bother to write me a hall pass. Mr.Lee had developed a bit of impatience with me throughout the school year due to both my tardiness and lack of effort in his class. It wasn't my fault there were times Jay and I would argue right before school started causing me to disrupt Mr. Lee in the middle of his lessons. I often wondered if he paid attention to the rumors about me. You'd think he'd cut me some slack.
As soon as I stepped into the hallway and the door closed I let out a relieved sigh and closed my eyes to calm the shakiness from my body. I had a lot of anxiety lately and again I didn't have Darius there to distract me from it. After a couple moments of getting my breathing under control I almost felt good enough to go back into class until I heard something that shot fear up my spine and made my breath hitch. A laugh. A laugh I recognized but also surprised me because I hadn't heard it in a while.
Jay's laugh.
When we were still together he hardly did it but when he did it was loud and humorous. The fact that the laughter was nearby frightened me. I looked around the corner down the hall and saw Jay standing by a row of lockers with a few of his friends from the football team. I immediately retreated back remaining unseen. He was here today; he'd been on campus the other day when he'd fought with Darius; and Naomi had implied she'd be returning to school. This all had to mean Jay was returning too otherwise he wouldn't be here. But from my knowledge Jay had been permanently removed from school at least that's what I'd heard. I'd thought the same thing about Naomi yet she would be coming back as well. Would I just have to deal with him for the rest of the school year? If I filed another restraining order how would it work with Jay and I attending school together. What if I had to be the one to drop out of school? To be honest it didn't sound like a bad idea. Probably wouldn't make any difference though, Jay somehow always managed to find a way to be in my life. He'd just broken into my house a day ago so at this point I only expected the worse.
I could hear Jay's voice getting louder as he and his friends walked further down the hall towards my direction. I quickly ran into the nearest bathroom and let out a deep breath when the door swung shut. My body was shaking as I backed away from the door, the sound of Jay's voice passing by on the other side.
"Are you okay?" a curious calm voice asked.
I looked over at the row of sinks, startled that I hadn't been alone. Kendra stared back at me and the fear I had a few seconds ago left my body and was replaced by an awkward feeling. It was an odd question to ask me, especially since it'd been a while since we'd spoken.
When I didn't reply Kendra cleared her throat awkwardly and rummaged in her purse pretending to look for something. I wanted to leave the bathroom but I was too afraid I'd run into Jay. I'd planned on staying in here until first period ended. I slowly approached a sink and started washing my hands. I stared at myself in the mirror and sighed at my appearance. No wonder people hardly talked to me anymore. I hadn't let myself go but I looked unapproachable in my oversized hoodie and unruly ponytail. I'd had no time to do my makeup this morning and because of my poor sleep schedule my eyes looked tired the dark circles around them emphasizing that. Definitely not like the old, confident me. Jay'd managed to stomp on the bit of self esteem I'd once had for myself.
"Amore?" Kendra said.
I looked at her and she interlocked her hands together, looking down at them.
"I'm sorry for not being there for you," Kendra said softly. "I understand if you don't want to talk to me. I haven't been the greatest friend."
"You think?" I finally said.
Kendra's shoulders sank and I felt bad for my snappy response despite it being true.
"I've been seeing you around school, you don't look...happy, like yourself," Kendra continued. "I've been wanting to talk to you, come by your house but I guess I just didn't know how to approach the situation."
"I appreciate your apology," I said. I didn't know what else to say. I mean, I did. I wanted to call her fake, I wanted to call her out for not supporting me or having my back like I thought she did. But I needed to hold myself accountable. After Jay kidnapped me I'd deliberately distanced myself from everyone for a brief amount of time; texts were left on read, phone calls left unanswered. It just hurt to see my friends hanging around people who supported Jay even though they had nothing to do with what he did. At the end of the day it was all Jay's fault. Even when I was in a relationship with him he was already making efforts to distance me from my friends and anyone else who cared about me. It hurt me that Kendra, Chantel and Isabella hadn't been much of a support group to me the past month but I also couldn't blame them.
Kendra gave me a small smile but then returned to being serous.
"You looked pretty scared when you came in the bathroom, is everything alright?" she asked.
"I saw Jay," I said. "In the hallway." I hadn't expected to cry in front of her but felt my eyes start to burn and tears began to form.
Kendra hugged me for a brief moment and I wiped my face with the sleeve of my hoodie.
"I have heard rumors he was trying to come back to school," Kendra said. "That's crazy, after what he did to you."
"No one cares," I said, sniffling. "None of that matters. His dad has connections and Jay knows everyone believes him and likes him so he'll be welcomed back with open arms."
"Not by me."
"Really?"
Kendra nodded her head.
"It's sick what he did to you," she said. "I mean, you never told us anything but I always suspected. Then when he hit you that day in the parking lot I was shocked like everyone else but I don't know, I guess because you kept going back to him it made me feel like it was all okay, you know?" Kendra shook her head, disapproving of her own statement. "It's stupid but just seeing your reaction at the site of him, it makes me feel bad. Jay really is dangerous."
I felt relived that she was opening up to me and explaining herself. I was good at hiding what Jay did to me and she was right, I was always forgiving him and going back. I could see why she would be conflicted on whether or not to get involved. There was a time when I believed Jay did what he did because he cared so much about me which was why I was always going back to him. At the end of the day, I wish I would have confided in someone about the abuse. Maybe none of this would be happening.
"Maybe you could have Darius walk you to all your classes today or Chris," Kendra suggested.
Chris I would consider, but I quickly explained to Kendra why Darius might be out of the question.
"Well, Darius needs to get a grip," Kendra said.
I looked at her in surprise and she shrugged.
"It's true," she said. "You're the one who was abused, he needs to understand that and not pick an argument. I get he's upset but he shouldn't be ignoring you."
I gave her a look and Kendra laughed at the hypocrisy of her statement.
"I know, I'm the last one who should be saying that," she said as we laughed together. "And to tell you the truth, I think you should focus on yourself for now. Don't be so quick to get into a relationship."
"You're right," I said. "It just felt nice to be in a happy relationship again." But even I could admit despite the fact Darius made me happy, I hadn't healed from Jay yet. I was in an abusive relationship and I hated to say it but I needed to face it. I needed to talk about it. I needed to love myself again before I could be with anyone else or else I'd be a walking trauma. I still wanted to make things right with Darius though.
"There's a basketball game today, you should come and talk to Darius after," Kendra said. "I'm sure he'd be happy to have your support."
"Maybe," I muttered. I knew I wasn't going to any game. I hadn't even been to the first couple of games of the season because of my anxiety getting the best of me.
The bell rang, interrupting the brief silence that had fallen between Kendra and me.
"Damn, we've been in here a while," she said looking at her phone. "Want to walk to class together?"
"Uh, no it's fine I'll be okay," I said.
"You sure?" Kendra raised a concerned eyebrow.
I nodded. I didn't plan on staying at school the remainder of the day but I didn't want Kendra to know that.
"Okay, I'll see you around," she said.
I watched her leave the bathroom and I stayed inside too afraid to go into the hallway. I also felt staying in hiding would make it less likely to run into Jay. He either had to be gone by now or in second period like everyone else if he'd started school today. I could hear the loud voices of students as they walked to their next period, lockers slamming nearby, then I heard the late bell and eventually the noise in the hallway died down. I finally stepped out of the bathroom and saw no one else in the halls.
As I walked towards the exits I stopped. What would I gain from leaving school? My grades were already questionable for a senior, I shouldn't be sabotaging my education so close to the end of the school year. My dad was right and I didn't want to cause any more stress on him. If I wanted to get over Jay the best thing I could do was go on with my life and that started with getting back on track with my grades.
I turned back around and headed to second period.
***
Surprisingly, the day went smoothly. I hadn't seen Jay although I heard people talking about him and of course about me. Other than resurfaced gossip, nothing else bad happened today and I made it to the final bell. Chris was even surprised when he saw me waiting by his car in the student parking lot.
"Can you take me home?" I asked.
"Of course," Chris said. "Where's-never mind." He stopped himself from asking about Darius and I was thankful for that. It was already awkward enough he played on the team with him, I didn't want to reveal we weren't talking right now. And if I did that I would be forced to tell Chris about Jay coming into my room that night.
"What time is the game tonight?" I asked as Chris drove down the road.
"Seven. Why?" He asked.
"I was thinking of going."
"For me or Darius?"
"For both of you." I laughed. "But I'll see how I'm feeling."
"I thought you were grounded anyways, since you've been skipping school."
"That's news to me." My dad and I hadn't interacted much since we'd argued and my social life was already non-existent I couldn't even tell if I was grounded anyways.
Once we got home I settled into the living room to get some homework done. Maybe if my dad saw me doing something productive other than hiding in my room, he'd see I'm trying to be better and take me off this supposed punishment. I'd stopped doing homework to text Darius a few times but each time I'd delete the text and shut my phone back off. I didn't want to think Darius was ignoring me, but I knew that was the case. I'd already decided I wanted to go to the game so maybe that would help me in getting him to talk to me again.
There was an hour before the game started and I watched Chris leave in his basketball uniform just as my dad was walking into the house with a couple bags of groceries.
"Good luck, son!" he called over his shoulder as he closed the front door.
"Hey, dad," I said from the living room couch. "You need help with the groceries?" I stood up without waiting for a response and took the bags from his hands.
"Thank you," my dad said with slight surprise. He followed me into the kitchen and I started to put things away. "I see you're doing homework, how was school?"
"Good," I said. I put the cereal on top of the refrigerator then turned around. "Dad, I-."
"Before you say anything," Dad interrupted,"I want to apologize for yelling at you the other night."
I guess today was the day for apologies. I'd wanted to tell him I'd seen Jay at school, but my dad had another direction he wanted to take this conversation so I kept quiet.
"You don't have to apologize," I said. "I haven't been very easy to deal with."
"That's not true. You went through a lot. I wish I could've been here more for you. Maybe I would've known sooner."
"Dad, don't feel guilty. I hid it not just from you but from everyone."
"Would you have hid it from your mom?"
I was stunned by the question. To tell the truth I hadn't even thought about it. I honestly felt my mom would have known, whether I told her or not because of her intuition as a mother. I didn't want to say that to Dad because that would probably worsen his guilt.
"No," I said. I sighed and leaned against the counter. "Jay scared me. He had a way of making me not tell." It felt weird discussing this with my dad because I'd never opened up about it with him for both our sake, but I wanted him to understand he wasn't the only one who missed the signs.
"He was at school today, Dad," I said.
"What?" My dad scrunched his forehead worry and panic showing on his face.
"I didn't see him the rest of the day but people are saying he's coming back to school. If that happens I'll have to deal with him the rest of the school year."
"That won't happen, I'll figure out a way to make sure he doesn't come anywhere near you. I'll pull you out of school if I have to."
"Please don't. Look, I just want to finish this year as normally as I can. Prom is coming up, graduation, I want to be happy again."
"I'm still going to make sure he doesn't harm you at school, Amore. That kid is not right in the head and I'm scared for you. I'll be scared until the day he gets locked up or held accountable for his actions."
I didn't say anything because we both knew that would never happen.
"Are you going to the game?" I asked wanting to change the subject.
"I went to the last two but I'm not sure if I'm up for it tonight," my dad said, his face still wrinkled with concern.
"Can I go? Darius is starting, I want to see him play."
My dad looked hesitant but I gave him a hopeful smile.
"Fine," Dad said. "Are you going with anybody? Friends?" He said it casually but I could hear the curiosity and eagerness in his tone. It wasn't a secret I had no social life since breaking up with Jay and I'm sure my dad had noticed by now I wasn't that close with my friends anymore.
"Kendra invited me," I said. "I mean, she'll be cheering but after the game I'm sure she'll want to hang out."
"Hm, alright. But if anything happens or if you want to come home just text me."
I nodded, hoping I wouldn't have to do that. I planned on having a normal Friday night like I used to. I'd go to the game and try to talk to Darius if he let me.
After talking to my dad for a little bit I showered and got dressed. I finally got my hair back to a presentable state and put on some makeup. I was excited to be going out. It was a step into a fresh start for me. I didn't want to be too optimistic though, the only reason I felt some comfort was knowing my brother would be there. Other than that I had to remember I was basically an outcast at the moment. When my dad pulled up to the school thirty minutes later I got nervous but remained calm to not worry him. I almost asked him to come inside to watch the game with me but after looking at him in the car I could see how tired he looked. I also wanted to prove that I didn't need people to be constantly worried about me and that I was capable of moving on from all of this.
When I walked into the rumbling gym the first quarter had already begun and there was already a bunch of energy in the room. I saw a lot of familiar faces in the bleachers and a few classmates look my way as I walked up the steps but I kept my composure and found a seat to myself. Once I sat down I stopped holding my breath and relaxed. I immediately scanned the court for Darius and watched as he blocked someone from the opposing team from making a two-pointer. He seemed concentrated and in the zone, I wondered if he was even thinking about me. I looked around the rest of the gym for more familiar faces. Kendra, Chantel, and Isabelle were all cheering on the sidelines with the rest of the squad. They looked like they were having fun, it made me miss cheer. I wish I'd never been let off the team.
I returned my attention back to the basketball players and watched the game, cheering to myself whenever Chris or Darius did good. Basketball was definitely Darius's sport, he was the star of the team much different compared to football where Jay had all the power. Jay wasn't interested in playing basketball, I remember him telling me. He liked football because he got to tackle people, which made perfect sense for him.
During halftime Chris spotted me in the bleachers and I waved. He waved back and I watched him nudge Darius and point in my direction. I quickly pulled out my phone and scrolled mindlessly through the Weather app to pretend I wasn't paying attention. I'd already been texting Darius throughout the day but I didn't want to seem desperate. I looked up from my phone to steal another look at him but instead found myself looking at another familiar face in the distance. This time it was Naomi. She didn't notice me but I watched her walk up the bleachers looking around as if she was looking for someone. When she found them I watched her wave and smile towards a couple of her friends a few seats down from me and sit next to them. I didn't see Jay anywhere so that was a good sign but now I was on edge again.
During the entire rest of the game, all I could do was concentrate on Naomi. I also found myself looking over at the doors watching as people walked in and out, hoping Jay wasn't one of them. When the buzzer went off signaling the end of the last quarter I stayed in my seat watching as everyone else began to leave and listening to the chatter around me. Someone was throwing a party and I wondered if Darius had plans on attending. The basketball team had lost the game but because they'd won the last few I wasn't sure how Darius reacted to losing. I wondered if he was anything like Jay when he lost. I shuddered at the thought, deciding it was time for me to go home.
I stood up and descended the bleachers, looking down at my phone to see if my dad had responded to my text I'd sent five minutes into the fourth quarter telling him the game was almost done. He hadn't replied and I was positive he'd fallen asleep by now. He probably assumed I'd ride back with Chris. As I wrote out a text to Chris, I ended up bumping into someone's back as I exited the gym. I looked up from my phone and a junior whose face I recognized but name I couldn't remember stared down at me.
"Sorry," I muttered. As I walked past him and towards the doors leading outside I felt like I was being stared at and when I looked over my shoulder I saw the guy I'd bumped into watching after me. I immediately got a weird feeling, especially once I came to the realization he was one of the boys I saw earlier today at school surrounding Jay. I didn't see Jay around but I hadn't liked the way that boy was looking at me. I quickly made my way towards the locker rooms, deciding I would wait for Chris or Darius, whoever came out first. I stood against the wall, watching people pass by laughing and going on with their simple lives. I was getting restless even though only five minutes had went by. When the locker room doors swung open a few guys from the team walked out.
"Um, is my brother in there?" I asked Raymond, a senior I knew. "Or Darius?"
"I saw Darius leave, don't know about Chris," Raymond said.
"Thanks."
Raymond nodded and I sighed as I looked at my phone again. I guess talking to Darius was out of the question. Just as I was about to call Chris, my vision went black as someone's hands covered my eyes. I couldn't help but feel a smile form on my face, realizing who it was. Maybe he'd stayed behind after all waiting for me. I waited for Darius to say "guess who" like he always did.
"Darius, I know it's you," I said after a few seconds went by. I pulled his hands away from my face as I started to turn around to face him. I felt my legs almost give out when I saw Jay standing directly in front of me with a big smile on his face.
"Hey, beautiful," Jay said, ignoring my clear state of fear. "I wasn't expecting to see you here."
I wasn't expecting you either, I thought to myself.
"Well actually I take that back, my friend said he saw you," Jay said his smile not leaving his face. "I had to come see my girl."
"Jay, please," I said, shaking my head. I wanted to choose my words carefully but I also couldn't think clearly with him standing in front of me.
"What you doing out here by yourself?" Jay glanced at the locker room doors. "Waiting on somebody?"
I crossed my arms, suddenly feeling embarrassed, but I chose to keep quiet. Jay stepped closer to me when I didn't answer and I looked away.
"Waiting on Darius?" Jay asked. His voice was steady and unreadable, it almost sounded like a rhetorical question. Jay smirked a little when I didn't reply. "I told him to stay away from you."
"Yeah, I know you did," I snapped. I stepped back from Jay, quickly realizing I'd just talked back. I opened my phone to call Chris but my hands were shaking so bad I dropped it onto the ground. Jay and I reached down for it at the same time. He picked it up for me. I snatched it out of his hands and started to walk away, deciding to go somewhere more open just in case he tried anything. Jay was able to catch up to me and he blocked my path.
"Why you can't just talk to me?" he asked.
"I don't want to talk to you, okay?" I hoped my voice sounded firm but I knew I wasn't fooling anyone. I was about to attempt to call Chris again but this time Jay was quick and pulled the phone from my grip. "Don't start." I reached for my phone but Jay held it away from me. He knew I hated when he did that. I felt so powerless.
"Don't start what?" Jay asked with an innocent smile.
I reached for my phone again and he held it away, a mischievous glint flashing in his eyes. I was about to give up and walk away again but heard the doors to the locker room opening in the distance. I looked over my shoulder and my body instantly relaxed once I saw Chris. I looked at Jay and watched his playful expression turn into annoyance.
"What's up, Chris?" Jay said his smile returning to his face.
Chris wasn't smiling as he approached us and I stayed behind him as he got in between me and Jay.
"You just don't know how to stop, do you?" Chris asked throwing his gym bag on the ground.
I saw Jay back up a little even though I could tell he was trying to be subtle about it.
"I don't want any problems," Jay said.
"You are the problem," Chris said.
Jay looked at me and I quickly looked down.
"Guess I'll just go then," Jay said.
"Nah, I think you need your ass beat again," Chris said. He shoved Jay but Jay didn't do anything. Chris shoved Jay again and this time he stumbled back but managed to keep his balance.
I saw a dark look pass across his face. I knew Chris had managed to intimidate Jay before but I wasn't sure he'd be successful at it now. Besides, I was tired of the violence. I just wanted all this to stop and I already knew fighting Jay wouldn't do anything.
"Chris, let's just go," I said. "It's really not worth it. He's not worth it."
Jay looked at me when I said that and I thought I saw hurt in his eyes but it quickly went away.
"I'll go," Jay said.
I was surprised but thankful this wouldn't turn into anything more. I didn't need more drama in my life and I definitely didn't need another topic for everyone at school to talk about. Even though no one was around I wasn't risking any more opportunity to be talked about. Without warning, Jay threw my phone in my direction and I barely caught it. Chris grabbed his bag and started guiding me away.
"See you at school on Monday," Jay said as we walked away.
I could hear the smile in his tone. While he found it humorous, I found it terrifying.
**Sorry for the long wait I didn't realize how fast time has gone by and my writers block got the best of me. Another chapter will be added tomorrow or later tonight!**