"I didn't cry the day she died, in fact, I didn't feel a thing. Not sorrow, not sadness, not anger, nothing. My mother was always a touchy subject, but I thought I loved her, but growing up when you're expected to be perfect with no native emotion, I guess you kind of go numb. Nothing bothers me after the incident. My father remarried and had two sets of twins. Looking back, I think I could have been there for them more, but it was hard. I still blame my father's tyrant. I was raised to live for my people. But how was I expected to do that if I couldn't live for myself? It was the 23rd of the 7th month, the year of the butterfly, but nothing really changed. My father says I look like her with my pale skin and long blonde hair, or "you have her mossy stone gray eyes" which is one of his reasons I would be a wonderful queen, but I'd rather not. Me and my mother were different, she loved to sing and dance and knew who she was, she hated to write and was a talkative person. I on the other hand hated singing and dancing and loved to write, poemes where all I had sometimes. I hate the idea of being known for my bloodline instead of who I was. Besides, why be a queen when I could be a savior?
"Xenia Lynn! Hurry, we're going to be late!" my father demanded.
"I'm almost done,'' I said softly.
"Well, it's your big day, you're going to be announced queen at midnight as a tradition and I would love it if you were ready before its time to go, so hurry," he huffed. I responded by walking out of the cattle dressing room in my mother's admiral blue dress. The bodice had a puffy piece above a tight corset with sleeves that shimmered as they flew out, the skirt was a tight icy blue fading up with diamonds, and the train looked like a Brazilian waterfall with gems shimmering in the water. It was a rather beautiful dress, but it wasn't mine, and never would be.
"Oh, cheer up, she would have wanted this, besides you could be what she wasn't" he said in a sweet but haunting voice, "do you remember what she did to us, now darling?"
"You'll never understand," I said with a shaky tone as tears began to fill my eyes, as I stormed to my room holding the dress off the floor, careful not to rip it. I slapped the door with tears streaming down my face. "
You'll never understand" I yelled in tears "I'm not her.'' "You're why he went to mom's kingdom" I sigh.
Suddenly I heard knocking on my window. I rushed to open it and see my best friend there holding a pebble. Catherine Alixandra was a girl from a middle-class family. She has tan skin and firey hair with sparkly green eyes, she is exactly how you imagine Jolene by Dolly Parton.
"Are you ok? Why are you crying? Why didn't you call me?" she asked so many questions at once I just looked at her in shock as she was halfway through my window.
"Hey, you know you can talk to me, right?" she said in a concerned voice now on my window seat.
"Yeah" that's all I could say, I just looked down and I had tears in my eyes but I don't think I was actually crying, it was like my body knew what it should feel but didn't so it acted on what it should have felt.. All of a sudden I felt her embrace me in her arms. I wrapped mine around her and just inhaled. It was a comforting smell, it was kind of like a bakery but also the woods. I pulled myself off her and said in a soft serious tone "I can't stay here," she quickly responded,
"Well then I'm going with you," I looked over at the crown in its casing and took a deep breath
"ok, let's go,'' I said, grading my backpack. "What's all in there?" she asked, confused. "Just some money, food, clothes, and a knife or two," I replied swiftly. I quickly changed out of the tight dress into normal clothing, I made sure to leave mine and Catherine's phones in my Vandy doors. I went to the edge of my bed and ran and jumped out the window with Cathrin following me. There was a rose bush underneath that we landed in. it was less of a castle and more of a house, altho we were royalty, it only meant being a mayor for life. There was know big prize or even a crown, the whole thing is stuped in my opinion, all it is is a guy acting like he's above everyone else but playing victim like they are in the wrong...
I picked the thorns out as we ran into the thicket. Even though the rocks and branches left ribs and stung I kept going. I ran and ran until I fell down. We had to have been running at least 30 miles but we had to keep going. All that was happening in my head was memories of a monarchy, that was more like a lifetime mayor and a castle more like a house. It was a sad life. It was like the royal blood bought you a pass for everything but at the same time nothing. It was a stone and brick house that sat above the rest on a hill with a very Victorian era build that matched the rest of the town. It was almost dystopian how much control my father had over everyone. But my fantasies of leaving were broken long ago, when my mother had passed away.
"We should rest here," Catherine said, panting.
"No, if we keep going we will make it to the wall, then we can rest," I gasped.
She yelled "they are not going to look for us on the first nite, let's just lay down and continue tomorrow"
"But" I gasped
"No buts, just sleep," she said sternly. I didn't agree but I just threw my bag down. Then I lay down using it as a pillow. "Fine, but we leave first thing tomorrow," I said with an angry yelp. The butterflies were back.
She grounded in a stressed tone "Fine".
As the night went on I heard animals everywhere. I couldn't sleep so why not look for breakfast? There was a rabbit by a big oak tree. There were vines and flowers everywhere. 'It was almost as beautiful as Catherine' I thought. I continued to tip-toe until I was close to the small furry creature. Then I picked up a rock and smashed it. After a pile of leaves was set I made a circle of rocks around it. Then I struck two twigs together and started a blaze of fire.
"What's that smell?" Catherine said in a tired voice to which I quickly responded "Breakfast". I swung a leg to her, and when she took her first bite she said muffled "This is Good, Is it chicken?"
"no, rabbit," I said soberly.
She slept it out and yelled angrily "what's wrong with you!" I just looked down at my white shoes that now had blood on them.
"It is breakfast," I said again trying to break the tension.
"Let's go, if we get to town we can probably find a cafe," he said, helping me up from the rock I was sitting on.
We walked for about 20 more miles until we hit a town.
"Look," she said, pointing at an 80-themed cafe.
"Will & Emme" I read. We made our way across the street to the dinner where we heard the song Up That Hill playing on full blast.
"Hey, are you guys new here?" I heard a girl say. (most likely middle eastern).
"Umm, Yeah,'' Catherine said, scratching her head with a smile.
"I don't believe I caught your name," the girl said askingly.
"I'm Catherine and this is Lynn," Catherine gleamed. I just put my hands in my pockets and grind as I leaned back against the cold diner wall.
"Lu, well short for luann," She giggled.
I whispered to myself " titter much," in a sarcastic tone.
"What," Catherine said.
"Let's get something to eat, I'm paying," I said in a rush.
"No way, you're new, I'm paying," Lu said in a cheery voice.
"Plus my brother owns the place, Will," I looked down thinking about a boy I knew once. The curly hair girl walks in with Catherine beside her as I rush to catch up. Once we sat down at a booth by the window where we could see people passing. "So where are you guys from," Lu said with a mini in hand. "Enchantyaly and Bilham," muttered. "Oh my goodness, that's amazing you're still alive, anyways what would you like to eat," she chuckled "I'm not hungry," I replied melancholy. I zone into my mind while Lu and Cathrin talk. I saw my brother Andrea and smelled the forest. Then cinnamon pancakes and rose perfume. "You fell asleep" I heard Catherine say as I realized I was leaning on her. I began to blush and pulled myself up. "I'm sorry" I yelled in shock.
"What's this feeling", I thought. It was like there were butterflies in my stomach flying through my heart. As I looked around I saw people staring at me. Looked down, embarrassed. Catherine laughed at it and it made me smile.
'Calm down, we ordered you some pancakes, you were out for like 20 minutes,'' Catherine said. Lu mutters "so I noticed blood on your shoes, are you ok?"
"Oh, I'm a hunter, I must have forgotten to clean them," giggled phony.
Lu got a notification on her phone and was reading it for a while. I assumed she noted my limp and saw the blood and thought I was injured or hurt someone. I tried to play it off as I handed her the money to pay her back for the food. I ate the pancakes covered in gliding Maple syrup as Catherine and Lu talked. They tasted sweet and were soft. When I was finished we left and Lu asked "So where did you come from, Enchantilly or Bilham?" to which I exclaimed "Were from Enchanted but stayed at Bilham," she just shook her head. "Makes sense," she said, " the princess is missing and you just came from there, have you heard anything?" "She's missing," I said shocked.
Catherine didn't say anything, she just stood there, it looked as if she was going to cry.
"Anyways I have to go, here's my number,"
she said, handing me a piece of paper.
"Are you ok?" I ask in fear of fault. Catherine just looked down.
"Hey, it'll be ok,'' I say, trying to help as I wadded up the small paper and shoved it into the pocket of my blue jeans. She grabbed me and held me in an unbrace.
"Promise me you won't leave me," she said in a wobbly voice. She tightened her grip. We were alone in the alleyway. I held her back and swore
"I promise I won't leave you,". I felt my stomach flutter, passing my heart in my throat and out of my eyes. It was weird, after years of anger and numbness, I felt something, I thought it was love.
"I don't know if I'll get to say this tomorrow so I'll say it now, I love you, I couldn't live without you. You helped me through the worst time of my life, I love you," she said with tears running down her face. I just held her
"I Love you too," I muttered. We just stood there for what felt like forever.
"We need to find a motel or something to stay in while we're here," I said breaking, the silence.
We'll be ok I thought as we walked.
" I don't see anything, '' Catherine said, holding my hand tight. I put my bag down and grab a knife.
"What are you doing?!" Cathrin yelled softly. I didn't respond. I put my head down and grabbed my hair. As I dragged the knife against my long locks I felt a lightweight. With one swoop with the blade what was left of my hair had fallen down, I was left with a shout curly bob with bangs and a handful of hair around 160cm. "Why did you do that? You've been waiting for it for as long as your mother has!" Catherine exclaimed. "And I also thought that love didn't exist, but here we are,'' I said, trying to contain my tears. I smiled and dumbed a quart of ink from the bag over the freshly chopped hair.
"There's a convenience store two blocks away, if we go there we can get directions and water to clean my hair," I calmly said, Cathrin didn't say anything, she just nodded and walked beside me. as we walked I felt the butterflies again, it was a strange feeling like I was nervous but confident. It's hard to explain, it's like I want to hold her and be there for her but I also hate her. She makes me feel weak in ways that no one else can, it's embarrassing but warming, it hurts but heals, it's new, to say the least. Avinchaly we made it to the convenience store. As we walked in there was a cloud of dust and cigarette smoke.
"How can I help you," the clerk said angrily with a cigarette halfway out of her mouth. I grabbed two bottles of water a phone and a bag of chips
"Just this and some directions to the nearest hotel," I said in an assertive tone.
"$40.95 and walk a mile left then take a right, you'll be in the parking lot, each room is $7.34 per person though," she said, coughing out smoke and what seemed like a little blood into her arm. I handed her the cash and grabbed the water as Cathrin grabbed the chips. As soon as we walked out I used my water to rinse my hair which was now dried. As it came out it was a soft purple but left my hair stained black.
As we took the left onto Eli st. it began to rain, when we finally made it to the hotel the guy at the reception was on his phone.
"Hey, we need a room for two please,'' I said to him, holding my arms, trying not to freeze to death.
"Ok, $14.68 is the charge," he said, handing me a key to room 15. When we got there it looked like a luxury sweep. There was a California king-size bed and a bathroom that looked like a renaissance painting.
"Wow," I said under my breath.
"I guess they thought we were a couple," Cathrine whispered under her breath.
" It's just for a night," I said, freezing.
Catherine waited for me to finish my shower outside the oak door. Once I was finished I brushed my teeth and changed into a pair of shorts and Catherine's hoodie (definitely not stolen). After I changed I walked out to see Catherine waiting. She looked at the hoodie and smiled.
"It looks good on you," she said walking into the bathroom. OH MY GOODNESS I thought. I flopped onto the bed blushing, dreaming about what could be. When Catherine got out of the bathroom she had on a white t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, her hair was wet and brushed back. She laid next to me and put her hand on mine.
"I love you," she said looking at me. I just curled up into a ball and blushed. The butterflies were flying; it felt like they were at war. It hurt but felt comforting, it was like a pleasurable pain. Cathrine wrapped both her arms around me from the back and just laid there. I fell asleep, the sound of the breathing was soothing, almost contagious. All I could do was smile as I heard the sound of her well-being. The next morning when I had woken up and she was in front of me, I saw her beautiful face and felt a warmth that I would only imagine that someone feels when they find their soulmate. The butterflies fluttered through my veins and into my heart. I just wish I knew what love is so that way I would know what this is all about I thought. I closed my eyes and lay my head against her chest. I just waited for her to wake up. A smile fluttered off my face, threw a smile. Minutes flew past feeling like hours until I felt her get up.
She turned to me, who was too tired to get up and said "good morning, beautiful" with a grin.
I just lay there, this was the first time I slept in what seemed like two days. "Text Lu, there should be a phone in that bag, set it up, oh and the number is in my shorts from yesterday," I said pointing at my bag in the corner of the room.
Cathine grabbed the bag and set it on the bed. She was setting up the phone while I slept. It was a short 30 minutes. And I heard the phone ring. I fell asleep as they talked. "Okay, Lu wants us to go to her house, her address is 615 Murtha st." I just stood up and grabbed my bag.
"I told her everything and she wants us to stay with her," she said. I just looked at her "You told her what?!" I yelled in a rage.
Realizing what she had done she muttered"I'm sorry". I just sat down, put my hands over my face, and sighed. Then I felt a grip around me.
"We'll go but be careful," I said, trying not to freak out.
We walked out of the hotel with my bag and called for a taxi to arrive. Once one did we told him the address and he drove fastly, there was no way it was safe to drive as recklessly as he did. When we got out of the cab we knocked on the door of a weight house with green shutters and a large porch. Luann opened the door and there was a group of boys there talking and a boy who looked around Lu's age, 23 maybe 24.
James Ray Lake: stood around 5,5" and 170 pounds. He had dark skin that matched his eyes and long brown hair, around 17 years old. Eddy Jay Lake: basically the same as James but had short hair, which makes sense, because they're twins. James was prim and proper while Eddy was wild and rude. Miles Lu Milla was pale and looked around 15. He looked 5 '9" and 170 lb. Lastly, Luann's husband, Dachi was around 6 '0" and 175 lb. He had black hair and brown Mongoloid eyes.
"So, Cathrine told me everything, and I want to take you in'' Lu said smiling
"It can be your new home until you get back on your feet, or you can just stay here, it's really up to you," I muttered "Thank you but we can't accept, it's a really kind offer but I couldn't do that to you, but thank you,".
"Well, stay for smoke tea, then" Dachi responded softly.
I was about to say no but Catherine interrupted me with "we'd love to,". So now I was stuck with a bunch of strangers and Catherine. I faked wanting to be there and at about 8:30 we left.
"What is wrong with you?!" Catherine yelled, pushing me back. This was the first time she was ever violent at me.
"What are you talking about?" I responded audaciously.
"We had a place and you turned it down," she said. "Why would you do that?"
"We don't need their pity!" I yelled.
"You don't, but sometimes it's nice being cared about,'' Catherine said and walked away. I was furious and petrified.
"Fine," I screamed with an awful voice crack, stomping in the opposite directions. I never liked being alone, it didn't scare me or anything, it was just unpleasant. I had all my things, I didn't need her. It wasn't long before I missed her, it never is.
"Will you miss me when I'm gone?" Collen asked sadly
"Of course, why," I asked. The boy just sympathetically looked down. I knew what he meant. I just didn't say anything. It hurt to hear this. It hurts to thank about him. I had felt like a meat cleaver had cut deep into my heart and ripped it out.
"I promise that one day I will turn into a bird and fly you away from all of your problems," I said, trying not to cry.
He chuckled sadly "my little dove," it's always a sad thing when kids hurt this badly. Barley is in the first grade and already wants to die but it never gets better, it usually doesn't. People tell you to go outside, drink water, and exercise, but that doesn't always get better. It's like an implant in your brain, a virus that grows more and more as time goes by, it slowly eats away at everything until there is nothing left. I didn't know that at the time but I quickly learned, all it took to teach me was the sound of a gunshot and the drop of a revolver. My mother tried to explain it like a dancer on a stage with one rose fling toad, but I know what actually happened. I was there, altho I wish I wasn't.
The funeral was short and straightforward. I never understood what he meant that day.
"Will you remember me?" it replays in my head. Of Course, I would remember him, he was my best friend, my first love, the only one who cared for me. I should have said more but I didn't. I was just a little kid. I mean, of course, it hurt, but in a way, it was relieving. I always hated myself for feeling that way. I never really was bothered by the loss of something, it was like I could kill a puppy and watch it die and feel nothing. I always thought there was something wrong with me. I guess my parents did too, that's why they sent me to therapy, but I was always called sick or twisted. But they didn't see it, his parents must have seen the aftermath but that's not seeing it happen. He was my best friend and I had to watch him die. He had cut all over his wrists and legs, I could tell he did it himself. He held his father's new revolver to his timpel "Will you miss me when I'm gone?"Collen asked sadly,
"Of course, why?" I asked the boy just sympathetically looking down. As I looked up at his sorrow-filled eyes, he smiled and broke out in tears. Then he pulled the trigger. It was horrific. There was a bloody mess before me. His body fell, plummeting to the ground. I didn't say anything, I was speechless.
I cried for the first time I can remember. The oak forest around us was right next to his house so I walked through the ticket to the weight house with bright green gables. As I broke the news his mother went running out the door as his father called the ambulance. I'm assuming they saw the blood on my clothes and that's why they didn't question what I said. Once the police arrived he was taken away on a stretcher, he was clearly dead tho. His mom was in tears holding me. It hurt knowing my mother would never cry over me. She didn't care if I was dead or alive. That's why she dropped me off here while she went drinking.
My mother wasn't royalty but she had a tendency to marry into royal families, and my father refused to be with her after finding that out, my mother laid low and went to pubs a lot, while she still had me. My father took full custody after this event. Which would have happened anyway because my mother overdosed on a myth and died. My father thought my mother's acting was immature and scary but I understand where she's coming from. She was broken at a young age, trauma is the most powerful thing someone can face. It makes me think, am I broken or just like my parents, I never will truly know the answer to that painful question but I do know how bad it hurts wandering. It feels like the butterflies are angry and are trying to claw their way out. The feeling never fully goes away. It grows attached to your mind and slowly drives you insane, I'm assuming that's why Colin killed himself.
I must have been walking for hours just lost in my own train of thought. I had managed to wander in a circle. I didn't know where to go. I didn't know what was wrong with me but I knew that something was terribly wrong. I ran away from a "castle" and riches, I lost Catherine, and I didn't know what to feel, or even how to feel. It was almost like I was broken, I thought as I felt the butterflies come back. They seemed angry.
"Lynn where are you"
I heard Catherine yell, she seemed concerned. Something in me told me to hide but I didn't. I just stood there, I had tears streaming down my face at this point. It hurts to move. All I was wearing was a black t-shirt, a pair of shorts, and a cardigan in 30-degree (Fahrenheit) weather. I was walking for so long that I thought I had frostbite for sure. I'm such an idiot, I'm worrying Catherine over a place to stay I thought. The cold was bitter and I started to see spots. Then I hit the ground. It felt cold and wet but comforting. I slowly woke up to someone talking.
"Are you ok?" I hear a soft voice say.
"What happened?" I say I tried.
"You were out, '' Lu said.
"Listen, you and Catherine should stay here" Daichi exhaled
"Is she ok?" I hear Catherine panic.
She sounded almost like she was in tears. "Yeah," I said, it felt like I had just been hit by a truck (which might have actually happened). "I just feel dead," I say. Cathen in tears grabbed me in an embrace, it was shocking to hear her so sad. It felt like the butterflies were trying to escape me but could not, they were flying up my through and made my lungs full of pollen and creaseless so that I couldn't breath, all I could do was sit there and let it happen. I hated feeling helpless but for her it was different, I enjoyed having her there at all times. It was like a curse of forseen happiness. I never understood why some people made me feel good and others made me numb, but she was in the inbetween, in the worst way.
She just held me and repeated in a sorrowful voice "I'm so so sorry I had left, I should have done anything else" over and over again just "I'm so so sorry," it replayed in my head. "Anyway, we should be getting ready for supper," Luann said giggling.
"WHAT, DINNER?" I yelled "how long have I been unconscious,"
Lu hesitated as Dachi sighed "to be quite honest we all kind of thought you were dead, you've been out for three days," I was in shock.
"We're staying here," Catherine had said in a shaky manner. I didn't argue, I had done enough damage.
"I'll show you around," Lu said.
"Oh no it's fine" I attempted to say but then Catherine gave me a look I'll remember forever, it was like she wanted me dead but also would kill for me at the same time.
"I'll find my way around," I said. There was a spark in the room, like everyone was glad I decided to stay. It felt like I was wanted, a feeling I've never felt before.
I remember when I was little my mother would sing me a song, a lullaby. "On a dark dreary night, I won't let you have a fright. I'll sing you a song, but you won't last for long. When the stars all align, take it as a sign, fight by my side, my darling."
I never understood why she sang it to me, I didn't cry much. I guess it was comforting for her. It was kinda sad, she would sit up crying for hours cradling me in her arms and singing that song, even once I was well too old to be cradled. She would have bruises on her arms and marks near her veins, when I was younger I thought someone hurt her, but now I realize she was doing it to herself. She was just an addict, she was addicted to the adrenalin and affection of her cold-hearted lover, heroin. I remember the sound of the church bell, and the sight of an open casket, it sparked a flame of a memory younger than noon. I'm standing by her holding a candle, wearing a black dress. She was so sound asleep she never woke back up. I felt the butterflies flutter out my lungs, I couldn't breathe, it never was the same after that day. I never understood why someone would leave their children, never to see them again, willingly. She could have left them behind, but she left, dying for the pill bottles. It hurt more than anyone could ever imagine.
I never knew why my mom and dad hated each other more than they loved me. I suppose that's why I'm here and there. She is 6 feet under and he's halfway across the world, or at least my world. She never really let me leave the house. He treated it as if it was a palace, a lovely Garden anything that would keep me happy when I was never really allowed to leave unless I was with my mother and that wasn't much of a help. I was either cooped up in my room stuck helpless and a sad dark despair or was lucky to be forgotten about the train station and neither of my options were really good for me they just were there since I was little I didn't have to take care of myself it was quite sad I was around 5 years old already learned what people usually know in their 30s quite sad to think about, but I promise you it's a lot sadder to live thew. Imagine the worst migraine you've ever had with the insatiable feeling to throw up mixed with a upsetting scene of sadness it's like a romantic suicide. But for some reason it felt like I was falling falling into a deep dark Abyss where the only thing that lies was the darkest memories it hurts when I fell but for some reason I never landed it kept going farther down and down and down until I hurt so bad I began to cry out of pain blood began to pour out of my eyes and mouth and nose my teeth hurt and it felt like they're pushing each other to the side and biting down on my tongue until it essentially was bitten off there was so much pain through all this and yet all I can think about where the butterflies how they were fighting they were crying their way through my lungs and throat and a stinging sensation through my brain they were looking for a way out and they found it they fluttered out of my eyes through my tear ducts all I could do was cry and then I woke up in the pain was gone.
The room was dark but I was able to make out when there was in front of me. Through the tears I saw my nightstand on the left a rocking chair with a blanket over it and right in front of me behind it was a closet it was slightly open and I could see a red shirt through I could see the rug was a beige color and I could see the dresser had a mirror on it with makeup it looked like a vanity and had pictures and candles. I grabbed my blanket and curled up. There were tears streaming down my face when I realized my hair was being stroked and my hair was shushing. Catherine was holding me stroking my hair trying to comfort me as I was shaking. She held me and whispered in my ear it's going to be okay over and over again it was comforting in a sad way in a way it shouldn't have happened but it did and you have to live with the fact that it did but for some reason, she made it all better the butterflies are no longer falling out of my eyes but instead we're back fluttering and my heart and I woke up at her face I so loved I put my head down nuzzled her neck and laid there until I fell back asleep. I felt her rock me back and forth and brush my hair off my face. I could hear her breathing and for some reason, it was comforting to breathe like her to mimic the sound and why she was there. I guess even that she wasn't leaving which was always a fear in my mind.
Once morning arrived I went to the kitchen to see Luann the kitchen had a marble top Island and a gas stove the lights were dim but still very bright the floors were just looking tile along with the walls I found Luann making scrambled eggs and waffles bacon and french toast and smelt like a bakery. Luann was wearing a white dress with stockings and Mary Jane shoes she had her hair up and a braid with a flower and her bangs she was wearing makeup that made her eyes pop and with bright red lipstick she wore an apron that was white was a black stripe along the top the whole outfit made her beauty enhanced she was drop dead gorgeous.
"Good morning," she said, mixing up the waffle batter.
I was stunned she knew I was there. I don't think I'd make a sound walking into the kitchen.
"Wh-how, good morning" I said defeated and tired.
"So Catherine slept in your room last night," Luann said, suggesting something.
"What do you mean?" I yelped trying to cover up last night.
"Oh, she told me you two cuddled last night because you were scared, it was really quite cute you know,"
she responded jokingly, mocking me. I just looked down and smiled to myself I know I loved Catherine but she doesn't know that neither does Catherine and I'm not willing to put my secret out just over a little nightmare it was quite sad how much weakness I could show just because of a thought I mean who was I kidding I wouldn't be able to fight in the situation but I still felt like I should have I should have told her to stop I should have made her stop but I was young and the thought of Catherine seemingly made it all better I began to blush as I heard the door open.
"I'm here, sorry I took so long," Catherine said putting down a bag of groceries they were from Valley Mart the bag was yellow and it had a blue logo that looked like a lasso inside the bag it looks like there was bread a carton of eggs a gallon of milk and a couple different types of meats.
"So Catherine told me you liked to read. I have a few books in the living room if you want to go check them out" Luann said giggling. I walked through the kitchen to the living room until I was in front of the shelf. One book in particular stood out to me. It was a hardback made out of leather. The pages looked old and rustic. It was called Her. I sat down on the couch and opened it up.
"WHAT, Detention?!" I YELLED.
"DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME, OR TWO DAYS." Miss Doty responded, As I angrily walked to my destination. As I got there Mister Jack was taking attendants.
I went straight to the back of the class. A sweet simp was there as well. He was flirting with the bitchy basic popular girl. I sat down and started to draw. A tall dark-skinned long-haired brunette walked in. She was a transfer student from Mexico. She sat in the seat beside me, and we began to talk. Her name was Kathryn. She was the prettiest person I had ever seen. She was strong, nice, loving, and helpful. I on the other hand am a fair skinned blue-eyed brat. I loved to fight, and I can back up the shit I talk about. She was lovely and I was quiet. Only God knows how she got in detention. I fell in love as soon as I saw that face. "A-am I gay?" I thought to myself.
I knew that I never liked men but now I was sure that I was a lesbian when I saw her, but I began to blush, she asked me to go to the movies with her and I expectedly gasped. About nine hours later, she and I went for a walk. We got lots of strange looks even though she was one year older than me, I'm the short one and many people got freaked out. We walk to the movies and watch Twilight. All I could think about is that she was my Edward. As I raced her to her house then she kissed me! I got home around 9:30 p.m. and went straight to my room, where I spend most of my time gaming and watching anime. I thought about the kiss and how I wanted more.
"I'm a girl and I like girls?!" I realized. And I was proud. I began to read haikyuu fanfiction, kuroo x Kenma. I quickly finished as I had read it millions of times before. I started Poppy's Playhouse. It was right up my alley with spooky and creepy and cute. Finished and went for a walk to the train tracks like normal. Kathryn was there.
I lovingly shouted "Hey Kat!!!" She hugged me and called me kitten. I was blushing and she with a sweet smile asked me to go out with her. I said yes. I know it sounds crazy for a 13-year-old to say but I found the love of my life. She was the one.
She introduced me to her friends, and they were all so welcoming. Me and her went to the train tracks the next day and sang along to Girl in Red. She was my best friend, and she was the love of my life.
We went to school exhausted. I went to the band and she went to the gym. All I could think about was her warm gentle hands and her gold eyes. When we got out of class, she introduced me to her friends. There was Sarah, James, and Lewis. We went to the movies the next day waiting for Kathy however they never came. The next day she walked over and apologized for not being able to show up and explained that she had to babysit her little sister and her phone had died so she wasn't able to tell us. She wore a red blouse with some ripped blue jeans, a pair of white Nikes and a bright red hair bow with her hair in a high ponytail and bangs in her face. She has the most beautiful smile anyone could ever even dream up. It looks like her eyes are painted by goddesses and she was wearing some rose gold glasses. She asked me if I would like to walk home with her and I of course said yes
. On the walk to her house, she pulled me in and kissed me and it was the most magical thing that I have ever experienced. Naive and young we were in love. Not even the goddess Aphrodite could break us up. The beauty beholds and her eyes I could not take mine away from hers the whole walk to her house. When we finally got to her house, she introduced me to her mother and her father. She had a younger sister and that was it however I had five siblings to brother sisters one brother. She took me to her room, and we began to watch Aladdin. About halfway through she decided to change it to a scary movie. I personally love scary movies, so I accepted. However, through part of the movie she got really afraid, and she had to hold me due to the fear. The love in her voice as she held me tighter trying to come for herself.
It was around three months of us together and she broke me. Let me explain...
Summer break had just begun and I saw her kissing a boy. Not just a boy but MY BEST FRIEND. I didn't say anything though. I had seen this before and if I said anything it killed me. You see in 2012 my best friend and I started to date but it didn't last long. He changed. His brother had raped me and he blamed me. Then he cheated and blew his head off with a pistol. He was a poser and a bluff but I loved him, and Kathryn was just like him. I wasn't willing to repeat the past.
I just walked past and Kat came chasing after me. I just looked at her and said congratulations in a monotone voice.
She stammered "It's not like that baby" I just walked away. I was so mad. I was sad. I was filled with horrible feelings about her and hatred. I went home and straight to my room. I grabbed one of my many stuffed animals and twisted the head until I heard a seam brake. I screamed and cried into my pillow. My face was buried in toys and blankets.
I felt so angry I needed revenge. I have a friend, Seath. Seath has been assessed but unfortunately can't find anyone to date him.
"I need some help", I gasped.
"What's up, is everything alright?" He said concerned. After explaining my plan, he agreed. We went to town together, and sat in Gliss Park. Then we waited for Kathryn. Once she showed up to pick up her sister, me and Seath began to make out. Kathryn wasn't looking so I giggled.
So I went home and out of nowhere I felt a strong grasp around me. I looked up to see Kathryn.
"I'm so sorry, I should have told you that my parents didn't know that I was gay, I was trying not to get into a fight with my mom but I never meant to hurt you." She said In a sad, sorry voice. I was mad but I felt safe, I hugged her and cried. She stayed there for me and was so angry at herself for doing what she did.
But I loved her and I forgave her and held on to her as if I was too afraid of being alone. I realized that she had actually loved me and that made me warm inside.
I had felt bad and asked if we could invite Seath, so I could explain why it all happened. Around three hours later he had finally shown up. When Kat confronted him, he got super divisive, so She ignored me and asked Seath to come to her house in a fortuitous way. Seath exapted and excitedly went.
Kat brought it into her room. He was hit with a bat multiple times. Seath was out of breath and looked like a true crime scene. She had cut his eyes up. She slowly slit his neck. A liquid red metal gushed from his throat leaving behind an iron scent, not even Dexter seen was that gruesome. Blood was everywhere. Blood was puking from his body. Kat shot him once and poked his eyes out.
The reason she had distinction was she got into a brutal fight and nearly killed the kid. She was expelled from three schools in Mexico. Do to threats and violence. It was terrifying to find out that she was capable of doing that. She was now a killer though, and adrenaline can make people do crazy things. Uncanny and gruesome things. Stuff that sounds like it came from Date Line or True Crime.
Kathryn was acting extremely strange, and whenever I asked her why she didn't say anything though she smiled. It was terrifying. Seath started ignoring me out of nowhere. I was scared.
"Babe, we need to talk" Kat said, my heart dropped in an instant.
"Yes, darling" I forced out.
"I killed him. I-I actually killed him, I threw his lifeless body in the lake" she said trying not to cry. I just blankly stared at her, I knew who she was talking about.
"W-what!" I yelled hysterically.
"I couldn't control myself, I hit him with my bat then cut his throat. I killed Seath, I'm so sorry..." She said in a burst of tears. I just stumbled back hyperventilating. She just kept repeating how sorry she was.
WAS SHE JUST COMING TO TERMS WITH THE FACT THAT SHE KILLED SOMEONE AND WHY DID I STILL LOVE HER!!
"It's ok" I said as I put her head on my chest. All I could do was repeat "It's ok, it's ok". I didn't even cry, instantly I held her to my chest and rubbed her head to comfort her. She put her arms around me and cried. I just held her though. Did I really love her that much?
It was sick. I pushed her off me and asked about why she had cheated?
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" I snarled in disgust.
"W-wwhat?" a scared lost girl yelped. That was not the independent open minded sarcastic girl I once knew. She was scared, no, terrified, no, she was petrified.
I was so in love but I knew that it would happen again and again. But all I could do was apologize, I wasn't scared, instead I had felt pity. Instead of calling the police or even running I grabbed her head, placed it on my lap and slowly moved her hair from the infant of her face then comforted her for about 6 hours. It was two in the morning when I realized that she had fallen asleep."
Seeing the killer of the book and my best friend have the same name kind of threw me off. All I could think about was the dark moment I nearly lost Catherine. I think I fell asleep because I don't remember anything else about that book. It's a weird concept, when you don't dream you don't have anything happen and you are just kind of lifeless until you wake up, and you don't remember anything, like your mind time travels but your body doesn't. Does that make sense?
"So, do you like the book?" Luann asked, chuckling at me.
"Um, yeah," I groaned, the sight must have been hilarious but I fell asleep with the book on my lap and the way I was laying had my head rolled back while my arm was covering the book on the couch. How embarrassing it was to sit there not even able to read without falling asleep. I was a mess, this whole running away thing has really gotten to me, I thought. As Catherine walked into the room I bolted up.
"Hi, Cathrine," I shrieked, straightening up (trying to not look like a complete and total mess).
"Good morning, sleepy head," she said smiling. She sat down next to me and put her arm around me, OH MY GOODNESS, OH MY GOODNESS, OH MY GOODNESS, OH MY GOODNESS, I thought panicking.
"Wow, I didn't know you knew Will," I heard Lu say.
"I didn't either until I saw his face, we went to school together, although he was a couple of years ahead of me," Catherine said smiling.
"That makes sense why he insisted that I help you out," Lu responded.
After hearing that a red flag in my mind went off, Oh no, no no no NO, me and Catherine went to the same school, which means he knows me meaning he knows my secret.
"You good?'' I heard Catherine say, I was bright out of the white space that made up my mind, her voice and her touch were too much at once. I melted into her arms, trying not to embarrass myself more than I had already. The butterflies were back, I like to think that the butterflies are like ghosts coming back to help me through the hard parts of my life, so far they have failed.
I looked down at my lap trying my hardest not to blush, blush but no matter how hard I tried my face turned from pale porcelain to a bright red rose.
"I'm fine?" I muttered to myself.
"Okay, kitten," she chucked while playing with my hair. I went from rose pink to tomato red. I lay on her chest, sitting on her lap. Her and Luann started talking again and I was left alone with my thoughts.
The white space was quiet and nice for one, it was different, until I heard the sound of a little boy crying. It was Cathrine, or at the time Caylib. A little girl with long blond hair past her ankles in braids came running past. "Caylib, weigh up," she yelled.
I remember what happened, it was years ago but I'll always remember this dreadful day. It was the day I learned that every one I love will die, including myself.
"No, why should I?" he yelled crying. His heart was truly broken.
"You killed him, you freak!" I didn't know words could hurt until then.
"I promise I didn't mean to," I called out. I was taken by the blame for the death of the little boy who I watched die. I was just a 6 year old girl, yet dealing with the worst thing anyone could ever imagine.
"Whatever, I hate you," he muttered.
The words spiraled threw my head on repeat, "I hate you," over and over again. "I can't believe I actually cared about someone as arrogant as you," he yelled, then he broke down. He ran past me wiping his tears, I remember the way he ran, he had one arm whipping his tears and the other holding down his shirt, there was a harsh burn on his left arm. He bolted out the courtyard into town. I'm assuming he went home after that. It was so long ago but it still hurt for some reason. I guess that's why I was so shocked when Catherine pushed me back, she had never laid her hand on me until then, even when her first love died in front of me. Later that day I saw something that would change me forever.
I walked through the freshly designed town looking for the house that had a fresh white coat of paint and a blue gable roof. Once I found the house, I climbed up the stairs to the wrap around porch. After that journey I knocked on the oak door.
Calibes' mom answered "Hello, how can I help you today Xenia,".
I looked down and muttered "Can I talk to Calibe" She responded with of course honey," and opened the door wider and pointed to Calibes bedroom door. I slowly made my way down the hall. I opened the door and shut it as fast and quietly as I could. I turned around and saw Calibe crying looking in the mirror.
"Are you ok?" I asked.
"What's it to you," he muttered. Then I noticed the lipstick and a bra. I just looked at him in disbelief.
"Are you a girl?" I asked.
"Oh no, you must think I'm a freak," he said, palming his face,
"I knew you would,"
"So what name do you prefer or do you want to keep it the same," I asked.
He just stared at me. "I like Cathrine" he mumbled .
I smiled "she/her?"
"Um, yeah," she giggled nervously. I hugged her and apologized for the morning. Around three hours later I was told that she had been put in a hospital for attempting suicide. I visited her everyday. I felt like it hurt me more than her own father. I hated myself for what happened, for some reason I blamed myself. It was like I thought that if I wasn't there none of this would have happened, but what if it was worse. I'll always have a million questions, and never one will be answered. But I'm glad I went to the hospital, now I have my Catherine. After time she got a surgery to officially make her a girl, I was proud.
Once I got out of my head I smiled at Catherine and walked back over to the rustic bookshelf. I put back the one and pulled out one called "Petals: What Really Happened" I went back to the sofa and opened the red dusty book where I read:
Daisy
""Are you kidding!?" I yelled. I was lost in the woods with no service, no food, nothing. I can't believe this, I thought. Yeah i was in an argument with my mum and ran off but I didn't deserve this, there was nothing and no one, I was alone. I hated being alone, even though I don't talk to people. But I couldn't complain about it all, the view was nice, there was a willow tree with beautiful emerald vines and sturdy roots that must go for miles. There was a chill breeze, not so cold that I would freeze, but instead a nice spring feel.
It began to get dark and I had settled down and found a soft patch of moss; I had heard a song chime through the leaves and branches flowing in the wind "The other night, dear, As I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you, in my arms, When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, So I hung my head and I cried.'' It went on. A high pitched melody that was similar to an angel, it sounded like a little girl, a crying little girl. I was concerned and followed the voice, to where I saw a girl with pointed ears and razor-sharp teeth, but if you were to ignore that she looked almost completely normal. She was a pale-skinned brunette with a blue dress that looked like it was from the 1900s. She had sapphire eyes and lots of freckles that looked like constellations. There was nothing but skin and bones. She was barefoot and looked around seven years old, but you could tell that she knew more about how cruel some things can be than most thirty-year-olds.
"Hey, are you ok?" I said in a comforting voice. She tried to run but her foot was caught in a bush.
"I won't hurt you, I'm here to help," I gasped. She stopped struggling but flinched when I pulled out my pocket knife. I cut the thorny vine and dropped the knife, then she slowly walked towards me and grabbed me in a tight hug that lasted forever. She was shivering, so I took off my sweater and put it on her. It draped over her like a princess's ball gown.
I carried her while trying to find a safe way out, she seemed to weigh only fifteen pounds. It was sad to see how hurt she was, so I thought that I could take her in and give her a home. She looked so much like I did when I was young.
When I finally found a safe-looking place I sat her down and climbed the tree to get fresh apples. I felt a tight grasp around my neck. I looked around to her with distorted eyes strangling me. I cried and yelled for help. But right as I jumped I heard my mother coming
"Daisy, You forgot to take your schizophrenia medicine" but all I saw was the girl she raised hanging by her neck from a tree, on the ground was her bag, weather, and an original troll doll. Her lifeless body was dark and there was a faint smile glissing off my dull face with glazed over eyes.
Then I could see and I was in a magical mysterious land with elfs, fairies, dragons and me. I was awake and well, but something was off and I couldn't tell what. My mother was just about to give her eulogy when I realized I was dead. When she began to speak, she said so many great thighs but none of them were true in my mind. I wasn't sweet or kind, but that's how she saw me, and then I felt...loved.
1998 June 9
James
In a small town in Murcheston, Ohio there was a forest and in that forest lived James, an average STEM student whose interest and grades were predicted to remain below average, but that became a self-fulfilling prophecy and after he grew up, he became half-heartedly employed in the factory his dad left to him. Going through a tough time (pushed away from his friends, stopped going to lunch) and feeling like everyone's watching him go by as if he were invisible.
James finds himself wandering in the dark parts of town with nothing on his mind but getting back home when suddenly strange lights start shooting upwards like fireworks. James enters the elevator shaft because it seemed safe to get on their level but cold metal doors block his way and oily water starts to fill the shaft up to his knees, just barely enough time for mom's voice from years ago saying, "It's all right, son it's not far now" floats through his memories and eyes close... He wakes up startled in a bath. After running away from home, James falls into the forest and threatens to get homesick. A girl with gray hair comes out, making him think is his mother. They talk for a while, this girl knowing his every move. So he doesn't believe her.
The girl takes James back to where he was, but then suddenly after arriving at the destination nothing is coming back to him. When he wakes up, everyone in their village says that he must have slept for ages because everything has changed since the time he left. James is a kid trying to find his way home. He runs into the woods to find the errant cars. He follows the path laid out before him. After he has walked for some time, he turns back and sees two pairs of feet at his head- one is bigger than umm other and boots emerge and run along after him He clings to his rock as he yells for help and steps off of it- to see darkness. The show ends with James' point of view in the darkness- which is revealed to be the floor of his living room. When his father lost his job, James' mom had to work more to support the family.
His sister got held back in school and he was snapped at home. He scrambles on the first opportunity to pack a bag and head downtown. But downtown has changed since the company moved out last year, and it's not clear where anyone else but new faces reside in the region. So James takes a job on a shrimp fishing boat just outside of town to figure out how he can get home (or not)..." at least this is a consequence" James is 16 but winds up meeting guys in his twenties who are drinking, smoking cigarettes, and hacking off tentacles by 10 pm down at the dock. But he needs money for food and a bus ticket home, so he does that quicker than naptime...but too quickly for the sun to burn off any badge of guilt before dawn.
I've been parenting my 90-year-old grandmother along with the nine other kids I live with. It's a lot. I do what I can but on another day like today and we wouldn't be having this conversation. It was just too much. James left without telling his parents back to Milton, Canada because he never felt like he had a place in Santa Cruz. He plans on calling his family every three hours to maintain in touch without worrying about his family too much. Only this time they never answered, so he did four days go by and James was really getting worried.
He then saw a flashing light in the sky, so he thought it was his lucky day--if he could only find out where it leads to. When James made it to Hartford, park at 100 degrees, the first thing he spotted was an office for the local police station for some weary travelers where an officer helped him with food and water, but eventually, James just had to go. One day I was angry, I just wanted to break something and I took it out on my sister. I ran up to the roof and saw Daisey walking home. When she got closer to the door, she stopped and turned towards me like she knew what happened. Almost in a trance, her arm waved from side to side and a cool breeze swirled in me.
With it being out of character for Daisey, I was curious but already felt so bad from attacking my sister. I moved closer down the stairs with arms stretching in front of me for guidance. All of a sudden Daisey fell asleep and the wind stopped. While sleeping her lips curved into a contented smile as if nothing happened. We're too far apart to walk by myself so we woke up Daisey who continued talking with me right as before. Later that night, Timothy showed up so he could take me home since he knew some friends of mine. We were never really that close but he seemed nice and was easy to talk to. He had the sweetest smile. The sad part is I never got home, instead six feet under in a car crash. We were hit by a drunk forty seven year old in a Ford truck. 1984 June 9
Lee
I was leaping through the trees out of breath but I had to make it, I just had to. I had to meet Jinny back at the spot. But as I was nearly there someone caught me. A boy had caught me in a net. So I hummed a beautiful melody from home then I heard Jinny.
"Lee! Lee!" she screamed in a petrifying shaky voice. She's near, I thought. She was near.
"Jinny" I yelped like a puppy who had been shot. There was a loud silence but then I saw the dark haired pale girl who had been looking for me. I cried out of sorrow and pity, but also out of joy and thankful that the girl I indebted my life to was there to help. She grabbed my hand and I was hopeful.
All of a sudden a sharp burning piercing pain entered my stomach. I had been shot with an extremely intense spear. I couldn't breathe. It felt like a hand was grasping around my neck so tight that I felt the stars come to me. I heard a thud echo from right in front of me as it echoed through the forest like a bat in a cave. I couldn't see anything so I felt like one too, but then I felt what seemed to be like miles, but I knew it was only a few feet. Then I heard a shot, a cannon maybe.
"Jinny," I whispered.
I could feel her hands around my face, as she brushed my dark brown almost midnight black locks of hair behind my small unworking ear.
"Did you blow up the food?" I said with a grin.
"Yes, every last bit." she replied.
"You have to win this now" I gasped.
"Don't worry I will," she said in a way I could tell she had begun to cry.
"Sing to me?" I giggled and threw the tears.
She took a long minute and then chuffed. Then a ghast with a beautiful voice that sounded like a million angels had begun to sing.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine You make me happy when skies are gray You'll never know, dear, how much I love you Please don't take my sunshine away The other night dear, as I lay sleeping I dreamed I held you in my arms When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken So I hung my head and I cried You are my sunshine, my only sunshine You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away" she had sung.
All of a sudden a flowery smell peeked through the bloody metal stench. I felt the flowers around me. Somewhere blossomed, somewhere wilting, and some had not bloomed yet. It felt as if I was in a field instead of the dark woods. It was a warm and mystical experience, but then it all went ice cold... 2003 June 9"
The book had a lot of missing person cases on the same date but different years. It was very obviously a fictional reading though, I mean Lee is basically that hunger games scene with Rue. It was interesting to see the deaths of the characters though. I huffed in and exhaled a coughing fit trying to stand and failing. I fell back on the sofa into Catharines lap. I was choking and all Catharine could do was laugh at me. She kept making jokes that I sounded like I was a hooting owl. It was quite offensive to say the least. But sooner or later I stormed up and put the book back on the shelf. I raised one finger at it and walked away muttering my frustrations upon it.
"That book sure got you, huh," Catherine giggled, I was so upset, I just looked at her with widened eyes and frown. It had the same energy as Wednesday Addams. It was all I could do, I was afraid if I said anything I would start choking agin. She just went silent. It was a kind of reshoring, like I had won. I let out a small laugh covering my mouth. That was the first time I had genuinely smiled or laughed the whole time I had been away. It felt magical. After I had sat back down on the sofa I was pulled into catrines arms and was held there. After years of feeling alone I felt loved, like someone cared.
"Hellllooooo, are you there?" Lu asked "How do you keep zoning out?"
Catherine responded "It's her talent".
I had a bad gut feeling, I needed to get out of that house before something bad happened. "We need to go, NOW!" I said as I got up off of the sofa. I walked as fast I could to the door and grabbed my jacket. I swung the door open so fast the air stung my skin.
"What are you doing?" Lu asked, shocked.
"I have a feeling in my stomach that we need to get out of here or else things are going to get really bad" I yelled, I was genuinely terrified. And then I saw it, my fathers men. They were looking for me. "No, no no no no no no no no no!" I yelped. "They're here, there after me. I knew I shouldn't have gone but I did. I'm so sorry".
"What's wrong? Are you ok?" Catherine said she sounded scared. All I could do is point. She quickly grabbed me hiding me in her cote and picked me up. Then she walked back in the hou and sat me down on the sofa.
"They can't take you now, that's why we left the border," cathrine said, it was like she was in tears but none fell down her face.
I didn't believe her. I knew my father and he would do anything to get his way, evan murder.
"Yes he can, and he will," I said, trying to catch my breath, "He has". This didn't feel right, but I couldn't leave, Catherine wouldn't let me.
"I'm getting Dachi," Luann yelped, speeding off into the other side of the room out the door. Catherine tried to hold me down to keep me from running off but that triggered something in me. I flinched and began to cry. I was genuinely scared of her at that moment. I felt a tight pain in my chest and tensed up. It was like I was falling down a deep well not knowing how to swim, tariffing. I tilted my head to the right and held my breath. I thought she was going to beat me. I just sat there waiting, but it never happened. I looked up and to my surprise Catherine was crying. She had one hand over her mouth with tears running down her face. She collapsed and fell to her knees. She grabbed my waist and pulled me on top of her, then she slowly put her arms around me with one hand holding the back of my head.
I heard her muttering tears " Don't ever think I'm going to hurt you, I promise I won't. I love you so much. And I know I'm selfish and rude and cold hearted but I love you". I just sat there as she cried. I didn't know what to do anymore, it seemed if I left it hurt someone and if I stayed I hurt someone. I had no good options. I could either break Catherines heart and hurt her or break my fathers. I really didn't want to do either. And then I thought what if I was just gone, like dead. It would solve everything. That made me feel sick to my stomach. I didn't know who I was anymore and that realization hurt more than anything in the whole world. And I was back in the white space, but something was different.
I was cold and wet. Then I saw a little girl running through the woods crying covered in blood. That was a memory I wish never happened. There was blood napped in her hair and her legs were ripped wide open. She had a limp but ran fast. This was the day I learned that people are terrible and that drugs were worse. That little girl was cowering in fear, alone, cold and scared. I was running from my mother. The woman I called mum, the girl who raised me, she was gone. It hurt.
I heard her yell "Get back here you little brat!". It terrorizes a kids every thought after beng treated so poorly. I never knew why she hurt me but it still haunts me. I feel it would haunt anyone who was beaten and cut by their own mother for her selfish pleasure. I never really understood the saying forgive and forget, I wasn't much for forgiveness and I never forgot. I felt the butterflies in my stomach rush through me as I ran through the woods not noticing the cuts and scrapes of the rocks and branches, I felt free. I ran and ran until I couldn't breathe and even then I kept going. About a month later custody was given to my Father and my mother was sentenced to 5 years in prison. I wanted to never be hurt like that again, guess that's why I freaked out at Catherine, I was scared of my mother. But I respect Catherine. And my mother lost all respect years ago. I was born in a burning house. One about to go down in a flame of emotion and take everyone with it. Living there was like a dictatorship on an open flame where I hoped that I would make it to tomorrow.
When I woke up I was in a hospital and I heard "Narcolepsy is a chronic neurological disorder that affects the brain's ability to control sleep wake cycles. People with narcolepsy may feel rested after waking, but then feel very sleepy throughout much of the day." through the door. I got up and tried to walk to the door. After stumbling I made it and opened the door.
"You're awake, very good," the doctor said.
"You can leave at any time but you need to take some prescription medication. Two a day, one when you wake up and one before bed." She had long black hair and olive skin.
"Let's double check and get you going," she said. After that me, Cathren and Lu got in a white Mercedes and drove home.
It was a long ride, the trees passing by was a beautiful sight. I was sitting in the backseat with Catherine, Lu was driving, she thought it would be better for us both to sit in the back rather than Catherine in the passenger side.
"So, what happened?" I asked.
"You passed out, again, just this time it was five days," Catherine said coldly.
"Oh," I sighed "are you mad at me?"
she just shrugged and said "You, please".
Lu had headphones on while driving.
"Seriously" I asked.
She looked down and sounded sad "No, I just don't want you to fear me, you're my best friend, my only friend. It feels like sometimes, I want to marry you someday even, and it hurts knowing you're scared of me".
I looked at her and said "I'm not scared of you, I'm just scared, I mean we're on the run from a king, of course I'm scared," she looked at me then she held me in an embrace.
It was warm and comforting. I began to zone out again but I had no memories. All I could think about is what we had just been through, and the fact that she is still with me. The butterflies in my stomach fluttered, but nothing more. It was a happy feeling in my stomach. I was not used to feeling that way, it kind of made me sick. I guess now I had it all, I was happy, I was a refugee, and had catherine. But like I said earlier nothing ever changes, it all goes back down hill some time or another. I wish it would have stayed the same, me in cathrens arms, but there was a crash. A truck hit us and the car had gone off the road. There was blood and broken glass everywhere. The stereo was still playing but it was distorted. I got up and looked around. Lu was fine, just a few scrapes on her legs, but nothing too bad, and then I saw Cathrine.
The truck directly hit her. She had blood all over her and her legs were most definitely broken. The bone was sticking out of the left one and the right one was twisted. I screamed bloody murder. It was horrible. Lu came around the car and saw me on my knees crying holding Catherine's bloody unconscious body. She grabs her phone out of her pocket and makes a call, within 20 minutes an ambulance shows up for Catherine. I ended up being put in one too. I had a gash in my head that was pouring blood and my nose was broken. I tried to stay with Catherine but we were put into separate rooms. There I was laying in the hospital for the second time that day, worrying about Catherine. I was never a really religious person, but laying in that bed I prayed, I prayed that Catherine would be ok. I prayed that things could go back to the way it was before we ran away. It was hard to see her like that. That picture will always haunt my mind. Her as a bloody mess will always be my worst nightmare.
The cold hospital bed was a memory itself. I had been in it more times than I could count. Starting when I was little, for years, of and on, I was forced into hospitals, because of my mind. I was always asking questions and playing, but I was also morbid. I loved to watch blood flow and look at bones. Death wasn't really sad to me, in fact I wanted to hurt people, because I thought I would feel like god. My mother always said it was because the devil had taken over me, but I don't think that was the issue, I think the issue was the abuse she put me through, but then again I might be wrong, I am wrong on a lot of things. I don't know why but the hospital bed was kind of comforting, like it reminded me of my childhood. It was a sick feeling. Laying there the butterflies were still, it almost felt like they were crying. I needed to help Catherine but I couldn't, I was stuck. It drove me crazy knowing that she was in the next room over, in pain. But I couldn't move, they had the same idea my mother had about me. It hurt me more knowing that Cathren was hurt then the wound itself. I had let her down, it felt like.
Finally the doctor came in and told me that the cut wasn't as bad as it looked, I just bleed alot. After having me sign some paperwork I was allowed to leave. Waited by Catherines door hoping that she was okay, wanting to see her. Soon a doctor walked out of the room and told Lu and me we could go in. I ran in there and saw her in pain. She grabbed my hand and held it. It was quiet but comforting to know she wasn't hurt as bad as I thought. I just looked at her and began to cry, it hurt me to see her.
"I love you," I hear slip from her lips in the most sorrow filled gasp,
"I love you too," I tell her. She still had an emerald sparkle in her eyes as if nothing had happened. Minutes felt like years standing there and I was hoping to grow old with her. Her hand was cold but had a sense of warmth and movement. I just stood there holding her hand trying my best not to lose control. Lose control of my mind and start a fight I can't win, it's better to let things happen and not try to fight against it.
I was lost in my mind again crying trying to find a way to get home. Not where I was but where I needed to be. I imagined a gabled house with shutters in blue. The paint a white and a porch that reminded me of the Victorian place I grew up in. The rocks formed shapes in the front yard that I saw Catheine standing in, it wasn't a whole lot but it was enough. It was a place that made me happier than ever. It reminded me of home, not the place I lived but a place that made me feel safe. I'd say Cathrine is my home sweet home.
I ended up staying there all night trying to keep Cathrine near me. I loved holding her hand but it hurt to see her like this. Lu called Dachi to pick me and her up, but we had to leave Catherine overnight. I didn't sleep at all that night, I couldn't, I was so worried, I stayed up tossing and turning. It was miserable, I just kept thinking of when we were at the hotel and I stole her hoodie and she held me in her arms laying in bed, she rubbed my back and cuddled me, I was faceing her and was nuzzled up to her chest. I would give anything to have that again, the thought of me losing that forever scared me more than my father's wrath. And then I started thinking that it was my fault Catherine was hurt. If I hadn't have had a panic attack I wouldn't have zoned out and we wouldn't have been in the car. If I hadn't had the brilliant idea to run away. It was all my fault. The thoughts sunk deeper and deeper in my mind until eventually even the butterflies were against me. They were whispering that it was all my fault. I didn't deserve Catherine and I had hurt her. I couldn't take knowing what I did. I grabbed the knife out of my bag. It was the same one I used to cut my hair, I pulled down my pants and plunged it into my thigh. The pain was exhilarating. The cut poured blood into a puddle in my pants. The deep red color was almost funny. It reminded me of all my mistakes, I cut my ankles until they were numb, the pain of Catherine was still there, but at this point I was covered in my own blood. I walked with a limp worse than ever to the bathroom and stood in the shower, the hot water blasting made the cut burn and the blood run down my legs. My period would be my excuses if the blood had gotten anywhere else. The blood kept pouring but never ended. After around 30 minutes I wrapped myself in bandages and got dressed. The cuts didn't hurt, it was actually comforting, knowing I had a kill switch for my brain. You know, in case I was to ever end it all, commit suicide. The butterflies flew out my cuts and out my eyes, in the form of blood and tears. I grabbed my notebook and as my last resort, I went to the only thing I had. I wrote shitty poetry in hopes of happiness. I wrote. I wrought until the sun had came up. The writing was my fight. I struggled until Lu walked in my room to wake me. She saw the bloody knife on my desk and cried. My wrists were colored red like lust. There was a salty residue visible on my face, and I had puffy eyes. She looked worried, Lu walked towards me and held me in an embrace. She looked horrified when she saw the marks on my legs and wrists. I heard her voice shake as she cried out "Oh my god, please dont kill your self. Oh I'm so sorry." She looked so upset. It almost made me feel bad about it. But it's hard to feel bad when you can't feel. It almost seemed ironic. How Cathren was in the hospital and Lu told me not to die. It was a sick feeling of hatred and disgust but also helplessness and pain. After everything happened Dachi made breakfast. I almost looked up to him. He somehow managed to stay calm during a disaster. It really made me wonder how we got into such a mess, like what went wrong with my life... What went wrong with me. It was a depressing thought how I would rather throw everything I had away and hurt someone just because of power. It was not a pleasant feeling, which was a weird lineup of events. First nothing then something then back where I started, because of once again, power. Power was the start of all my problems."