S7 Ep 2 " Going To War.'
There's one thing that guarantees Kelly Severide 'losing his shit.' When Stella Kidd is at risk or hurt.......
We all know that in the episode 'Going to War,' Stella ran out of air whilst trying to help Kelly. But did he ever talk to her about what she did for him...?
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"She was trying to save you.!"
Hermann's words rang around his head on a loop constantly. Kelly couldn't sleep at night, reliving her on that gurney, cutting open her T so they could get the electrodes on her chest and then in the trauma room at Med while the docs worked on her, trying to save her life while he stood by helplessly.
Kelly's hand was still bruised from where he had smashed it into the wall in anger and frustration after Hermann had told him why she had run out of air. What the hell had she been thinking?! He didn't know who he was more pissed with, her for risking her life or himself for putting her in that position.
Now driving her home from Med a week later he was split between tearing into her for putting herself in jeopardy or picking her up and wrapping her in his arms and never letting her go.
"You know I don't need nursing so you don't have to stay with me." Stella broke the silence in the car. She turned to look at him, her teeth worrying her bottom lip. Kelly had been virtually monotone for days and it was unsettling her. Other than when he first saw her in the post-op recovery room, when he had been teasing, gentle and loving all at the same time, he had subsequently retreated from her. She had been trying to make eye contact with him for the dozenth time just today but failing. He had become adept at avoiding her eyes and any meaningful conversation.
"Kelly?"
"Yeah? Sorry I was miles away."
" I can see that. I was saying you don't have to stay and nurse me. I know you don't like my apartment much!"
What?.. he glanced across at her. "That's not true.." He denied, cursing at a truck that had pulled out in front of him. "Fucks sake!"
He was frowning, face set in hard lines.
Stella sighed. He didn't seem like he was in the best mood. "Hermann's apartment isn't the Loft... it's easier for me to stay there as all my things are there. But I don't expect you to stay with me." Stella was allowing him the opportunity to escape back to his own home, thinking maybe he needed some space. There was definitely something off with him. Kelly Severide didn't have the ability to camouflage angst.
"I'll survive." He replied wryly. "Anyway, I want to take care of you."
Smiling absently he took her hand and squeezed it. She thought he meant to reassure her but had failed. Inwardly she sighed wondering if they were returning to the Kelly who shut down and pushed up the barriers. He had done the same thing after the house fire when Otis had got shot and her radio had taken a bullet, effectively saving her life. It was only after she had confronted him about continuously dodging her that he had let her in, and showed her how he really felt about her.
Later on that evening, Kelly cooked her dinner while Stella rested on the bed, refusing to let her do anything despite her arguments.
"Babe, I return to work soon so I need to get used to looking after myself. " She got off the bed to wander over to him.
"Dr Rhodes said you need to take it easy." Kelly glanced over from where he was trying to make himself comfortable on the second-hand couch that was just a bit too lumpy to be anything other than a 'make-do,', t.v remote in one hand getting ready for the Black Hawks game. Stella prayed that Hermann's dodgy cable package would play ball so to speak and not let her down which it invariably did every few days.
"I told you I want to take care of you and you wouldn't come to the Loft....so here we are." He shrugged his attention on the t.v.
" I'm just saying, you don't have to wait on me hand and foot."
"I want to. I love my apartment but I love you more....now shut up and let me watch the game!" He patted the space on the couch next to him and she sat down, cuddling herself into his side, his arm going around her.
Fifteen minutes later, Hermann's cable t.v did let him down and the transmission cut out repeatedly making it impossible to keep up with the game.
Stella gave him an apologetic look.
"Sorry..."
Kelly sighed, "No biggy. " He turned off the t.v got up and went to the fridge and grabbed a beer but didn't come back to the couch, staying behind the counter, leaning on the surface.
"Kelly?" Stella turned around on the couch towards him.
"Yeah?"
"What's wrong?"
He took a swig of beer before answering. His eyes hooded.
"Nothing.... I told you the game's not a biggy."
She got up and went round to where he was standing, his face betraying a little apprehension as she stopped in front of him. Kelly hated difficult conversations. Particularly with women. But Stella wasn't someone who ran away from hearing things she didn't want to hear, so she was gonna get some answers.
"That's not what I mean. Something is eating at you. I can see it in your face, the way you're avoiding looking at me."
Her eyes were soft and appealing, asking him to share whatever was going on in that head of his.
Kelly looked for delaying tactics thinking about how vulnerable she looked. Her hair was piled up on top of her head, her face still a little pale after being laid up for a week and there were slight shadows under her eyes. Guilt punched him in the gut again, thinking for the hundredth time that week how she had almost died. Because of him. How could he possibly be any good for her? Yet the thought of being without her made his heart sink
The heaviness of the weight of his thoughts must have shown on his face.
"Kelly?"
"It's what you did." He said bluntly.
Stella's forehead creased. "What I did?"
"Yeah.... letting yourself run out of air. I can't get it out of my head.... you nearly died or lost your lung and your career."
"But I didn't die...or lose my lung." Stella counteracted.
"That doesn't make it ok with me Stella. If you had died...." His eyes flared with blue sparks
"Hey.. stop it. That was on me."
"No, Stella! It was on me! You knew you were running out of air and you didn't tell Hermann.... you nearly died......all because of me. You were lucky Casey and the others talked Rhodes around or you'd be looking for a new job!" His voice had risen a little and there was an unspoken accusation in his eyes.
"I couldn't leave you, Kelly." Her brown eyes held his, the depth of what she felt for him staring right back at him.
"And if you had died.....that's exactly what you would have done. Left me."
There was a morose silence when both fought their separate battles about each other. Stella's mouth went dry.
The naked vulnerability and trauma from that nearly fatal situation was starkly reflected in his face.
"Are you mad at me?" She asked quietly.
"Yes. No.... I don't know. " Kelly ran an agitated hand through his hair, looking upset and she thought a little angry.
She went round to him and took the beer out of his hand, putting it down and wrapped her arms around him laying her head on his chest.
"I'm sorry." Her murmured apology was resigned, reluctantly realising that the last thing Kelly needed from her was to be a martyr.
After a long second Kelly's arms went around her, his lips in her hair. A deep sigh came from somewhere within him or it might have been a tremor.
"I can't be without you, Stella."
She raised her head to look up at him and realised that in her desperation to help him, she had inadvertently nearly sent him to hell. A hell that Kelly had already been to before with Shay and then Anna. What had made her think he would have survived it again?
"I know." She whispered, her arms tightening around him, knowing that saving Kelly's life and losing hers would have been the same as letting him die.