STRAITJACKET FEELING
CARLISLE WAS THE ONLY one who stayed calm. Centuries of experience in the emergency room were evident in his quiet, authoritative voice.
"Emmett, Rosalie, get Jasper outside."
Unsmiling for once, Emmett nodded. "Come on, Jasper."
Jasper struggled against Emmett's unbreakable grasp, twisting around, reaching toward his brother with his bared teeth, his eyes still past reason.
Rosalie pulled off of me reluctantly, turning to check me first. Her eyes were pitch black. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen that. They furrowed with worry, but I mouthed 'go', calming down myself. She knew what the understanding in my eyes meant.
Her divine face turned strangely smug, disappearing from in front of me and reappearing down in front of Jasper—keeping a careful distance from his teeth. She helped Emmett wrestle him through the glass door that Esme held open, one hand pressed over her mouth and nose.
Esme's heart-shaped face was ashamed. "I'm so sorry, Bella." She cried as she followed the others into the yard. I was already making my way down the stairs in a scramble to get to my sister's side.
Edward's face was whiter than bone, crouched over my sister in a clearly defensive position. A low warning growl slid from between his clenched teeth as Carlisle approached. I could tell that he wasn't breathing.
"Let me by, Edward." Carlisle murmured.
A second passed, and then Edward nodded slowly and relaxed his stance.
Carlisle knelt down beside Bella, leaning close to examine her arm. I approached gingerly, careful of all the glass in my new heels. Bella's face was still frozen with shock as I crouched at her other side, brushing her hair away from her face with a frown, squeezing her shoulder to anchor her. She had never done well with blood. My voice was low, barely a murmur. "Don't look."
"Here, Carlisle." Alice said, handing him a towel.
I kept my eyes fixed on Bella's, and she stared right back. In my peripheral view, I could see Carlisle shaking his head. "Too much glass in the wound."
He reached over and ripped a long, thin scrap from the bottom of the white tablecloth. He twisted it around Bella's arm above the elbow to form a tourniquet. I could see Bella turning a familiar shade of green.
"Grace." Carlisle said softly. "Do you want me to drive you both to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?"
"Here, please." Bella whispered.
"Charlie will know anyway." I frowned at Bella. "You need stitches."
Bella shook her head, before swaying a little—the movement hadn't done her good. I gripped her shoulder harder, keeping her steady. "Hey, look at me. Look at me Bella. Breathe with your mouth."
"But I can taste it then." She argued weakly. I can't help my soft snort. She was ridiculous.
"I'll get your bag." Alice said.
"Let's take her to the kitchen table." Carlisle said to Edward, and I stood up, getting out of the way.
Edward lifted her effortlessly, while Carlisle kept the pressure steady on her arm. "How are you doing, Bella?"
"I'm fine." Her voice was reasonably steady, at least.
Edward's face was like stone. I knew he was seeing what I saw, but I couldn't help myself. My mind kept flashing to that day in Phoenix. How she'd looked when they brought her out of there. How close to death she had been. This had been a fucking papercut. How many times a year did the average human get a papercut? Bella's odds with accidents and blood were easily much higher than average. This was never going to work.
Alice was there. Carlisle's black bag was already on the table, a small but brilliant desk light plugged into the wall. Edward sat Bella gently into a chair, and Carlisle pulled up another. He went to work at once.
Edward stood over Bella, still protective, still not breathing.
"Just go, Edward." Bella sighed.
"I can handle it." He insisted. But his jaw was rigid; his eyes burned with the intensity of the thirst he fought, so much worse for him than it was for the others.
"You don't need to be a hero." Bella said. "Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air."
She winced as Carlisle gently dabbed antiseptic on her arm.
"I'll stay." Edward reacted.
"Why are you so masochistic?" She mumbled.
Carlisle decided to intercede. "Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now."
"Yes." Bella eagerly agreed. "Go find Jasper."
"You might as well do something useful." Alice added.
My thoughts were pretty clear on what I couldn't say in front of my sister. His face turned to me, eyebrows furrowing together. I raised a soft eyebrow back. If anyone noticed the brief interaction, they didn't speak on it. Edward nodded once and sprinted smoothly through the kitchen's back door. I was certain he hadn't taken a breath since Bella had sliced her finger.
And then it was my turn. "Grace? You'll be late for your date."
My eyes drifted up to the clock on the wall. How was it seven thirty already? I was on the wrong side of town. Adam's car was at Charlie's, I'd have to get to that first and then get to him. "Can I use your cellphone? I'll cancel, he'll understand."
"Don't be ridiculous, go." Bella insisted, and I gave her a look. "Gracie this isn't the first time I'm getting stitches. It's fine. Go."
No, I don't care about your stitches, I care about you becoming an all you can eat buffet. I trusted the Cullens, and I didn't believe them to be monsters, but it would be unfair to dangle blood like this in front of them and not expect at least someone to make a mistake. They were immortal, not perfect. "I'm not leaving you alone."
"Yes, you are." Alice put an end to that. "Rosalie will drop you off home to get Adam's car. She needs the drive. You need to talk to her."
"Fine." I was worried for her at once. I glanced at Bella, but she shook her head with a smile.
"Go. Have fun. Tell Adam to burn my present." Bella half-jokes.
I wasn't sure if Adam got her a present at all, but I wasn't going to tell her that. "I hope you like my present."
And with that, I was out the kitchen door. It didn't take long to find Rosalie. She was waiting for me, engine running, staring out the side away from me as I climbed into the car. She sighed. "You'll make me leave you."
"Alice?" I don't know why I'm surprised by how quickly Alice had told her. I wasn't as surprised that Alice had seen my choice.
"I don't want to." Rosalie still wasn't looking at me, shifting gear. "I won't."
"We can't co-exist." My voice was soft, and I looked down at my hands in shame as I finally said my worst fears aloud. My hands were soft, thin-skinned. So easily cut open. "You saw that tonight."
"I know." There was resolution in her voice, at least. That's what the smug look had been about. She had seen that the whole family had witnessed what she had been warning them about for months. She couldn't have it both ways. She couldn't have her 'I told you so' moment, and me. "It's been so nice to pretend with you, Gracie. I'm not ready to let that go yet. We were supposed to have until the end of college."
"We can't." I whisper, jaw clenching as I fought tears. Don't do it, Gracie. Don't. Fake eyelashes. "I won't put your family in danger anymore. It's not safe. You know that. This can only end in two ways, and I don't want to put any of you through either of that. We have to put an end to this."
"We'll do what your sister did with Charlie, then. You'll fake a fight, we'll leave. Just you, me and Emmett. There won't be any accidents." Rosalie was blind. I couldn't believe she would even consider this.
"We can't." My voice is soft with hurt. "You can't make me choose. Not if you care about me, Rose, and I know you do."
"So you want me to leave." She was upset with me. Her tone was cutting, accusing.
But I knew Edward's choice had already been made. I knew the others would listen to him. I knew this nightmare would soon be over. And though I would be sad for the good moments to end, this would be for the best. This would keep all of us safe. "I won't be the end of your humanity. If I could be the one to leave, I would."
Her jaw clenches, but she still refuses to look at me. Her knuckles are white wrapped around the steering wheel as she revs, turning the corner out of the private lane and onto the winding wood-lined road. "Fine. I guess this is goodbye."
God did that sting.
I was in a daze my entire drive to Adam's, and he noticed at once, eyebrows furrowed as he climbed into the passenger side of his own car with a bouquet of pink tulips. "The hell happened?"
I shook out of it, smiling at him. "Nothing. Hi. Come here."
The kiss anchored me, brought me back to reality. I sighed with relief against his lips, pulling him in again when he moved to leave me, hands moving around his neck. "Hi."
"Hi." He repeated, chuckling between kisses. "Mmm, as much as I want this to keep going, we're gonna miss dinner."
"It's takeout, right?" I'm confused, trying to spy around for any bags. Maybe we were picking it up on the way to the cabin. Adam chuckled, shaking his head. He was entirely empty-handed, in fact, dressed simply in the leather jacket I often stole over a grey Green Day t-shirt. I had long since given up on Adam putting in effort, and to be fair to him, we were spending the night at his cabin. It wasn't anywhere special. "Adam please tell me it's takeout. And did you forget my present?"
"Patience, kid, patience." He chuckled, shaking a hand through his damp hair.
Whatever I was expecting, it wasn't this. Ed and Toby were just leaving the cabin when we arrived, winking and bro-hugging Adam before they disappeared into the night in Ed's beat up yellow van. The tiny, one-bedroom cabin was filled with scattered mismatched candles, and at first the very sight of them made me panic. We were surrounded by nothing but wood, every inch, every surface, the walls, the floors, the ceilings, the furniture—candles were very, very much a no-go. Adam was upset with me as I ran to put them all out, frantically yelling at him to join me. But it was still cute with the scattered rose petals and the wood burning stove in the corner crackling away.
Toby had lent us his laptop so we could watch his ironically pirated copy of Pirates of the Caribbean by the fire, lying on Sam's hideous black and white shag carpet with a quilt over us both to keep us toasty. Dinner was a box of pizza—it was cold, I didn't know when Toby and Ed had brought it over, but we tried to fix that by holding it by the fire. The cabin still had a lot of work to be done before we could be cooking full meals there.
I called Charlie, checked in to make sure Bella made it home. He wasn't happy about having to wish me happy birthday on the phone because he hadn't seen me all day, but he was glad I had fun. Reluctantly, as I reminded him I was eighteen again, he relented to me staying the night with Adam. And so we retired to the lonely mattress on the floor in the middle of the small bedroom, tugging clothes off along the way as we kissed. It was easy to forget what had happened hours earlier. Easy to be with my favorite distraction. Easy to let go.
The next day felt normal. I drove Adam to work, and drove straight from the cabin to school. We kept spare clothes there, but none of my makeup, so I'd thought ahead and kept some in the car. I spent the minutes before the first bell chatting with Jess and Angela as they kept me company in Adam's car, doing my makeup in the rearview mirror. School seemed pretty normal. Edward was off, and I knew why. Alice wasn't at school at all. He didn't tell me why she wasn't there, or where Rosalie and Emmett had gone. I didn't ask. In fact, I pointedly ignored him, chatting away with my human friends. If Bella seemed to notice she didn't say anything, too busy worrying over Edward.
She would be sad, at first. They were unusually attached after all, and he was her first love. That would be a hard loss. But eventually, she would move on. She wouldn't have a choice. She'd find someone better, someone who could give her a real life. My mind couldn't help but drift to sweet, funny Jacob Black. She already had options here. Worst case scenario, she'd move to Jacksonville with Renée. Finally be happy returned to her precious sunlight.
Work was fun. I mostly worked with the same four middle aged men, but a few of them interchanged with part-timers that came and went. Big Pete's eldest daughter, Maggie, had baked me a cute very messy cake that we all cut into with a candle lit (and half-burned) by a blow torch. And then we were back to joking around while I repaired a janky alternator.
It happens the next day. I'd been expecting it, but I didn't know when it would happen, and I didn't think it would be this abrupt. Of course it would take them very little time at all to leave. They'd probably had several exit plans prepared long before they ever arrived in Forks.
I was at work when I got the call from Charlie. He was worried over Bella, her truck was at home but she wasn't. She'd left a note saying she was going for a walk with Edward up the trail in the woods that led from our house. It was getting dark out. I was supposed to be coming home soon too. The scandal was already spreading all across town—The Cullens were gone.
The drive home was long. I was certain Bella had to be home already by the time I arrived, Edward cared too much for her to leave her anywhere dangerous. But the spike of fear lingered that things had not ended well. Another papercut, maybe a scratch. Edward had lost control and my sister was gone before any of us had even noticed. No, I couldn't let myself think this way. I trusted Edward to have finally decided to do what was right. Well. I trusted that the images I'd kept playing in my head in his presence would be enough to sway his decision, at least.
My mind drifted, as it often did, to his sister. Would Rosalie stay at Washington State? No, they would be long gone by now. She needed a clean break as much as I did. I missed her already, but the melancholy would leave me eventually. I was too sure of my decision for it to get any worse. I knew I had never belonged in her world, but the truth I had learned on my birthday was that she had never belonged in mine either. The more we stayed the more we would hurt each other. I couldn't hurt her anymore.
And, eventually, I believed; I would stop aching for her.
The scene that greeted me at home was one of my worst nightmares. Red and blue flashing lights, dozens of people, barking German Shepherds on leashes—and no sign of Bella. Adam stood beside my father with his father, pouring over a map spread out against the hood of Charlie's cruiser. Other men lingered behind them with flashlights. It felt like I was wading through water screeching to a halt in the middle of the road, rushing to get to them. "What happened? Where is she? She's not—"
"We don't know, it could've been hours, it could've been one." Charlie tells me with a grim expression, in official Chief Swan mode as Adam pulls me into his arms for comfort. "She didn't call you? Didn't tell you anything?"
"No—Edward left. The Cullens left, right? That's what you told me." I frown. "He must have taken her out to say goodbye. Maybe she kept walking, to clear her head like I do."
That was a terrible thing to think of. Bella in any kind of nature was a serious hazard. She could've killed herself tripping over a tree root.
"That's what we're all thinking." Adam tells me, voice gentle, as if I'm going to break.
"We're moving in teams. We've gridded the whole area, you see this? This is the house. That bit's right there. What trail do you usually take?" Charlie tried to show me how to read the map.
"I kinda go off-trail pretty quickly." I grimace. "There's an overturned log, I go over that and take a different route every time. There's one spot I go to more than the others, it's about two miles out, maybe three. I don't think Bella could get that far. I think we're looking in this zone here. She's probably squat down somewhere, she'd get tired. I can't see her going off-trail either."
We wait for the last groups to arrive first, though a few forest rangers have ventured out in pairs along the trails to eliminate at least that. Billy and Jacob Black are some of the last to arrive, equally worried over Bella. I could tell from the looks Billy was giving me that he thought something very different had happened with the Cullens, but I shook my head subtly when no one was looking. He took relief in that.
My entire body sagged with relief when she came out before any of us could go in. Bella was awake but hardly coherent, carried in the broad arms of a vaguely familiar Quileute man. I was a little confused by why he was bare-chested, but I didn't care. "Dad."
He turned to face the same thing I was, and then we were sprinting across the lawn, both just as fast. The man spoke, gingerly carrying her. "She's all right!"
Charlie was quick to take her from his arms, but it was clear he struggled with her weight. The man had made it look effortless. "I got her. Thank you, Sam."
Bella cuddled in closer to Dad, clearly freezing and wet and exhausted. I was already turned around, looking at the large crowd staring at us. "Ambulance? Guys, come on! Where the hell are the EMTs?"
"No, I don't think she's hurt." Sam followed me and Charlie towards the ambulance, where the EMTs were rushing over to meet us halfway. "She just keeps saying 'He's gone.'"
"Bells? Hey, Belly-Bee, look at me. Come on, open those pretty eyes." I stepped into place beside Charlie, brushing her hair back away from her face. "Are you all right?"
"Gracie?" Her voice was so terribly small it broke my heart.
"I'm right here, Bells."
Charlie hefted her up, struggling. "Maybe I should hold on to her."
"I've got her." Charlie repeated, a little breathless.
It was chaos after that. We got her on a stretcher in the ambulance, Dr. Gerandy was already waiting to check on her. I ran to and fro from the house to get her blankets from the cupboard at the top of the stairs. It wasn't until Dr. Gerandy deemed her fine, aside from some exhaustion, that we moved her into the house and settled her on the couch, beneath a mound of blankets. I got to making hot cocoa for her quickly, Jacob and Adam helping me. We walked back into the living room just in time for most of the men of town to be leaving.
"Is it true?" Charlie whispered as I passed him. "Did they leave?"
"Dr. Cullen asked us not to say anything." Dr. Gerandy answered. "The offer was very sudden; they had to choose immediately. Carlisle didn't want to make a big production out of leaving."
"A little warning might have been nice." Charlie grumbled. My stomach twinged with guilt. This was my fault. I hadn't expected Bella to react like this.
Dr. Gerandy sounded uncomfortable when he replied. "Yes, well, in this situation, some warning might have been called for."
Bella drifted in and out of alertness, never once touching the hot cocoa I had brought and made for her. I watched over her like a hawk, sat in the armchair with my elbows on my knees. Charlie thanked every single one of the volunteers as, one by one, they left. Adam kissed my head as he said goodbye, just as exhausted as everyone else. It was already the early hours of the morning. I offered Mr. Wexler a wave and a mouthed 'thank you' as they both nodded and left last.
Charlie and I took turns watching over her, and equally just as long together. She still wasn't saying a word when she had her eyes open, vacant. It was kind of terrifying. I kept waiting for the shock to wear off. Every time the phone rang, I'd bolt up and out to catch it before it could wake her. I'd mutter reassurances in a low voice to all the callers.
"Yeah, we found her. She's okay. She got lost. She's fine now. Thanks for checking in." I said over and over again.
Charlie was already asleep in the armchair when the phone rang again. I moaned, pushing myself off my bed—I kept the door open, this was the closest I could manage to be with them without sharing the couch with Bella and waking her up—rushing, stumbling, to the kitchen.
"Swan residence." I answered on autopilot, and yawned.
"Gracie honey?" It was Mrs. Stanley, again. "Is your Dad in?"
"Dad?" I whispered into the dark. I heard the springs in the armchair groan as he got himself up. He took over the phone, humming, much more alert after a minute.
"Where?" There was a pause. "You're sure it's outside the reservation?" Another short pause. "But what could be burning out there?" He sounded both worried and mystified, and I frowned, curious. "Look, I'll call down there and check it out."
He hung up, ringing up another number. "Hey, Billy, it's Charlie—sorry I'm calling so early... no, she's fine. She's sleeping... Thanks, but that's not why I called. I just got a call from Mrs. Stanley, and she says that from her second-story window she can see fires out on the sea cliffs, but I didn't really... Oh!" Suddenly he looked mad. "And why are they doing that? Uh huh. Really?" He said it sarcastically, an edge to his voice. "Well, don't apologize to me. Yeah, yeah. Just make sure the flames don't spread... I know, I know, I'm surprised they got them lit at all in this weather."
Charlie hesitated, and then added grudgingly. "Thanks for sending Sam and the other boys up. You were right—they do know the forest better than we do... Yeah, I'll talk to you later." He agreed, still sour, before hanging up.
"Do I wanna know?" I kept my voice low. Charlie sulked, shaking his head, muttering something incoherent as he shuffled back to the living room. I followed him, surprised to find Bella awake and listening.
"What's wrong?" Her voice nearly made me jump.
We jolted, rushing to her side. "I'm sorry we woke you, Belly-bee."
"Is something burning?"
"It's nothing." Charlie assured us both. "Just some bonfires out on the cliffs."
"Bonfires?" Bella asked. Her voice worried me. It didn't sound curious, it sounded dead.
Charlie and I shared a frown. "Some of the kids from the reservation being rowdy." He explained.
"Why?" She wondered dully, her eyes still creepily vacant.
I could tell he didn't want to answer. I understood before the words came out. "They're celebrating the news." His tone was bitter.
"Because the Cullens left." Bella whispered. "They don't like the Cullens in La Push—I'd forgotten about that."
"It's ridiculous." Charlie spluttered. It really wasn't as ridiculous as he might have thought.
We all sat in silence for a moment, my fingers stroking through Bella's hair. She leaned against me, just like when we were kids, silently seeking comfort. The sky was no longer black outside the window. Somewhere behind the rain, the sun was beginning to rise.
"Bella?" Charlie asked.
She didn't lift her head from my shoulder, only her eyes moved to him.
"He left you alone in the woods?" Charlie guessed.
She flinched against me. "How did you know where to find me?" She was becoming more aware now, more present.
"Your note." Charlie answered, surprised. He reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out the same much-abused piece of paper he'd showed everyone. It was dirty and damp, with multiple creases from being opened and refolded many times. He unfolded it again, and held it up as evidence. The messy handwriting was remarkably close to Bella's, and the first time I saw it I had expected nothing less.
Going for a walk with Edward, up the path.
Back soon, B.
"When you didn't come back, I called the Cullens, and no one answered." Charlie said in a low voice. "Then I called the hospital, and Dr. Gerandy told me that Carlisle was gone."
"Where did they go?" She mumbled.
He stared at her. "Didn't Edward tell you?"
Bella shook her head, recoiling. She didn't like hearing his name. The wound was too raw for now.
"What about Rosalie?" Charlie asked me.
"We had a fight on my birthday." I lie, already prepared. "I haven't talked to her since."
Charlie's eyes flickered between us doubtfully as he answered. "Carlisle took a job with a big hospital in Los Angeles. I guess they threw a lot of money at him."
Sunny L.A. The last place they would really go. My lips twitched at the inside joke.
"I want to know if Edward left you alone out there in the middle of the woods." Charlie insisted, tone a little harsher.
"Dad." I gave him a warning look, cutting at my neck out of view from Bella.
But Bella was already rushing to defend him, a little hysterical. Charlie had opened the floodgates. "It was my fault. He left me right here on the trail, in sight of the house... but I tried to follow him..."
Charlie started to say something; Bella covered her ears like a child. "I can't talk about this anymore, Dad. I want to go to my room."
Before either of us could say anything, she had scrambled up from the couch and lurched her way up the stairs.
The Bella I had known my entire life never came back from that bedroom.