02
LOVE MANY THINGS
IT WAS DIFFICULT TO HAVE bravery and kindness when it came to her father. She was only four and he worked her to the bone since she showed incredible firebending capabilities. No matter how many times her mother pleaded for him to go easy on her, he never listened and only did the opposite. San hated how her mother would cry herself to sleep on most nights. She hated her father. She hated.
He was not husband nor father first and foremost, he was a patriot first and foremost and he made that clear enough. The love he had for his nation was far larger than the love for his family. The loyalty he had for his Fire Lord ran deeper than the bonds he was meant to have with his wife and daughter. To put it simply, his ambition was far greater than his care for his loved ones. As soon as he found out San was (practically) the sun, he saw an opportunity. There was no genuine soft love in his eyes like the ones in her mother's. Just raw eagerness to turn her into something she wasn't. But San was too young and unsure of how to rebel so she followed whatever her father ordered her to do and worked to the bone — even if her lungs were on fire and her muscles ached for weeks.
Before she was to be the nation's weapon, he made sure she was his secret weapon first. He decided her education to be better done home-schooled than have her attend the famous Royal Fire Academy for Girls. San didn't show it but she was disappointed. She wanted to make friends her age but she was rarely let outside and barely had free time to spare. Honestly, she'd do anything to stop hearing her father rant about how she was lucky to have been 'chosen' again. He made it sound like fate spun the wheel and the arrow landed on her during her birth. San believed in fate but her father made her wish she hadn't.
"If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt. If you know yourself but not your enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle." Was the saying her father drilled into her head ever since she was six. Now she was eight and she could recite it by heart.
Her father was drawn to violence like moths to a flame. San was repulsed by it like two same poles of a magnet. Although during this Hundred Year War, she knew it had to be inevitable — she'd only resort to bringing death upon another's life if deemed absolutely necessary. That being said, she knew better than to say such a belief in her father's face.
Sometimes, San wondered what goes on inside his head. Perhaps he's being fed by the decadent delicacies dear to his demons on a long pine table with Satan crooning in his ear, wrapped around his neck drenched in the sweat of sinners. She wanted to believe there is some better version of himself deep down, a quality her mother had seen before he succumbed to his greed, but she could never see it.
"The Fire Nation is the greatest nation and to wield the element of fire is of the utmost blessing," he'd say. "It's even more of a blessing that you hold the sun spirit's heart within you and you'd do well to make the Fire Nation proud one day. To make me proud. Fire is destruction, unforgiving, and you must treat it as such. Revel in the disastrous power you have in the palm of your hands and don't be afraid to use it by giving it your all. Don't hold back."
But San was afraid of burning the things she loved and being unable to stop it from spreading.
"No! You cannot be afraid of fire! You must relish it! Burn. Burn your soul and your heart and emit such power the fauna will tremble before you."
San had enough of her father's voice echoing in her ears like the insides of a conch. She yelled angrily and produced a devouring white flame from her palms, a titanium white glow staining her surroundings chasing away payne's grey shadows and when she opened her eyes, the flames vanished, but the fauna nearby appeared dazed and acted sloshed with shut eyes, temporarily blinded by the light. She inhaled.
Guilt was a grey monster eating away at her brain's behind, chewing on the pink and spitting it out as if it were bubblegum. Except San did not feel guilt towards temporarily blinding the fauna. She was guilty because seizing that kind of power felt good. So much control within her fingertips. The flames hadn't touched a speck of nature and it had been all her doing, her will, within her control. She was proud of herself.
"Excellent! You make me proud."
And her father was too for the first time. San had never seen him smile so wide and laugh so freely before.
"Mama! Mama! Father smiled today. And laughed!"
"Really?" Diya put down the book she was reading on her lap and eagerly listened to her daughter. "And why is that?"
"It's because he's proud of me. I mastered my firebending better."
"That's amazing, San. I'm proud of you too." She praised and watched with so much love as her daughter beamed. Then she shifted to the side and made some space in the chair for her daughter to sit on as well. A little cramp but it seemed as if she didn't mind. "Tell me, he didn't force you to do anything you were uncomfortable with doing, right?"
"No, Mama." She shook her head. "I accidentally blinded some animals but I think they would be fine."
"Let's hope so." Diya said and uttered a small prayer for them, absently running her fingers through her daughter's hair. A thoughtfully hazy look crossed her golden eyes which didn't go unnoticed. "Is something the matter, dear?"
"I have questions. Why is father so obsessed with making our nation a better place? Are we really in danger?"
Diya froze, surprised by the questions slipping out of her daughter's lips. She remained silent for a moment to think carefully about her next words and then resumed to combing through her hair.
"Listen closely to me, San. Your father is, well, as you know, very supportive of our country. He loves it very much and wants what's best for it. Which means he respects the Fire Lord's ambition and wants to help expand the Fire Nation. Naturally, he is obsessed with making our nation a better place because he's simply a Fire Nation citizen who loves it and wants to contribute as much as he can to the war."
"But why is there a war?" She pushed on. "Can't we all live in peace?"
"If only the Avatar were here." Diya sighed, a gentle sort of sorrow fogging up her eyes. "They disappeared a hundred years just before the war began and no one has any idea as to where they are now."
"Father says it's a good thing the Avatar isn't here, because then nothing can get in the way of the Fire Nation expanding." San said thoughtfully. "He says it like it's a blessing but I wonder what the other nations would think. Sometimes, I feel like he lies to me, Mama. About why this war is really happening. About the Fire Nation being the best and the greatest."
"San, I want to give you something." Her mother changed the topic smoothly and took out a necklace from her pocket. The pendant attached to it was an emblem with a dragon forming a circle, the centre space taken up by a drawing of the sun. "This has been passed down from my family for generations. Now, I want you to have it."
She wrapped it around her daughter's neck and helped her put it on.
"Every time you have this with you, remember to always have courage and be kind. Balance your kindness with your cleverness and when you wield such power, never forget to be polite. Promise me."
"I promise, Mama."
San would often feel as if she trod between two separate worlds. With her father, she had grown used to staring into empty eyes so cold, cold bereft of love with only room for greed. He'd hold a flint and steel at hand and ignite her then leave her to burn. Left with aching bones, strained muscles, parched throat, starving stomach. Sometimes, she wanted to spit in his face and scream: I am not weapon, I am child!! alas, San was not a raging celestial but the forgiving sun who lifted spirits and tucked a golden heart in her chest so she remained quiet and obedient and kind. She was made of all the words her mother sung to her in lullabies and not her father's vexed threats telling her to pay back the cruel world with cruelty of her own. No, San would one day bite her father's hand and become his karma by growing stronger everyday and yet remaining kind above all, to prove that to survive, you could also love.
And San loved many things. She loved her mother's recipes and the food she knead and cooked with her own hardworking hands, occasionally helping her too by standing on her feet and stirring a pot of soup together, singing under their breaths a joyous tune. She loved her mother's melodious voice whenever she whispered lullabies and sung her heart out during her father's absence at home, playing along the veena and teaching San how to dance without a care in the world. She loved learning more about the world through the stories her mother recited for her before she fell into deep slumber through the night.
And San will begin to love the spirit who saved her life in her dreams.
✷
IN HER EPHEMERAL ETHEREAL DREAMS, San would sit on the cotton candy clouds and eat them: they were as sweet as sugar and as fluffy as sheep. Then she'd wake up and forget the specifics of her dream, only left with a lingering sense of serenity and joy making her wish she could've stayed in her dream longer.
But tonight's dream didn't feel temporary and she didn't wake up in the nest of the sugary clouds. Instead, she found herself sitting on a bed of flower petals. She gasped in awe, burying her hands into them. She couldn't seem to feel the ground beneath the petals and they were all of different shades of yellow and purple. If only she could see the area from above would she be able to make out a pattern although from the centre where she sat, she'd assume the yellow petals formed a sun on a background of purple.
Suddenly, a gentle gust of wind blew from the north, making the petals flutter but moving none out of place.
San closed her eyes and by the time she opened them, large golden eyes stared into identical ones belonging to a dragon. Despite its sudden appearance, she refused to flinch nor scream. The aureum scales arranged down his back in rows were magnificent and as terrifying as he was due to the sheer size of him, something about him felt friendly. Perhaps it was how soft his eyes were.
"Hm. It's good to see you're growing up healthy." The dragon spoke. He spoke. Before he did, he had glided around her in observation.
"Thank you?" Were the first words she said. "Who are you, Sir?"
"My name is Tai Yang. I am the sun spirit and my heart resides in you."
"Woah! My mama did say you were a dragon but I always thought you were an itsy-bitsy one." She admitted innocuously, gesturing with her hands to indicate an imagined size. According to her imagination, Tai Yang would've been no larger than a squirrel toad.
His shining golden brows furrowed. "Your mother didn't mention how large I was?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Really? How insulting." He muttered but she heard him nonetheless. "But how could you think dragons to be so small, child?"
"Because Mama said your heart resides in mine and a heart of a grandeur creature can't fit my body."
"I shrunk my heart into the size of a pearl for you." He explained briefly, resting before her. "And because of me, you are able to firebend. Tell me, how does it feel like?"
"Exhilarating, but sometimes scary. Fire can be a delicate thing. My father says it's cold, ruthless, and I should use it unrestrained. My mama said it's the essence of life, full of warmth and energy, but I must learn to treat it kindly and control it carefully because it can just as easily bring destruction as it supports creation. Their words confuse me from time to time but... I think I'll understand more as I grow older," the eight-year-old contemplated before answering.
"You will." Tai Yang reassured. "It will be up to you to figure out how you want to firebend in the future and what you will use your fire for. Fire is many things. As you grow older, you will face obstacles and— What are you doing to my scales, child?"
Whilst he was talking, San had snuck over to his side and ran her hand across his gilded scales, in awe of how smooth they felt. "You're so pretty, Mr. Tai Yang. You feel pretty too. How come I'm dreaming about you today? Usually, I would dream about eating the clouds."
"Goodness, why did I think you were a wise child just a second ago?" He mumbled and if he could roll his eyes, he would. "I'm honestly not so sure myself. Perhaps your dreams about me will be spontaneous. After all, you and I are close enough to almost be considered one."
San nodded along, too lazy to have asked what spontaneous meant.
"So how did the clouds taste like?"
"Like candy!" She gave a toothy little grin upon being asked. "But sometimes, they taste rough and I don't know why."
"That's most likely because you're trying to eat your pillow instead."
"Oh..." San trailed off then made a face. Silence seeped through the spaces between them before she broke it once more, "Will you ever leave me?"
"Only if you die."
"That's blunt." She deadpanned. "But if that's the case, then I promise I won't die. I'll live and fight if I must. I've only met you today but you're super awesome and super shiny and I've always wanted a pet dragon."
"I'm not your pet." He seethed at her, smoke blowing out of his nostrils. San was unfazed.
"Then a friend." She corrected herself. "You'll be my first friend, Mr. Tai Yang!"
"Ouch. How lonely are you really to declare a dragon in your dreams your first friend?"
"I didn't say you were my only friend." She lied.
"Lying isn't good for you, child."
"I have a name. It's San."
"Lying isn't good for you, San."
"And I could say the same to you, that I must be your only friend because we are almost one and I don't think you've talked to anyone for a super long time."
"You're right." He admitted begrudgingly, resting his head on his scaly arm. "Before I helped you live, I talked to your mother years ago. You were a really tiny baby, like the size of a peanut."
"Peanut? You're exaggerating!"
"Eh. Point is, I saved your life. So you better keep that promise and live a long fulfilling life until your hair turns grey or something."
Once upon an eternal time ago, Tai Yang loved humans. He loved humans so much he helped to keep balance in the world by sacrificing his immortality for the mortal form of a dragon and to observe them up close. His love for them had been shattered and scattered across the pit of his soul when he found out humans were the ones who begun the Hundred Year War and hunted down his species remorselessly. Despite such, somewhere deep down, he had hope for this human in particular when he decided to save her eight years ago. He could only hope this one won't break his heart (literally and figuratively) and disappoint him.
But so far, in spite of his grumpy attitude, he admitted he liked seeing the girl smile and ramble on about the things most precious to her. He had little doubt she'd let him down and had no regrets about giving her his heart.
A/N: heyy here's another chapter! final one for giving some insight on san's life before she meets a certain someone in the next one, any guess on who? 👀 I also love the relationship san will have with tai yang (though they can sadly only meet in random dreams) and am excited to write more about them in the future! anyway, to end this chapter, here's a meme I made:
love,
coral