05 | "You're so frustrating."
Having Heeseung pass out on top of me was not on my Friday itinerary, but here I am. I sit silently, but my hand itches to brush the strands of hair away from his eyes- in case it wakes him up. When I inch closer, I stop, fingers just barely touching hairs. We're not friends.
I retract. Although I may have some kindness in my heart, I don't want to cross the boundary that separates us. I sit back in the chair, stressing over what this means. Why would he fall against me of all people? Why not Sunoo? Why didn't he fall backward?
I know that I shouldn't be questioning it. After all, a fainting human can't control the way it falls. I feel bad for him. What has he been doing that has exerted so much strength on him? Studying? I know we're both overachievers, but how much of this overachieving has he been doing? I don't want to say it's because of this feud or because of me, but I don't doubt that theory.
God, I feel bad. No matter how much I think about it, I feel bad. Even if it's not my fault. I hate it.
As I groan out of frustration, I lean forward, dipping my elbows into the nurse's bed. My hands wipe against my sweaty forehead, all because of the weight of a man in my arms. For a moment, I let myself relax in my blacked-out vision, eyes resting to not stress myself out over a fainted human. Then, feeling a body shuffle, a hand rests on mine.
My eyes widen in my palms, feeling the force of someone pulling down my hands. As the light meets my eyes, Heeseung and I exchange glances. Once we make eye contact, Heeseung smiles weakly, pulling his hand away from me. He lays limp, stretching on the soft cushions. "I knew it was you."
"If you knew, why did you touch me? Gross."
"You're so mean to a patient, darling," The name again. That darn name makes me cringe. It's noticeable when my shoulders shrug, and Heeseung laughs wearily in reply. "Was my weight a little too hard to carry? I would've thought that with how many books you take home, you'd carry at least half of my body weight."
"Oh, shut up," I frown, leaning off his bed. However, he raises an eyebrow and as if inviting me, sits up. I look at him, and he pats the edge of the bed so that I can lean down. I do. "Just what have you been doing that you're fainting in school? Are you not getting enough sleep?"
"It's not that. I'm busy."
"With what?"
Heeseung's eyes begin to narrow. "Why are you curious?"
"Because," I start, clearing my throat. "I feel like I'm the cause of it."
Then, he frowns, sitting up even further. "But you're not. Although you can be the bane of my existence, you don't exhaust me. I've just been... busy," He has no other way to explain it, I suppose, or he doesn't want to tell me the details. After a moment of contemplation, he starts again. "My parents have been having a rough time, that's all. I haven't gotten enough sleep because I've been working a lot to make sure they don't stress. So, I haven't been studying and getting a lot of sleep."
"Why haven't you been asking for help?"
"Pfft. Who else would help me? You?"
I hesitate for a moment. "Probably- but, only if I gave it a thought."
"That's what I mean," Heeseung rolls his eyes, pushing me slightly. "Darling, what I'm saying is, nobody is that kind. Nobody knows me enough, well, except you, to be helping me. You don't even know me as well as I think you do."
I get defensive. How dare he say that about me! "Well, that's just because-"
"Because we're not friends," I went silent. It is the truth, but why does it hurt more when it comes out of his mouth? I never thought I'd hear the day he'd say that, but I always knew there was a mutual feeling between us. Maybe the truth hurts when it's been said, and isn't just a thought at the back of someone's head. Heeseung is frowning as well, but meeting eyes again, he wears a weak smile. "You know that's the truth. We've only been friends once. Remember how that turned out?"
"Why bring up the past?" I mumble, itching the crown of my head. Frustrated, I scoot away. "Sometimes, I want to throw you off a cliff."
"Murderous today, are we?" He questions, causing me to glare. Once again he laughs, I feel embarrassed and turn away. Although we aren't friends, we can read one another like a book. I hate that most. He claims we don't know each other well, but here we are, answering the questions we're eager to hear the most. "Hayoon...?"
"What?" I snap.
"Are we friends?"
I wanted to be friends with you. Maybe this feud would finally be over. "...I don't know. Are we?"
The question goes unanswered. We hesitate, both of us, and refuse to let even the smallest exhale catch the other's attention. The silence answers it for us: We would never be friends.
Two weeks later, our math teacher gave us a new test. As always, I rank high, but with the constant (brutal) studying I put myself through, my brain finally came through, and...
"Checkmate!" Holding his tie, his glasses drop to the floor. Our eyes both fall to the ground, seeing the glasses slide against the concrete and lay aimlessly. "...Oops!"
"You did that on purpose, Moon Hayoon!" He yells, removing my hand from his tie. Once he points at me menacingly, I start to laugh. "If my glasses are broken, you're dead!"
"You're just mad I scored a hundred," Crossing my arms proudly, I finally got one deserved checkmate. Of course, I never told him 'checkmate' the day he got an embarrassing loss, maybe because I pitied him a bit and because that moment was humiliating in itself. I've tried to shove it out of my head, and I hope Heeseung has too. "I guess you just have to try harder!"
These days, he's started to become more energetic, fighting back. He's back to normal, and that relieves me. It seems things have started to be better for him and his family. I don't have to pity him anymore. It's almost a chore to do that.
In a good way, of course! (I think.)
As Heeseung fixes his glasses that are propped on his face, I smile at his grumpy frown. I felt victorious to finally get the upper hand. Before I could egg him on, I heard my title. "President Moon!"
Turning around, I see the girl who made the forum mistake. Heeseung raises his eyebrows beside me, crossing his arms after. "I'm sorry."
I wince, wondering what this problem was going to be about. "What happened?"
"Nothing, I just..." She trails off, hands fiddling in front of her. "You didn't deserve what they said about you two weeks ago. I should've said something earlier, but I didn't know how to face you."
"It's alright," I smile, holding her shoulder. "I'll be okay. After all, I promised you wouldn't get in trouble. You're always going to be a part of the student council."
"Why are you just now apologizing?" Heeseung wonders. "You're stupid for trying to achieve forgiveness so late."
"Heeseung!"
"No, he's right," The girl shakes her head. "I'm a bad person. That's why... I'm resigning from the student council. I know I don't have to show up to be considered resigning, but I thought I owed you that explanation."
"Y-You don't have to-"
"You're leaving without explaining?" Heeseung speaks for me. I try to stop him from offending her, but Heeseung has a mind of his own. "You're going to let Hayoon bear the burden for the rest of the year? While you run away?!"
"Heeseung," I grit my teeth, grabbing his arm. "That's enough."
"No, that's crazy," Heeseung grabs my hand, roughly throwing it off him. He points at her while she cowers, and even I fear him at this moment. "Go tell them the truth. I'm not going to let her take all the blame while you get to run away and live peacefully. How are you going to learn?"
"I'm sorry," She bows, tears starting to fall from her face. She repeats her apology once more. "I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry," The mother cries, hands rubbing together to elicit pity, maybe even sympathy. I could only stand still, fists clenched white as my father lays still, mother, brain dead. She begs for mercy, but my thirteen-year-old self was numb. "I'm so sorry. Please forgive us. We didn't mean for this to happen. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
I looked at the girl. She was crying. The son was covered behind the manila curtain, laying as still as my parents. I knew my father would wake up, but my mother... was dead. "We're so sorry."
The apology rings in my head. Her heart-wrenching sobs, only the sobs that made her daughter and her husband cry, are heard throughout the space in my head. The daughter's face, a girl my age, who would just cry, all I remember is her. The way we are different. I know we are different. She was emotional, I was stone-cold. Apologetic, but unforgiving. We are not the same. We do not feel... the same.
"Hayoon?" Heeseung's voice brings me back down to Earth, catching my attention. "Oh. You're back. It's like you were sleeping standing up."
I shrug. "I was tired for a moment. You were loud."
"Yeah, but you zoned out. I sent her off already. Gave her a lecture."
I groan. "You didn't need to do that, stupid."
"I do what I want."
"You're so frustrating."
"I could say the same thing about you in a hundred different synonyms."